7 years and counting

i didn't write this year on the 7th anniversary of the flood but i had the same kind of day as every other may 2nd i've had since that fateful one in 2010.  i would be remiss in not saying a few things.  i clearly remember being at work and hearing construction going on in the studio next door and feeling my nerves jump inside with each swing on the hammer.  i cried a lot that day and talked about the anniversary with a couple of people.  they comforted me and cried and said all the right things and i felt like i always feel, "this will never be over for me!"  this is not my past.  this is right now.  this is PTSD.

i recently read a few studies that talked about the renaming of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) to PTSI (post traumatic stress INJURY).  this renaming does not change the classification of either acronym from a mental disorder or illness but it acknowledges that it is not only that but also an actual brain injury.  by whatever name, the stress response to trauma changes the very shape of the brain and changes how those of us who are affected by it respond and cope.  

one part of my brain, the left side, the logical, chronological, fact-based side knows that this is 2017 and that i survived the flood.  while the right side of my brain, the jacked up side, the feelings side that says, "fight or flight or freeze!" is bigger and stronger and much more powerful and in the grip of panic and stress and anxiety.  the right side almost always wins.  it says, "it's may 2, 2010 and you are about to die...now run..."

i am far and away better than i was 6 years ago when i couldn't leave my house and 5 years ago when i was sure i would never be able to work again, etc.  i have infinite hope that by year 9 and year 10, etc. that improvement will have been made.  trauma happens to everyone in this life but we don't all process it the same.  grief is different for everyone and joy is too.  i want to believe that i am not defined by my mental illness but i know that it is part of me just like my DNA and my name.  i can't escape it but i continue the struggle to make peace with it.  

grace and peace

i'm still here

well, i'm still here.  

it's been months since i've written.  the main reason for that is that i've been busy.  also, i took some months off from communication of any type unless it was absolutely necessary.  i've moved, i've moved the store, i'm preparing to move the store AGAIN!  

i've been feeling extra-anxious lately.  the new house (i'm renting a small house) has some moisture issues.  and now there's a hurricane and the resulting flooding in houston and all the thoughts, feelings and memories come rushing back (they are never gone) but seeing the pictures that i try very hard to avoid make it so much harder!

i'm very happy to report to that i'm moving the bookstore to a prime location (where the bookstore i used to manage was) and it should finally allow me to support myself living my dream.  there's some anxiety that goes along with that but i'm feeling positive about it overall.

can't explain how much i wish daddy were here to see all of this!  i miss him to my core.  the grief is terrible!

grace and peace

why i march

if i had been asked to give a speech yesterday at the women’s march this is what i would have said:

we are here, we are angry and we are not going away.  we are here to say that we are NOT a one issue voting demographic.  this is not a march about abortion.  that is not the defining issue of these thousands upon thousands of women, and many, many men.  we are here to say that unobstructed access to healthcare for all matters to women.  climate change matters to women.  education matters to women.  LGBTQ rights matter to women.  science matters to women.  the constitution matters to women.  criminal justice reform matters to women.  unions matter to women.   

we are not a one issue voting demographic.  the black lives matter movement matters to women.  sensible gun control legislation matters to women.  equal pay for equal work matters to women.  fair housing matters to women.  homelessness matters to women.  the plight of indigenous peoples matters to women.  standing rock matters to women.  poverty matters to women.  affordable child care matters to women.  public transportation matters to women.  the tampon tax matters to women.  child brides matter to women.  human trafficking matters to women.  the privatization of prisons matters to women. 

we are not a one issue voting demographic.  paid maternity and paternity leave matters to women.  sexual assault matters to women.  planned parenthood matters to women. immigration matters to women.  the national endowment for the arts matters to women.  a fair tax structure matters to women.  the supreme court matters to women.  respect matters to women.  dignity matters to women.  voting rights matter to women.  the wage gap matters to women.  clean water matters to women.  drug prices matter to women.  international affairs matters to women.  animal rights matter to women.  freedom of the press matters to women.  freedom of religion matters to women.  freedom of speech matters to women.                                                                                                  

EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS TO MEN MATTERS TO WOMEN!  stop treating us as if all liberal and progressive women care about is abortion.  it’s simply not true, it’s unfair and it’s dangerous.  you underestimate us.  some of us are pro-choice and some of us are pro-life.  we are women and we are 51% of this country.

do not let this administration define us.  do not let this country define us.  do not let conservatives define us.  do not let bigotry and misogyny define us.  let our reaction to bigotry and misogyny define us.  let our actions define us.  let what we are willing to do stand up for the rights of all peoples everywhere define us.

grace and peace and march

some hard words about grief (from a Christian perspective)

first, i am a Christian.  i believe in the divinity of Jesus Christ and i believe that i will spend eternity with him in heaven.  i believe the Holy Spirit lives inside me.  i believe God is my Father and wants a relationship with me.

second, i believe that grief HURTS and that doubt is okay.  i believe that pain is real and that anxiety is not an affliction of the weak. 

third, i believe that as Christians we are guilty of using trite, feel-good expressions of support that undermine the grief people feel when they lose a part of themselves. 

in august 2015 my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.  he lived 8 months and left this earth on april 14, 2016.  a little background:  i’m 42, single, never married, a college graduate, a small business owner, an animal lover, a music lover, a book hoarder (i own a used book store) and a terrible guitar player.  i’m a loner, a near-hermit, i can go days (weeks) without other people and as long as i have my pets and my books i’m fine.  this blog is my clumsy way of working though some of the things in my life post-flood, post-PTSD diagnosis, post-learning to live life with sometimes crippling anxiety.

daddy was my all-time favorite person.  i’m southern and we southern girls are born and raised to worship our daddies.  he wasn’t perfect but he was sure wonderful. he had 4 kids and he lived his life so that he could be there for us whenever and however we needed him. 

when he died i felt, and feel, utterly lost.  this world, which makes little sense to me anyway, makes NO sense now.  i was in the process of opening my bookstore in the last months of his life.  he wanted to see me open.  he didn’t but he did get to see the space and be there as we painted and prepared.  he saw pictures and was so thrilled for me.  i postponed the opening but was open about 3 weeks after his death. 

i now work 3 jobs.  since he died, i spoke at his memorial service, opened the store, moved, filed bankruptcy and finally had a break down.  a couple of weeks ago i had numerous panic attacks in a 3 day span and couldn’t get out of bed let alone get to work.  i spent those 3 days crying in bed and avoiding everything and everybody i could.  when asked, i told people i missed daddy so much i was physically sick.  what i heard was:  "he’s in a better place", "he was a Christian", "he was in pain – you wouldn’t want him back in pain would you?", "he loved you", "you’ll see him again", etc, ad nauseam. 

i know all these things.  what i want acknowledged is this:  when someone precious dies the person left behind grieves in their own way.  what i want people to hear is that all these things (while true) DON’T HELP ME AT ALL.  see, his pain in over BUT MINE ISN’T.  he’s in heaven, BUT I’M STUCK HERE IN THIS COLD, HARD WORLD WITHOUT HIM.  my grief is for ME.  yes, there are times when i grieve for the things he will miss – seeing his grandchildren grow up, seeing the new peyton manning commercial, seeing hillary clinton wipe up the floor with donald trump in november – but what i really grieve is what i lost. 

if i ever do get married, he won’t be with me, when i’m sick he’s not here to take care of me, when one of our favorite M*A*S*H episode is on I CAN’T CALL HIM!  I DON’T WANT TO HEAR how selfish i am to grieve.  grieving is not selfish, it isn’t weak.   it isn’t something to be glossed over by saying things like “it gets better.”  maybe it gets better for others but right now i can’t guarantee it’ll get better for me.  he’s only been gone 5 months and i have every right to feel how i feel. 

again, if you don’t know what to say, just say, “i’m sorry.”

i will glory in seeing daddy in heaven but while i’m still on this hostile planet i will miss him every day.  i will grieve for what i lost. and i damn sure won’t apologize for it.

grace and peace and grief

watch your mouth

just can't help but write about an interaction i had with a lady in the bookstore today.  she was talking to her friend and me about a trip she took and the friend asked, "when?"  she responded, "the same time as the nashville flood.  when was that?"  i said, "may, 2010" and she looked at me like i had 2 heads.  i said, "i lost everything in that flood."  she then looked at me with pity and said, "at least you were able to rebuild." 

now, how she knew i was able to rebuild and why she thought it was okay to assume such a thing is baffling.  i said, "it's only stuff, right?"  she quickly agreed and then sensed i was being facetious and added, "i'm sure it's more involved than that."  i replied, "if only it were as easy as replacing things."  she quickly went on with her story and talked about a few books, etc.

after she left i realized i was angry.  i've mentioned ad nauseam that the physical things aren't the hard things to replace.  i've not mourned one tangible thing i lost in the flood.  the things i mourn are intangible:  my safety, my sanity, my very self. 

the point of this post is a reminder that words matter!  please, if someone you know is going through something: something big, something small, something you've endured, something you find unimportant, please think before you speak!  the clichés:  "i know how you feel", "it's only stuff", "it'll get better", "you'll be fine", "they're in a better place" are unnecessary, unfeeling and sometimes downright untrue. 

if you don't know what to say, say, "i'm sorry."  simple.  say, "i don't know what to say, but i'm here for you."  perfect. 

more on words about grief tomorrow.

grace and peace

bankrupt

today was the "meeting of creditors" for my bankruptcy.  it took about 30 seconds.  i did have to watch a 12 minute video, answer about 6 "yes" or "no" questions and pay $7.00 for parking.  i only have a couple of creditors and no one expects to have a creditor show up.  none of mine did.  it's simple, really.

i have no embarrassment.  i only wish i had done it sooner.  i wish i knew the statistics (there really aren't any) about the number of natural disaster victims who file bankruptcy.  there appears to always be a spike in areas affected by disaster but because the filings take place over such a long period of time it's hard to quantify.  it took me more than 6 years. 

i bought the house in 2005.  in 2010 i had a good job, i didn't make a lot of money but i made enough.  the flood came and i lost it all:  job, car, house and everything in it.  i got some FEMA money but it just scratched the surface.  i did not live in flood zone so i had no flood insurance.  home owner's insurance not only denied a claim but cancelled my policy. 

i spent upwards of $65,000 (most of which was borrowed) to rebuild a house i despised.  i had nowhere else to go so i did what i had to do.  i got a lot of help from family, church and friends but it was just a drop in the bucket. 

i worked 12-16 hours a day for 5 months to rebuild.  i was diagnosed with PTSD and suffered from debilitating agoraphobia (i was terrified to leave the very house that i hated.)  something that still rears it's ugly head more often that i like to talk about.  i was out of work for more than 2 years.

when i went back to work i made less than half my pre-flood salary.  now, i work 3 jobs and make less still.  for the last 4 years i have been spending more than 50% of my income on the mortgage.  when daddy died i decided to quit.  i filed bankruptcy shortly thereafter and left that house behind. 

i'm blessed enough to have access to a family home that was sitting empty afer it was left to my mother by her aunt.  i live here now and while it's hard to get over the feeling that i live in somebody else's house it's far and away an improvement.  i live far away from all 3 jobs so i spend a lot of time in the car and a lot of money on gas but, right now, it's worth it. 

i still have school loans that i will owe the rest of my natural life (those, of course, aren't dischargeable.)  other than that i have a clean slate.  the mortgage company will apparently give the option to sign over the deed to avoid a foreclosure.  i will take them up on it.  i can't wait for the day i can honestly say that i no longer "own" that awful house.  for the time being it's still mine but i'm under no obligation to pay anything.  i've officially "surrendered" the property.

i wish daddy were here to talk to about this.

grace and peace

catching up

haven't felt like writing for a while.  life is exponentially different these days. 

my wonderful daddy died in april.  for so long my life has been defined by "before the flood" and "after the flood" but now it's "before daddy got sick" and "after daddy got sick."  he was the most important person in my life.  having him gone has opened a whole in my heart that can't be closed. 

he went to the ER on august 20, 2015 and was diagnosed with lung cancer before that day was done.  he lived 8 months.  they were a hard but wonderful 8 months.  i miss him every minute of every day! 

since then i've undergone many a change.  i opened a business (a used bookstore) i moved, i filed bankruptcy, i started a new job, i asked God to let me go to heaven to be with daddy, i asked him to have my business succeed, i asked him to show me how to live a life without daddy on this earth.  i seem to ask him something new everyday but as long as i'm talking to him i have faith that he will provide.

i don't know what life is supposed to be.  is it supposed to be a series of traumas to survive?  is it supposed to be a choice between the lesser of two evils?  is it supposed to be pain on top of pain?  i don't know.  i know that scripture tells us that hard times WILL come.  we aren't supposed to go through life pampered and pain-free.  the pain that comes is supposed to test us and make us rely on God.  i hope that i've done that. 

i know my faith is strong.  i know my daddy would want me to keep going.  i know that i will.

grace and peace.