practice what you preach

yesterday as i was driving home from a day of doctors and pharmacies and thoughts of being unemployed and uninsured i passed a church (let’s just say it was a Christian church and leave it at that) with a sign that announces the date and time and some bible verse, etc.  last night it said “if you don’t work, you don’t eat.”  no mention of the chapter and verse – just what felt like an accusation.  i know my bible and i know that this is paul in 2 Thessalonians 3:10 “for even when we were with you, we gave you this rule:  if a man will not work, he shall not eat.”  i will not interject a lot of scripture here but i will list a few regarding the poor, the hungry and the homeless for any who want to check them out. 

Matthew 25:35-46

Mark 10:21, 12:31, 12:41-44

Luke 9:58, 12:48, 14:12-14

I John 3:17 (this is the only one I will quote…) “if anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him how can the love of God be in him?”

as a smart, articulate, college-educated person i never thought that i would stand in a “free” clinic and tell the nurse that i am unemployed and uninsured and hand her $20 of my brother’s money to pay the co-pay.  nor did i imagine that i would again tell the pharmacist—“no, i don’t have any insurance” and, whether real or imagined, see judgment in the eyes looking back at me.  while i paid i was relieved that a check sent from my best friend will pay for my antibiotic. 

i lost my job due to an illness and a boss who ignored a letter from my doctor stating that i needed 5 days off.  after 4 days off with bronchitis and pneumonia i returned to work and was fired.  2 days later i lost my house, my car and all my possessions in a flood.  the first 6 months i helped rebuild this house with my bare hands.  over the next 16 months i have applied for 100+ jobs and sent resumes to nearly as many places and have had 2 interviews. at the end of both i was told that i am overqualified. 

there are many things that i don’t pretend to understand (i’ve never been married or divorced, i don’t have children, i’m not illiterate or homeless, i’ve not lost a parent or been seriously ill) so i don’t attempt to judge those things or pretend that i can fix them.  i am the child of divorce, i know what it’s like to graduate from college with $40,000.00 of debt, i know what being unemployed and uninsured mean, i know what it feels like to survive a natural disaster and i would like the same courtesy.  we each have our own burdens and none are to be taken lightly or dismissed.

the more i think about that sign the angrier i get.  to advertise that you, as a congregation, deign to understand what being homeless or hungry or out of work really feels like and really means in this day and age is condescending and uncaring.  are there people who abuse the system?  of course.  but there are many people like me…praying with all our hearts that we will be able to support ourselves without unemployment or any other “social program.”

Jesus said, “whatever you did for the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

grace and peace

cliches

"the only thing we have to fear is...fear itself"  FDR

"it is not death or pain that is to be dreaded, but the fear of pain or death."  ralph waldo emerson

 

it happened yesterday...the dreaded knock at the door.  i hid!

okay, i'm that 1%.  i always have been but since this anxiety took over my life i have lived in utter terror of someone knocking on my door:  being taken by surprise is the fear, i guess.  well, i panicked...but i didn't die.  i was sure i would.  i guess that should be enough to disprove my hypothesis that a knock will bring on a fatal heart attack but today i have tensed at the sound of every car door closing for fear that it's the precursor to the KNOCK.

today i went out (ear packed with an excess of cotton) to walk winston and as i got 2 or 3 paces into the driveway i was approached by a woman i had never seen asking if i had found my missing cat.  it seems her cat has also disappeared.  she admitted to being the big, scary knocker of my door yesterday.  i can't describe both the relief and anger i felt at that moment.  relief that i knew who it was--anger that she could be so callous...(notice the lack of anger at myself that i allowed something so harmless to terrify me and that i was imagining myself beating her to a pulp!)...it was no surprise that she was NOT a flood victim. 

i've not written in a few days because i've been plagued by the worst ear infection of my life.  the only good thing i can say about it is that my anxiety has taken a back burner to the pain.  it's the first time in more than a year that i've had anything on my mind more than my own fears and anxieties.  this week it's been "my ear hurts!, my ear HURTS!, MY EAR HURTS!"  that's it (at least until cat lady knocked.)  i miss my maeve.  i hope both kitties come home!

just a short diatribe about politics, though i don't think health care should be political, i've been thinking a lot this week about the uninsured in this country:  the poor, the unemployed (in my case), the self-employed, the homeless, the unfortunate who for whatever reason can't afford health insurance.  i've suffered with a simple earache but cannot seem to make a dent in the infection without an antibiotic and can't afford either the drug or the doctor's visit it would require to get it.  (my doctor is another thing i lost the week of the flood--he moved his practice out of state--so i don't even have the ability to have him call me in anything and beg, borrow or steal to pay for it!)  i wonder what happens to people who get really sick? 

grace and peace

retroactive anxiety

i didn't get out today until about 4 pm.  having not slept well last night (of course) i tried all day to nap.  i relished the first day in weeks that i've not been plagued with a headache so i took the opportunity to watch a german documentary on the grandiose, megalomaniacal artistic and architectural visions of hitler and the nazi party, "architecture of doom."  since my head was not hurting i was able to read the subtitles!

finally after an hour long nap (score!) i showered and dressed for a walk with winston.  it's a dreary, depressing february day.  grey and cool though not really cold.  i opened the front door to find a letter taped to my storm door.  immediately i felt panic rise.  someone had been at the door!  it was from my homeowners association.  my guess is they didn't even knock just taped it up.  surely winston would have barked.  i still felt nervous and vulnerable.  i ripped it from the door and pitched it onto the chair by the door where it still sits.  it's like my kryptonite.  i won't touch it.  some stranger was at my door and i don't like it.  the entire walk i glanced at all my neighbors front doors to see if they got it too (just in case!)  they did.  

i have a feeling it's in regard to the "flood preparedness" meeting that was held on thursday night at a church down the street.  i'm sure they meant well and i'm sure some people went and that it helped them but i can't even hear the word "flood" and not flinch.  and what in the hell can one do to be prepared for a flood?!  there is nothing we could have done to prevent the last one and nothing we can do to prevent another one.  though i don't fear another flood (thank goodness because i am still experiencing the last one!) i can't think of anything to do preparation wise.  maybe keep a bag packed in case i have to run for my life again, maybe buy a water-proof, fire-proof lock box for important papers...guess what?  i don't have any important papers anymore...birth certificate-gone...mortgage papers-gone...tax records...gone...

so i panicked.  over a letter taped to my door and a meeting i didn't attend.  it's what i'm calling "retroactive anxiety."  it sucks!  an being outside for 20 minutes brought on a headache.  was it the adrenaline rush or the fact that i'm allergic to EVERYTHING outside?  i don't know, but i see a benadryl in my future...

grace and peace   

good days and bad days

this week has been a constant reminder of the ups and downs we all encounter in these fragile, glorious lives we lead. 

monday 2/13 would have been my friend joy's 38th birthday.  she and i were inseparable through elementary school and jr. high.  we lost touch after high school but i never stopped thinking of her and never stopped loving her.  the news of her death hit me hard.  her birthday is always a hard day for me.  here's a picture of us in the summer of 1987.  we were 13.

i think this year it's been harder to think of her in light of whitney houston's death.  houston's concert was the first we attended together in 1986 or 87.  our friendship was full of music and concerts but whitney's was the first. 

tuesday 2/14 valentine's day doesn't affect me much one way or the other (in or out of a relationship) while there are times that i would like to be part of a couple (certainly i think having a husband or boyfriend during and after the flood would have helped in some ways) i am generally a content single person.  

my little brother had his post-op doctor's visit on tuesday as well and had the many staples in his back removed.  bless his heart.  i'm glad that step is over! 

wednesday 2/15 my nephew, ben, turned 7!  hard to believe how fast the years pass.  i attempted all day to find the energy to drive the 35 miles to my brother's to see him but i kept chickening out.  i still don't feel well and spent most of the day in a constant struggle to sleep off my week-old headache.  i felt a little reluctant, i suppose, because i couldn't afford to buy him a gift.  that, and of course, that leaving the house for any reason is always fraught with anxiety and dread.

thursday 2/16 i have to go see ben today because he will go back to his mom's tomorrow until after the weekend.  have been saying to myself all morning, "you can do it!"  i still don't feel like i can do it.  still no gift to give him (not that he cares and not that he needs anything!) and still no motivation to go anywhere.  i'll do it because i promised him on saturday that i would see him today.  my anxiety level is HIGH!

my little sister's best friend is having her baby today so that's good news!  prayers to her and her family.

friday 2/17...remains to be seen.

grace and peace









not just scrooge at Christmas

i live 8 miles from downtown nashville but, of course, it used to be the country and there are still a few old family farms around.  this is the scene a mile from my house on one of the said farms.

the hay bail appears october 1 decorated with broom, witch's hat, black cat, etc.  then he becomes a turkey (which is rather quite cute,) then santa's hat, boots, sack of presents, etc. appear.  this is the first year in my 7 years in this neighborhood that it's decorated for valentine's day!!  i'm sure next month it will announce the coming of st. patrick's day and then Easter!  what?!   

now if you don't know this about me already, it probably won't surprise you to know, that i hate holidays.  all of them!  the little ones, the big ones, the made up ones.  i fantasize on many occasions about pulling my car over and kicking the hell out of this thing!  luckily it sits on a busy road in a sharp curve and there is nowhere to pull over.  i was amazed that i was even able to slow down enough to take this picture.

with my anxiety i exist in such a vacuum.  the months since the flood have been both eternal and fleeting.  save for this hated hay bale there is a chance i would have no idea what month it is.  perhaps that one sad fact has saved it from my wrath.

grace and peace 





the heart wants what the heart wants

no, i didn't NEED another cat but i think she needed me.  i love her.  my mother was in the market for a new cat and i went with her to the shelter knowing it was most likely a mistake in that i, indeed, went with the cat carrier in the car in order to transport a cat i kept telling myself that i WAS NOT going to get.  i fell in love right away.

i've tentatively named her moxie.  she is not lacking it and i love the name. 

winston doesn't care about her presence at all.  kentucky is NOT thrilled.  it always takes time to adjust but i'm hopeful that they will make friends and that they will be good company for each other.  i look forward to watching them play together.  it's been a long time since i've had two cats this young (both about a year old) at the same time.

grace and peace and cats

all things must pass

"none of life's strings can last/so, i must be on my way/and face another day."  george harrison

i've been thinking a lot about home today, or more accurately, my hometown.  what makes a home a home and what make a place so damn special?  is it memory of times spent, friends made and lost, loves come and gone?  is it the knowledge of ones history as it relates to time and place?  is it the familiarity with landmarks and quirks in the towns layout? 

nashville is full of things that infuriate visitors and natives alike:  the ever-present line at pancake pantry, the streets with so many name changes that they make postal carrier one of our most challenging jobs, the fact that at any given time a driver may be on 2 interstates simultaneously headed both north and west or south and east, tourists in daisy dukes, cowboy boots and cowboy hats year round... 

i ran numerous errands today and listened to a special tribute to long-time nashville DJ, david hall, who died unexpectedly over the weekend.  i thought about all those nights in the early 80s listening to KDF (hall's first nashville radio gig) late at night with my brother as we lay side by side in twin beds listening to the likes of quiet riot, kiss and led zeppelin.  in the late 80s when the cool station was "the FOX"  (david was there as well) we listened non-stop to the beatles, queen, and the rolling stones.  in 1993 (while we were in college) we quickly took to the new independent station in town, lightning 100 (on any given day one can hear the cure, the civil wars, amos lee, U2, blondie, the black keys, the beatles...always the beatles), david went there and was there for the next 19 years, i have listened to "david hall rock y'all" since i was just a little kid.

david hall 1954-2012

i wondered if a voice on the radio can anchor us to a place in a way that is as undefinable as it is real. 

i passed a billboard with a picture of my state farm agent on it and felt nostalgia sweep over me at the fact that his father was my parents' insurance agent when they got married in 1969 and he became my insurance agent in 1990 when i got my driver's license.  he's gone now and his son insures my car and now my post-flood house.  for 40+ years our families have been in business.  nashville is not a huge town but we have a million people here and i wonder how many people can claim a 40 year relationship in any fashion these days. 

i smiled as i drove passed my favorite coffee shop, portland brew, and salivated at the very thought of the best coffee and chocolate chip cookies in town.  i didn't stop the first time i went by but i caved on the second pass...both coffee and cookie were perfect! 

finally on my way home i began to think about my very complicated feelings about this precious place now.  no matter where you go in this city you are never far from the river.  you have to use both hands to count the number of times you span it within the city proper.   

 

unfortunately there is a living breathing part of this place that i now despise.  i've added another half mile to my walking route and i now walk to a park entrance on the river bank but i stop just short of the very shallow park and turn around some 20 feet before i see the river.  the park consists of a playground, a swingset, a boat dock, some benches and some picnic tables.  it is tiny and i can't walk across it to look down into the river.  i can't even imagine doing that.  i know how close i am but i can't see the water from the road so i'm okay. 

i don't know the lasting effects of the flood on my psyche.  i know there are days when i can't go out because i don't want to have to see the river and i can't avoid it in any direction.  i know that my hometown remains a refuge because of the rambling memories listed above but what does one do when they need a refuge from their refuge?

grace and peace and "david hall rocks y'all!"



doctors vs. car salesmen

firstly, my little brother's surgeries both went well and he's already out of the hospital.  prayers that he will be pain free soon!  the time spent at the hospital was anxiety-inducing for me, of course, and i'm now sick as a dog.  i got home after monday's surgery and spent all night long lying on the bathroom floor/hugging the toilet.  i don't know if it's stress related or if i picked up a bug at the hospital.  either way i'm down and out! 

none of the anxiety there equalled the panic i felt on saturday when i accompanied my mother to test-drive a car at the nissan dealership where i bought my post-flood car.  5 weeks after the flood i spent an agonizing day buying a car i didn't want (only because my pre-flood car was paid for and in great shape--i like my new car) and i was having to replace it along with EVERYTHING else.  i rode with her for one test-drive then left to eat lunch and visit with a friend.  on my way back to nashville i stopped by to see the car she decided to buy and was struck with severe panic over the thought of having to step foot into the loan manager's office where i signed all my final papers.  i couldn't go in with her instead i sat in the show-room looking crazy both because of my attempt to calm myself with slow, loud, yoga breathing and also my occasional elvis sing-along to the weekly saturday elvis special on the radio (this is tennessee after all!)

upon seeing her car and leaving the dealership i had to pull my nissan over into the mcdonald's parking lot to calm my panic attack before i could get on the interstate for the 50 mile drive home.  it was awful.  since i had gotten a haircut while in dickson i was itchy from both the anxiety and the hair-covered sweatshirt i was wearing so i jumped in the shower when i got home and stood under the HOT water until my skin was lobster-red and i could breathe evenly.  it seems that though my panic attacks are less frequent they are much more intense when they come.  perhaps not a good trade-off.  i can't tell.

grace and peace