errands and ice cream trucks

today has been fraught with anxiety. 

i strategically planned a much needed trip to the grocery store on the phone with daddy last night.  i called to see if he could go with me since i am incapable of going into most places by myself these days.  i have been trying to get to trader joe's since last friday, to no avail.  once the time was agreed upon, 10:00 a.m., i began to dread it with a fierce passion. 

i made it to daddy's house, which is on the way, without much drama (just the inevitable car in my rear-view mirror with his blinker on for an entire 8 miles.)  i passed every gas station, even though my "low fuel" light was on.  i was afraid that if i got sidetracked i would never get where i was headed and face another day living on the only remaining food in the house:  kiwi and tortilla chips.  fine foods, indeed, but hardly nutritious when eaten for 3 straight days.

i made it through the shopping unscathed while daddy pushed the buggy and wondered at my vegetarian/organic diet.  we both laughed(which is something i do all too infrequently now) when the cashier declared that i had "a nice looking buggy full of groceries" and that he had been bagging groceries "since jimmy carter was in the white house."

i got daddy home, went in to kiss my grandmother, put the flowers i bought for her in a vase and wondered if she remembers that today is the anniversary of my grandfather's death.  she's 94 and he's been gone for 15 years.

got to the gas station on fumes and only had to push in my pin # twice due to my shaky hands and drug-saturated brain.  the real struggle came when i decided to go inside ("oh, the humanity!") and buy a diet dr. pepper.  i gave up keeping cokes in the house a while back and now i consume them only when i can bear to go get them.  today i wanted one.  so i went in.  i was very uneasy.  i, with shaking hands and pounding heart, handed the lady behind the counter my dollar and 8 cents.  i sat in the car several minutes before i could put it in gear and make my way home, by now light-headed and teary-eyed.

had just gotten everything in and closed the door when i heard the ice cream truck.  now, it's still summer vacation here, for a few more days anyway.  you would think that the ice cream truck would raise no alarm bells but you'd be wrong.  the first time i heard it i thought, "haven't heard him in a while."  the second time i heard it i thought, "good, he's leaving?"  the third time i thought, "i wonder if anyone else can hear him?" then i sat down to write this.  i've heard him twice more.  i never go anywhere anymore so i know all the sounds of this place and i have never heard the ice cream truck 5 times in 2 hours.  not to mention that, while hot, it's much more temperate than it has been so the high-80 degree temps don't warrant around the clock ice cream delivery!    

this anxiety makes everything feel like a threat.

grace and peace