sounds of my day

i have always been sensitive to loud noises.  the family story is that my parents and older brother could never stay out for 4th of july fireworks because i would place my hands over my ears and scream until they whisked me into the car and took me home.  now, with PTSD in full swing, i am more aware and more surprised at the sounds that frighten me.

today i have, on numerous occasions, gotten up to turn down the stereo because i feel that everyone from david bowie to jack white to levon helm to johnny cash has been screaming at me! 

while out walking winston today a man slowed to a near stop to compliment me on my dallas mavericks t-shirt and instead of, what would have been my normal "go mavs!" reply, i stopped dead in my tracks and thought, "why is this man yelling at me!?" all the while feeling light-headed and sure that i was white as a ghost.  he wasn't yelling and i didn't feel afraid of him i just felt afraid.  i finally processed what he said and managed to raise my hand in a half-wave which he may or may not have seen in his rearview mirror.  a motorcycle passed by (of course!) and i felt sure that my heart would jump out of my chest.

the saddest incident is how badly i scared myself with the sound of my own laughter.  i am on day 4 now of the latest prescription sleeping pill and am still adjusting (if you can call 5 hours of sleep, 19 hours of exhaustion and a constant severe headache "adjusting") and i just sit and sit and sit.  sometimes i read, sometimes i try to watch a little tv but most of the time i lie on the couch and zone out.  finally winston had enough and wanted to go out for his evening walk so he jumped onto the back of the couch and proceeded to roll off on top of me and start to chew, snort, sneeze and lick on me.  while he is the world's worst dog, this is not his normal behavior though not totally without precedent.  i burst out laughing only to scare myself silly.  laughter is so achingly rare now that it shocks me.  how sad is that?!        

grace and peace and quiet