no more excuses...dammit!

below is the text of an e-mail sent to my therapist after yesterday's session where i was told to stop making excuses and do something different if i wanted to feel different...for me, right now, exercise is that thing... 

"i did 3 laps at the lipscomb track (a leisurely mile and a half) with only 2 terrifying instances:

1. a minivan pulled into the parking lot while i was on the opposite side of the track and proceeded to unload a shovel and some other unidentifiable item from the back--i was positive that i was going to be killed and buried under the baseball field. luckily they were gone by the time i got to the parking lot side. i may have literally dodged a bullet on that one;

2. some sort of bug flew up my nose so i'm certain that at this very moment some sort of burrowing insect is laying eggs in my very fragile brain.

so thanks for that. i hope you're happy now!" 

 

(she responded favorably and mentioned that the shovel-carrying van was most likely a groundskeeper--i never even thought of that--i knew i was a goner!)

 

i am 3 months away from my birthday and i am committed to seeing a difference in my exercise habits and seeing a change in my body and mind even if they are small changes.  i don't know about the rest of it but at least that is something that i can control.  even if i have to run down streets lined with half-finished houses with building permits still taped in windows (like mine) and dodge trucks full of building materials or use the elliptical machine in what used to be my guest bedroom but is now a storage room full of unhung doors, tools, boxes of who-knows-what, etc.  getting some exercise for my mental and physical health is at least the one thing i can choose and control. 

 

wish me well, and

 

grace and peace

reality invades

today fear and anxiety have completely taken over.  panic over my financial situation, not to mention my mental state, has set in hard.  there's nothing new to report re: options concerning the house, etc.  it's just that now with every thing i do and/or use:  the food i consume, the soap i use to wash my hands, changing the cat litter, the electricity used to turn on this computer, a light, my ipod i am reminded that i have no means to replace what is being used.  therefore i eat, shower, live in a constant state of anxiety and feel guilty and scared with every breath i take. 

i feel utterly helpless and alone. i am in shock at being here.  being homeless once was hard enough i can't imagine being able to survive being homeless twice inside of 2 years.  it has become increasing clear that should i lose this house i have nowhere to go. 

the once elusive tears have flowed freely today.  so freely in fact that my face is chapped from walking winston with leaky eyes and nose.  i don't remember the last time i left to house to do more than walk the dog.  i am terrified of using all the gas in the car.  i have several things "planned" for this week:  a family birthday, lunch with a friend, a visit with my little brother who is in town, therapy on friday, but right now none of that seems possible.

maybe sleep would help, maybe some real food would help, maybe posting this will help.  i don't know.  i do know that prayers will help so please keep them coming.

grace and peace  

...and a new one just begun

"...happy new year/let's hope it's a good one/without any fear." john lennon

no such luck for me.  i spent part of today trying to explain just why it is that i am afraid of my fireplace.  literally afraid of it--i can't imagine ever lighting a fire in it again.  i don't know why it seems so threatening but i've written off ever using it again just like i've written off ever taking an actual bath in either bathtub.  no matter how many times they've been cleaned i can still see them full of river water, mud and debris.  they will never be places of peace and rest again.  somehow the thought of lighting a fire in the fireplace has taken on an inexplicable terror. 

by about a quarter to 7:00 tonight it dawned on me that it was january and i hung up my new calendar (pugs.)  that is the sum total of my new years celebration.  that and i have eaten at least one of everything in the house.  i've used the elliptical machine the last few days and tomorrow i, like millions more, start in earnest the attempt to get in better shape.  

i wish i were able to feel excited, or hopeful, or even resigned to what awaits me this year but i still just feel overwhelmed and quite numb.  there is so much more to do...

grace and peace  

another year over...

"time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."  woody allen

i have to admit that i no longer spend much time thinking about the passage of time, the meaning of life or the words of "auld lang syne."  time is different for me now.  just like all things are.  the last nearly 20 months (yes, i had to count on my fingers because i can no longer do simple math in my head) have passed almost without notice.  the time is lost.  though my pre-flood life seems much more distant than that. 

i skipped the last family function of the Christmas season today.  i feel like maybe i should have gone but i couldn't make myself.  i was so anxious.  i guess it's good that i decided not to go because i've spent the better part of today trying to gain access to my own car.  i went out this morning to get winston's milkbones from the trunk and couldn't open the car.  i tried several times then just gave up.  hours later, after walking winston, i tried again, same result, the key would not turn.  (i don't have power locks and the only way to unlock the car is with the actual key.)  on the third and final try i realized my mistake...i was using my house key instead of my car key.  now my house key is next to the car key (the big black key with "nissan" stamped right on there!) but i didn't notice.  okay, so now i'm in the car but have no memory of why i wanted in the car.  as of now, almost 4:00 p.m. i still don't have the milkbones i went to get this morning at 6:30.  our evening walk will be soon and i will try one last time.  he's not even supposed to have milkbones but they were a gift!!!!!!!!!

see how hard everything is?  no wonder i have no idea what day/month/year it is when i can't even open my car!  considering i haven't been anywhere today that car has consumed most of my day.  i did manage to write a little while listening to my radio station play the top 100 songs of 2011.  i only heard 35-1.  don't ask me what any of them were...

grace and peace and hope for the new year

rocks vs. hard places

it happened today...the inevitable phone call with my mortgage company.  none of my options are attractive:

1.  pay a reduced amount and watch my excellent credit score start a steady decline as early as january 1;

2.  pay nothing, watch my credit nosedive and prepare for foreclosure to start in april (just in time for my birthday!);

3.  borrow against my line of credit at the credit union to keep the bills paid for another 3-4 months and pray that if/when i get a job it allows me to ADD another bill to my unmanageable finances;

4.  declare bankruptcy (eventually);

5.  run away!

i suppose i could add:

6.  attempt to sell this house, wretched, unfinished hellhole that it is, and THEN run away!

let's not forget that i can't grocery shop alone, i get lost to and from my own house, i live on no sleep and constant anxiety--i do not feel at all equipped to choose the correct thing (if there were a correct thing to be chosen.)  i have until mid-january to decide but i can't imagine being any more prepared then. 

on a lighter note:  i promised myself that i would start running again today and i chickened out.  i did make myself get on the hated elliptical machine for a couple of miles.  i have regretted replacing my flooded treadmill with that damn torture machine since i bought it.  it's supposed to be 60 degrees tomorrow and i'm gonna try to talk myself into running. 

hopefully tonight i will remember to take my meds on time.  if i take my sleeping pill too late (which i almost always do) then i'm useless until well past midday.  i'm awake but drugged.  i'm supposed to take the sleeping pill at about 7:00 so i don't feel hungover the next day but i never remember to take it until bedtime so last night i took it at 11:30 and was up until 3:00 a.m.

grace and peace

  

how the grinch survived Christmas...

i wrote a little, read a little, watched all the frasier Christmas episodes that were available on netflix, watched die hard (yippie-ki-yay!), prayed the phone wouldn’t ring, took winston for a long walk since the weather was so nice (high 50s), played with kentucky, talked to no one (i did respond to a couple of texts), treated myself to a peppermint mocha from mcdonald’s, took a 45 minute nap (!), drank a little wine, ate a little brie, spoke to a father and his little girl on her new bike (complete with training wheels, streamers and a bell!) on my walk, missed my aunt jenny, skipped the family function (natch!) and watched winston devour a pigs' ear (a Christmas gift from my mom!) i don’t buy them, of course, since i’m a vegetarian! 

i ate too much even though i didn't go anywhere and i have been maudlin and anxious all day.  i'm glad it's over and all i have to do is go see my niece and nephew later this week and see what santa got them.  they are used to my anti-Christmas stance and no longer question it, they just lump it in with my vegetarianism and my bookishness and write it off...bless their hearts!

i wish i could have made it to church this morning but i settled for watching it on-line.  it was a beautiful service; i sang along, right out loud, just like i were there.  i hope to be able to get past my anxiety and make it there in person next week. 

grace and peace

a surprise in every sack

a hard day but a good day.  getting to therapy was hard, meeting my friends for coffee was hard but i got through them both.  i don't know which was better counselling...

my friends (a married couple) are flood victims too.  our stories are quite different yet so much the same that we are able to commiserate and offer small and clumsy comforts to each other.  today they gave me a wonderful gift:  they spent a lot of time shopping and hundreds of dollars on groceries and staples for me.

pre-flood i would have been embarrassed, perhaps mortified, to accept this kind of help, let alone share it with any and everyone reading this, but times change and i have changed.  last may, after losing everything, i stood in a church gym down the street with an empty box and a broken heart and realized that i didn't own a toothbrush, a fork, toilet paper, sheets, food.  i had nothing.  i was grateful to accept those things that others had so generously and lovingly given.  it changed me in a way i can't put into words.

my kitchen cabinet this morning with a box of cereal, peanut butter and crackers and one box of organic macaroni and cheese...

i know now that i will be thankful for aluminum foil and toothpaste and light bulbs in ways that i never could have before.  i take nothing for granted because i know what it feels like to be without.  my friends loaded me up with all kinds of great things and i was thrilled as i opened each sack to see all that they had done for me (almost like a kid on Christmas morning, if you will allow me the use of that phrase since you know my feelings about Christmas!)  they got me treats too, things i don't buy for myself:  nutella, diet coke, pepperidge farm cookies (yum!)

the same cabinet now...

see the nutella?!!!!  i am blessed.

grace and peace