Sunday, October 11, 2015

thoughts about me

anxiety is a shape-shifter.  what i'm anxious about today may not bother me tomorrow and a new fear will rear it's ugly head.  there's no predicting it and no preparing for it. 
 
isolating is a part of who i am.  i'm an introvert to the nth degree.  i find people exhausting and infuriating.  i would much rather be alone with my books, my notebooks and my animals than be with anyone.  i've always been this way.  since PTSD it has become an even greater part of who i am - to an unhealthy degree.  agoraphobia is the term.  for the first year after the flood i was scared nearly to death to leave my house.  the very place i despise.  a vicious cycle ensued - so scared of what happened to me in this house that i found it impossible to leave it.  so mush so that stepping on the front porch would cause hour-long panic attacks.
 
now things are a bit different though i still struggle mightily with going anywhere.  it seems all too pointless and scary.  since daddy's been in the hospital(s) i've fallen into the familiar pattern of home, work, hospital, home.  no grocery store, no seeing my few remaining friends, no life but the small one i've been left with (or carved out for myself, i can't tell the difference).  the scary part, sometimes, is that i don't want to do anything else.  
 
i'm just wondering if this is all there is?  wondering if this is all i'll ever have?  i have so much work to do yet to manage my PTSD and i'm exhausted by having to do it.  part of me just wants to give up.  part of me can't imagine ever feeling better.  i know that's a symptom of the disease but it's an alluring one.
 
i touched base with my therapist today for the first time in weeks.  just today i realized that it's been at least 2 months since my last appointment and i think i'm feeling the result tonight. 
 
grace and much needed peace   

day 50 something

it's been more than a month since i've even thought about writing.  7 and a half weeks have passed since daddy went to the ER.  it feels like years to all of us i think.  since my last post daddy moved to a cancer treatment center where he received 3 weeks of radiation (5 days a week) and chemo (once a week).  now he's in a rehab center where he's getting physical therapy every day.  don't know how long he will be there.
 
then HOME.
 
we will meet with the oncologist later this month for test and reevaluation to decide on future treatment.  diagnosis is the same, of course, but prognosis is much improved.  i don't know how long he has and i find that rather unimportant at this point.  the important thing is that the time he has left, be it months or years, is as pain-free and as filled with love as possible. 
 
i want him here as long as i live.  that's obvious.  i can't imagine my life without him.  right now, though, i'm just glad he got to the hospital when he did and that we are in week 8 of the rest of his life.  had he not gotten there when he did i believe he would be gone now.  as hard as this is it is bearable compared to his dying untreated and in pain.
 
since this blog is in large part about my struggle with PTSD and anxiety i will try to address what i'm feeling as far as that goes.  it's hard to define, as i'm not sure i've stopped long enough to think about me during this, but here goes...
 
in some ways i've noticed my anxiety less in the past 8 weeks as i'm too focused on daddy to think of anything else and too tired to give a damn on the other had.  that being said, i'm shopping nearly 100% online because the thought of a store is terrifying.  not sure if it's exhaustion or increased anxiety but i have little to no ability to do even the few things i was able to do before. 
 
prayers please.
 
grace and peace