i'm still...here

i haven't written in a while and it's only because i have NOTHING to report.  still job-hunting, to no avail...still sitting here just an anxiety-ridden mess.  am unable to accept that bankruptcy now looks all but certain.  i've been in contact with 2 different graduate schools today and it's possible that i could be admitted for fall but if money comes in for that, plus living expenses, it won't be until september or october.  i will be foreclosed on long before that.

was also told that i may have a job possibility opening up in the fall.  it's JUNE!  i don't know how to stand it.  i don't know how to fix this!  i pray everyday for a solution and yet i'm no good at waiting for the answer.  i can imagine that working a part-time job for minimum wage may be my new reality but i almost refuse to accept that bankruptcy will be the best thing.  as if *i* would know what's best for me!  i don't.

my nurse practitioner upped my meds to help with my anxiety and more so my sleep deprivation.  now i just feel drugged.  it'll take a few days for that to go away.  until then i am useless.  i feel like i'm trying to run under water. 

finally making myself take the car in for an oil change tomorrow.  i dread it.  i've been putting it off for miles and miles...

grace and peace

more of the same

sorry i've been MIA for a while.  there are a few reasons for this:  torturous and persistent headaches, a serious medical crisis for one of my best friends and a similar yet less serious medical crisis in my family, a couple of job interviews (neither of which i've heard from) and a general feeling of unease and melancholy. 

i struggle with a constant lack of motivation where my writing is concerned.  i cannot get my muddled thoughts out in any concise manner and so i just avoid the whole charade.  i always write (or not) like this.  it comes in strong and crashing waves and then trickles so slowly that i think i may indeed die of wanting.  it's like the quote i read years ago, i don't remember who said it, but the writer stated that "i write so slowly that i could write in my own blood and not bleed to death."  that's me!  i just keep reading and waiting for inspiration.

i'm job-hunting and praying and those activities keep me pretty busy.  i listen to a lot of music and try to convince myself that the house doesn't need any straightening...it does.  so that's what i do:  avoid any work and immerse myself in other people's words and chords and hope that i can hold out long enough to contribute my own.

grace and peace

overwhelmed and under pressure

i'm spending this rainy monday recovering from a busy weekend and trying to reassure the pets that i'm in for the day.  they are a little put out with me. 

i had a friend in from out of town on friday night so thursday and friday were spent in the ongoing tug-o'-war that is keeping this house clean and making it not feel like the flood-ravaged, neglected dwelling that it has become.  it was a nice visit (and i'm enjoying the benefit of a cleaner than normal house as a result) but it reminded me something that i've long suspected...that i've lost my ability to easily interact with people.  i think i was okay once she got here but i spent an inordinate amount of time beforehand worried about what to do, how to act, where to sit, how to talk to someone other than myself about anything but me and the flood, etc.

almost immediately after she left i got a dinner invitation from my brother, his son and our nephew at a restaurant that has thousands of square feet of video games, playgrounds, bowling alleys, etc.  (55,000 sq. feet--i just looked it up!)  i reluctantly agreed because i love my brother and nephews that much but dreaded it with dangerous passion.  i arrived on time (stop the presses!) and immediately became convinced that i COULD NOT enter the place.  i stood out front for 5 minutes before i called and texted my brother trying to discern if they were already there.  no response!  my anxiety doesn't allow me to enter places (especially unfamiliar places) alone.  i had just decided that i was going to have to go back and sit in my car when i saw them pull in.  RELIEF!  

hugs all around; i'm sure they could feel my overtaxed heart beating in my chest.  i was SCARED TO DEATH to go in.  we quickly got to a table and, as my brother and i both mentioned, the saving grace was that the tables are far enough apart that it felt safe even in the midst of all the chaos.  (no one sitting too close, no one overhearing our conversation.)  my nephews wouldn't even stay at the table long enough to order supper.  they just came around every half an hour or so to get swings of their cokes!  they live in different states and were spending spring break together so it was a special, special occasion!  my brother and i had a great visit (we laughed a lot!) i was exhausted when i got home and quickly retired to bed with my book and promptly forgot all about daylight savings time. 

yesterday was spent with a dear friend for a much needed girls' day out.  we ate and shopped and talked and laughed.  she's my rock!  i got a little anxious a few times but she is always understanding and supportive and let's me have my crazy moments.  sleep was hard-fought and hard-won last night so today i am recovering with just slow, short walks with winston in between periods of rain and a lot of housekeeping chores by way of bill-paying, resume-sending, job-hunting, etc.

i did get a call today for a job interview on thursday which will necessitate a trip to some kind of clothing store for an interview outfit as all my "work clothes" were either lost in the flood or i have, let's call it, "outgrown" them.  even though i'm walking 3 miles a day at least 5 days a week i'm seeing no weight loss success just yet. 

i have so much going on that i can't even figure out which life-changing event to focus on at any given time...graduate school admission, job hunting, finishing this house, therapy, losing 30 pounds (at least!) paying the IRS (with what money?) and living with PTSD and severe anxiety to boot!!  i would like it all RESOLVED and by someone else!!!!!!!  i'm tired.

the sun DID just come out for the first time today so that's something, right?

grace and peace       

alternate hot and cold

i'm very anxious today.  i've been overwhelmed with job hunting on-line and worrying about the fact that i do not own a fireproof box for my important papers (those that weren't destroyed in the flood, that is!)  there is no particular reason that i thought of said fireproof box but once the thought occurred to me i have been unable to think of much else.

my headache is better today though not totally gone.  i've spent a good part of the day with a cold pack on top of my head (i.e., like a southern belle with a book on her head perfecting her posture in etiquette class.)  i'm sure i look utterly ridiculous but i think it's helped a little.  that and sleeping (ha!) with a heating pad on my neck all night.

okay, i finally broke down and joined facebook.  i've been avoiding it forever and if i weren't so obsessed with pinterest i wouldn't have done it.  anyway, i will now be sharing these posts there as well (hopefully i'll remember.)

i have therapy tomorrow and for the life of me i can't think of any valid, believable way to get out of it.  i don't think the headache is gonna keep me from it.  i dread it more so this week than most.  i suppose it's my sheer and utter hatred of Christmas and the subsequent and ever-present green hills traffic that have added to the dread. 

grace and peace

 

"should" be damned!

"a "should" is a "have to" with no teeth; it is dead energy." -ruth ross

my therapist says that i need to stop "shoulding" myself.  i am overwhelmed with that thought tonight.  i feel that there are a hundred "shoulds" and shouldn'ts" rolling around in my brain and i'm unable to decipher them. 

should:  buy cards for my little sister and her daughter who share a birthday next week, wash a load of clothes, make plans for tomorrow night to prove to myself and others that i can, write, get more exercise (starting tomorrow), walk winston one more time tonight, pay some bills, answer the phone when it rings, make a grocery list and stick to it, unload my car of all the booty from my mother's house, write, come to terms with the fact that i may have a job soon, call my little brother, read my lesson for church, drink less wine, lose weight (directly related to aforementioned wine consumption and minimal exercise), write and dare i say it, etc., etc....

shouldn't:  drink so much coffee, spend so much time alone, buy any more books,  be so self-involved, define myself as "crazy" because i have PTSD, avoid the remaining work to be done on the house, continue to rely on "i can't face it" as an excuse, drink wine at 11:00 pm while listening to willie nelson, etc., etc....

the truth of the matter is, though i feel all these things non-stop, i am doing all i can to merely survive.  some of the above-mentioned things won't get done because i don't feel safe going to most places alone so i avoid stores, exercise and even leaving the house most days.  some won't get done because i am tired of asking people to accompany me.  that's on me and not them, i have plenty of willing people around but i'm too tired to coordinate it;  it's easier to do without.  i may have solved my wine conundrum because i opened my last bottle a couple of days ago and i'm not going out to buy any when it's gone...

though i've been smack-dab in the middle of this PTSD for almost a year it all feels fresh and new.  the edges have yet to be dulled by time; they are as sharp as freshly broken glass.  the pieces cut me even as i try to dispose of them shard by tiny shard. 

the job interview went well today.  i feel physically sick at the thought of having to hold down a job.  my panic attacks are so debilitating that i'm afraid i won't be able to function.  i'm nearly paralyzed with the fear that i will lose another job.  as i believe i've mentioned, i live in fear of the one remaining thing that will break me...though i guess you wouldn't really call that "living" would you?

grace and peace



do we still need the postal service?

today my copy of "PTSD for dummies" arrived.  luckily for me it fit into my still mud-encrusted mailbox so i was able to avoid the dreaded knock at the door by my mail woman.  i've been looking for the book in actual bookstores for months to no avail.  i've been afraid to order it on-line for fear it would have to be delivered to my door and i live in near-constant agony that a knock on the door will stop my heart cold.  i finally spent the whopping $7.98 to order it from amazon and began the mailbox watch in earnest.  now that it's here, and i've dodged the door-knocking bullet, i'm consumed with a real fear of reading the damn thing.  could it possibly make me worse?  will i develop a new symptom (one that has nothing to do with the now almost comfortable toenail and/or rubberband debacles?)  could additional information get me one step closer to a new understanding or cause me to revert two steps and draw a line in the sand?  if only i could be sure of anything!

i had a job interview today with a local animal hospital.  it was last minute--which was good as i didn't have time to obsess over it--but it was a nightmare for me.  i was a wreck.  i have no idea if i spoke even one intelligible sentence.  the place is under construction and my anxiety soared when i saw all the building materials and tools laying around.  i couldn't get out of there fast enough.  6 hours and a midday xanax later and it's all a big blur.

i managed to cook supper and eat a bite but otherwise the night has been spent in a long mental wrestling match with myself over this PTSD book.  i think i'm going to have to be content that i ordered it, paid for it and got it inside.  the reading of it will have to wait until i'm stronger. 

the only pleasant part of my day was that i made myself go in and allowed myself to buy a bottle of my favorite wine from one of my favorite shops.  i couldn't afford it and i didn't need it but i wanted it and bought it.  i opened it and had a glass with dinner.  it was very nice.  www.broadsidewines.com

grace and peace