if wishes were horses, beggars would ride

i wish i'd slept more than 3 hours last night;

i wish i'd had the energy and ability to go to church this morning;

i wish i had the energy for a long walk;

i wish this house weren't such a wreck;

i wish i had the energy and motivation to actually clean said house;

i wish i didn't have to do the dishes before i can cook supper tonight;

i wish someone else would cook supper tonight;

i wish i would force myself to write;

i wish i could stare at the wall all day and do nothing;

in lieu of that:

i wish i could read my book and listen to records all day.

 

you catch my drift.

 

i don't want to do anything responsible and hygienic.  i just want to be a slug and sit in this filth. 

 

anxiety is HIGH and i hurt all over.  i'll just have to make a list and tackle one. small. thing. at. a. time.  i can't bear the house the way it is one more day.  i don't know about y'all but if weren't for music i would never be able to clean anything!

 

grace and peace

mourning levon

here is the scene during my walk today-

 

iPod off shuffle, for once, and playing "the band" at near eardrum-rupturing volume.  tears pouring down my cheeks while i sung along with my sore throat and runny nose.  i learned of levon helm's death earlier in the day and took my walk mainly to walk off some of my grief.  levon, drummer and singer for "the band", has long been one of my favorites.

pollen of some sort was so thick in the air that it looked like a snowstorm and some of the yards resembled small, square cotton fields.  as i ran fingers through my hair i could feel it fall to my shoulders.  not to mention that i could, for the first time in months, actually smell the honeysuckle that lines the streets of my neighborhood--nice, but i'm allergic.  none of this helped my demeanor (or my allergies).  a mile and a half in i thought i wouldn't be able to make it home to a cold glass of ice water and a hot shower before my throat closed up good and proper.  i kept the walk to 2 miles but have been in an allergy-induced funk since i got in. 

one more night to survive a headache as well as heartache.

RIP levon!

grace and peace

2 days, 2 walks, 2 snakes

"if man could be crossed with a cat it would improve the man but it would deteriorate the cat."  mark twain

i've been missing my sweet maeve these last few days.  it's been in the 80s here in nashville and as a consequence winston, the overweight and under-motivated pug, has made it clear that he's not interested in long walks with me.  he wants many short walks--the kind that take us only one or two blocks from the house.  the kind that maeve used to take with us.  she walked with us rain or shine.  so many drivers, walkers, bike-riders would stop and ask about her, was she mine?, did she always walk with us?, did she think she was a dog?, did she think she was a person?  i miss her.

both yesterday and today i've seen snakes on my walks.  yesterday a 2-foot long, live one in the middle of the road when i had winston with me.  today a dead one 12-14 inches long on the side of the road (and i was nearly 2 miles from home--no quick getaway!)  yet another reason not to live near a river!

my anxiety has been okay today because i was outside in the sun almost all day.  it helps.  the only real panic was when i heard someone at the door.  i could tell that someone tried to turn the handle on the locked storm door.  i held my breath and felt the initial light-headedness and pounding heart that comes with a panic attack.  no knock!!  i kept myself in check but it was a good half an hour before i worked up the nerve to open the front door to find a flier from a local church stuck in the door.  really dodged a bullet there. 

think i'm going to finish the book i'm reading and head to bed early (hopefully thanks to the benadryl i need to control my sneezing fits).  i'm meeting my brother at early church service tomorrow and i usually mosey on into the late service so we'll see how i manage 9:00 a.m. 

grace and peace

"how high's the water, mama?"

"five feet high and risin'"  johnny cash

wednesday - i started the day with a walk before it got too hot.  by 9:00 am i was 3/4 of a mile in when i had a quick and painful thought:  "all of this was under water!  the water would be over my head right now if it were may 2, 2010!"  it ALWAYS feels like may 2, 2010 to me.  i panicked.  my heart pounded and i fought the urge to run home.  it didn't really matter...the whole neighborhood was under water, my house was under water...nowhere is safe.

i pictured the water rushing over my head in waves.  much to the dismay of those who assure me that because i can swim i had nothing to fear, i say, "that's bullshit!"  the current was so strong that even emergency workers couldn't enter the neighborhood except by boat for 5 days.  i had my first panic attack as i approached the park.  i quickly turned my back to the unseen river and had to stand, hands on knees, gulping air like a marathoner, less than a mile from home.  i got my breathing under control after a few minutes and tried by repeating, "i'm safe, i'm safe, i'm safe...there is NO WATER!" to calm myself down enough to finish.  i managed 2 miles instead of my normal 3 or 3.5.

i got home and found that i was afraid to come inside.  for the last 18 months or so i've been terrified to leave the house (sometimes i am UNABLE to do it) and then i found myself afraid of the house.  i could think of nothing to do but prune the 3 holly bushes out front.  (i did rush in for supplies and RUSH right back out!)  i spent a good while pruning, with my industrial worker's gloves covered in insulation, drywall dust and caulk, then bagging the limbs into industrial triple-thick outside trash bags left over from post-flood clean-up.  there is NOTHING i can do to get away!

i had several more panic attacks throughout the day and spent 2+ hours roaming the city while my yard guy mowed the yard.  i came home before he finished and had to make two extra trips around the area before i finally passed my street and saw that his truck was gone.  yes, that made me feel crazy but i also felt that i absolutely couldn't come home with him here.  no sleep.

thursday - a better day but i've had some lost time and have noticed my shortened attention span and suffered from a tension headache after all the stress and anxiety of yesterday.  i did manage a nap midday which is why i am now posting this, wide awake, at 1:00 am.

i can't understand why something won't happen, like a switch being flipped in my brain.  i know that there is no threat, i know that the flood is "over," i know that i am safe (as safe as anyone is) but i just can't stop the thoughts and the memories from paralyzing me.  i know that's what PTSD is and that all this is "normal" but it sure hurts and it's so exhausting.  i just want something to be easy.  it should be easy to take a walk in my own neighborhood but it's not.  there are reminders of the flood everywhere!

dear God i pray for...

grace and peace 

soundtracking spring

3.5 mile walk today with only 2 anxiety-inducing occurrences:  i was being stalked by a fedex truck and i had to overhear a metro health department worker tell someone at the entrance to the park that he was there doing soil sampling post-flood (almost 23 months after the flood) to measure the level of "contamination."  WHAT contamination?  what was in that river water when it was rushing through my house for 5 days?!  i tried really hard to ignore those things and concentrate on my music.

here's my soundtrack for today:

1.  "mickey" - toni basil (as in..."oh mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey mickey (clap-clap, clap-clap) hey mickey (clap-clap, clap-clap)

2.  "angel" - jimi hendrix

3.  "simple man" - lynyrd skynyrd

4.  "pride (in the name of love)" - U2 (the live "rattle and hum" version)

5.  "i want you" - bob dylan

6.  "tupelo honey" - van "the man" morrison

7.  "now i'm here" - queen

8.  "wild horses" - the rolling stones

9.  "over the hills and far away" - led zeppelin

10. "voodoo child" - jimi hendrix

11. "mexicali blues" - the grateful dead

12. "the denial twist" - the white stripes

13. "take me with you" - prince and the revolution

14. "effect and cause" - the white stripes

not bad.  now i have 5 hours in which to prepare my fragile psyche for a dinner out with a friend. 

grace and peace 



when good knees go bad

when i was 16 i was diagnosed with an hereditary bone disease in my knees.  a lot of us bradfords have it.  i hasn't bothered me too much in recent years and it was always worse in my right knee which became known as my "bad knee" and therefore by default my left knee has always been my "good knee."

until recently that is.  lately the good knee has begun to hyperextend often.  the "bone disease" is basically a form of tendinitis and causes the tendon to "stick" or "give way" and causes severe pain.  yesterday while on the elliptical machine my left knee hyperextended.  i was able to stay on the full 30 minutes and get by with little pain but it happened again today while walking winston and so now i am laid up on the couch with ice on my knee in what passes for my post-flood ice pack (a ziploc bag full of ice wrapped in a paper towel) with my civil war book and my pug on one side and cat on the other.  this is it for us tonight.

i managed to write just a little today.  about a page.  yesterday all i managed was one measly paragraph.  sometimes my goal of 2 pages a day comes easily and sometimes it's impossible.  these last 10-12 pages, which have taken me at least 2 months to write, have been torture. 

my anxiety has been a little better today but i'm getting uneasy as darkness approaches.  it feels oppressive today.  my best friend's play opens tonight and i wish that i could be in D.C. cheering her on. 

grace and peace

no more excuses...dammit!

below is the text of an e-mail sent to my therapist after yesterday's session where i was told to stop making excuses and do something different if i wanted to feel different...for me, right now, exercise is that thing... 

"i did 3 laps at the lipscomb track (a leisurely mile and a half) with only 2 terrifying instances:

1. a minivan pulled into the parking lot while i was on the opposite side of the track and proceeded to unload a shovel and some other unidentifiable item from the back--i was positive that i was going to be killed and buried under the baseball field. luckily they were gone by the time i got to the parking lot side. i may have literally dodged a bullet on that one;

2. some sort of bug flew up my nose so i'm certain that at this very moment some sort of burrowing insect is laying eggs in my very fragile brain.

so thanks for that. i hope you're happy now!" 

 

(she responded favorably and mentioned that the shovel-carrying van was most likely a groundskeeper--i never even thought of that--i knew i was a goner!)

 

i am 3 months away from my birthday and i am committed to seeing a difference in my exercise habits and seeing a change in my body and mind even if they are small changes.  i don't know about the rest of it but at least that is something that i can control.  even if i have to run down streets lined with half-finished houses with building permits still taped in windows (like mine) and dodge trucks full of building materials or use the elliptical machine in what used to be my guest bedroom but is now a storage room full of unhung doors, tools, boxes of who-knows-what, etc.  getting some exercise for my mental and physical health is at least the one thing i can choose and control. 

 

wish me well, and

 

grace and peace

...and a new one just begun

"...happy new year/let's hope it's a good one/without any fear." john lennon

no such luck for me.  i spent part of today trying to explain just why it is that i am afraid of my fireplace.  literally afraid of it--i can't imagine ever lighting a fire in it again.  i don't know why it seems so threatening but i've written off ever using it again just like i've written off ever taking an actual bath in either bathtub.  no matter how many times they've been cleaned i can still see them full of river water, mud and debris.  they will never be places of peace and rest again.  somehow the thought of lighting a fire in the fireplace has taken on an inexplicable terror. 

by about a quarter to 7:00 tonight it dawned on me that it was january and i hung up my new calendar (pugs.)  that is the sum total of my new years celebration.  that and i have eaten at least one of everything in the house.  i've used the elliptical machine the last few days and tomorrow i, like millions more, start in earnest the attempt to get in better shape.  

i wish i were able to feel excited, or hopeful, or even resigned to what awaits me this year but i still just feel overwhelmed and quite numb.  there is so much more to do...

grace and peace  

rocks vs. hard places

it happened today...the inevitable phone call with my mortgage company.  none of my options are attractive:

1.  pay a reduced amount and watch my excellent credit score start a steady decline as early as january 1;

2.  pay nothing, watch my credit nosedive and prepare for foreclosure to start in april (just in time for my birthday!);

3.  borrow against my line of credit at the credit union to keep the bills paid for another 3-4 months and pray that if/when i get a job it allows me to ADD another bill to my unmanageable finances;

4.  declare bankruptcy (eventually);

5.  run away!

i suppose i could add:

6.  attempt to sell this house, wretched, unfinished hellhole that it is, and THEN run away!

let's not forget that i can't grocery shop alone, i get lost to and from my own house, i live on no sleep and constant anxiety--i do not feel at all equipped to choose the correct thing (if there were a correct thing to be chosen.)  i have until mid-january to decide but i can't imagine being any more prepared then. 

on a lighter note:  i promised myself that i would start running again today and i chickened out.  i did make myself get on the hated elliptical machine for a couple of miles.  i have regretted replacing my flooded treadmill with that damn torture machine since i bought it.  it's supposed to be 60 degrees tomorrow and i'm gonna try to talk myself into running. 

hopefully tonight i will remember to take my meds on time.  if i take my sleeping pill too late (which i almost always do) then i'm useless until well past midday.  i'm awake but drugged.  i'm supposed to take the sleeping pill at about 7:00 so i don't feel hungover the next day but i never remember to take it until bedtime so last night i took it at 11:30 and was up until 3:00 a.m.

grace and peace

  

sad and scared

because of my inability to feel and reason like "the old amy" i find myself in quite a bind tonight.  i have arranged a trip tomorrow to adopt a cat from an animal shelter in kentucky.  my maeve has been gone 2 weeks--the ONLY 2 weeks of my life that i haven't had at least one cat--and i'm lonesome and lost catless. 

i feel an extreme amount of guilt over getting a new cat so soon, as if i'm "replacing" maeve without honoring her with my lingering grief.  though if i'm honest, it's more than that, it's that:

1. i can't grieve in any "normal" way (at least what passed as pre-flood "normal");

2. even when and if meave comes home--2 cats are better than one;

3. winston continues to look for meave and it's breaking my heart;

4. there are so many cats out there who need homes;

5. this particular cat is at a kill shelter;

6. she's a year old which significantly reduces her chance of adoption;

7. the adoption fees are affordable; and 

8. i can't stop thinking about her.

(sorry, i'm a list-maker!)

though i have shed many a tear over maeve in the last 2 weeks, i am worried about my insistence on getting a new cat right away.  it feels impulsive and screams of avoidance and desperation.  i'm not sure the right thing to do but i see myself coming home with a new siamese cat tomorrow.  right or wrong, i will love, spoil and not regret her for a minute. 

obviously my anxiety is high today.  i had to go out to the doctor this morning (which i have all but blocked out.)  it was hard in spite of the fact that i was out of the house less than an hour and a half.  the rest of the day has been spent reading, walking winston and watching and listening for maeve to come home.  my life is devoid of routine, exertion and productivity and yet i am exhausted and anxious all the time.  i'm trying to figure out some way to motivate myself to start working out again but so far it is totally an intellectual exercise.  i know that i would feel better but i continue to avoid anything resembling physical fitness.   

grace and peace and cats