lazy sunday

full disclosure:  i had plans to go to church this morning (as i plan to do every sunday morning) and then to attend a meeting at daddy's church-a biblical seminar on grief-at 1:00 BUT all i've done is walk the dog, eat toast for breakfast and finish my re-read of the fourth harry potter book.  i've also read my bible study for the day and spent a good deal of time in prayer.

now i'm watching a hockey game while waiting on the titans game to start.  i have a full day tomorrow: therapy, haircut, meeting a friend for coffee, grocery store.  i'm so exhausted these days that i need one day a week that i don't have to leave the house.  when i have no plans on monday i have an easier time getting to church. i'm making it to my wednesday night class without fail but i'm struggling with getting to church sunday mornings.  i get home saturday night so stressed out and exhausted that i'm useless until about supper time sunday night (i'm a night-owl).  

january at the store has been abysmal.  it's wearing on me like it hasn't before.  i don't know if it's because, with the sale of the building, i know my days/months are numbered or what but it's killing me.  it's obvious that the neighborhood in which i'm located can no long support a bookstore.  it's obvious that the new owners of the buiding see no value in a bookstore being there.  

it's so hard to know this 100 year old building with so much history - that is so loved by the neighborhood - is going to be destroyed.  anyway, i'm angry about it.  i'm angry that the city is changing so much.  i'm angry that the neighborhood is changing so much.  i'm angry at the people who don't come in.  i'm angry at the people who do come in, compliment the store in such glowing terms then wish me luck and walk out without buying anything.  i'm angry at more than that but you get the drift.  

i'm angry and that makes me tired.  being angry is so taxing and destructive.  i don't want to spend the last few months that i get to live my dream being so angry.  i'm trying really hard (hence all my time in prayer) to enjoy the positive things: the genuine interactions, the in depth, nerdy book talks, the compliments, etc.  i want to appreciate those while i still have them.  i do know that when this is over that those are the things that will comfort me. that those are the things i will look back on in the days and years to come when i tell people about what it was like to own my own piece of heaven - a used bookstore.

grace and peace

    

if wishes were horses, beggars would ride

i wish i'd slept more than 3 hours last night;

i wish i'd had the energy and ability to go to church this morning;

i wish i had the energy for a long walk;

i wish this house weren't such a wreck;

i wish i had the energy and motivation to actually clean said house;

i wish i didn't have to do the dishes before i can cook supper tonight;

i wish someone else would cook supper tonight;

i wish i would force myself to write;

i wish i could stare at the wall all day and do nothing;

in lieu of that:

i wish i could read my book and listen to records all day.

 

you catch my drift.

 

i don't want to do anything responsible and hygienic.  i just want to be a slug and sit in this filth. 

 

anxiety is HIGH and i hurt all over.  i'll just have to make a list and tackle one. small. thing. at. a. time.  i can't bear the house the way it is one more day.  i don't know about y'all but if weren't for music i would never be able to clean anything!

 

grace and peace

thanks be to God

so many days i use this forum to share my anxieties, fears and complaints but today i want to give thanks to a great and generous God.  not knowing what to do about the fast-approaching payment dates of most of my bills, last night i reached out to three Godly, loving and caring women at my church with my needs and my prayer requests.  this morning i heard from all 3 of them and have a paid mortgage and car payment.  

these women don't know that when our preacher asked us yesterday morning to give thanks for our "mothers in the faith" that i prayed for all 3 of them by name.  see, this is not the first time they have come to my rescue since the flood.  

even after all this time it's still humbling and sometimes very hard to ask for help.  i have certainly done it enough and will no doubt continue to ask for assistance until employment comes my way.  the most humbling things remain the help that comes without my asking:

the cash i got today in a card from my best friend,

the overly generous birthday gift from a friend,

the dozen or more meals another friend has bought with no thought to when i will be able to pick up the check,

the groceries bought by my mother,

the money from daddy to refill my long-overdue prescriptions,

the monthly check from my best friend's parents,

the therapist who sees me for free,

the hugs,

the willingness to listen,

the 'i'm sorry',

the late night phone calls from my brother,

God's never-ending grace and provision.

i keep repeating a scripture over and over when i begin to worry about what i will eat, drink or wear...

"therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  each day has enough trouble of its own."  matthew 6:34

grace and peace and thanks

         

Good Friday/Passover

the plan for today was:  family function, walk, shower, church for Good Friday service tonight at 7:00. 

the reality of today was:  family function...

i've been struck with a monstrous headache, whether from allergies, as a result of being outside all day, or from going too long between my breakfast of 2 homemade pancakes and my supper of leftover pasta i'm not sure.  probably a combination of both.

by the time i got home and walked winston i was too hungry and in too much pain to do anything but eat a bite and lie down.  now it's too cool and dark for me to start a walk and it's 5 till 7:00.  and my head still hurts! 

i think i will turn off this computer, read the crucifixion story in all 4 Gospels and spend some time in prayer in lieu of church.  then it doesn't really matter what else the night brings.  i will be ready to celebrate Easter on sunday. 

He is risen!

grace and peace

how the grinch survived Christmas...

i wrote a little, read a little, watched all the frasier Christmas episodes that were available on netflix, watched die hard (yippie-ki-yay!), prayed the phone wouldn’t ring, took winston for a long walk since the weather was so nice (high 50s), played with kentucky, talked to no one (i did respond to a couple of texts), treated myself to a peppermint mocha from mcdonald’s, took a 45 minute nap (!), drank a little wine, ate a little brie, spoke to a father and his little girl on her new bike (complete with training wheels, streamers and a bell!) on my walk, missed my aunt jenny, skipped the family function (natch!) and watched winston devour a pigs' ear (a Christmas gift from my mom!) i don’t buy them, of course, since i’m a vegetarian! 

i ate too much even though i didn't go anywhere and i have been maudlin and anxious all day.  i'm glad it's over and all i have to do is go see my niece and nephew later this week and see what santa got them.  they are used to my anti-Christmas stance and no longer question it, they just lump it in with my vegetarianism and my bookishness and write it off...bless their hearts!

i wish i could have made it to church this morning but i settled for watching it on-line.  it was a beautiful service; i sang along, right out loud, just like i were there.  i hope to be able to get past my anxiety and make it there in person next week. 

grace and peace

5 days and counting

starting to feel like i might live through this sinus infection.  after five days, 2 boxes of kleenex, a whole bottle of theraflu and dozens upon dozens of halls cough drops, i feel a little more lively today.  granted all i've done is nap and read.  i churched at home for the second week in a row.  last week i blamed a sore throat but it was mostly that the lesson was to coincide with the chapter on "growing through grief and loss"  in the current book we are reading.  i didn't feel like i could make it through that while physically present.  i have the best church family in the world and would have been comforted by those around me if i had "lost it" during service.  while i wouldn't have been embarrassed to cry, i was genuinely fearful that if the tears did come they would never stop.  i read the chapter, did the lesson in the workbook and watched the service on-line (then met a friend for a walk in the park.)

today i stayed home so as not to offend with menthol seeping out of my pores and used kleenex peeking out of every pocket.  this lesson wasn't as emotionally taxing for me, basically  slowing down and "being quiet before God" in this over-scheduled world of ours.  for those of you who know me, you know this is not something i struggle with.  i can sit in silence without something to do for hours, days, weeks at a time and be fine.  i was blown away by a statistic in the book stating that the average person is only comfortable with silence for 15 seconds.  that's unbelievable to me!  all of that is not to say that i don't need to work on filling my time with feeling the presence of God.  i read a lot of books, write a good deal, listen to a lot of music and stare at the walls an awful lot and i need to spend more time with Him.

the only day i've been out this week was tuesday.  i spent the day with my brother and his kids who were on fall break (i almost typed "spring break" because my internal calendar is off after all this time of not working - there is no way i can fathom it being october of 2011!)  the kids biked while my brother and i walked the 4 1/2 mile trail.  my allergies really kicked in the next day and here i am with another week gone and little to no memory of it.  (much like the last year and a half.)  i have spent a good deal of time dreaming of the bike i would like to buy so i can ride with the kids some.  my brother and i enjoyed walking and talking behind the kids as they rode but we also both longed to be riding!

grace and peace