Saturday, December 22, 2012

worrywart

tonight i'm worried:  worried about the bills i can't pay, worried about the plumbing i can't afford to have fixed, worried about the lack of sleep i continue to survive on, worried about the weight i continue to gain, worried about my ability to ignore the calls of bill collectors, worried about the apathy that plagues me most of the time, worried about the number of 2012 highway fatalities displayed on the signs posted around town - 981 at last count.
 
i don't know how to do anything different than i'm doing.  i don't know how to do more.  i'm so tired.  so stressed.  and so DONE!  a person can only take so much and my limit was reached at least 2 years ago.  things keep limping along and i feel so unprepared to cope.
 
faced with yet another new year and all i can think is that i'm so glad this one's over.  no hope for the new one, no good memories to look back on, just one day after another of SURVIVAL.  no belief that the new one will bring relief - just more of the same.
 
i'm tired of living my life this way but this is all i have right now.  it's not enough but it's what i've got. 
 
i'll keep praying for,
grace and peace

Sunday, December 16, 2012

how much more?

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart!  I have overcome the world."  John 16:33  (emphasis mine)
 
in times like these i know of nothing to do but be grateful that this world and it's pains are temporary.  i grieve, as the nation does, with the victims, families and survivors of the horrible shooting at a connecticut school on friday.  26 innocents shot down in a senseless act of aggression and evil. 
 
i know little of the man who perpetrated this act.  i don't want to know about him.  i want his name to be forgotten in all this and the names and lives of him victims to be remembered and celebrated.  he is not deserving of our attention.
 
yes,  i believe we need not only an open and realistic dialogue about guns but also about mental illness.  i know the guns he used were obtained legally by his mother - one of him many victims.  would stricter gun laws have kept them out of his hands - no.  but could stricter gun laws, a deeper understanding of mental illness, an end to the glorification of violence and saturated media coverage of these events make for fewer of these tragedies in the future - i think so.
 
there will never be an acceptable answer to why this happened.  no matter what we learn about the shooter's childhood, illness or personality will ever satisfy our pain.  as a Christian i continue to try and learn that the "why, God?" questions we have will probably never be answered on this fallen, sinful earth.  our human minds, brains and hearts can't process the evil of the world just like we can't always process the sheer and utter goodness of the world:  the teacher who shields students with their own mortal bodies, the soldier who walks into a firefight, the stranger who donates a kidney. etc. 
 
in the days to come as we are bombarded with news of funerals, protests, the 2nd amendment and the mentally ill let's NOT forget the 26 lives lost. that while the flags are at half-staff and we weep with these reminders let's not forget that for the families of the lost their pain, suffering and trauma is just beginning.  the flags will go back up, the holidays will come and go and all the victims will be stuck on dec. 14 for a long time!
 
we owe it to them and to ourselves to remember.
 
grace and peace
 
  

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

in the dark

because i'm tired i'm just going to share what i posted on facebook today...
 
"recovering from 2 days with no electricity.  hopefully it will be on when i get home.  i spent a very cold night (46 degrees in the house.)  i made it 2 1/2 years past the flood to actually have something turned off for non-payment.  actually that's not true, i've had my internet turned off a couple of times and i think my cell phone once.  anyway, as i was piled under a sheet and 5 blankets of various thickness and warmth, a pug and one of my 2 cats, reading my book by flashlight i thought how LITTLE it bothered me.  something that would have mortified me and been a HUGE inconvenience just a few years ago seemed like only a minor bump in the VERY bumpy road that i've been on since may, 2010.  save for the best daddy in the world i would be in the dark (literally) until friday, payday.  prayers appreciated while i continue to climb this mountain."
 
"here's hoping that sunday's leftover pasta that's been sitting in an increasingly warm refrigerator for the last 48 hours doesn't make me sick."
 
welcome to post-flood life:  unpaid bills, apathy and the aftermath!
 
grace and peace and electricity!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

left behind

i'm behind...behind on writing the blog, behind on my diet, behind on my bills, behind on writing the book, behind on everything.  it's not a new condition - i just thought i'd mention it. 
 
thanksgiving has come and gone and now i'm on the anti-Christmas warpath.  i give praise for the birth of Jesus but i despise what the "holiday" has become.  the consumerism disgusts me.  in my opinion, such as it is, we should aspire to want less stuff not more.  and this is not a post-flood "everything could be gone tomorrow" outlook.  i've been screaming this for 10 years or more.
 
yes, i do think that i've become even more outraged since the flood when i struggle every month to pay the bills (keep in mind most of them aren't paid) and yet continue to hear, "my family has a $50 limit for gifts."  guess what $50 could buy for me?  pet food for the month or gas for the month or my reduced school loan payment.  it's hard.  everything is hard!
 
i'm so tired of living this post-flood, hyper-vigilant, hourly-wage, no health insurance life.  i'm still waiting (2 weeks now) for my inhaler to combat my asthma but the red tape and phone calls and begging for generics, etc. is exhausting and demoralizing.  i have a college degree and i can navigate all this but i feel for those people who don't have the wherewithal to stand up for themselves and accept the first "no" they hear and do without.  this is a hard world for the poor and uninsured.
 
i'm as tired of dealing with this post-flood life as i've ever been.  i'm a different person while nothing around me is different.  things continue on and yet i stay the scared, shocked, angry, exhausted person i've been since may 2, 2010.  2 1/2 years of my life is gone and i have very few memories and even fewer memorable moments to cling to. 
 
i will keep on keeping on for lack of an alternative but i will do it while NOT observing Christmas. 
 
grace and peace


Sunday, November 11, 2012

emptiness

"grief makes one hour ten"  Richard II, Shakespeare
 
today has been one of those days:  nothing feels right, nothing satisfies, can't read, can't write, can't sit still, can't get anything done.  i feel, at once, sad, tired, angry, anxious and uneasy. 
 
i've been struggling with this new asthma diagnosis for almost 2 weeks now and i don't feel any better to date.  i hurt all over.  steroids seem to only be making me hungry.  the pharmacist is calling the doctor tomorrow for a more affordable inhaler as the one prescribed on friday is $153 (welcome to the world of the uninsured).  wouldn't you think at the clinic for the uninsured/underinsured that the doctors would just NOT write scripts for medicines without a generic?  i mean, seriously?! $153.  i was assured that there are plenty out there with a generic so that by thursday when the oral steroid is gone i will be able to afford the inhaler.  the x-rays and additional tests will just have to wait.
 
this days seems to have lasted 6 weeks.  i wish i could have slept it away but that's not to be.  insomnia persists.  i suppose i'll try to go to bed before long if only to avoid having to eat again.  i feel hollowed out.
 
much needed grace and peace  
 
  

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Monday, November 5, 2012

and the winner is...?

my anxiety level is high tonight with the anticipation of the election tomorrow.  i feel that it will go my way and yet i am nervous about it.  i think the term is "cautiously optimistic." 
 
it's been a long election season (much longer for those of you with a TV!) and i can honestly say i will be glad when it's over. 
 
hopefully 24 hours from now we'll have our answer.
 
grace and peace and four more years!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

october surprise

i realize that i am in the minority in my hatred of holidays however i defy anyone to defend the following...
 
1.  a mustang i was following this afternoon had some sort of plastic (?) creature hanging from the back that was a white ghost on one side and black bat on the other; 
 
2.  a honda i saw only a minute later had a fake hand and foot hanging out of the back as if a body were stuffed in the trunk;
 
3.  and, of course, the hated hay bale is made up to look as if a witch has crash landed complete with a broom, witch's hat and various and sundry black cats roaming around. 
 
these things are NOT okay!  am i right?  who likes halloween enough to actually take the time to do any of this?  i cannot understand.  granted i think all holidays are overrated and would fine if we could just skip to march and avoid the whole charade. 
 
i am more moody than normal because i can't breath...but only a little more moody. 
 
grace and peace

Sunday, October 21, 2012

under the weather

i don't remember the last time that i felt too bad to take a shower but today has been one of those days.  i left the couch for diet dr. pepper and the bathroom a couple of times.  i think it must be bronchitis.  i had to have a friend assure me last night that i wasn't having a heart attack.  every intake of breath hurts.  today that is a little better but my temp is up and breathing is still labored. 
 
my ears are stuffed with sweet oil and cotton balls, my box of kleenex is almost gone and i really would like to have some ice cream.  (though i don't think you're supposed to have dairy when you're this congested.)  anyway, i'm off to bed about 3 hours early.  i don't have the option of calling in sick so i have to be at work at 10:30 tomorrow regardless.  luckily i can take it easy there.
 
my anxiety has been really high for the last couple of weeks and now i find myself sick.  just goes to show how interconnected our minds and bodies are.  
 
grace and peace  

Saturday, October 13, 2012

hibernation

i had numerous things to do today:  southern festival of books, DAR meeting, visiting with friends from out of town and i can't do any of it.  decided to stay in and rest.  i have sinus trouble:  sore throat, ears, head so i'm just gonna load up on meds and attempt to lie around.  head hurts too bad to read so i think i'll try to watch something on hulu and sleep the day away. 
 
thanks to family i was able to visit trader joe's yesterday and pick up a few things so there is a distinct possibility that i won't see the light of day until monday.  if i feel better i'll go to church in the morning otherwise i'll only dress and venture out to walk the pug.
 
grace and peace and lazy, cloudy saturdays


Friday, October 5, 2012

more of the same

dealing with serious anxiety the last few days.  about nothing in particular and everything in general. 
 
hoping for a relaxing trip to mississippi with daddy tomorrow to visit family.  i don't get to see my little brother and sister enough so i'm looking forward to it.  hoping that my anxiety will abate enough to let me enjoy the visit. 
 
this has been a week full of small, infuriating reminders of the flood:  letters from FEMA, phone calls from various flood-related organizations.  it's just never-ending.  i don't see how i will ever feel like the flood is over.  it continues to slap me in the face regularly.  i'm so tired!
 
off to bed with my book and, since it's raining, all 3 pets.  here's wishing for some sleep.
 
grace and peace

Sunday, September 23, 2012

soapbox time

disclaimer:  this a political diatribe - feel free to not read, to disagree, to comment but know that it comes from a place of exhaustion and disgust at the tone of discourse these days.
 
on my way home from the grocery today i passed a tractor trailer with these words written into the dirt:  “vote God in and vote the devil out!” 
this made me so angry.  yes, i am a liberal democrat and an obama supporter but never, be it romney, mccain, or even bush would i call my political opponent’s agenda of the devil or imply that my candidate’s platform was of God.  if indeed that as the implication rather than calling the candidates themselves “God” and “devil.”
i am so tired of this argument:  this is a Christian nation!  and that the republican platform and their ridiculous family values agenda are more “Christian” than we democrats who are gay-loving, baby-killing, terrorist-appeasing, welfare-taking pinko commies. 
this nation was founded by a group of men who were the descendants of men and woman who came to this land so that they could worship who and how they chose to.  did most of the founding fathers believe in “God?”  YES.  But was it Christian God as we think of him?  NO.  was their belief in the divinity of Christ?  Mostly NO.  did they frame our laws based on Judeo-Christian principles?  YES.  But did they not make the First Amendment: “congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof...”  YES! 
our constitution doesn't mention God but it does say that the black man was 3/5 of a person.  abraham lincoln said, “the bible is not my book, nor Christianity my profession.”  see, he was a politician not a preacher.  we do not elect our representatives to impose or religious or moral beliefs on others.  we, as Christians, are to live out Christ on this earth.  ourselves. 
we all have to vote our conscience and i realize that there are many who don’t agree with me and will vote likewise.  i am a democrat and a Christian.  i believe the bible is the inspired word of God; that Jesus died for my sins and was resurrected and sits at the right hand of God.  i believe there is no way to the Father but through Him and we will all stand in judgment.  i just hope that i won’t have to answer for the disgusting vitriol that is spewed toward and from both sides of the aisle. 
when someone disagrees with me, i hope that i have the wherewithal to listen and disagree and go vote to cancel theirs out but that i will respect their opinion, their God, their church, or synagogue, or mosque, or temple, or cathedral and pray for them as my brother or sister and remember that we are all here to learn from one another and we WILL be judged on how we treat each other.
Teacher, what is the greatest commandment in the law?  Jesus replied, “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  this is the first and greatest commandment.  and the second is like it:  love your neighbor as yourself.  all the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments.”  Matthew 22:37-40  
grace and peace and harmony?   

Saturday, September 22, 2012

the first day of #%*&+!

"just as the painter needs light in order to put the finishing touches to his picture, so i need an inner light, which i feel i never have enough of in the autumn."  leo tolstoy
 
yes, the weather is glorious here in nashville today.  yes, the air smells clean and crisp.  yes, i've spent most of the day out of doors.  yet i mourn to my core the end of summer.  fall brings with it some things i love, football, hockey (in a good year), the vibrant colors but for me it is the precursor to wet, rainy, dreary, sunless november.  the rainy season is almost on us here in middle tennessee and the ground will be soggy, muddy and cold from november-february.  it hurts.
 
this is always the time i vow to spend every sunny minute outside before the sun hides itself from me during the nashville winter.  i sometimes wish i could be the person who embraces fall as the beautiful season it is and yet i more closely align to the russian novelist quoted above.  a sad state of affairs, i suppose, but this quote is far more positive than the ernest hemingway i almost quoted.  that one is a killer!
 
i've been sick for a couple of days and that has added to my melancholy.  the house is still a shambles and though i have managed to run the dishwasher and wash a load of linens i've done precious little.  i read my lesson for church tomorrow and walked winston.  now i'm going to attempt to eat a bland dinner and find some mindless movie or TV episode to distract me.
 
thanks to some very generous friends, when my appetite returns, i have money for groceries.  though i certainly take for granted this season i've been given i do not take for granted the friends and family God has blessed me with.
 
grace and peace  

Monday, September 17, 2012

i hate vampires

tomorrow is the dreaded trip to the psychiatrist.  here's the worst part:
 
him:  "medicine working okay?"
me:   "yes." (thinking - i can't make anyone understand that NONE of this medicine helps me sleep!)
him"  "did you get your blood work?"
me:   "no."  (thinking - i haven't gone to get the blood tests you ordered and NO, i'm NOT going to get my blood drawn.  i'm here for PTSD and anxiety - don't add to my stress!)
him:   "amy, you have to do it.  it won't hurt."
me.    "LIAR!"  (thinking - i HATE you, you vampire!)
 
all that and it's supposed to rain all day tomorrow just like it has today.  my appointment is at 8:45 - will be finished by 9:00 and then i have an hour and a half until work - i won't waste the gas to come back home.  i have $2 cash, no food, no money in the bank, less than half a tank of gas, running low on dog and cat food, 3 more days of work this week and payday isn't until friday so there's no where to go. 
 
this morning i was going through my tin of "state quarters" trying to talk myself into parting with them.  i managed to find 6 doubles.  that's $1.50 of my $2.  if things don't pick up i will cash in the 50 quarters for $12.50 worth of pet food. 
 
anxiety level = high.
 
grace and peace

Friday, September 14, 2012

28 months and counting...

today:  could only leave the house to walk winston even though i desperately needed to go out to the bank.  i did manage to make one of the dreaded phone calls that i've needed to make for weeks re: my school loan.  couldn't get it deferred but i did get the payment reduced.  not that it really matters - i can't pay it.
 
i'm so tired of constantly feeling the effects of the flood.  not just once in a while - but ALL THE TIME.  it still rules my life.  the unfinished house, the unpaid bills, the stress, the anxiety, the feeling of being in danger 24 hours a day, the inability to do the little things, the constant and overwhelming FEAR. 
 
i remain exhausted and i continue to struggle with debilitating headaches (one of the reasons i couldn't go out today, i was afraid to drive with my head hurting this bad.)  i have to go out tomorrow for my therapy appointment and the promised trip to my brother's for the tennessee football game.  here's hoping i can make it. 
 
i keep being reassured that my only mistake in how i'm coping with the flood is the misperception that 2 years is enough time to recover from having everything ripped away in a matter of minutes.  it seems like a ridiculously LONG time but i'm assured that i lost a LIFETIME and that 2 years is only the beginning.  GREAT!
 
grace and peace

Saturday, September 8, 2012

headache, day 3

yes, it is only 3:30.  yes, i've already eaten my late lunch/early dinner.  and yes, i may be headed to bed soon.  my headache is still here, my stomach is upset and i want this day to end. 
 
i had an anxious day yesterday in anticipation of today:  i had both my first DAR meeting this morning and a scripture reading (john 1:1-4:42) in front of my church congregation (also streaming live) at 1:00.  i made it through both of those without my anxiety bothering me but now i'm as exhausted as if i had chaired the meeting and written the scripture. 
 
it's so hard to do things that once would have been easy.  when they asked me to say a little bit about myself at the DAR meeting this morning i couldn't think of a thing to say.  i just feel as if i'm going through the motions of this life and that i have nothing left and that i am a shell of my former self.  i managed the requisite, "i was born in raised in nashville, my family has been in tennessee for at least 8 generations, i went to lipscomb, i work at rhino books" and then...nothing.  i don't feel like i have anything to say to "normal" (meaning non-flood victims) people anymore. 
 
i think maybe winston and i will pile up in bed and turn on a movie, it doesn't really matter what.  he's still feeling the aftereffects of his BATH yesterday--meaning he's as exhausted as i am.
 
grace and peace 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

the anxious mind

my anxiety is very high these days.  the workday is fine but the minute i leave i feel it rise to near-panic attack level.  i can't figure out if it's because i have to keep it together while at work and then i let down when i leave and fall apart or if it's another one of the anxiety-inducing things on my mind.
 
tonight was the first night i drove home in the dark.  that does not make me happy!  reminds me of the undeniable fact that it's almost september, the impending fall and the dreaded winter not far behind.  the death toll on the big, scary electric signs on the interstate now stands at 666.  it went up 5 today! 
 
i had begun to feel like a horrible person because i so dreaded seeing the '666' that i was almost hoping the number would jump to 667 and then i realized what that would mean.  1 more precious life gone.
 
last night on my way home i got so angry when i drove by a little restaurant that i used to visit with some regularity and saw a group of friends visiting in the tiny parking lot.  my immediate reaction was:  i can't do that anymore.  i can't go there - it's too noisy, the tables are too close together, it's not a pre-approved "safe place" now.  i was reminded of how far i have to go.  how much work there is yet to be done.  how tired i am and how different i am.
 
headaches have plagued me this week and i am once again going to attempt an early bedtime and at least a few hours of sleep.
 
grace and peace


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

cornbread and cat toys

long day at work today.  didn't sit down all day!  it's still hard to get used to.  i'm so thankful for this job.  it's just perfect for me right now.  it's the only job i've ever had that didn't feel like a waste of a good day!  :)  if only the money allowed me to have some breathing room...

tonight i let my aunt feed me dinner (pinto beans and cornbread) and let my dad give me $20 gas money, a jar of peanut butter and a box of crackers to tide me over until payday on friday. 

i'm still struggling daily with my anxiety but it does seem to abate some while i'm at work because i'm busy all day.  today, though, i was worried about my pug because he ate a cat toy over the weekend and it was causing some problems.  i believe we're out of the woods on that score - he's back to himself tonight. 

i think i will turn off all the gadgets and take my book to bed.  i feel a little overwhelmed and exhausted and do not need to spend any time catching up on "news" like i do some nights about this time.  i'll just take the easy way out and watch "the daily show" in the morning.  

grace and peace 
  

Saturday, August 11, 2012

unsettled

today is one of those days...

i don't want to read anything, watch anything, listen to anything, go anywhere or otherwise interact.  i thought for a while about going to my brother's to watch the olympics but thought better of it due to my general moodiness and the amount of gas needed for the 70 mile round trip. 

there's no food here and no energy and/or money to rectify the problem.  i have one potato and i thought of mashed potatoes and green beans (somehow i have a can of green beans!) only to remember that i don't own a mixer anymore.  is it possible that i've not cooked mashed potatoes since the flood?  well, i'll have to settle for a baked potato, then!

it's unseasonably cool outide today (low 80s) so i've spent some blocks of time outside sitting, staring directly into the sun, or making winston walk more than he bargained for today.

i guess i'll continue to pick up a book, put it down, turn on music, listen to a song or two and turn it off, try to concentrate long enough to watch an episode of a sitcom and then lose my place or get to the end and realize i've not actually seen it.  ugh!!

i hate these days.  these are the only days when i miss not having a TV.  with a TV at least i could flip channels until midnight and not know where the time went.

grace and peace  

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

school year blues

this is weird but i'm starting to get really nervous about all my friends going back to work.  they all work at schools and the semester is about to start.  even though i now have a job of my own i feel very nervous about not having access to them during the week.  my anxiety rears it's head all over the place. 

i feel the same sense of dread i did when i was a student being herded back into another school year of less-than-fulfilling classes and busy work.  though my routine won't change i feel cheated by the absence of my friends.

part of my dread may be related to the impending fall (and it's weather) though i won't have to face said fall until october or so here in tennessee.  i hate winter and all that it brings so fall is just an every day reminder of what is to come...

sleep hasn't been coming easy (shocker!) so i'm exhausted tonight.  think i'll take my book and head to bed.

grace and peace

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

welcome to the world, evans!

i have a new nephew as of 8:24 this morning.  i won't be able to get out of town and see him (and family) until saturday.  i hate that i wasn't there.  i was at the hospital when all 4 of my other nieces and nephews were born.  a new job and other circumstances kept me in nashville today instead of a hospital in mississippi.  can't wait to hold him!

he's beautiful, don't ya think?

grace and peace and gratitude

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

heat wave

the air conditioning has been on the fritz at work and my brain is a bit fried.  it got fixed today in the nick of time:  i was about to spontaneously combust.  i just wanted to stop in and say hello before retiring to finish my book.  when i'm within 50 pages of the end of a book all things stop until i've finished.  i'm rereading a favorite, "the shadow of the wind", in anticipation of the sequel.  as soon as "stairway to heaven" ends i will turn off the iPod and read.

i love the 4 day work week that i have.  it's amazing to me the difference in a 4 day vs. a 5 day week.  of course, i know the books have a lot to do with it as well.  i'm really enjoying the job (air conditioning crisis notwithstanding.) 

anxiety continues to plague me, but not so much during my work hours so i consider that a blessing.

grace and peace

Saturday, July 14, 2012

constantly cloudy skies

i know we need the rain but the constant downpours are starting to make me very uneasy.  winston doesn't want to go out, the cats are angry with me and i am feeling anxious and melancholy.  cleaned up a little this morning only to have the cats track in mud with every attempt at outside play.  they have retired for the day, accepting that the rain has overruled them.  i am still fighting it and anxiously waiting for dark to come so i don't have to look out on the rain-soaked patio/backyard.

i broke down and rented a redbox movie for tonight because i can't stand the constant freezing up of this old computer.  i just want to escape this day with my clean sheets, pets and robert downey, jr. as sherlock holmes.

is 7:00 pm too early to go to bed?

grace and peace and sunny skies (eventually)  

Monday, July 2, 2012

highs and lows

had a good day today at work.  my brother stopped in for a surprise visit and, while i was busy, we still got to visit and laugh a little.  then i got the news that a dear friend's mother died suddenly today.  it was a great shock and my heart aches for her and her family.

a death always reminds me of the things i take for granted and the pain that comes with regret and unspoken truths.  to all my friends and family...i love you and i cherish you.  we aren't promised that this life will be easy and we aren't promised that it will be lengthy.  let's be grateful for every day and every blessing.

my friend's mother was a faithful Christian and without that i know that her enormous grief would be so much worse.  my love to you, s.s.

grace and peace! 

Friday, June 29, 2012

working girl

my first week of work (with my regular schedule) is over and my first paycheck (for last week's abbreviated schedule) is in the bank.  looking forward to my paycheck in 2 weeks to see what my monthly earnings will be.  it sure felt good to see that deposit in my bank account this morning.  after 2 years of not working it is such a blessing. 

other than tired feet and legs when i get home at night i have no complaints.  and even that is bearable.  it's like the soreness after a good long run or workout--you know you've earned the sore muscles and it's a "good" tired and sore.  the positive thing is that i'm not still sore when i get up in the morning so i feel like i'll adjust to all the standing, etc. 

my anxiety is mutating into other areas now that i have a job.  i remain obsessed with the death toll flashing on all the electronic highway signs.  i'm also becoming more and more anxious about my pets being home alone while i'm out all day.  they are fine, but i'm not.  i worry about them constantly (even when i'm here if they are outside or out of my sight.) 

it seems the anxiety must find an outlet.  it's exhausting!  i'm so tired of not being myself.  afraid that i don't even know the real me anymore.  i wonder if the changes are irrevocable?  will i just have to learn to live with this forever?  will the real me creep back in one day when i've given her up for good?  or is this the damn "new normal" that everyone assures me i can expect?

i just can't solve it.  i suppose everyone feels that way about something, huh?

grace and peace  

Saturday, June 23, 2012

highways and byways

anxiety:  distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune.

what amazes me about my anxiety is that it attaches itself to things i have never thought about before.  i knew that getting a job wouldn't make my anxiety dissipate because this is bigger than any one thing.  yes, i am relieved to be employed but i am still bringing in less money than is going out.  i really love the bookstore, i love the books and the customers and the feeling i get while there:  that i am a part of something special, something fighting for it's very existence in a digital world but thriving in spite of it.

now i am obsessed and anxious about my safety, or lack thereof, while i'm in the car.  in nashville the electronic highway signs have begun to broadcast a running total of road fatalities in tennessee.  each day i see the number tick up and live in absolute fear that i will see the number change while i am driving and that my reaction will one of sheer terror which will cause me to be the next cold, hard number that will be displayed for all drivers to glance at, ignore or grieve for.  it's horrifying to think that with each number increase there is a family, or many families, that mourn that death and have to attach that impersonal number to their loved one for all time.

i am not sure if such tactics make drivers behave differently or if it's a deterrent to any unsafe behavior but i know i have to wage an internal war with my anxiety to get me on the road some days because i don't want to see to what extent the number has increased.  i am reminded daily that things are just not as easy as they used to be.  everything is hard while battling PTSD and anxiety.  i wonder sometimes why i am so exhausted and try to remember that i have fought so hard these last 2 years just to keep my head above water that i have a right to be tired.

i pray for the strength to carry on...

grace and peace 



Sunday, June 17, 2012

gainfully employed

yesterday was my first day of work in more than 2 years.  i got a full-time job in a local, independently-owned, bookstore.  other than the understandably low salary i am thrilled.  if all the bills get paid i'll be thrilled with the money too.  those of you who know me well know how important books are to me.  i love the thought of being surrounded by books and book people again.  the words and works of great writers are much more of a comfort to me than a big bank account. 

i had a full day of training yesterday and am waiting to hear when my regular schedule will start.  i think (and pray) that it will be sometime this week.  the sooner the better.  i spent a few hours with daddy today celebrating father's day.  that was nice.  other than that it's been a quiet day with my book and the scrabble app on my iPad.  

i am so grateful for all the prayers, words of encouragement, positive thoughts and job leads given by friends and family in the last 2 years.  not to mention the financial help which has kept me afloat in a very difficult time and a stagnant economy.  much love and thanks to y'all.

i sure hope that a routine and regular time out of this house will help a little with my anxiety and that working again may help with my very painful and exhausting insomnia. 

grace and peace

    

Friday, June 8, 2012

i'm still...here

i haven't written in a while and it's only because i have NOTHING to report.  still job-hunting, to no avail...still sitting here just an anxiety-ridden mess.  am unable to accept that bankruptcy now looks all but certain.  i've been in contact with 2 different graduate schools today and it's possible that i could be admitted for fall but if money comes in for that, plus living expenses, it won't be until september or october.  i will be foreclosed on long before that.

was also told that i may have a job possibility opening up in the fall.  it's JUNE!  i don't know how to stand it.  i don't know how to fix this!  i pray everyday for a solution and yet i'm no good at waiting for the answer.  i can imagine that working a part-time job for minimum wage may be my new reality but i almost refuse to accept that bankruptcy will be the best thing.  as if *i* would know what's best for me!  i don't.

my nurse practitioner upped my meds to help with my anxiety and more so my sleep deprivation.  now i just feel drugged.  it'll take a few days for that to go away.  until then i am useless.  i feel like i'm trying to run under water. 

finally making myself take the car in for an oil change tomorrow.  i dread it.  i've been putting it off for miles and miles...

grace and peace

Thursday, May 31, 2012

laughter is the best medicine

"dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which i guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."  deep thoughts by jack handey

i spent today at my brother's house with the family.  i laughed hard, more than once, at my hilarious niece and nephew.  those kids are too funny.  they are quirky and smart, sarcastic and lovely.  they love me no matter what; no matter how misanthropic and introverted i can be.  i laugh so rarely now that it's a shock to my system.  it feels unnatural even as it's happening.  what a shame!  i hope that one day laughter will be a normal part of my life again and not just an anomaly.  

we watched hours of french open tennis until we turned it to stanley cup hockey.  i learned of many things that i've missed out on because of my lack of TV:  a new 'batman,' a new 'men in black,' a new 'spiderman?'  i had no idea.  just another reminder of how disconnected i am from the world around me.  

my niece made it clear that she would not be spending any time with me over the summer.  her reasoning:  no TV, no meat (i'm a vegetarian) and no sweets.  not for her, she said; i'm boring and weird.  she can't imagine how hard these last 2 years have been and the toll that they've taken.  i hope she never knows.

in the house full of activity, talk, TV, laughing, singing, yelling and fighting i, at times, felt very nervous and overwhelmed.  i don't realize the level of quiet to which i have become accustomed.  i wouldn't trade these days with them for anything though.  when i have a job and am able to see them less i will ache for these days of their childhood spent basking in the light and ease of summer.

this one's for you mackenzie and ben.  i love you!

grace and peace        




Monday, May 28, 2012

memorials

i spent the day with the family - the visit that almost didn't happen.  the headache that i woke up with on friday hung on for days...and days.  finally able to get out today but i came home tired and jumpy.  i once again discovered, almost too late, that i have a dreaded doctor's appointment tomorrow...the nurse practitioner that prescribes my medications.  it takes no more than 15 minutes and involves no more than a dozen questions...the same questions that have been asked of me for the last year and that i have never failed to answer in the same uninspired, anxious tone.

Q:  "how are you feeling right now?" 
A:  "anxious."

Q:  "how is your sleep?" 
A:  "not good."

Q:  "how's the job search?" 
A:  "worse."

Q:  "how's the appetite?" 
A:  "elevated, i'm starving right now!  look at me i'm a house!"

Q:  "these medications all cause weight gain." 
A:  "no kidding!"

i've been resisting picking up the phone and leaving a message that i need to reschedule.  i see them for free so it's not like they would be losing any money if i don't show up but i keep telling myself to go and get it over with because i won't want to do it in a weeks time either.  i don't even remember a time when leaving the house was easy.  so many things are difficult now that it's a wonder i ever manage to show up somewhere.  i'll try in the morning. 

i am thankful for all of the soldiers who have served, past and present, and those who gave their lives so that we might have our freedoms (even those that allow me to sit and complain and worry about if i will be able to drive the 12 miles to the doctor tomorrow!)  God bless all our heroes!

grace and peace

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

looking back

date and time have been on my mind these days.  the month of may especially:

may 2 - 2nd anniversary of the flood,
may 17 - my grandmother's 95th birthday,
may 22, today - the 20th anniversary of my high school graduation.

i can't help but try to remember who that 18 year old was and what the last 20 years have done to change her.  that, and how very much i still resemble her. 

i am the first to admit that i have never been one for plans, goals, rigidity or preparedness.  i graduated high school with a college scholarship to the only school to which i applied - where i was the third generation of my family to attend.  i never thought much about what classes to take, what to major in or what i wanted to do for a living.  i've never wanted to do anything but write.  the fact that i didn't major in english or journalism has not escaped my notice.  i chose political science and history  barely able to imagine a life of campaigns, waxing poetic about political theory and historical events while making a name for myself writing.  none of that worked.

i made a career in law with no ambition to attend law school.  i continue to write (everything:  fiction, non-fiction, poetry) and go where i go.  now, unemployed for 2 years, and at another crossroads, i have no idea where to go or where i will end up.  part of me figures that i will do what i always do - fly by the seat of my pants.  but another part of me wishes that i could have been and done what came so easily to other people - those of you who have always known what you wanted to do or fell into a job that you love or that fulfills you or pays the bills and doesn't make you want to pull your hair out. 

i never knew anything about what i wanted.  i only knew what i didn't want.  i never wanted children, i never wanted to work only for money, i never wanted to live in a small town again (by graduation i had already been living back in nashville for 6 months and felt very removed from the years living in the small town in which i spent the years 9-17.)

i don't remember much about graduation, just the white dress i wore, the dinner afterward with my family and a couple of parties after that.  i don't remember having any particular fears about what was coming...college...job...life...

now i have fears about everything and i wonder if that's the way life works.  what 18 year old has any idea what awaits them as the years go by?  not a one. 

grace and peace

Monday, May 21, 2012

Rated PTSD

"there are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."  laurell hamilton

tonight the stress has been all my fault.  i sat down to watch a movie about which i knew nothing.  one of the characters had PTSD and i should have turned it off right then but i was half an hour in before this character walked on.  his pain became mine and mine his.  as i watched him patrol his empty, fenced-in yard, lose himself in far-away memories and disconnect from the man he used to be i started to feel all the troubling signs of a panic attack:  i couldn't sit still, my breath became shallow and my chest began to ache.

terrifying.  the whole thing--PTSD, anxiety, agoraphobia--is so hard to explain.  the only way i know how to describe it is that i am unable to trust my own thoughts.  i suppose one of the reasons that i am so afraid to be out of the house is that i can't trust my feelings; of safety or of danger.  everything feels dangerous and yet i am so disconnected from my own feelings that i'm not sure i can gauge my surroundings in any real way.  it's just easier to stay home.  easier to have a short list of "safe, pre-approved places" and a long list of "unsafe, scary places."

i don't have any enemies, but if i did, i wouldn't wish PTSD on them.  it is painful and exhausting and misunderstood and plain hard!

grace and peace

Thursday, May 17, 2012

95 and counting

i spent today celebrating my grandmother's 95th birthday.  she, my 2 aunts, cousin, daddy and i went to eat and then visited for hours on end (as the bradfords are want to do.)  we listened to stories of her 95 years--her first memory (having pneumonia before her 2nd birthday) the first time she rode in a car (her mother's funeral a month before her 5th birthday) the first time she experienced indoor plumbing and electric lights (a trip to ft. worth to visit an aunt with her daddy and sister not long after her mother died.)  those things are invaluable to know.

i have been blessed with close relationships with my grandparents.  my daddy's daddy died the year i graduated from college.  i was 22.  my other 3 grandparents are alive.  i'm 38!  i love to hear the stories of relatives i never knew, the nicknames, the childhood memories (like the fact that 2 of my grandmama's sisters shared the same imaginary friend, harley.)  those are priceless things.

my anxiety has been high the last few days in anticipation of today.  knowing it would mean a long day outside the house and a trip to a public place.  that, and the ever-present, post-flood fear i have of death.  i spent too many hours worried about the phone call that never came telling me that grandmama hadn't lived to 95.  she was tired at the end of the day but she is fine.  i love her with all my heart.

"95, and my kids still can't keep up with me!"

this has never been more true of a 95 year old.  she still washes and dries the dishes after every meal (no dishwashers for her!)  she did say when i asked her the convenience she most appreciated that when granddaddy bought the electric washing machine that it was nice.  i imagine so with a husband and 5 kids...

i love you mildred lehr crownover bradford!  you are the most Godly, precious woman i've ever known.

grace and peace

Monday, May 14, 2012

thanks be to God

so many days i use this forum to share my anxieties, fears and complaints but today i want to give thanks to a great and generous God.  not knowing what to do about the fast-approaching payment dates of most of my bills, last night i reached out to three Godly, loving and caring women at my church with my needs and my prayer requests.  this morning i heard from all 3 of them and have a paid mortgage and car payment.  

these women don't know that when our preacher asked us yesterday morning to give thanks for our "mothers in the faith" that i prayed for all 3 of them by name.  see, this is not the first time they have come to my rescue since the flood.  

even after all this time it's still humbling and sometimes very hard to ask for help.  i have certainly done it enough and will no doubt continue to ask for assistance until employment comes my way.  the most humbling things remain the help that comes without my asking:

the cash i got today in a card from my best friend,
the overly generous birthday gift from a friend,
the dozen or more meals another friend has bought with no thought to when i will be able to pick up the check,
the groceries bought by my mother,
the money from daddy to refill my long-overdue prescriptions,
the monthly check from my best friend's parents,
the therapist who sees me for free,
the hugs,
the willingness to listen,
the 'i'm sorry',
the late night phone calls from my brother,
God's never-ending grace and provision.

i keep repeating a scripture over and over when i begin to worry about what i will eat, drink or wear...

"therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  each day has enough trouble of its own."  matthew 6:34

grace and peace and thanks
         

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

growing pains

i don't have anything in particular to talk about today but i felt the need to write.  maybe something will come...i usually feel better after writing and that is no small feat.  i'm struggling with bronchitis, and it is a struggle, it takes all i have to shower, take winston on his short walks and breathe!  last night i nearly killed myself in an attempt to put clean sheets on the bed.  it took nearly an hour to accomplish for having to sit and catch my breath. 

i was in desperate need of sleep and i managed to get a couple of hours.  i think i've had a total of 8 hours of sleep in the last 4 days...i'm hurting now.  sometimes my insomnia doesn't bother me much (when i can read and write and generally enjoy my awake hours) but in the last couple of weeks i've been unable to write and am almost unable to read.  those middle of the night hours aren't fun right now. 

nothing is fun right now.  i had dinner with a friend last night and had another one of those moments...those reminders of how out of touch i am with the real world.  we went to macy's for a few minutes and i was flabbergasted by the price of one piece of clothing.  i feel, in those moments, like a coma patient waking up after years of unconsciousness to find a world full of new things and it's scary.  my near complete exclusion from the pre-flood world has taken it's toll. 

i don't work, i don't shop, i don't have concact with many peole at all, i don't leave the house for days and weeks at a time and it's shocking to realize that the world has moved on without me.  it's like that scene from "growing pains" where mike seaver realizes while he's home sick from school that "'gilligan's island' is on TV whether i'm here to watch it or not."  the realization that the world as we perceive it is just that:  our perception.  it goes on with or without us. 

anyone who has lost a loved one knows that feeling, when you are immersed in grief, and cannot believe that other people are going about business as usual while you mourn and say goodbye to family or friend.  the last 2 years of life have felt like that.  i am in a constant state of shock and grief and everybody else is keeping on:  shopping, planning vacations, celebrating holidays, etc. and here i am.  just stuck.

sometimes i wonder if the world has changed too much for me to ever feel comfortable again.  or have *i* changed that much?

grace and peace  

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

2 years gone

#s since the flood...

# of years: 2
# of months: 24
# of weeks: 104
# of days: 731
# of hours: 17,544
# of minutes:  1,052,640

# of minutes i feel removed from the flood: 0

# of bills to be paid in may: 10
# of bills which will be paid via automatic withdrawal: 2
($72 car insurance, $8 netflix-which i only have because i don't have a television)
# of dollars left in checking account come may 5: $5.00
# of panic attacks: innumerable
# of new prescription medications i now take: 3
# of medicines i tried before i settled on the current cocktail: 5
# of days remaining before I run out of meds: 1
# of doors left to hang: 6
# of friends who have not spoken to me since the flood: 2
# of friends who have stopped taking my calls: 4
# of resumes sent: 187
# of job interviews: 5
# of books read: 147
# of pages written: 169
# of pets lost since the flood: 2 (sage and maeve)
# of pets adopted since the flood: 2 (kentucky and moxie)
# of pets in need of flea and tick meds: 3
# of $ needed to buy said meds: $50.00
# of days until we run out of pet food:  approx. 4

# of days feeling safe in my own house: 0
# of houses on my street alone that are abandoned: 5
# of $ still promised me by metro: $412.00
# of $ they want me to spend in order to receive $412: $879.00
# of neighbors fired post-flood: 5 that I know of
# of houses foreclosed on: 3 that I know of
# of neighbors that feel "back to normal": 0 that I know of

today i hightailed it to my brother's house so i wouldn't have to be here on the 2 year anniversary of the flood.  his kids always make me feel better, even today.  i vowed not to return until well after dark so i could justify just going to bed--which i am about to do.  i wanted to acknowledge some of the above numbers that are ruling my thoughts these days.  

i can't get my mind around these stats.  i now wonder how long my electricity and my water will stay on once i stop paying.  i wonder how many of my creditors have my home #--since i'm about to have to turn off my home phone.  i wonder how i'm going to at least buy pet food and hopefully get my car payment and cell phone bill paid each month so at least i won't lose everything all over again.  i'm resolved if i lose the house--it's not a big loss to me now.  i hate this house but i don't want to be totally helpless (carless and phoneless.)

i pray everyday that i will get a job and won't have to lose anything but it would be crazy at this point not to acknowledge that i am just a few months from foreclosure.  a few months from bankruptcy.  i can't solve any of it tonight so i'm off to bed.  "after all...tomorrow is another day."

and i could really use a may 3rd as i feel like i've been living may 2, 2010 for 2 straight years!

grace and peace        

Monday, April 30, 2012

it goes on...

here i am again, anxious, sleepless, and sick.  one leads to the next and finally my body breaks.  friday brought with it a level of anxiety that i had not felt in a while.  yes, i am anxious all the time...but the terrifying, debilitating nervousness awoke with me that morning and since i have paced the floor, been wide awake virtually non-stop and have been hit with a sinus infection/cold or the like. 

the 3 day headache i suffered with last tuesday-thursday left me spent and weak.  the upcoming 2nd of may ever-nearing on the calendar and a complete lack of any resolution have sent me spinning.  my life continues to revolve around a long-ago day most people have long since forgotten and/or moved on from.  i'm not made that way.  my traumatic childhood and subsequent happenings have left me more prone to inertia and stress than to coping and moving on. 

as i walked winston today i heard the neighbors' fountain, installed post-flood, and i am reminded that not everyone who suffered as i did has remained stuck in the pain.  i'm afraid, literally afraid, of the sound of running water most days and i find it damn near impossible that a family who lost everything in a flood could rebuild and then go and put a fountain on the front porch!  they are the loveliest of people and have a young daughter, who is breathtakingly beautiful, who loves to come pet winston when i walk him...but i regularly think of how i could best bash that fountain to hell and remain on good terms with the family.

it's true that most of my neighbors are right where i am--nervous, angry, lost and with not a small feeling of helplessness but some people just experienced the flood and dealt with it and recovered.  i have no idea how to deal with it.  i continue my therapy, my medication, writing about it on this blog and in other forums, and yet i'm still here.

i am unable to write, to read, to watch movies or television.  i'm just not comfortable anywhere.  i mostly lie outside on my back and stare directly into the sun.  when i get cool or the bugs begin their feast of my flesh i move inside and lie on the couch staring out the skylight into the moonlight or the moonless dark. 

i pray for...
grace and peace


Tuesday, April 24, 2012

stephen king and jack white

i had 2 tasks today:  download the new jack white album and buy the new stephen king novel.  a few years ago this would have been a great day indeed--2 of my favorite artists releasing material on the same day.  yay!  well, this is not a few years ago and so today went like this:

paced the house anxiously dreading the bookstore (who EVER saw that coming?!) and tried hard to convince myself to use my remaining birthday money (in the form of an itunes gift card) to download the book to my ipad and skip the album therefore saving money and a trip to barnes and noble.  i got ready anyway, walked winston, headed out to west end with the knowledge that if i got there and couldn't go in that i could always come back home and read the damn ebook.  

i get there and, great day in the morning, there's a parking spot!  you nashvillians know how impossible that vanderbilt parking lot is.  it was a sign i suppose.  i made it inside and instantly my hopes of finding the book sitting on the "new release" table were dashed.  it was nowhere.  everyone in the new store (it just opened after the borders that used to be there folded) was busy.  i had to hunt through the store (both floors) which now appears to be the actual vanderbilt university bookstore--as in all the text books, sweatshirts, electronics and paraphernalia is on display.  i was anxious about the new surroundings and i still couldn't find the book.  i finally had to ask and one of the employees found it on a cart in the back.  

i realized as i walked though the cafe with my iced coffee that i was getting some looks.  since the flood i've joked that i feel like i have "flood victim" or "prone to panic attacks" or "PTSD" tattooed on my forehead because my anxiety makes me a little paranoid and ultra vulnerable.  i quickly remembered that i was standing in the middle of all these vandy students and i had on a white t-shirt with a huge orange "T" on both the front and back.  it was not my status as trauma survivor that was garnering all the attention it was my allegiance to the university of tennessee, and it's unmistakable orange, smack-dab in enemy territory.  i got out of there in one piece, no thanks to a rude man, who not only didn't hold the door for me, but nearly knocked me over on his way in.  it was so egregious in fact that a young guy came out after me and commented on it.  his kindness thus saving the aforementioned man from my wrath.

i rushed home as i always do after such outings with shaky hands and pounding heart, driving much too fast and running from and toward nothing in particular but my own anxious thoughts and fears.  i did get a little laugh as i was in the midst of a near tourette's screaming fit at a honda doing 55 in front of me in the fast lane.  yes, 55 is the speed limit, but "i can't drive 55!"  as i passed the car on the right, mid-scream, i turned to taunt the driver of said honda when i saw 2 nuns.  the nun driving had her hands at 10 and 2 and the nun in the passenger seat was holding rosary beads.  i'm not even kidding!  it was hilarious to me.  i laughed a good long while at that one.  as long my, by now, pounding head would allow.  

when i got home i downloaded the jack white and walked winston.  by the time i got inside it was 2:30 and my head was splitting!  from then until now i've been on the couch in the fetal position.  i don't know if it's stress, my ever-worsening eyesight, my allergies or my lackluster diet of late but i've been in severe pain.  so much so that i have neither listened to my new album or read a word of my long-awaited, difficult to come by, new book.
  
i just keep hearing ferris bueller's words over and over in my head, "how's that for being born under a bad sign?"  

grace and peace    

Thursday, April 19, 2012

mourning levon

here is the scene during my walk today-

 
iPod off shuffle, for once, and playing "the band" at near eardrum-rupturing volume.  tears pouring down my cheeks while i sung along with my sore throat and runny nose.  i learned of levon helm's death earlier in the day and took my walk mainly to walk off some of my grief.  levon, drummer and singer for "the band", has long been one of my favorites.
pollen of some sort was so thick in the air that it looked like a snowstorm and some of the yards resembled small, square cotton fields.  as i ran fingers through my hair i could feel it fall to my shoulders.  not to mention that i could, for the first time in months, actually smell the honeysuckle that lines the streets of my neighborhood--nice, but i'm allergic.  none of this helped my demeanor (or my allergies).  a mile and a half in i thought i wouldn't be able to make it home to a cold glass of ice water and a hot shower before my throat closed up good and proper.  i kept the walk to 2 miles but have been in an allergy-induced funk since i got in. 

one more night to survive a headache as well as heartache.

RIP levon!
grace and peace