be kind: please rewind

for those of us who grew up in the 80s you know what this title means.  for the youngsters: this phrase was found on VHS tapes (for our top-loading $600 VCRs) as a reminder to rewind the movie we had driven to the video store to rent, paid for, driven home and watched - assuming it was a good copy - and then were fined for if we returned it the next day without having rewound it.

 

tonight as i was watching "skyfall," the latest james bond film, i was thinking about this phrase.  i had to hurry and watch so i could get it back to the mcdonald's redbox before 9:00 and was anxious about it.  i didn't want to go out.  i was wishing i hadn't gone out yesterday to get it.  i was thinking that pre-flood i would never have missed a james bond movie in the theater.  now i can't go to movies and i hardly ever think to rent them. 

 

i was thinking that i wanted to REWIND to yesterday and stay home therefore not having the pressure of today.  the "have to go out" stress i now live with.  (truth the told, that's always been stress for me it's just much worse now.)  then i thought if i could REWIND to the time in which the movie was in theaters then i could have retroactively avoided any stress today.  however, if i could REWIND that far, how about just REWINDING to my pre-flood life.  

 

the trouble with that, and i know i repeat myself, is that i have no memory of that time or me in that time.  i feel so different than that person - the pre-flood amy.

 

i know we don't get do-overs and i know that we have to live and play with the cards we are dealt.  i'm just not sure how to do that and ever find this elusive "new normal" i keep hearing about.

 

grace and peace (and don't forget to REWIND!)  

a walking bullseye

the level to which anxiety has invaded my life still boggles my mind.  this week i've been struggling with a near constant feeling of vulnerability.  i made myself go to dinner with a friend last night but told her that i was sure her van would get flattened by a meteor before night's end.  i feel exposed, as if i'm walking around naked while trying not to draw attention to myself. 

nothing feels safe.  today i've even been unable to watch television.  this week i have encountered 3 episodes of 3 different shows that have left me terribly anxious:  one having to do with a house fire, the 2 others dealing with PTSD and showing brief but realistic panic attacks.  i watched all 3 shows but shoudln't have.  now i'm reluctant to do even that.  i've read a lot and listened to a lot of music today. 

my brother just called and told me to watch the thanksgiving episode of WKRP where they are dropping live turkeys from a helicopter.  HA!  i will watch that tonight!  i'm going to his house tomorrow for a day of football (we celebrate thanksgiving on the day after with the family.)  i wish that i had my copy of "home for the holidays" but i lost it in the flood.  it is my absolute favorite thanksgiving/disfunctional family movie!  it's gone.

i am thankful for many things.  i wish that i were as adept at listing those things as i am at listing the lost things, the scary things, the different things and the new things.

     

the magic of movies

last night i watched one of the greatest movies i have ever seen.  "cinema paradiso" winner of the 1989 oscar for best foreign language film. 

i haven't slept a wink.  it was just one of those nights (maybe related to one too many cups of coffee yesterday which i drank because i hadn't slept enough on thursday.  can you say "vicious cycle, folks?)  i replayed this movie in my mind, did a crossword puzzle, suffered one panic attack, watched 3 episosdes of M*A*S*H and listened to the trains go by.  10:00 am now and i think i'll try again to sleep a bit. 

grace and peace and movies