another hard anniversary

i don't even know how to put this day into words.  one year ago today, as things were ramping up with the virus, i left the store on what would be the last "normal" day.  it's so strange to remember what that time was like.  we all knew things were about to change.  the store had a very good week because folks were stocking up on books to read for the inevitable shelter-in-place order. (if only we had known what was coming.)

i got my first COVID symptoms just 5 days later.  some of the next days and weeks are hazy at best.  i was sick for several weeks.  tests were scarce then; i didn't officially test positive until mid-april.  businesses in nashville weren't allowed to reopen until mid-may.  i had to wait another week or so to get a negative test.  

i knew by then that my new landlord was not going to renew my lease and that i had to be out of the store by june 30.  i had just 6 weeks to sell what i could and pack and store everything else.  i scheduled appointments with regulars and first-timers too.  gone were the days of walk-in customers.  

the dream of my lifetime was coming to a swift end.  

it's impossible to describe what the store meant to me.  to walk in there every morning and see the fruits of my labor, to leave every night and say, "goodnight bookshop" like i was talking to a friend, was what i always wanted.

there is nothing like the feeling of having a complete stranger come in and have a good time, compliment the curated selection, the music playlist, the décor, spend a few minutes talking about their favorite book, get a recommendation and buy a few books.  that will always be my greatest professional achievement.  i don't expect anything to ever rival that feeling.  i miss it every day.  

i don't know what the future holds for me.  i try to be grateful that i got to live my dream for a little while.  but today it really hurts. 

grace and peace and bookstores forever  

a dreaded day

today is the day i've dreaded for days, weeks, months:  the day i had to move the contents of my office to a storage unit.  the bookstore is almost completely empty now.  i have 3 days left on the lease and i'll have to work part of all 3 of those days to get everything done in time.  i was blessed today with helpers (in fact, i had more than enough) but i still felt like i was alone.

the problem with not having a business partner, an investor, even a husband, is that i have to suffer these kinds of things - the big stuff - all alone.  no matter how many people show up on a day like today, i still have to face it all on my own.  i have to sit with all my decisions and all my sadness alone.  

(full disclosure:  my brother just called to check on me - he helped today.  full, full disclosure:  i prefer to be alone - i don't mourn that decision.)  

anyway, i'm beyond tired and sad.  i just want to pile up in bed with my pug and my book and not think for a while.  

grace and peace. 

positive

my bookstore has been closed for 6 1/2 weeks but i certainly don't feel like it. i was sick for 4 weeks! (3 of which i had a fever) so that time is just lost. the only way i am sure it's been so long is the state of my bank accounts.  after 5 weeks, my unemployment was finally approved. i still haven't been paid yet but i know it's coming. that's something. i'm expecting my stimulus check any day now too. i've applied for tiny small business loans and other resources as well.  

no news on when i'll be able to open. we have to have 14 days of declining numbers. as of today i think we are on day 1. (and we aren't testing on tuesdays-just monday, wednesday, friday.) we'll see.  

i miss this place but i won't go back until it's safe. it's a lot of stress to know that i have to make this decision. having had the virus, i know how scary and serious it is and i will not put my customers at risk.  

each of us is in a tough spot right now and we have to make the best decisions for ourselves, our families and our neighbors. i do feel the added pressure to not make a mistake that affects one of my customers.  that last week i was open i felt like i was doing everything right - i cleaned the door handles, the bathroom, the tablet, etc. after every customer left the store and i still contracted the virus.  

stay safe, y'all. stay home if you can. wash your hands. wear a mask. we're all in this together.

grace and peace and health

    

virus from hell

well, y'all, is this surreal or what?  i'm having a hard time getting my mind around it.  i've had mild symptoms for about a week now.  my doctor's office is confident i have it and that i picked it up at my bookstore.  i really only spoke with a doctor because i have asthma and i wanted to be sure that i had a new inhaler handy just in case.  he called it in and CVS pharmacy mailed it to me.  i'm now quarantined until at least april 7 - which is my birthday.

i'm glad i closed the store when i did.  i've been closed since i left there on saturday the 14th.  unfortunately i ran a few errands on that weekend, and early last week, to stock up on groceries, etc.  i sure hope i didn't make anyone else sick. 

i'm anxious about the store being closed and no money coming in.  however, for some inexplicable reason, i'm only a little anxious.  maybe it's that i'm sick.  maybe it's that i can't do one single thing about it.  maybe it's that i know that no matter what happens - whether i'm closed a month or whether i never open again - that somehow i will be fine.  see, i've survived worse.

so many people are in my boat right now.  i am confident that we will pull together and survive this.  and there are so many folks who are very sick and dying and so many families who have already lost loved ones that my little bookstore and my chest pain and my shortness of breath seem inconsequential.

i'm angry that people still aren't taking it seriously.  i'm angry that huge corporations are putting profits ahead of people.  i'm angry that the federal government will bail out the corporations and that most of us will get a $1,200 check...in a few months.  how will $1,200 pay for months of my closed store?  how will $1,200 help a family who lost one or both incomes for weeks upon weeks. how will $1,200 help most people when it won't even cover one months rent?  

ugh...i'm exhausted.  take care of yourselves.  wash your hands, keep your distance when you have to go out, stay home as much as you can.

grace and peace 

      

the official countdown

got the official word today that the new owners of the building want to renegotiote a new lease when mine expires in june BUT that my rent will double.

so they (a university-my alma mater) "want" me to stay but they intend to make it impossible to do so.  they will, within the next 2 years, tear down this 100 year old building and build shiny, new, soulless, generic buildings in its place but they can't continue to rent to me in the meantime at my current rate?  they have to double the rent?

no, they don't have to.  they choose to.  the university representative said that if i leave they won't rent the space to someone else they will just move in some existing university employees.  so it will become office space and they won't make any money at all.  still, that's preferable to them than cashing my rent check and keeping an alumna-owned small business on the block.

it's not hard to tell that i'm angry about this.  i'm also greif-stricken and anxious about it.  i have some time before i have to let them know what i intend to do but there's only one answer:  i have to close.  there is no way i can pay more.  there is no way i can afford rent anywhere else in nashville.  so the dream is ending.  it's heartbreaking.

i have to stop thinking about it tonight.  it's exactly what i knew was going to happen so it's not at all a surprise.  it just starts the countdown in an official way.  on june 30th...i'm done.  

lent begins tomorrow and i haven't spent any time on my plan for observing.  some years i give up something.  some years i add something.  this year i have no idea how to do either and sustain it for 40 days.  i'm already overwhelmed. 

i'm gonna fall into bed and pray for sleep!

grace and peace  

to write or not to write

these days i can't seem to write anything.  i've just managed a handful of blog posts in the first 7 weeks of the year.  BUT...i'm trying not to be too hard on myself.  i need to write this blog for my sanity and i want to be writing on a fiction piece i've been working on for a while but i'm pretty worn out these days.  

the store takes it out of me and my anxiety is very high!  this week my therapist told me that i'm the highest functioning agoraphobic she's ever treated.  i suppose that's something to be proud of(?)!  i am an agoraphobic but i go to the store every day and i talk to strangers all day all the while somewhat terrified of being out of the house.  i suppose i'm able to do it because i'm also somewhat terrified of being in the house.  (i also have no choice.)  

anyway, i'm really going to work on setting aside a few minutes a day to get myself back into the habit of writing.  i know it helps.  i don't know for sure what my reluctance is other than the general anxiety of recording some of my anxious thoughts on the blog.  that, and my general laziness and procrastination when it comes to planning and doing any additional non-bookstore related work.  (you should see the state of the house!) 

grace and peace and writing    

piling on

i feel like i should write something tonight but i have no idea what to say.  i'm overwhelmed.  that's all i feel...overwhelmed by everything:  life, the bookstore, upcoming choices, the past, my present, the future, grief, hard facts that have to be faced, going through life with a mental illness, looking at everything through the lens of trama and loss.  

how would one not feel overwhelmed?

i am, by no means, alone in this.  most of these things are faced by an awful lot of people on this green and blue planet hurtling through space.  but one thing i really struggle with is that people offer me very little comfort.  i'm not a people person.  i want a deserted island and the comforts of life but NO people.  knowing i'm not alone is, most often, a very cold comfort to me.  i wish i were alone...most of the time.

i don't wish i were different in this but i feel like maybe it would be easier at times.  community and all that.  i know that's what God created us for; it's one of the things i can't wait to ask him about on the new earth.  here on this earth i struggle with it so very much.  

i'm gonna try to get a little extra rest tonight so i'm headed to bed early (at just after 11:00 - it's very early for me).  

grace and peace and rest

lazy sunday

full disclosure:  i had plans to go to church this morning (as i plan to do every sunday morning) and then to attend a meeting at daddy's church-a biblical seminar on grief-at 1:00 BUT all i've done is walk the dog, eat toast for breakfast and finish my re-read of the fourth harry potter book.  i've also read my bible study for the day and spent a good deal of time in prayer.

now i'm watching a hockey game while waiting on the titans game to start.  i have a full day tomorrow: therapy, haircut, meeting a friend for coffee, grocery store.  i'm so exhausted these days that i need one day a week that i don't have to leave the house.  when i have no plans on monday i have an easier time getting to church. i'm making it to my wednesday night class without fail but i'm struggling with getting to church sunday mornings.  i get home saturday night so stressed out and exhausted that i'm useless until about supper time sunday night (i'm a night-owl).  

january at the store has been abysmal.  it's wearing on me like it hasn't before.  i don't know if it's because, with the sale of the building, i know my days/months are numbered or what but it's killing me.  it's obvious that the neighborhood in which i'm located can no long support a bookstore.  it's obvious that the new owners of the buiding see no value in a bookstore being there.  

it's so hard to know this 100 year old building with so much history - that is so loved by the neighborhood - is going to be destroyed.  anyway, i'm angry about it.  i'm angry that the city is changing so much.  i'm angry that the neighborhood is changing so much.  i'm angry at the people who don't come in.  i'm angry at the people who do come in, compliment the store in such glowing terms then wish me luck and walk out without buying anything.  i'm angry at more than that but you get the drift.  

i'm angry and that makes me tired.  being angry is so taxing and destructive.  i don't want to spend the last few months that i get to live my dream being so angry.  i'm trying really hard (hence all my time in prayer) to enjoy the positive things: the genuine interactions, the in depth, nerdy book talks, the compliments, etc.  i want to appreciate those while i still have them.  i do know that when this is over that those are the things that will comfort me. that those are the things i will look back on in the days and years to come when i tell people about what it was like to own my own piece of heaven - a used bookstore.

grace and peace

    

my brain feels full

i'm tired, y'all.  very tired.  i took 4 days off at new year's but don't feel rested.  i opened the bookstore sunday to do inventory and year end paperwork.  i was hopeful that since dorms were opening that i would sell some books but that didn't happen.  i was so disappointed to see my 2019 sales and final numbers that i was near tears when i left.

i had a good therapy appointment monday morning and a decent day off.  i feel a little more settled after a productive day today but i don't know how much more of this i can take.  i stopped to pick up dinner on the way home because there is nothing here to eat that i don't have to cook.  while waiting i saw a news story about the peril that nashville retail is in.  listen, i don't need to see it on the news.  i'm living it.

the building sold, my lease is up in june, but i'm not even sure i can make it that long.  the stress is likely having some serious negative effects on me.  but how would i know?  how would i know?  

i'm sick at the thought of closing but i know it's my only option.  in my best moments i comfort myself by repeating a few things that i know for sure:  "it's nothing you did," "you've worked so hard!," "you did a hard thing," "most people never get to live their dream and you did!" in my worst moments it's dark.  it's miserable and it's not worth repeating.  i'm tired and i'm sad and i'm angry.  

i don't know how this ends.  anything can happen.  i try to just go day to day but i'm really not good at it.  i know that i will survive this.  i know that i've survived worse.  i still want to avoid it.  i want to keep my store and avoid the pain and stress of losing it.  i want to avoid job interviews and a boss and co-workers.  i want to avoid feeling like a failure and starting over... AGAIN.  i want to work hard and do a service and be rewarded for it.  i don't want to do any of this.

if you pray...pray for me.

grace and peace

  

reflection

as this year/decade comes to a close i realize that i haven't written on this blog in more than a year.  it's been a blur.  the life of a small business owner, i suppose.  december is so busy that christmas comes and goes without my noticing (except that i get a day off on the 25th).  so, i didn't even consider that a new year was upon us until i started seeing social media posts about the decade ending.

that's when it hit me - this decade has been a bitch and i'm glad to see it go.  but it has also been ten years of...growth...maybe.  it begin with me in a job i didn't love but that provided me a good living, i owned a home, had a couple of dogs and a cat.  it was okay.

the flood in may of 2010 changed everything - i lost everything.  every thing.  but the most important thing i lost was me.  the trauma changed me.  it damaged me.  i know now that it also set me free.  in the best way it taught me to have no attachment to things but in the worst way it taught me to have no attachment - period.  

may-oct 2010 we rebuilt the house.  oct. 2010-june 2012 i was nearly paralyzed with anxiety and rarely left the house.  in 2011 i lost an aunt to cancer.  i started working in june 2012 at a local used bookstore and while i still suffered from severe PTSD i was able to go to work.  in 2013 i lost my 3 remaining grandparents and a great-aunt in 7 months.  i stayed there until 2014 then went to work at a friend's jewelry store where i learned a lot about sales and business and customer service.  

in august 2015 daddy was diagnosed with stage 4 lunch cancer and he died in april of 2016.  it was, is and remains the hardest thing i will ever go through.  i'd often heard people talk about the "club" you join after losing a parent.  i've heard people say you don't really become an adult until you lose a parent.  i'm afraid it's true.  it's the most untethered to life i've ever felt in a life that has felt full of floating just out of range of most people around me.  

almost immediately i opened my first bookstore (daddy never got to see it open but he was there when we painted the walls). upon reflection it's obvious i wasn't capable then of the stamina or drive i needed.  it's also obvious that i opened in a neighborhood unprepared to sustain a used bookstore. i was incapable of taking care of myself at the time and stopped paying all my bills and called my mortgage company and told them to take my house.  i didn't want it anymore - it had tried to kill me and i wasn't staying there one more night and i wasn't paying one more dime.  i was lucky that my mother had inherited a house from her aunt that was sitting empty so i took the dog and 2 cats and moved.  i left behind about 3/4 of my meager belongings because i didn't want anything that had ever been inside that house. i eventually filed bankruptcy (on just one credit card a credit union line of credit) to avoid foreclosure.  they foreclosed anyway. 

the presidential election later that year sent me into months of depression and grief that i had not had time to process.  i went to work but i talked to no one.  i moved my store to a temporary location in april 2017 for 6 months at the end of my first year-long lease.  i worked at the bookstore 1-2 days a week, at the jewelry store a couple of days a week and for a jewelry designer 3 days a week. i moved my house in may 2017.  i went to bed each night exhausted, sometimes hungry and always in mourning.

in novemeber 2017 i opened full-time in my permanent bookstore location.  my lifelong dream realized!  it's been a difficult run.  the neighborhood, in fact the city, is changing so fast and all retail is having a hard time adjusting.  the retail book business is especially hart-hit. in april 2018 i moved houses again. in april 2019 i lost my perfect, sweet, hilarious pug winston and i wanted to stop.  i wanted to refuse to go on.  i wanted to shout to the heavens that i'm tired of losing.  that last one i did.  the others i can't do.  that lost was the only of the many losses that made me feel as hopeless and as helpless as the loss of daddy.    

just last month the building in which i rent for the bookstore was sold to the university across the street.  my days/months are numbered.  there isn't any affordable commercial rent in nashville in the areas i could make a go of it.  i'm faced with another loss that doesn't feel possible to survive.  

i do know that i will survive it because i've survived all the rest but i'm sure beaten down by them.  i don't always know what to do with myself over them.  i'm not sure why i've suffered so many.  i try to repeat to myself a line from M*A*S*H that is 100% true.  BJ, in despair over what he's missing with his wife and daughter while away in a war, lashes out at margaret and hawkeye because with them being unmarried they can't understand his pain.  margaret says, "maybe you do have the most to lose but that's only because you've got the most." 

maybe i've lost so much because i had the most.

this is a long haul; thanks for sticking with me.

grace and peace

happy anniversary to me

today marks one year that my bookstore has been open at its current location.  basically, today is my one-year anniversary because i couldn’t do this full-time until this last move so i consider november 18, 2017 my opening day.  it went by uncelebrated and that’s okay because i knew.  i didn’t want to plan anything or have an event since it’s a holiday week.  i felt sure it would be a slow day and that would just depress me and add to my anxiety and frustration.

i had a good day though.  i had gotten in several books as part of a donation that i knew a customer would want to look at.  i texted and she came by and made a sizeable purchase.  i love doing what i do.  i love knowing my customers wants and interests and contacting them when books surface that they will like.  i had that happen one other time this past week as well and it reinforced why i do what i do.

the used book business is really hard.  i’m in constant competition with big warehouse stores and thrift shops and goodwill but i offer so much more than that.  you can’t walk into one of those places and ask for recommendations or spend literally hours talking about literature or politics or family or music or film or God or anything else.  i do that all day.  i know my customers and i do what i do for them – not just for me.

i don’t know that i will see another anniversary in this business unless something changes.  lots of things are happening in the book world and lots of things are happening in nashville.  it’s a source of pride for me that the store sustains itself but i must pay myself as well and that’s proving to be much more difficult. 

if i’m able to hang on i hope on my 2^nd anniversary then i can have a party!

grace and peace and books

these are the days

yesterday was a good sales day at the store and that always feels encouraging.  unfortunately those days are often followed by days like today - 35 degrees and pouring down rain.  it's dead.  i've had only a handful of customers and fewer buyers.  

i find it hard to reconcile the 2 realities. i'm elated on the good days and downright miserable on the bad days.  normal?  maybe.  exhausting? absolutely.

i love what i do.  i love owning my own business.  i don't love the stress though.  i don't love the uncertainty.  i don't handle the ups and downs with much grace.   

it's a trial by fire and sometimes i feel singed while other times i feel burned.  mostly today i feel tired.

headed out of here in a few minutes to my couch and my pug and my cat.  

grace and peace

lost and found

for the last 2 days i've been looking everywhere for a notebook with a good deal of research in it for a writing project i've started but have had neglected for a long while.  i'm really trying to get back to writing on a regular basis which is why you're hearing from me now.  

i've been in a panic about losing months of research when it finally occurred to me this morning while opening the store that the one place i've not looked is in the backseat of my car.  i never have anyone back there and my car is a wasteland for stuff i just can't bear to drag into the house.  don't judge me:  i've moved the store and the house a total of 6 times in the last 2 1/2 years and there're always those last couple of boxes of random stuff that i don't use everyday that i run out of energy to deal with.

when i got home from the store i opened the bag in the floorboard behind the driver's seat and there was the lost notebook with a surge protector and baseball cap.  crisis averted!

and the day was a good one in other ways too.  an unreal list of my friends came to visit today:  ellie, jonathan (my wonderful brother), pattie, rebecca, greta and katie.  what a lovely surprise.  the sales day was good but not great.  my daily need was surpassed but i'm still stressed about the slow overall sales (though the week has been a good one).

to top the day off i talked to my bff in florida and my football and hockey teams both won.  if i were a different person i would feel great but i honestly feel anxious about tomorrow because it's not possible to have 2 days like this in a row.  isn't that terrible?  i should count my blessings and let tomorrow come but i have anxiety and that's hard for me.  i always dread the other shoe dropping.  it's, no doubt, worse now that i own a business because i'm so aware of how everyday has to go in order to keep the business afloat.  ugh.  i'm gonna turn this gadget off, say my prayers and read a bit.  i'll face tomorrow if i'm blessed enough to get it.

grace and peace 

but what do i say?

i told my friend daniel that i felt like writing tonight but i have no idea what i want/need to say.  his blog is always an inspiration to me but he succeeds where i spin.  his writing is focused and mine is a purging.  i sit in front of this empty screen and try to give voice to the anxiety in my brain and the way my body fights and/or gives in.  

tomorrow marks 10 months the bookstore has been open in the new location.  mostly things are great.  money is tight.  the book business has changed.  i'm looking for ways to make more money and stretch the dollars that come in.  luckily the store pays for itself - it's paying me that's the current problem.  as you can imagine, that fact is not an easy one for someone with, at times, debilitating anxiety.

my brother just called - he helps my anxiety though we had to talk politics.  he opened with, "i'm not gonna talk long, but..." because he knows i tend to rant and rave.  today and tomorrow are my days off so i hope to enjoy them and rest a little.

grace and peace

housekeeping

i don't know what to write about today but i feel compelled to write anyway.  i've not felt well this week so my anxiety has been high.  got a couple of days off now and am pleased with how the store is doing but it's hard to feel removed from the goings on there.  i try not to constantly check my phone for info on sales, etc. but mostly i lose that battle.  got my weekly paperwork done already this morning so there's that.

the house is a disaster area so i have to do a few things here before the health department shows up and shuts me down.  i mananged to do the thing i dreaded most first thing this morning:  the kitchen.  what i want to do is sit here under the pug and cat and read a book - that's not likely to happen but a girl can dream.

the dining room table is about to collapse under the weight of all the books stacked on it.  trying to find places for them but in order to do that I have to decide which books can leave the house and make their way to the store and that, my friends, is a sacrifice and a constant struggle.  

i don't watch a lot of tv but i do like a few shows and now that i get home after 8:00 most nights i miss the couple of things i like so i usually catch up on my off days.  vowed not to turn the tv on today until the house is in better shape.  listened to one podcast this a.m. and have to get up and put all the clothes away because they are stacked up on top of the record player that i need to access for today's entertainment.  

off i go.

grace and peace

i'm still here

well, i'm still here.  

it's been months since i've written.  the main reason for that is that i've been busy.  also, i took some months off from communication of any type unless it was absolutely necessary.  i've moved, i've moved the store, i'm preparing to move the store AGAIN!  

i've been feeling extra-anxious lately.  the new house (i'm renting a small house) has some moisture issues.  and now there's a hurricane and the resulting flooding in houston and all the thoughts, feelings and memories come rushing back (they are never gone) but seeing the pictures that i try very hard to avoid make it so much harder!

i'm very happy to report to that i'm moving the bookstore to a prime location (where the bookstore i used to manage was) and it should finally allow me to support myself living my dream.  there's some anxiety that goes along with that but i'm feeling positive about it overall.

can't explain how much i wish daddy were here to see all of this!  i miss him to my core.  the grief is terrible!

grace and peace

good riddance

tonight is the last night i will sleep in this house.  i’m moving to a house my great-aunt left to my mother in 2013.  it’s not where i want to live but it’s infinitely better than living here.  in hindsight i wish i had not rebuilt the blasted thing after the flood. 

because i’ve recently opened my own business and because daddy died in april and because my money has run out i’m done paying for this place.  since the flood i’ve spent more than 50% of my salary on my mortgage (before utilities) i can no longer afford it and i’m past ready to be out of here.

i’d like to think that some of my anxiety will lessen when i no longer have to come home to the place where my trauma happened.  i expect to always experience some anxiety, as PTSD never goes away completely, but i think being away from here can only help.

i’m faced with the possibility of bankruptcy and having to get a “real” job while somehow still keeping the bookstore open (with the help of my mother who works for me a day or 2 a week for free!) but i think i can avoid foreclosure by letting the bank sell the house through a short sale.  since the flood the house has lost so much of its value that i owe a good deal more than it’s worth so the possibility of me selling it is nil.

i’m outta here tomorrow with the pets and then my brother and i will move the big stuff (bed, dresser, dining room table) later this week.  the rest of the stuff:  all the other furniture, dishes, small appliances will go in the front yard for a yard sale when i can manage it.)  the large appliances—only 6 years old, like everything else I own—will live in my brother’s barn until i need them.

i hope i feel relief.  i can’t imagine what that must feel like.  i know i won’t feel any regret about leaving here!

i wish i weren’t having to do this without daddy!  he would know what to say to make it feel better (at least for minute.) 

grace and peace and goodbye!