lost and found

for the last 2 days i've been looking everywhere for a notebook with a good deal of research in it for a writing project i've started but have had neglected for a long while.  i'm really trying to get back to writing on a regular basis which is why you're hearing from me now.  

i've been in a panic about losing months of research when it finally occurred to me this morning while opening the store that the one place i've not looked is in the backseat of my car.  i never have anyone back there and my car is a wasteland for stuff i just can't bear to drag into the house.  don't judge me:  i've moved the store and the house a total of 6 times in the last 2 1/2 years and there're always those last couple of boxes of random stuff that i don't use everyday that i run out of energy to deal with.

when i got home from the store i opened the bag in the floorboard behind the driver's seat and there was the lost notebook with a surge protector and baseball cap.  crisis averted!

and the day was a good one in other ways too.  an unreal list of my friends came to visit today:  ellie, jonathan (my wonderful brother), pattie, rebecca, greta and katie.  what a lovely surprise.  the sales day was good but not great.  my daily need was surpassed but i'm still stressed about the slow overall sales (though the week has been a good one).

to top the day off i talked to my bff in florida and my football and hockey teams both won.  if i were a different person i would feel great but i honestly feel anxious about tomorrow because it's not possible to have 2 days like this in a row.  isn't that terrible?  i should count my blessings and let tomorrow come but i have anxiety and that's hard for me.  i always dread the other shoe dropping.  it's, no doubt, worse now that i own a business because i'm so aware of how everyday has to go in order to keep the business afloat.  ugh.  i'm gonna turn this gadget off, say my prayers and read a bit.  i'll face tomorrow if i'm blessed enough to get it.

grace and peace 

but what do i say?

i told my friend daniel that i felt like writing tonight but i have no idea what i want/need to say.  his blog is always an inspiration to me but he succeeds where i spin.  his writing is focused and mine is a purging.  i sit in front of this empty screen and try to give voice to the anxiety in my brain and the way my body fights and/or gives in.  

tomorrow marks 10 months the bookstore has been open in the new location.  mostly things are great.  money is tight.  the book business has changed.  i'm looking for ways to make more money and stretch the dollars that come in.  luckily the store pays for itself - it's paying me that's the current problem.  as you can imagine, that fact is not an easy one for someone with, at times, debilitating anxiety.

my brother just called - he helps my anxiety though we had to talk politics.  he opened with, "i'm not gonna talk long, but..." because he knows i tend to rant and rave.  today and tomorrow are my days off so i hope to enjoy them and rest a little.

grace and peace

overload

today is an emotional day for me all-around.

 

first:  it's Good Friday and as a Christian this is always an emotional day as i remember the sacrifice Jesus made for a sinner like me!

 

 

second:  it's the beginning of Passover when Jews (and Christians) remember God's deliverance from slavery;

 

third:  it's april 3, my best friend's mother's birthday.  i love her very much and rejoice that she is alive.  i am the first to say that i envy, very much, their relationship as i deal with the broken relationship with my own mother.

 

fourth:  as it's april 3, it's the anniversary of MLK's last speech on the night before he was brutally assassinated.  he's been a hero of mine for as long as i remember.  this speech makes me weep and rejoice at once.  "mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord!"

 

on this Good Friday we Christians continuously say, "sunday is coming!"

 

AMEN to that!

grace and peace and glory

832-1266

ME!

 

i'm exhausted.  i had a severe panic attack tonight when i learned that daddy decided to let go to of his landline.  he lives in the house he grew up in, the house he moved into at age 8 or 9 in 1956, my grandparents' house.  the only house in which i've ever truly felt safe,  the first phone number i learned, and dialed, is no more.  

 

he still lives there and that's more important but something about knowing that number will belong to someone else makes me feel awfully empty inside.  i have such an attachment to the house and that bloody number!  i was surprised when he told me because he is the sentimental type and i didn't think he would never give up that number.  i didn't panic on the phone with him but hung up and burst into tears.  i will call him tomorrow and talk more about it but tonight i'm just worn out.  

 

would this always be hard?  i'm sure, but with this much anxiety and the constant feeling of being an open wound it's sure hurting a bunch tonight.

 

grace and peace and nostalgia     



august 1, 2014

while i'm catching things up...there has been some good news.  in fact, GREAT news.  my best friend had a baby.  here is mr. handsome on his birthday!

 

 

i didn't get to meet him until last week when he and his mama were in town for a friend's wedding.  he was 9 weeks old the first time i held him.  i love him,  i'm so thrilled he is in this world!

 

here he is on his last night in nashville, just hanging out on my couch.  i love you aimee and beckett!!

 

 

grace and peace



the anxiety strikes back

this morning i had my first panic attack in several weeks so i'm both overly anxious and overly tired tonight.  i'm weary of living with PTSD and severe anxiety.  the fact that it can take over my brain in a split second and bring me to my knees is something that is hard to accept.  i was diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago (6 months post-flood) though i've probably been living with PTSD since i was 9 or 10 and just didn't know it.  it's some better but it continues to hang on tooth and nail.

 

i did all i know to do to make the panic attack pass and felt some better while walking the pug.  i had no choice but to go to work (no doubt that makes me feel better anyway) but it was a struggle.  once i have an attack i live in fear of a worse one following closely on its heels.  rarely does that happen but with anxiety the constant fear of a panic attack is often much worse than the short attacks themselves.

 

because i know that God is a gracious God i know that He guided my cousin and her kids to stop by for a visit.  she is one of my favorite people alive!  she never fails to make me laugh and feel better about the world in general.  not to mention, her kids are 2 of the most adorable people in the world!  the rest of the day was nerve-wracking and long but i made it.  i am grateful that i have a bookstore cat to love on days like today.  petting an animal is PROVEN to lower your blood pressure and make you live a longer and healthier life.  thank God for orson!

 

 

grace and peace

  

 

 

wasn't yesterday monday?

my day went like this:

 

left the house early because i had to get gas in the freezing temps and the 30 mph wind.  got to the gas station and attempted to pay at the pump 3 different times on 2 different pumps before i had to go inside (not easy for me AT ALL) to pay.  left with the station owing me .24 cents because i could NOT go back inside to get my change.  then off to the dunkin' donuts next door for hot coffee.  i ordered at the drive-thru only to be told when i got to the window that my order had NOT been taken.  i said, "so WHO did i just talk to?!"  finally got my coffee and off to the bank.

 

got inside with the $20 bill for my needed coins (a roll each of quarters, dimes and nickels and 3 ones.)  i told the cashier what i needed, and proceeded to have to argue with her over whether or not i needed pennies!  "i have plenty of pennies, thank you very much!  i can count!  can i have my change, please!?"

 

all this before i got to work.  work went well, as it always does, though the store is cold!  then off to the CVS for my allergy prescription and Q-tips.  not only did my prescription assistance program expire in december, making my allergy medicine $94 compared to $20, but they were out of Q-tips and i had to buy the generic brand witch i HATE.

 

okay, i got home and had a wonderful bowl of leftover chili, which i warmed while on the phone with my terrific aunt, who made said chili, and i also have a warm house and this outlet to vent my frustration.  

 

this blog is a lifesaver!

 

grace and peace.   

and the horse you rode in on

other than 2010 (AKA "the year of the flood") i have never been so ready to bid adieu to year in my life.  that year was full of tangible loss, you know them by now...say it with me...job, house, car, all my belongings but the worst losses were the unquantifiable:  the safe, secure place called "home," the "amy" i used to be, the ease of pre-flood life, the "normal" that was so easy to take for granted.

 

but 2013 has been a year of loss so unquantifiable and so hard that it's given 2010 a run for its money.  the first week of the year came with a surprising (at least for me) cancer diagnosis for my maternal grandfather.  by the second week of april, 6 days after my 39th birthday, he was gone. 

 

my great-aunt, only 9 years my mothers senior, died in may, followed in august by my maternal grandmother (rather unexpectedly.)  my paternal grandmother died just last month at age 96.  in 7 months time i lost 3 grandparents and a great-aunt to whom i was very close.

 

my grandparents (all 4 of them) were instrumental in my life.  almost all of my good memories of childhood took place in their homes.  i didn't have the sanest of childhood homes and my grandparents were saviors.  we relied on them for money, time, a safe place and some normalcy. 

 

i feel rather like an orphan with 2 living parents.

 

the last month of the year came with surgery for 2 of my 3 pets:  winston the pug and moxie the cat.  only kentucky the cat was spared.  they, all 3, are fine and healthy now though we still have to have stiches removed for winston and moxie.  also, i'm recovering from a nasty bout of the flu.  all in all i'd rather the year be in the rearview!

 

grace and peace and hope for a better 2014

1917-2013

mildred lehr crownover bradford

 

a week ago today i lost my grandmother:  the world is a little less sweet, a lot less funny and infinitely less righteous!  she was the strongest person i’ve ever known. she lost her mother at 4, moved around from family member to family member as her father worked to support his second wife and his 6 children.  she married and had 5 children of her own – 2 of whom she outlived. it’s not natural to outlive your children but she told me that she just figured that’s the way life was:  young people die before their time and we have to go on.  she outlived my grandfather, her henry, by 17 years.  she helped raise all 7 of her grandchildren and loved her 8 great-grandchildren beyond compare! 

she believed in God above all else and was comforted by His Word and His love to an extent that i will aspire to my entire life.  she could quote scripture as well as she could the children’s rhymes she learned as a child. even in her 96^th year she quoted rhymes and poems we had never heard her say.  it was amazing.  she was amazing!

i never visited that she didn’t make me laugh and ask me to “stay all night” with her though i had a home, at times, less than 5 miles away.  she loved peanuts and chocolate and peanuts covered in chocolate more than any food save potato chips.  she sang hymns while she cooked, did dishes, ironed the sheets, etc.  if she had never done anything to remember except the way she treated daddy it would be enough.  She never ate a meal that she didn’t say, “did buddy (joe) get enough to eat?,”  he was never out of her sight that she didn’t wonder, “where’s buddy?”  “is buddy here?”  “did buddy leave?”  he didn’t.  he was there for the last 15 years of her life.  he was with her as she took her last breath.  and he was by my side as i cried and cried and cried. 

i will miss her all my life.  she was the world to me. i praise God for her 96 faithful years. 

grace and peace  

 

the princess and the pea

a little more than three years ago when i moved back into this house after the flood i moved in a set of $25 mattresses that my mother bought at a yard sale.  i've slept on them nearly every night and EVERY night that i slept on them i was reminded that they weren't MINE.  they didn't feel like mine, they didn't sleep like mine, they weren't mine.

 

the first thing i wanted to do with a little money from my grandmother's estate was buy new mattresses.  i did.  my mother had to go shopping with me and daddy had to be here today as they were delivered but tonight i will sleep on MY OWN MATTRESSES!

 

nearly 3 1/2 years since the flood and things are still undone, in disrepair, unpainted, neglected and downright ignored but this one little thing is a BIG thing.  i spend so much time bemoaning the fact that everything i own is a replacement for something i lost and while that is true and disconcerting i hope i will not feel that way when i lie down tonight.  it's gonna get cold tonight and the dog and cats and i are gonna pile up in our new bed and start a new book. 

 

grace and peace

and so it goes

for those of us with PTSD there is a new (30 years old now) therapy called EMDR  (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing).  it is supposed to help the right and left sides of the brain process trauma as a whole. 

 

when trauma happens the left side of the brain - the logical, linear, problem-solving side of the brain shuts down and the right side of the brain stores all the trauma.  the right side of the brain is the sights, sounds, feelings, reactions, memories, etc.  it takes on all the trauma but stores it in a fractious manner.  there is no ability for the PTSD affected brain to convince itself that the trauma happened yesterday, last week, last year or at age 5.  the right brain tells us that the trauma is happening NOW. 

 

EMDR is supposed to help transfer the trauma to the logical and chronological left side of the brain and help my right brain and my memories, my heart, my fight-or-flight-or-freeze response to be put into perspective.

 

i am TERRIFIED of this therapy.  i have to relive each moment of the trauma (in this case the flood - though i have had many traumas in my life) and work on moving it around inside my damaged, tired, scared and scarred brain. 

 

i have documented the losses of the flood for 3 years now.  there have been many more non-flood related losses as well.  a quick list:  a dog, an aunt, a cat, a grandfather, a great-aunt, a grandmother (7 days ago) my other, 96 year old grandmother, is in the hospital with pneumonia. 

 

EMDR can't do what it's supposed to do if the participant (patient - ME) is in the middle of a new lose or recent grief.  today i feel like i will never be at a time and place when there WON'T be a new loss.  i'm so tired of loss and grief and pain and fear.  it's the classic double edged sword or catch-22, whichever you prefer.  

 

RIP Elizabeth Ray Jackson Lowe Willis, my grandmother, who had much more trauma in her 87 years than i in my 39.  i love you!

grace and peace

1926-2013

87 years. a long successful life, full of family, love, God and service. granddaddy lived well and loved much. i will miss him.

in loving memory of James Walter Willis. march 11, 1926-april 13, 2013

grace and peace

day 2

for obvious reasons i'm anxious.  my grandfather died yesterday morning.  i have to leave the house in about an hour to head to the visitation at the funeral home.  yes, it will be mainly family but some will be people that i haven't seen in years and years.  certainly not since the flood.  since my anxiety can now  be registered on the richter scale i find it frightening as hell to have to go stand in a room full of people and grieve.  i just want to be left alone to do it on my own. 

 

i've never been one of those people who are freaked out by dead bodies or won't go to the casket or anything like that but i find the whole thing...being laid out in front of people...covered in tammy faye baker makeup...dead...quite ridiculous and unnecessary.  i know some people need all that to accept that their loved ones are really gone but i know he's gone.  he's no more gone to me by standing over his body. 

 

i've always wanted to be cremated and i refuse to have any kind of funeral.  if people want to get together and remember me..fine..but don't you dare let them do it in a funeral home!!!!!  i always find it to be a hinderance to the grieving process and i can't wait for tomorrow to be over.

 

much needed grace and peace  

a watched pot never boils

what does one call the anticipation of a bad thing?  dread?  fear?  i don't know but that's where i am.  my grandfather has slipped into a coma today.  though i've been saying, "it's only a matter of time" for a week now, it's here. 

 

i don't feel like i want to be there when he draws his last breath but to be 50 miles away and waiting on a phone call is unbearable.  i'm not working tomorrow because i have wonderful co-workers who have my back and because i can't take one more day of trying to be "normal" while watching my cell phone in...anticipation.

 

i'm going to have to shop for clothes to wear because i'm not the same size as the the last time i had to dress up.  that's stress enough.  i'm a BIGGER size not a smaller size so that makes me anxious and the money makes me anxious and shopping for clothes to wear to my grandfather's funeral (which i'm not gonna want to wear again) is too much. 

 

on this very rainy day i was blessed with a slow work day and a lengthy visit with my favorite cousin and her family.  she always makes me feel better.  she doesn't know this but the last words our grandfather spoke were to her and they were..."i love you." 

 

i talked with my best friend on the way home - which always helps too - and was able to find the energy to cook dinner.  now i'm ready to finish the last 50 pages of my book and turn the lights off and watch "dr. who."

 

grace and peace



writer's block

i have never felt less like writing in my life than i do now.  i just can't think of anything to say.  i suppose some of it is that i have fallen back into the routine of work, errands, home, read, pets, sleep, do it all over again. 

 

my grandfather's cancer diagnosis has hit hard.  he's 86 and dying.  his death will be hard, not just his physical absence, but the repercussions for my grandmother and the rest of the family.  i'm still in the frame of mind that one more loss, one more heartbreak, will be able to push me over the edge of sanity and that i will be unable to come back. 

 

intellectually i know that it's unlikely but it sure feels real to me.  i struggle every day to survive and to take care of myself and the pets while holding down a job and trying to pay $10 here and $10 there to all my creditors.  not so much fun.

 

i'm still as tired and as frazzled as i can be. 

 

grace and peace

 

   

more of the same

dealing with serious anxiety the last few days.  about nothing in particular and everything in general. 

 

hoping for a relaxing trip to mississippi with daddy tomorrow to visit family.  i don't get to see my little brother and sister enough so i'm looking forward to it.  hoping that my anxiety will abate enough to let me enjoy the visit. 

 

this has been a week full of small, infuriating reminders of the flood:  letters from FEMA, phone calls from various flood-related organizations.  it's just never-ending.  i don't see how i will ever feel like the flood is over.  it continues to slap me in the face regularly.  i'm so tired!

 

off to bed with my book and, since it's raining, all 3 pets.  here's wishing for some sleep.

 

grace and peace

welcome to the world, evans!

i have a new nephew as of 8:24 this morning.  i won't be able to get out of town and see him (and family) until saturday.  i hate that i wasn't there.  i was at the hospital when all 4 of my other nieces and nephews were born.  a new job and other circumstances kept me in nashville today instead of a hospital in mississippi.  can't wait to hold him!

he's beautiful, don't ya think?

grace and peace and gratitude

highs and lows

had a good day today at work.  my brother stopped in for a surprise visit and, while i was busy, we still got to visit and laugh a little.  then i got the news that a dear friend's mother died suddenly today.  it was a great shock and my heart aches for her and her family.

a death always reminds me of the things i take for granted and the pain that comes with regret and unspoken truths.  to all my friends and family...i love you and i cherish you.  we aren't promised that this life will be easy and we aren't promised that it will be lengthy.  let's be grateful for every day and every blessing.

my friend's mother was a faithful Christian and without that i know that her enormous grief would be so much worse.  my love to you, s.s.

grace and peace! 

gainfully employed

yesterday was my first day of work in more than 2 years.  i got a full-time job in a local, independently-owned, bookstore.  other than the understandably low salary i am thrilled.  if all the bills get paid i'll be thrilled with the money too.  those of you who know me well know how important books are to me.  i love the thought of being surrounded by books and book people again.  the words and works of great writers are much more of a comfort to me than a big bank account. 

i had a full day of training yesterday and am waiting to hear when my regular schedule will start.  i think (and pray) that it will be sometime this week.  the sooner the better.  i spent a few hours with daddy today celebrating father's day.  that was nice.  other than that it's been a quiet day with my book and the scrabble app on my iPad.  

i am so grateful for all the prayers, words of encouragement, positive thoughts and job leads given by friends and family in the last 2 years.  not to mention the financial help which has kept me afloat in a very difficult time and a stagnant economy.  much love and thanks to y'all.

i sure hope that a routine and regular time out of this house will help a little with my anxiety and that working again may help with my very painful and exhausting insomnia. 

grace and peace

    

laughter is the best medicine

"dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which i guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."  deep thoughts by jack handey

i spent today at my brother's house with the family.  i laughed hard, more than once, at my hilarious niece and nephew.  those kids are too funny.  they are quirky and smart, sarcastic and lovely.  they love me no matter what; no matter how misanthropic and introverted i can be.  i laugh so rarely now that it's a shock to my system.  it feels unnatural even as it's happening.  what a shame!  i hope that one day laughter will be a normal part of my life again and not just an anomaly.  

we watched hours of french open tennis until we turned it to stanley cup hockey.  i learned of many things that i've missed out on because of my lack of TV:  a new 'batman,' a new 'men in black,' a new 'spiderman?'  i had no idea.  just another reminder of how disconnected i am from the world around me.  

my niece made it clear that she would not be spending any time with me over the summer.  her reasoning:  no TV, no meat (i'm a vegetarian) and no sweets.  not for her, she said; i'm boring and weird.  she can't imagine how hard these last 2 years have been and the toll that they've taken.  i hope she never knows.

in the house full of activity, talk, TV, laughing, singing, yelling and fighting i, at times, felt very nervous and overwhelmed.  i don't realize the level of quiet to which i have become accustomed.  i wouldn't trade these days with them for anything though.  when i have a job and am able to see them less i will ache for these days of their childhood spent basking in the light and ease of summer.

this one's for you mackenzie and ben.  i love you!

grace and peace