Monday, June 29, 2020

the night before

i'm heartbroken tonight.  tomorrow is the last day on the lease for the bookstore.  even though the store is closed already i still have a key to the place on my keyring.  i still have a few last minute things (2 pictures of wintson-the black dog) on the walls yet to get.  

tomorrow i load the last of my stuff and leave my key behind.  i'm looking forward to a few weeks of rest and recovery but i dread the emotions to come.  i cry at the drop of a hat these days and that's to be expected, i guess.


i dread the inevitable "you'll find something better" comments on my social media posts because i don't want to hear it.  why is it so damn hard for people just say, "i'm sorry.  this sucks!"?  there will never be anything "better" than owning my own bookstore.  I may indeed find a great, fulfilling job but it sure as hell won't be "better!"

i can't believe everything got done.  when i got there yesterday morning i didn't think there was any possible way.  4 loads yesterday and 3 loads today and it's all but in the books (no pun intended). 

it's almost 10:00 pm and i'm headed to bed -about 3 hours earlier than normal.  i just need a little rest to face tomorrow. 

grace and peace    



Saturday, June 27, 2020

a dreaded day

today is the day i've dreaded for days, weeks, months:  the day i had to move the contents of my office to a storage unit.  the bookstore is almost completely empty now.  i have 3 days left on the lease and i'll have to work part of all 3 of those days to get everything done in time.  i was blessed today with helpers (in fact, i had more than enough) but i still felt like i was alone.


the problem with not having a business partner, an investor, even a husband, is that i have to suffer these kinds of things - the big stuff - all alone.  no matter how many people show up on a day like today, i still have to face it all on my own.  i have to sit with all my decisions and all my sadness alone.  


(full disclosure:  my brother just called to check on me - he helped today.  full, full disclosure:  i prefer to be alone - i don't mourn that decision.)  


anyway, i'm beyond tired and sad.  i just want to pile up in bed with my pug and my book and not think for a while.  


grace and peace.