soapbox time

disclaimer:  this a political diatribe - feel free to not read, to disagree, to comment but know that it comes from a place of exhaustion and disgust at the tone of discourse these days.

 

on my way home from the grocery today i passed a tractor trailer with these words written into the dirt:  “vote God in and vote the devil out!” 

this made me so angry.  yes, i am a liberal democrat and an obama supporter but never, be it romney, mccain, or even bush would i call my political opponent’s agenda of the devil or imply that my candidate’s platform was of God.  if indeed that as the implication rather than calling the candidates themselves “God” and “devil.”

i am so tired of this argument:  this is a Christian nation!  and that the republican platform and their ridiculous family values agenda are more “Christian” than we democrats who are gay-loving, baby-killing, terrorist-appeasing, welfare-taking pinko commies. 

this nation was founded by a group of men who were the descendants of men and woman who came to this land so that they could worship who and how they chose to.  did most of the founding fathers believe in “God?”  YES.  But was it Christian God as we think of him?  NO.  was their belief in the divinity of Christ?  Mostly NO.  did they frame our laws based on Judeo-Christian principles?  YES.  But did they not make the First Amendment: “congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof...”  YES! 

our constitution doesn't mention God but it does say that the black man was 3/5 of a person.  abraham lincoln said, “the bible is not my book, nor Christianity my profession.”  see, he was a politician not a preacher.  we do not elect our representatives to impose or religious or moral beliefs on others.  we, as Christians, are to live out Christ on this earth.  ourselves. 

we all have to vote our conscience and i realize that there are many who don’t agree with me and will vote likewise.  i am a democrat and a Christian.  i believe the bible is the inspired word of God; that Jesus died for my sins and was resurrected and sits at the right hand of God.  i believe there is no way to the Father but through Him and we will all stand in judgment.  i just hope that i won’t have to answer for the disgusting vitriol that is spewed toward and from both sides of the aisle. 

when someone disagrees with me, i hope that i have the wherewithal to listen and disagree and go vote to cancel theirs out but that i will respect their opinion, their God, their church, or synagogue, or mosque, or temple, or cathedral and pray for them as my brother or sister and remember that we are all here to learn from one another and we WILL be judged on how we treat each other.

Teacher, what is the greatest commandment in the law?  Jesus replied, “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  this is the first and greatest commandment.  and the second is like it:  love your neighbor as yourself.  all the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments.”  Matthew 22:37-40  

grace and peace and harmony?   

the first day of #%*&+!

"just as the painter needs light in order to put the finishing touches to his picture, so i need an inner light, which i feel i never have enough of in the autumn."  leo tolstoy

 

yes, the weather is glorious here in nashville today.  yes, the air smells clean and crisp.  yes, i've spent most of the day out of doors.  yet i mourn to my core the end of summer.  fall brings with it some things i love, football, hockey (in a good year), the vibrant colors but for me it is the precursor to wet, rainy, dreary, sunless november.  the rainy season is almost on us here in middle tennessee and the ground will be soggy, muddy and cold from november-february.  it hurts.

 

this is always the time i vow to spend every sunny minute outside before the sun hides itself from me during the nashville winter.  i sometimes wish i could be the person who embraces fall as the beautiful season it is and yet i more closely align to the russian novelist quoted above.  a sad state of affairs, i suppose, but this quote is far more positive than the ernest hemingway i almost quoted.  that one is a killer!

 

i've been sick for a couple of days and that has added to my melancholy.  the house is still a shambles and though i have managed to run the dishwasher and wash a load of linens i've done precious little.  i read my lesson for church tomorrow and walked winston.  now i'm going to attempt to eat a bland dinner and find some mindless movie or TV episode to distract me.

 

thanks to some very generous friends, when my appetite returns, i have money for groceries.  though i certainly take for granted this season i've been given i do not take for granted the friends and family God has blessed me with.

 

grace and peace  

i hate vampires

tomorrow is the dreaded trip to the psychiatrist.  here's the worst part:

 

him:  "medicine working okay?"

me:   "yes." (thinking - i can't make anyone understand that NONE of this medicine helps me sleep!)

him"  "did you get your blood work?"

me:   "no."  (thinking - i haven't gone to get the blood tests you ordered and NO, i'm NOT going to get my blood drawn.  i'm here for PTSD and anxiety - don't add to my stress!)

him:   "amy, you have to do it.  it won't hurt."

me.    "LIAR!"  (thinking - i HATE you, you vampire!)

 

all that and it's supposed to rain all day tomorrow just like it has today.  my appointment is at 8:45 - will be finished by 9:00 and then i have an hour and a half until work - i won't waste the gas to come back home.  i have $2 cash, no food, no money in the bank, less than half a tank of gas, running low on dog and cat food, 3 more days of work this week and payday isn't until friday so there's no where to go. 

 

this morning i was going through my tin of "state quarters" trying to talk myself into parting with them.  i managed to find 6 doubles.  that's $1.50 of my $2.  if things don't pick up i will cash in the 50 quarters for $12.50 worth of pet food. 

 

anxiety level = high.

 

grace and peace

28 months and counting...

today:  could only leave the house to walk winston even though i desperately needed to go out to the bank.  i did manage to make one of the dreaded phone calls that i've needed to make for weeks re: my school loan.  couldn't get it deferred but i did get the payment reduced.  not that it really matters - i can't pay it.

 

i'm so tired of constantly feeling the effects of the flood.  not just once in a while - but ALL THE TIME.  it still rules my life.  the unfinished house, the unpaid bills, the stress, the anxiety, the feeling of being in danger 24 hours a day, the inability to do the little things, the constant and overwhelming FEAR. 

 

i remain exhausted and i continue to struggle with debilitating headaches (one of the reasons i couldn't go out today, i was afraid to drive with my head hurting this bad.)  i have to go out tomorrow for my therapy appointment and the promised trip to my brother's for the tennessee football game.  here's hoping i can make it. 

 

i keep being reassured that my only mistake in how i'm coping with the flood is the misperception that 2 years is enough time to recover from having everything ripped away in a matter of minutes.  it seems like a ridiculously LONG time but i'm assured that i lost a LIFETIME and that 2 years is only the beginning.  GREAT!

 

grace and peace

headache, day 3

yes, it is only 3:30.  yes, i've already eaten my late lunch/early dinner.  and yes, i may be headed to bed soon.  my headache is still here, my stomach is upset and i want this day to end. 

 

i had an anxious day yesterday in anticipation of today:  i had both my first DAR meeting this morning and a scripture reading (john 1:1-4:42) in front of my church congregation (also streaming live) at 1:00.  i made it through both of those without my anxiety bothering me but now i'm as exhausted as if i had chaired the meeting and written the scripture. 

 

it's so hard to do things that once would have been easy.  when they asked me to say a little bit about myself at the DAR meeting this morning i couldn't think of a thing to say.  i just feel as if i'm going through the motions of this life and that i have nothing left and that i am a shell of my former self.  i managed the requisite, "i was born in raised in nashville, my family has been in tennessee for at least 8 generations, i went to lipscomb, i work at rhino books" and then...nothing.  i don't feel like i have anything to say to "normal" (meaning non-flood victims) people anymore. 

 

i think maybe winston and i will pile up in bed and turn on a movie, it doesn't really matter what.  he's still feeling the aftereffects of his BATH yesterday--meaning he's as exhausted as i am.

 

grace and peace