Saturday, March 28, 2015

10 years and counting

10 years ago today i closed on this house.  i never thought i'd be here 10 years and i certainly never thought i'd be here 10 years with no way out.  almost 5 years after the flood the value is about half what it was beforehand.  it's still, though the saying hurts, "under water" about $25,000, meaning it's worth $25,000 less than i owe.
 
the bad part of it is that because of my anxiety i am relegated to spending nearly every waking minute here unless i'm at work.  my world has become so small as i cannot go but a handful of places.  i only have a couple of friends for which i am willing to venture out.  i can't go to the movies, i can't go to a restaurant, i can't go to church, i can't go anywhere and feel safe - though the worst part is that this is the place i feel the LEAST safe.
 
i wish i were a person who didn't remember anniversaries and wasn't so sentimental but that's not me.  i can't remember what i ate for lunch but i know every phone number i've ever had.  i can't remember how to get home a lot of days but i know every one of my ex-boyfriend's birthdays.
 
today was a busy day at work.  i'm tired and a bit congested.  i'm gonna pile up on the couch with winston the pug and try my best to look forward to tomorrow.
 
grace and peace
 
 
 
 
 
 


Wednesday, March 25, 2015

chip on my shoulder

can't get something i heard today out of my head.  this is likely to be a diatribe many of you won't want to hear but it's just something i have to work out.  what she said while speaking of her childhood/early adulthood:
 
"i didn't know people had bad lives."  
 
what i heard: 
 
"i have no idea what the real world is like and your experience is foreign and the exception to the rule."
 
i just can't believe it when i hear something like this!  really?  no idea that people hurt, that kids are neglected and hungry and abused?  no idea that not everyone has the same life you have?  no idea that not everyone is loved and adored?  wow.  that must be nice.
 
i realize, because of my experience, and probably because of my innate personality, that i am a pessimist.  i don't believe the world is basically good; i don't believe that people are basically good.  i believe THAT is the exception to the rule.  i believe we are born into a fallen, sinful world and being good is a choice and not everyone chooses it.  not everyone who has children wants them.  not everyone who has works hard gets blessed with a big, comfortable house in the suburbs.
 
some of us are born in to families with mental illness and neglect and poverty and anger and grief and fear and all those hard, bad things.  i try really hard not to let the way i grew up dictate the way i live and for the most part i think i do a pretty good job.  however, there is no denying the fact that what i experienced, not just in my house as a child, but the trauma of the flood, affect who i am.  i most likely will always be distrustful of people and be afraid of losing the few important things in my life. 
 
for whatever reason when i hear people say the things like i heard today it hits me all over again that we are all so different.  we absolutely do not have the same experiences, the same advantages, the same backgrounds, etc.  for all my troubled childhood it was so much better than a lot of people and so much worse than others.  i just wish we could all, for the love of pete, take into account that some, if not all, of us are damaged in some way.  each of us fights a battle, big or small.  let's all be kind to each other.  
 
remember, not everyone came from where you came from.
 
grace and peace and understanding        

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

832-1266


ME!
 
i'm exhausted.  i had a severe panic attack tonight when i learned that daddy decided to let go to of his landline.  he lives in the house he grew up in, the house he moved into at age 8 or 9 in 1956, my grandparents' house.  the only house in which i've ever truly felt safe,  the first phone number i learned, and dialed, is no more.  
 
he still lives there and that's more important but something about knowing that number will belong to someone else makes me feel awfully empty inside.  i have such an attachment to the house and that bloody number!  i was surprised when he told me because he is the sentimental type and i didn't think he would never give up that number.  i didn't panic on the phone with him but hung up and burst into tears.  i will call him tomorrow and talk more about it but tonight i'm just worn out.  
 
would this always be hard?  i'm sure, but with this much anxiety and the constant feeling of being an open wound it's sure hurting a bunch tonight.
 
grace and peace and nostalgia     


Wednesday, March 18, 2015

in like a lion...

haven't felt like writing much lately but here i am.
 
i've started working full-time so i'm adjusting to that while also trying to cope with the end of winter.  we've finally had some 70 degree days but winter has hung on much longer than i had hoped.
 
living with insomnia and PTSD is tiring enough without the gray skies and cold weather.  i'm looking forward to the days i can get to the track after work and breathe in the fresh air.  i'm so out of shape but i do look forward to the exercise, no matter how slow and laborious it may be.
 
i'm sure there was a time when things weren't so hard in my life but i honestly don't remember those days.  as i approach the 5 year mark (may 2) of the flood i can't help but think of all the days, weeks, months, years that i have all but lost.  if feels a lot like my childhood - lost years that aren't worth remembering.  ugh!
 
as a Christian i believe that hard times are a part of life and that we will all face them but there is a part of me that continues to cry out with the question, "how much?"  i would love to have something be easy for once.  for days not to just be survived but actually lived.  not sure i would know how to react to such ease.
 
grace and peace.