lost and found

for the last 2 days i've been looking everywhere for a notebook with a good deal of research in it for a writing project i've started but have had neglected for a long while.  i'm really trying to get back to writing on a regular basis which is why you're hearing from me now.  

i've been in a panic about losing months of research when it finally occurred to me this morning while opening the store that the one place i've not looked is in the backseat of my car.  i never have anyone back there and my car is a wasteland for stuff i just can't bear to drag into the house.  don't judge me:  i've moved the store and the house a total of 6 times in the last 2 1/2 years and there're always those last couple of boxes of random stuff that i don't use everyday that i run out of energy to deal with.

when i got home from the store i opened the bag in the floorboard behind the driver's seat and there was the lost notebook with a surge protector and baseball cap.  crisis averted!

and the day was a good one in other ways too.  an unreal list of my friends came to visit today:  ellie, jonathan (my wonderful brother), pattie, rebecca, greta and katie.  what a lovely surprise.  the sales day was good but not great.  my daily need was surpassed but i'm still stressed about the slow overall sales (though the week has been a good one).

to top the day off i talked to my bff in florida and my football and hockey teams both won.  if i were a different person i would feel great but i honestly feel anxious about tomorrow because it's not possible to have 2 days like this in a row.  isn't that terrible?  i should count my blessings and let tomorrow come but i have anxiety and that's hard for me.  i always dread the other shoe dropping.  it's, no doubt, worse now that i own a business because i'm so aware of how everyday has to go in order to keep the business afloat.  ugh.  i'm gonna turn this gadget off, say my prayers and read a bit.  i'll face tomorrow if i'm blessed enough to get it.

grace and peace 

empathy and sympathy

when i was a teenager my house was not a happy one.  i relied on friends for a lot.  one friend in particular who lived fairly close by.  her father was the chief of police in our small town.  i spent an awful lot of time in her house.  they fed me when there wasn't food in my house, they were kind to me when there was no kindness in my house, they treated me like i was one of them when there was no place for belonging in my house.

i mourn with my friend today.  her daddy died of cancer today. 

watching my own daddy go through all he's been through in the last 4 1/2 months with cancer makes it hit even closer to home.

thank you, dean, for everything.  RIP

four and counting

here's the only way i know to describe it:

 

4 years ago tonight i feel as if i was diagnosed with a terminal disease that won't kill me.  i feel like i've just been waiting to die.  not constantly fearing my death - i have a great faith and believe in Heaven and believe 100% that i will spend eternity there - it's a waiting.

 

as if my car tires lifted off the ground as i drove through the raging water and, 4 years later, they have yet to touch ground.  so much of me died that day:  who i was, who i thought i was, my belief in my future, my belief in myself, my sense of safety and security, my fearlessness, my self-assuredness, my ease. 

 

now i'm 4 years removed and it feels as if it's all happening RIGHT NOW!  they describe PTSD as the brain "shutting down" to protect itself therefore keeping itself in the HERE and not allowing it to process memories as the PAST.  so here i am.

 

i'm grateful that i have a have a job to go to - that part of the day passed without fanfare.  now i'm home and the tears won't stop, my heart won't stop pounding, i can't stop pacing, i can't eat, i didn't sleep at all last night.  i don't hold out much hope for tonight.  i wish i were a person who could just let anniversaries pass without dwelling on them but i'm not that person.  i feel them.  i REALLY feel them.

 

3 1/2 years of anxiety (the anxiety didn't start until i moved back into the house in october 2010) and i feel like i'm just waiting to die.  waiting.  to.  die. 

 

it's not a good feeling, it's not a normal feeling, it's just what i feel.  i am grateful for a good many things:  it didn't rain today, i have a good job that i love, i came home to my sweet pets, i have the weekend to process and (hopefully) relax.  i have friends who know EXACTLY what i'm going through because it happened to them too, i have a God who is bigger than my anxiety and i didn't die in the flood (some people did!)

 

grace and peace

 

  

margaritaville for the anxious

friday - i stood outside talking with a neighbor while walking winston before work.  it took no time at all before we began to talk about the flood and the long and difficult aftermath which we continue to live every day.  we talked about our desires to walk away from these houses and live in tiny one-bedroom apartments or caves or cars or anything but these houses that we hate.  i think it's impossible to ever feel better while having to live here.  i'm here.  i'm not going anywhere.  the house is worth so much less than i owe and SO much less than it was worth.  it's just my reality but it's a hard one to accept.

 

saturday - the day i have looked forward to and dreaded for several weeks.  lunch with friends.  at a restaurant!  without one of my 2 "safe people" kelly or kim.  the friends i was meeting today i have known for more than a decade and i love all 4 of them.  but it's me, out in public, vulnerable and afraid.  i couldn't sleep, i wanted to cancel, i took a long time to get ready, i forgot my cell phone!  

 

i spent the whole trip to the restaurant trying to remember my friends cell phone numbers in case i had to find a way to call (either from work close by or from the CVS which is my only pre-approved place within spittin' distance.)  my fear was that if i got there and couldn't go in i couldn't call to explain or call to have one of them come out and help me in.  my anxiety keeps me from being able to enter places alone or even enter them at all if circumstances seem dangerous. 

 

i parked and was able to sprint to the entrance as 2 of them walked in.  whew!  i made it.  i was a wreck and immediately drank a glass of water to help me breathe.  my friends understand!  by the time my other 2 friend arrived i was feeling a bit better.  by the time the food and our margaritas got to the table i calmed down.  i had a great time but the first second i sat down in the car i said aloud, "i'm glad that's over!  i had a good time but i'm SO glad it's over." 

 

it still amazes me that something so "easy" for others to do (and easy for me 4+ years ago) is SO HARD (sometimes literally impossible) for me now.  i got almost home before the panic attack set in.  it lasted a good long while.  now i feel rode hard and put up wet.  can't wait to lie down.  think i'll turn the computer off and put a funny movie on.

 

love to my friend who buried a young cousin today.  i can't imagine that pain.  i love you!

(just for clarification - my giving up restaurant food for lent was not meant to include all restaurant food.  it was my thought that i would not get eat outside food when i had the option of cooking or making meals myself but that i would allow myself to actually go out to eat with other people.  during lent i have eaten 3 meals that i didn't cook for myself:  today and one each with my "safe people" mentioned above.)

 

grace and peace

 

 

joy

posted 2 years ago on this date.  i feel the same today...

this week has been a constant reminder of the ups and downs we all encounter in these fragile, glorious lives we lead. 

monday 2/13 would have been my friend joy's 38th birthday.  she and i were inseparable through elementary school and jr. high.  we lost touch after high school but i never stopped thinking of her and never stopped loving her.  the news of her death hit me hard.  her birthday is always a hard day for me.  here's a picture of us in the summer of 1987.  we were 13.

i think this year it's been harder to think of her in light of whitney houston's death.  houston's concert was the first we attended together in 1986 or 87.  our friendship was full of music and concerts but whitney's was the first.

inertia

STUCK! 

 

that's how i feel today.  i feel it most days in some sense but today it's worse.  i can't seem to find the energy, the wherewithal, the motivation or the drive to do much of anything.  i don't want to clean, i don't want to cook, i don't want to read or write or practice my guitar.  i just want to sit and stare at the tv without being able to pay the least bit of attention to the football game i've been "watching" since 3 p.m.  it's now halftime and i can't recall having seen one actual play. 

 

i had big plans for the yesterday:  take car in for oil change, run by and see the changes to my grandparents place, visit with a friend, buy a baby gift, shop for some clothes, buy books for the store.  those things i managed with the help of my dear friend, kelly.

 

today the plans were:  church, shop for mattresses, buy my bike, ride my bike, do laundry, return a few things i bought at goodwill yesterday, cook, clean, etc.  okay, that's WAY to much for me to do in one weekend but today so far i've finished a very short book and made myself a smoothie.  that's it.  oh, i picked out 1 or 2 songs on the guitar...

 

inertia.  when days like this come i become overly anxious that my post-flood like will never be free of days when i just CAN'T. DO. ANYTHING!  granted, because i've always been an insomniac, i had days like this pre-flood BUT now they come filled with the memory of the exhaustion, the panic, the fear, the numbness and the pain of those post-flood "down days".  the ones where all i could do was sit and stare at the wall completely disconnected from the world and living in a constant state of post-trauma shock. 

 

those of us living with PTSD usually have a handful, or more, of triggers that set off panic attacks or heightened anxiety.  i have several and one of them is being overly tired.  that's where i am today and i'm wishing that i were off for columbus day tomorrow.

 

grace and peace  

two peas in a pod

i spent a long time today talking to a wonderful lady about books and trauma and survival.  she lost everything in katrina in new orleans.  she talked, listened and understood.  it's invaluable to meet people who know what a loss like that means. 

 

for all my anxiety and panic, stress and fear i am grateful for days like today when all the pain and anger feel like they serve a purpose.  to have her come into the store and find what she was looking for and provide what i was looking for (a bit of peace) i feel humbled.

 

i also feel tired.  tired to the bone.  like i've had a marathon therapy session and now all i want to do is lie on the couch in the dark with the dog and listen to the rain.  i can't concentrate enough to enjoy the new episodes of TV (on the lone CBS station) and even though i am super excited about the new stephen king novel i have no hope of comprehending so i'll save it for tomorrow. 

grace and peace

 



a watched pot never boils

what does one call the anticipation of a bad thing?  dread?  fear?  i don't know but that's where i am.  my grandfather has slipped into a coma today.  though i've been saying, "it's only a matter of time" for a week now, it's here. 

 

i don't feel like i want to be there when he draws his last breath but to be 50 miles away and waiting on a phone call is unbearable.  i'm not working tomorrow because i have wonderful co-workers who have my back and because i can't take one more day of trying to be "normal" while watching my cell phone in...anticipation.

 

i'm going to have to shop for clothes to wear because i'm not the same size as the the last time i had to dress up.  that's stress enough.  i'm a BIGGER size not a smaller size so that makes me anxious and the money makes me anxious and shopping for clothes to wear to my grandfather's funeral (which i'm not gonna want to wear again) is too much. 

 

on this very rainy day i was blessed with a slow work day and a lengthy visit with my favorite cousin and her family.  she always makes me feel better.  she doesn't know this but the last words our grandfather spoke were to her and they were..."i love you." 

 

i talked with my best friend on the way home - which always helps too - and was able to find the energy to cook dinner.  now i'm ready to finish the last 50 pages of my book and turn the lights off and watch "dr. who."

 

grace and peace



the first day of #%*&+!

"just as the painter needs light in order to put the finishing touches to his picture, so i need an inner light, which i feel i never have enough of in the autumn."  leo tolstoy

 

yes, the weather is glorious here in nashville today.  yes, the air smells clean and crisp.  yes, i've spent most of the day out of doors.  yet i mourn to my core the end of summer.  fall brings with it some things i love, football, hockey (in a good year), the vibrant colors but for me it is the precursor to wet, rainy, dreary, sunless november.  the rainy season is almost on us here in middle tennessee and the ground will be soggy, muddy and cold from november-february.  it hurts.

 

this is always the time i vow to spend every sunny minute outside before the sun hides itself from me during the nashville winter.  i sometimes wish i could be the person who embraces fall as the beautiful season it is and yet i more closely align to the russian novelist quoted above.  a sad state of affairs, i suppose, but this quote is far more positive than the ernest hemingway i almost quoted.  that one is a killer!

 

i've been sick for a couple of days and that has added to my melancholy.  the house is still a shambles and though i have managed to run the dishwasher and wash a load of linens i've done precious little.  i read my lesson for church tomorrow and walked winston.  now i'm going to attempt to eat a bland dinner and find some mindless movie or TV episode to distract me.

 

thanks to some very generous friends, when my appetite returns, i have money for groceries.  though i certainly take for granted this season i've been given i do not take for granted the friends and family God has blessed me with.

 

grace and peace  

highs and lows

had a good day today at work.  my brother stopped in for a surprise visit and, while i was busy, we still got to visit and laugh a little.  then i got the news that a dear friend's mother died suddenly today.  it was a great shock and my heart aches for her and her family.

a death always reminds me of the things i take for granted and the pain that comes with regret and unspoken truths.  to all my friends and family...i love you and i cherish you.  we aren't promised that this life will be easy and we aren't promised that it will be lengthy.  let's be grateful for every day and every blessing.

my friend's mother was a faithful Christian and without that i know that her enormous grief would be so much worse.  my love to you, s.s.

grace and peace! 

thanks be to God

so many days i use this forum to share my anxieties, fears and complaints but today i want to give thanks to a great and generous God.  not knowing what to do about the fast-approaching payment dates of most of my bills, last night i reached out to three Godly, loving and caring women at my church with my needs and my prayer requests.  this morning i heard from all 3 of them and have a paid mortgage and car payment.  

these women don't know that when our preacher asked us yesterday morning to give thanks for our "mothers in the faith" that i prayed for all 3 of them by name.  see, this is not the first time they have come to my rescue since the flood.  

even after all this time it's still humbling and sometimes very hard to ask for help.  i have certainly done it enough and will no doubt continue to ask for assistance until employment comes my way.  the most humbling things remain the help that comes without my asking:

the cash i got today in a card from my best friend,

the overly generous birthday gift from a friend,

the dozen or more meals another friend has bought with no thought to when i will be able to pick up the check,

the groceries bought by my mother,

the money from daddy to refill my long-overdue prescriptions,

the monthly check from my best friend's parents,

the therapist who sees me for free,

the hugs,

the willingness to listen,

the 'i'm sorry',

the late night phone calls from my brother,

God's never-ending grace and provision.

i keep repeating a scripture over and over when i begin to worry about what i will eat, drink or wear...

"therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  each day has enough trouble of its own."  matthew 6:34

grace and peace and thanks

         

soundtracking spring

3.5 mile walk today with only 2 anxiety-inducing occurrences:  i was being stalked by a fedex truck and i had to overhear a metro health department worker tell someone at the entrance to the park that he was there doing soil sampling post-flood (almost 23 months after the flood) to measure the level of "contamination."  WHAT contamination?  what was in that river water when it was rushing through my house for 5 days?!  i tried really hard to ignore those things and concentrate on my music.

here's my soundtrack for today:

1.  "mickey" - toni basil (as in..."oh mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey mickey (clap-clap, clap-clap) hey mickey (clap-clap, clap-clap)

2.  "angel" - jimi hendrix

3.  "simple man" - lynyrd skynyrd

4.  "pride (in the name of love)" - U2 (the live "rattle and hum" version)

5.  "i want you" - bob dylan

6.  "tupelo honey" - van "the man" morrison

7.  "now i'm here" - queen

8.  "wild horses" - the rolling stones

9.  "over the hills and far away" - led zeppelin

10. "voodoo child" - jimi hendrix

11. "mexicali blues" - the grateful dead

12. "the denial twist" - the white stripes

13. "take me with you" - prince and the revolution

14. "effect and cause" - the white stripes

not bad.  now i have 5 hours in which to prepare my fragile psyche for a dinner out with a friend. 

grace and peace 



overwhelmed and under pressure

i'm spending this rainy monday recovering from a busy weekend and trying to reassure the pets that i'm in for the day.  they are a little put out with me. 

i had a friend in from out of town on friday night so thursday and friday were spent in the ongoing tug-o'-war that is keeping this house clean and making it not feel like the flood-ravaged, neglected dwelling that it has become.  it was a nice visit (and i'm enjoying the benefit of a cleaner than normal house as a result) but it reminded me something that i've long suspected...that i've lost my ability to easily interact with people.  i think i was okay once she got here but i spent an inordinate amount of time beforehand worried about what to do, how to act, where to sit, how to talk to someone other than myself about anything but me and the flood, etc.

almost immediately after she left i got a dinner invitation from my brother, his son and our nephew at a restaurant that has thousands of square feet of video games, playgrounds, bowling alleys, etc.  (55,000 sq. feet--i just looked it up!)  i reluctantly agreed because i love my brother and nephews that much but dreaded it with dangerous passion.  i arrived on time (stop the presses!) and immediately became convinced that i COULD NOT enter the place.  i stood out front for 5 minutes before i called and texted my brother trying to discern if they were already there.  no response!  my anxiety doesn't allow me to enter places (especially unfamiliar places) alone.  i had just decided that i was going to have to go back and sit in my car when i saw them pull in.  RELIEF!  

hugs all around; i'm sure they could feel my overtaxed heart beating in my chest.  i was SCARED TO DEATH to go in.  we quickly got to a table and, as my brother and i both mentioned, the saving grace was that the tables are far enough apart that it felt safe even in the midst of all the chaos.  (no one sitting too close, no one overhearing our conversation.)  my nephews wouldn't even stay at the table long enough to order supper.  they just came around every half an hour or so to get swings of their cokes!  they live in different states and were spending spring break together so it was a special, special occasion!  my brother and i had a great visit (we laughed a lot!) i was exhausted when i got home and quickly retired to bed with my book and promptly forgot all about daylight savings time. 

yesterday was spent with a dear friend for a much needed girls' day out.  we ate and shopped and talked and laughed.  she's my rock!  i got a little anxious a few times but she is always understanding and supportive and let's me have my crazy moments.  sleep was hard-fought and hard-won last night so today i am recovering with just slow, short walks with winston in between periods of rain and a lot of housekeeping chores by way of bill-paying, resume-sending, job-hunting, etc.

i did get a call today for a job interview on thursday which will necessitate a trip to some kind of clothing store for an interview outfit as all my "work clothes" were either lost in the flood or i have, let's call it, "outgrown" them.  even though i'm walking 3 miles a day at least 5 days a week i'm seeing no weight loss success just yet. 

i have so much going on that i can't even figure out which life-changing event to focus on at any given time...graduate school admission, job hunting, finishing this house, therapy, losing 30 pounds (at least!) paying the IRS (with what money?) and living with PTSD and severe anxiety to boot!!  i would like it all RESOLVED and by someone else!!!!!!!  i'm tired.

the sun DID just come out for the first time today so that's something, right?

grace and peace       

good days and bad days

this week has been a constant reminder of the ups and downs we all encounter in these fragile, glorious lives we lead. 

monday 2/13 would have been my friend joy's 38th birthday.  she and i were inseparable through elementary school and jr. high.  we lost touch after high school but i never stopped thinking of her and never stopped loving her.  the news of her death hit me hard.  her birthday is always a hard day for me.  here's a picture of us in the summer of 1987.  we were 13.

i think this year it's been harder to think of her in light of whitney houston's death.  houston's concert was the first we attended together in 1986 or 87.  our friendship was full of music and concerts but whitney's was the first. 

tuesday 2/14 valentine's day doesn't affect me much one way or the other (in or out of a relationship) while there are times that i would like to be part of a couple (certainly i think having a husband or boyfriend during and after the flood would have helped in some ways) i am generally a content single person.  

my little brother had his post-op doctor's visit on tuesday as well and had the many staples in his back removed.  bless his heart.  i'm glad that step is over! 

wednesday 2/15 my nephew, ben, turned 7!  hard to believe how fast the years pass.  i attempted all day to find the energy to drive the 35 miles to my brother's to see him but i kept chickening out.  i still don't feel well and spent most of the day in a constant struggle to sleep off my week-old headache.  i felt a little reluctant, i suppose, because i couldn't afford to buy him a gift.  that, and of course, that leaving the house for any reason is always fraught with anxiety and dread.

thursday 2/16 i have to go see ben today because he will go back to his mom's tomorrow until after the weekend.  have been saying to myself all morning, "you can do it!"  i still don't feel like i can do it.  still no gift to give him (not that he cares and not that he needs anything!) and still no motivation to go anywhere.  i'll do it because i promised him on saturday that i would see him today.  my anxiety level is HIGH!

my little sister's best friend is having her baby today so that's good news!  prayers to her and her family.

friday 2/17...remains to be seen.

grace and peace









when good knees go bad

when i was 16 i was diagnosed with an hereditary bone disease in my knees.  a lot of us bradfords have it.  i hasn't bothered me too much in recent years and it was always worse in my right knee which became known as my "bad knee" and therefore by default my left knee has always been my "good knee."

until recently that is.  lately the good knee has begun to hyperextend often.  the "bone disease" is basically a form of tendinitis and causes the tendon to "stick" or "give way" and causes severe pain.  yesterday while on the elliptical machine my left knee hyperextended.  i was able to stay on the full 30 minutes and get by with little pain but it happened again today while walking winston and so now i am laid up on the couch with ice on my knee in what passes for my post-flood ice pack (a ziploc bag full of ice wrapped in a paper towel) with my civil war book and my pug on one side and cat on the other.  this is it for us tonight.

i managed to write just a little today.  about a page.  yesterday all i managed was one measly paragraph.  sometimes my goal of 2 pages a day comes easily and sometimes it's impossible.  these last 10-12 pages, which have taken me at least 2 months to write, have been torture. 

my anxiety has been a little better today but i'm getting uneasy as darkness approaches.  it feels oppressive today.  my best friend's play opens tonight and i wish that i could be in D.C. cheering her on. 

grace and peace

a surprise in every sack

a hard day but a good day.  getting to therapy was hard, meeting my friends for coffee was hard but i got through them both.  i don't know which was better counselling...

my friends (a married couple) are flood victims too.  our stories are quite different yet so much the same that we are able to commiserate and offer small and clumsy comforts to each other.  today they gave me a wonderful gift:  they spent a lot of time shopping and hundreds of dollars on groceries and staples for me.

pre-flood i would have been embarrassed, perhaps mortified, to accept this kind of help, let alone share it with any and everyone reading this, but times change and i have changed.  last may, after losing everything, i stood in a church gym down the street with an empty box and a broken heart and realized that i didn't own a toothbrush, a fork, toilet paper, sheets, food.  i had nothing.  i was grateful to accept those things that others had so generously and lovingly given.  it changed me in a way i can't put into words.

my kitchen cabinet this morning with a box of cereal, peanut butter and crackers and one box of organic macaroni and cheese...

i know now that i will be thankful for aluminum foil and toothpaste and light bulbs in ways that i never could have before.  i take nothing for granted because i know what it feels like to be without.  my friends loaded me up with all kinds of great things and i was thrilled as i opened each sack to see all that they had done for me (almost like a kid on Christmas morning, if you will allow me the use of that phrase since you know my feelings about Christmas!)  they got me treats too, things i don't buy for myself:  nutella, diet coke, pepperidge farm cookies (yum!)

the same cabinet now...

see the nutella?!!!!  i am blessed.

grace and peace       

saturday night's alright for fighting

2 days of family functions, errands, therapy and driving have left me exhausted and, you guessed it, anxious!  i made the rounds to both grandparents' homes this weekend so that i can justify not attending Christmas festivities.  i also got a haircut, got my oil changed and visited with friends today.

it is still utterly shocking to me that my anxiety affects every single thought and action in my life.  today i got to the gas station and stood in the cold for several minutes before i could make any sense whatsoever of the process for pumping gas.  it has been less than a week since i got gas and i literally had no idea what to do!!  perhaps the fear that i took tonight's medicine this morning instead of my morning meds was a factor. 

several months ago i had to buy an old person pill holder with sunday-saturday a.m./p.m. slots in order to keep up with my many medications but today i'm almost 100% sure that i took the wrong ones.  i drove the 50 miles to my hairdresser (my mother's best friend who had been cutting my hair since i was 10 years old or i would never make the trip!) with the overwhelming fear that the interstate lanes were narrowing and that the sky itself was closing in.  i also followed a car for 10-12 miles with expired tags and had to fight the strong compulsion to ram them--if not just to warn them to actually illicit police involvement...

i got through the day and started home when i remembered to stop for gas (it's 10 to 15 cents cheaper there than at home) so i pulled into the station on 2 wheels and promptly forgot how to buy gas.  it was awful.  being away from the house is always stressful and i've been out for nearly the last 48 hours.  tonight i will lie on the couch and watch a movie.

no sign of my cat, maeve.  i rescued a kitty from the shelter in hopkinsville.  i named her kentucky.  here's an older pic of her when she first got to the shelter.

i will add an updated picture soon.  she is a blue point siamese and she is totally adorable.  she's a year old and very playful and loving.  no trouble getting her acclimated.  winston seems to like her (he likes everyone just so long as he's not alone!)  we are all getting along swimmingly just hoping against hope that maeve returns!

grace and peace

  

reality check

i got home tonight after spending the day with a friend and STILL NO CAT!!!!  somehow i felt sure that if i finally broke down and stopped watching to door for her little face to appear she would show up...the "watched pot never boils" philosophy...no luck.  i reluctantly left winston to hold down the fort while i visited with my oldest and dearest friend.  we had a good day but my mind was never far from worry over what may have happened to the cat.  i miss her terribly.  little, spoiled, self-involved winston has noticed that she's gone and is diligently looking for her.  it's disconcerting and heartbreaking.

however, i do seem to have avoided the dreaded lockjaw.  the cut has finally begun to heal and i am resigned to putting sheets back on the bed any day now (i have been sleeping on the couch since maeve went missing just in case she starts her siamese crying in the wee hours...) 

i am in mourning over the loss of actor harry morgan, 96, who played my beloved colonel sherman t. potter on M*A*S*H for 8 of its 11 seasons. 

with my anxiety on high-alert i have begun to count the recent losses and to add these to the previous ones for what can only be quantified with equations, algorithms and numbers too complex for my addled, tired and grief-stricken mind to comprehend.  i am beyond overwhelmed.

i may actually be at the point where i can no longer pay my mortgage.  i don't know if it will be this month or next but the day is coming if i can't find a job soon.  somehow i have very little interest in or fear of this fact.  it's just too surreal for my aforementioned otherwise-occupied mind to handle. 

keep my in your prayers as i keep you in mine.

grace and peace 





a walking bullseye

the level to which anxiety has invaded my life still boggles my mind.  this week i've been struggling with a near constant feeling of vulnerability.  i made myself go to dinner with a friend last night but told her that i was sure her van would get flattened by a meteor before night's end.  i feel exposed, as if i'm walking around naked while trying not to draw attention to myself. 

nothing feels safe.  today i've even been unable to watch television.  this week i have encountered 3 episodes of 3 different shows that have left me terribly anxious:  one having to do with a house fire, the 2 others dealing with PTSD and showing brief but realistic panic attacks.  i watched all 3 shows but shoudln't have.  now i'm reluctant to do even that.  i've read a lot and listened to a lot of music today. 

my brother just called and told me to watch the thanksgiving episode of WKRP where they are dropping live turkeys from a helicopter.  HA!  i will watch that tonight!  i'm going to his house tomorrow for a day of football (we celebrate thanksgiving on the day after with the family.)  i wish that i had my copy of "home for the holidays" but i lost it in the flood.  it is my absolute favorite thanksgiving/disfunctional family movie!  it's gone.

i am thankful for many things.  i wish that i were as adept at listing those things as i am at listing the lost things, the scary things, the different things and the new things.

     

for want of a rainbow

family drama, money woes, panic attacks, a death in the family, muscle aches, holiday stress, low-grade fever AND i'm out of bananas!!  i'm so overwhelmed i can't imagine ever feeling any different.  i certainly can't imagine ever feeling better. 

i am a loner by nature (and nurture too, i suppose) but there are days like today when i wish i had a husband.  or at least someone who could fight some of these fights, fill out some of this paperwork, do some of the decision making and planning on my behalf.  i'm so tired of having to do it all.  i'm not sure i'll ever find the motivation to get the house finished and i don't care anymore.

my exhaustion and apathy are bone-deep.  i have nothing left to give.  maybe one day the fear and pain i feel will lessen but i know that some of the changes in me are permanent.  the old me and the new me are in an epic battle for my peace of mind (sanity, if you will) and i'm not in tune with either of them enough to know who to root for.  

it's warm here, but rainy.  the animals and i have hunkered down.  i still maintain that winter hibernation is the way to go.  i don't remember the last time i saw the sun.   should i be listening to neil young?  i don't know...the good part of my day was a much-needed phone call from my best friend.  i think i may have even laughed once.  i love you even though you hate neil young!

grace and peace