a dreaded day

today is the day i've dreaded for days, weeks, months:  the day i had to move the contents of my office to a storage unit.  the bookstore is almost completely empty now.  i have 3 days left on the lease and i'll have to work part of all 3 of those days to get everything done in time.  i was blessed today with helpers (in fact, i had more than enough) but i still felt like i was alone.

the problem with not having a business partner, an investor, even a husband, is that i have to suffer these kinds of things - the big stuff - all alone.  no matter how many people show up on a day like today, i still have to face it all on my own.  i have to sit with all my decisions and all my sadness alone.  

(full disclosure:  my brother just called to check on me - he helped today.  full, full disclosure:  i prefer to be alone - i don't mourn that decision.)  

anyway, i'm beyond tired and sad.  i just want to pile up in bed with my pug and my book and not think for a while.  

grace and peace. 

the first day of #%*&+!

"just as the painter needs light in order to put the finishing touches to his picture, so i need an inner light, which i feel i never have enough of in the autumn."  leo tolstoy

 

yes, the weather is glorious here in nashville today.  yes, the air smells clean and crisp.  yes, i've spent most of the day out of doors.  yet i mourn to my core the end of summer.  fall brings with it some things i love, football, hockey (in a good year), the vibrant colors but for me it is the precursor to wet, rainy, dreary, sunless november.  the rainy season is almost on us here in middle tennessee and the ground will be soggy, muddy and cold from november-february.  it hurts.

 

this is always the time i vow to spend every sunny minute outside before the sun hides itself from me during the nashville winter.  i sometimes wish i could be the person who embraces fall as the beautiful season it is and yet i more closely align to the russian novelist quoted above.  a sad state of affairs, i suppose, but this quote is far more positive than the ernest hemingway i almost quoted.  that one is a killer!

 

i've been sick for a couple of days and that has added to my melancholy.  the house is still a shambles and though i have managed to run the dishwasher and wash a load of linens i've done precious little.  i read my lesson for church tomorrow and walked winston.  now i'm going to attempt to eat a bland dinner and find some mindless movie or TV episode to distract me.

 

thanks to some very generous friends, when my appetite returns, i have money for groceries.  though i certainly take for granted this season i've been given i do not take for granted the friends and family God has blessed me with.

 

grace and peace  

cornbread and cat toys

long day at work today.  didn't sit down all day!  it's still hard to get used to.  i'm so thankful for this job.  it's just perfect for me right now.  it's the only job i've ever had that didn't feel like a waste of a good day!  :)  if only the money allowed me to have some breathing room...

tonight i let my aunt feed me dinner (pinto beans and cornbread) and let my dad give me $20 gas money, a jar of peanut butter and a box of crackers to tide me over until payday on friday. 

i'm still struggling daily with my anxiety but it does seem to abate some while i'm at work because i'm busy all day.  today, though, i was worried about my pug because he ate a cat toy over the weekend and it was causing some problems.  i believe we're out of the woods on that score - he's back to himself tonight. 

i think i will turn off all the gadgets and take my book to bed.  i feel a little overwhelmed and exhausted and do not need to spend any time catching up on "news" like i do some nights about this time.  i'll just take the easy way out and watch "the daily show" in the morning.  

grace and peace 

  

gainfully employed

yesterday was my first day of work in more than 2 years.  i got a full-time job in a local, independently-owned, bookstore.  other than the understandably low salary i am thrilled.  if all the bills get paid i'll be thrilled with the money too.  those of you who know me well know how important books are to me.  i love the thought of being surrounded by books and book people again.  the words and works of great writers are much more of a comfort to me than a big bank account. 

i had a full day of training yesterday and am waiting to hear when my regular schedule will start.  i think (and pray) that it will be sometime this week.  the sooner the better.  i spent a few hours with daddy today celebrating father's day.  that was nice.  other than that it's been a quiet day with my book and the scrabble app on my iPad.  

i am so grateful for all the prayers, words of encouragement, positive thoughts and job leads given by friends and family in the last 2 years.  not to mention the financial help which has kept me afloat in a very difficult time and a stagnant economy.  much love and thanks to y'all.

i sure hope that a routine and regular time out of this house will help a little with my anxiety and that working again may help with my very painful and exhausting insomnia. 

grace and peace

    

memorials

i spent the day with the family - the visit that almost didn't happen.  the headache that i woke up with on friday hung on for days...and days.  finally able to get out today but i came home tired and jumpy.  i once again discovered, almost too late, that i have a dreaded doctor's appointment tomorrow...the nurse practitioner that prescribes my medications.  it takes no more than 15 minutes and involves no more than a dozen questions...the same questions that have been asked of me for the last year and that i have never failed to answer in the same uninspired, anxious tone.

Q:  "how are you feeling right now?" 

A:  "anxious."

Q:  "how is your sleep?" 

A:  "not good."

Q:  "how's the job search?" 

A:  "worse."

Q:  "how's the appetite?" 

A:  "elevated, i'm starving right now!  look at me i'm a house!"

Q:  "these medications all cause weight gain." 

A:  "no kidding!"

i've been resisting picking up the phone and leaving a message that i need to reschedule.  i see them for free so it's not like they would be losing any money if i don't show up but i keep telling myself to go and get it over with because i won't want to do it in a weeks time either.  i don't even remember a time when leaving the house was easy.  so many things are difficult now that it's a wonder i ever manage to show up somewhere.  i'll try in the morning. 

i am thankful for all of the soldiers who have served, past and present, and those who gave their lives so that we might have our freedoms (even those that allow me to sit and complain and worry about if i will be able to drive the 12 miles to the doctor tomorrow!)  God bless all our heroes!

grace and peace

thanks be to God

so many days i use this forum to share my anxieties, fears and complaints but today i want to give thanks to a great and generous God.  not knowing what to do about the fast-approaching payment dates of most of my bills, last night i reached out to three Godly, loving and caring women at my church with my needs and my prayer requests.  this morning i heard from all 3 of them and have a paid mortgage and car payment.  

these women don't know that when our preacher asked us yesterday morning to give thanks for our "mothers in the faith" that i prayed for all 3 of them by name.  see, this is not the first time they have come to my rescue since the flood.  

even after all this time it's still humbling and sometimes very hard to ask for help.  i have certainly done it enough and will no doubt continue to ask for assistance until employment comes my way.  the most humbling things remain the help that comes without my asking:

the cash i got today in a card from my best friend,

the overly generous birthday gift from a friend,

the dozen or more meals another friend has bought with no thought to when i will be able to pick up the check,

the groceries bought by my mother,

the money from daddy to refill my long-overdue prescriptions,

the monthly check from my best friend's parents,

the therapist who sees me for free,

the hugs,

the willingness to listen,

the 'i'm sorry',

the late night phone calls from my brother,

God's never-ending grace and provision.

i keep repeating a scripture over and over when i begin to worry about what i will eat, drink or wear...

"therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  each day has enough trouble of its own."  matthew 6:34

grace and peace and thanks

         

a surprise in every sack

a hard day but a good day.  getting to therapy was hard, meeting my friends for coffee was hard but i got through them both.  i don't know which was better counselling...

my friends (a married couple) are flood victims too.  our stories are quite different yet so much the same that we are able to commiserate and offer small and clumsy comforts to each other.  today they gave me a wonderful gift:  they spent a lot of time shopping and hundreds of dollars on groceries and staples for me.

pre-flood i would have been embarrassed, perhaps mortified, to accept this kind of help, let alone share it with any and everyone reading this, but times change and i have changed.  last may, after losing everything, i stood in a church gym down the street with an empty box and a broken heart and realized that i didn't own a toothbrush, a fork, toilet paper, sheets, food.  i had nothing.  i was grateful to accept those things that others had so generously and lovingly given.  it changed me in a way i can't put into words.

my kitchen cabinet this morning with a box of cereal, peanut butter and crackers and one box of organic macaroni and cheese...

i know now that i will be thankful for aluminum foil and toothpaste and light bulbs in ways that i never could have before.  i take nothing for granted because i know what it feels like to be without.  my friends loaded me up with all kinds of great things and i was thrilled as i opened each sack to see all that they had done for me (almost like a kid on Christmas morning, if you will allow me the use of that phrase since you know my feelings about Christmas!)  they got me treats too, things i don't buy for myself:  nutella, diet coke, pepperidge farm cookies (yum!)

the same cabinet now...

see the nutella?!!!!  i am blessed.

grace and peace       

a walking bullseye

the level to which anxiety has invaded my life still boggles my mind.  this week i've been struggling with a near constant feeling of vulnerability.  i made myself go to dinner with a friend last night but told her that i was sure her van would get flattened by a meteor before night's end.  i feel exposed, as if i'm walking around naked while trying not to draw attention to myself. 

nothing feels safe.  today i've even been unable to watch television.  this week i have encountered 3 episodes of 3 different shows that have left me terribly anxious:  one having to do with a house fire, the 2 others dealing with PTSD and showing brief but realistic panic attacks.  i watched all 3 shows but shoudln't have.  now i'm reluctant to do even that.  i've read a lot and listened to a lot of music today. 

my brother just called and told me to watch the thanksgiving episode of WKRP where they are dropping live turkeys from a helicopter.  HA!  i will watch that tonight!  i'm going to his house tomorrow for a day of football (we celebrate thanksgiving on the day after with the family.)  i wish that i had my copy of "home for the holidays" but i lost it in the flood.  it is my absolute favorite thanksgiving/disfunctional family movie!  it's gone.

i am thankful for many things.  i wish that i were as adept at listing those things as i am at listing the lost things, the scary things, the different things and the new things.

     

naptime

i have chronicled my lack of sleep for several weeks now.  yesterday morning my exhaustion reached comedic proportions as i got in the shower with my socks on.  it was upwards of a full minute before i even noticed.  i was able to drive to my doctor's appointment though i don't remember the trip.  the good news was that i was approved for the prescription assistance program that will allow me to get the ridiculously expensive sleeping pill that was impossible for me to afford with no insurance.  even with insurance it is hundreds of dollars a month. 

i don't know what people do that don't have the resources, education, will and abilities that i do.  i can see how it easy it would be to give up and go without.  while i am depleted and overwhelmed i am still able to fill out the paperwork, set up chaperones for trips to the store, read articles and books on PTSD and anxiety disorders, call and arrange for trauma counselling, etc.  knowing that there are so many people out there who wouldn't be able to accomplish these seemingly basic tasks in the best of times, let alone during and after a trauma, is heartbreaking.  

i started out a bleeding-heart liberal and have only had those convictions reinforced in the last 18 months.  in that time i have had to file for and accept unemployment, stand in line at churches for food, clothing and supplies in the aftermath of losing everything in the flood, take money from friends, family, my church, other churches and even strangers.  i am a smart, college-educated, middle-class person who saw for the first time what it is really like to be "in need."  it changes you.  it changed me. 

i've been sleeping most of the day, as a result of my utter exhaustion or the sleeping pill i haven't a clue.  it doesn't matter to me as long as i can get a little sleep.  after a nap (i hope) i need to force myself to clean up a little before the health department makes a visit to this pigsty.

grace and peace