lost and found

for the last 2 days i've been looking everywhere for a notebook with a good deal of research in it for a writing project i've started but have had neglected for a long while.  i'm really trying to get back to writing on a regular basis which is why you're hearing from me now.  

i've been in a panic about losing months of research when it finally occurred to me this morning while opening the store that the one place i've not looked is in the backseat of my car.  i never have anyone back there and my car is a wasteland for stuff i just can't bear to drag into the house.  don't judge me:  i've moved the store and the house a total of 6 times in the last 2 1/2 years and there're always those last couple of boxes of random stuff that i don't use everyday that i run out of energy to deal with.

when i got home from the store i opened the bag in the floorboard behind the driver's seat and there was the lost notebook with a surge protector and baseball cap.  crisis averted!

and the day was a good one in other ways too.  an unreal list of my friends came to visit today:  ellie, jonathan (my wonderful brother), pattie, rebecca, greta and katie.  what a lovely surprise.  the sales day was good but not great.  my daily need was surpassed but i'm still stressed about the slow overall sales (though the week has been a good one).

to top the day off i talked to my bff in florida and my football and hockey teams both won.  if i were a different person i would feel great but i honestly feel anxious about tomorrow because it's not possible to have 2 days like this in a row.  isn't that terrible?  i should count my blessings and let tomorrow come but i have anxiety and that's hard for me.  i always dread the other shoe dropping.  it's, no doubt, worse now that i own a business because i'm so aware of how everyday has to go in order to keep the business afloat.  ugh.  i'm gonna turn this gadget off, say my prayers and read a bit.  i'll face tomorrow if i'm blessed enough to get it.

grace and peace 

day 19

19 days ago daddy went to the ER with shortness of breath.  he was admitted and less than 5 hours later he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and intubated.  by the next day we were told he would probably never survive without the ventilator and that his diagnosis was week to months.

 

today we are on day 19 and he's breathing on his own most of the day, his lungs are improving thanks to a stent and removal of some of the cancer after a surgery on thursday.  as soon as he's off the vent they intend to do radiation and chemo.  i don't know what any of this means in terms of his overall diagnosis.  they aren't giving us a timeframe and that seems like good news.  they continue to be surprised at how strong he is.  he has no other health problems and never has.

 

i'm exhauted and scared but hopeful that his prognosis continues to improve. there is a possibility that when he's off the vent that he will be allowed to go home.  that is what we are praying for.  as i said, today is day 19, and i'm taking only my second day away from the hospital.  it's been a long time since i was this tired.

 

i have to finally go back to work on wednesday.  praise God that today is a holiday and tuesday is my regular day off so i've set my sights on wednesday as my return date. 

 

keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

 

grace and peace

highways and byways

anxiety:  distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune.

what amazes me about my anxiety is that it attaches itself to things i have never thought about before.  i knew that getting a job wouldn't make my anxiety dissipate because this is bigger than any one thing.  yes, i am relieved to be employed but i am still bringing in less money than is going out.  i really love the bookstore, i love the books and the customers and the feeling i get while there:  that i am a part of something special, something fighting for it's very existence in a digital world but thriving in spite of it.

now i am obsessed and anxious about my safety, or lack thereof, while i'm in the car.  in nashville the electronic highway signs have begun to broadcast a running total of road fatalities in tennessee.  each day i see the number tick up and live in absolute fear that i will see the number change while i am driving and that my reaction will one of sheer terror which will cause me to be the next cold, hard number that will be displayed for all drivers to glance at, ignore or grieve for.  it's horrifying to think that with each number increase there is a family, or many families, that mourn that death and have to attach that impersonal number to their loved one for all time.

i am not sure if such tactics make drivers behave differently or if it's a deterrent to any unsafe behavior but i know i have to wage an internal war with my anxiety to get me on the road some days because i don't want to see to what extent the number has increased.  i am reminded daily that things are just not as easy as they used to be.  everything is hard while battling PTSD and anxiety.  i wonder sometimes why i am so exhausted and try to remember that i have fought so hard these last 2 years just to keep my head above water that i have a right to be tired.

i pray for the strength to carry on...

grace and peace 



gainfully employed

yesterday was my first day of work in more than 2 years.  i got a full-time job in a local, independently-owned, bookstore.  other than the understandably low salary i am thrilled.  if all the bills get paid i'll be thrilled with the money too.  those of you who know me well know how important books are to me.  i love the thought of being surrounded by books and book people again.  the words and works of great writers are much more of a comfort to me than a big bank account. 

i had a full day of training yesterday and am waiting to hear when my regular schedule will start.  i think (and pray) that it will be sometime this week.  the sooner the better.  i spent a few hours with daddy today celebrating father's day.  that was nice.  other than that it's been a quiet day with my book and the scrabble app on my iPad.  

i am so grateful for all the prayers, words of encouragement, positive thoughts and job leads given by friends and family in the last 2 years.  not to mention the financial help which has kept me afloat in a very difficult time and a stagnant economy.  much love and thanks to y'all.

i sure hope that a routine and regular time out of this house will help a little with my anxiety and that working again may help with my very painful and exhausting insomnia. 

grace and peace

    

"serenity NOW!"

"but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings as eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31

"...waiting is the hardest part."  tom petty

i'm struggling with two things in particular these last few days:  anger and impatience.  i'm angry at the world and impatient that it will not bend to my will. 

i'm nearly at the end of my rope and i see no safe place to land.  my money situation is growing dire and i seem no closer to a job or to school.  i may get my wish and be relieved of the burden of this house via foreclosure.  i cannot imagine that i'm here and yet i have only one more mortgage payment in the bank and that's it. 

i'm trying really hard to stay positive and tell myself that i am ready to go where God wants me to go and that if that means a job or school or a cardboard box that i will faithfully go. there is peace in that. 

some part of me, though, is afraid that the lack of concern i feel about the impending shift is just another form of denial.  i can no longer tell if my anxiety is protecting my brain from things it can't handle or if it's numbing me to the extent that i really don't care anymore what becomes of this situation.

i don't know how to change anything and i don't know how i will survive losing anything else.  i'm am truly lost.  i pray for patience, for relief, for help, for a loud and resounding command, for deliverance, for peace, for hope and for a pillar of cloud and a pillar of fire.  

grace and peace