the official countdown

got the official word today that the new owners of the building want to renegotiote a new lease when mine expires in june BUT that my rent will double.

so they (a university-my alma mater) "want" me to stay but they intend to make it impossible to do so.  they will, within the next 2 years, tear down this 100 year old building and build shiny, new, soulless, generic buildings in its place but they can't continue to rent to me in the meantime at my current rate?  they have to double the rent?

no, they don't have to.  they choose to.  the university representative said that if i leave they won't rent the space to someone else they will just move in some existing university employees.  so it will become office space and they won't make any money at all.  still, that's preferable to them than cashing my rent check and keeping an alumna-owned small business on the block.

it's not hard to tell that i'm angry about this.  i'm also greif-stricken and anxious about it.  i have some time before i have to let them know what i intend to do but there's only one answer:  i have to close.  there is no way i can pay more.  there is no way i can afford rent anywhere else in nashville.  so the dream is ending.  it's heartbreaking.

i have to stop thinking about it tonight.  it's exactly what i knew was going to happen so it's not at all a surprise.  it just starts the countdown in an official way.  on june 30th...i'm done.  

lent begins tomorrow and i haven't spent any time on my plan for observing.  some years i give up something.  some years i add something.  this year i have no idea how to do either and sustain it for 40 days.  i'm already overwhelmed. 

i'm gonna fall into bed and pray for sleep!

grace and peace  

my brain feels full

i'm tired, y'all.  very tired.  i took 4 days off at new year's but don't feel rested.  i opened the bookstore sunday to do inventory and year end paperwork.  i was hopeful that since dorms were opening that i would sell some books but that didn't happen.  i was so disappointed to see my 2019 sales and final numbers that i was near tears when i left.

i had a good therapy appointment monday morning and a decent day off.  i feel a little more settled after a productive day today but i don't know how much more of this i can take.  i stopped to pick up dinner on the way home because there is nothing here to eat that i don't have to cook.  while waiting i saw a news story about the peril that nashville retail is in.  listen, i don't need to see it on the news.  i'm living it.

the building sold, my lease is up in june, but i'm not even sure i can make it that long.  the stress is likely having some serious negative effects on me.  but how would i know?  how would i know?  

i'm sick at the thought of closing but i know it's my only option.  in my best moments i comfort myself by repeating a few things that i know for sure:  "it's nothing you did," "you've worked so hard!," "you did a hard thing," "most people never get to live their dream and you did!" in my worst moments it's dark.  it's miserable and it's not worth repeating.  i'm tired and i'm sad and i'm angry.  

i don't know how this ends.  anything can happen.  i try to just go day to day but i'm really not good at it.  i know that i will survive this.  i know that i've survived worse.  i still want to avoid it.  i want to keep my store and avoid the pain and stress of losing it.  i want to avoid job interviews and a boss and co-workers.  i want to avoid feeling like a failure and starting over... AGAIN.  i want to work hard and do a service and be rewarded for it.  i don't want to do any of this.

if you pray...pray for me.

grace and peace

  

reflection

as this year/decade comes to a close i realize that i haven't written on this blog in more than a year.  it's been a blur.  the life of a small business owner, i suppose.  december is so busy that christmas comes and goes without my noticing (except that i get a day off on the 25th).  so, i didn't even consider that a new year was upon us until i started seeing social media posts about the decade ending.

that's when it hit me - this decade has been a bitch and i'm glad to see it go.  but it has also been ten years of...growth...maybe.  it begin with me in a job i didn't love but that provided me a good living, i owned a home, had a couple of dogs and a cat.  it was okay.

the flood in may of 2010 changed everything - i lost everything.  every thing.  but the most important thing i lost was me.  the trauma changed me.  it damaged me.  i know now that it also set me free.  in the best way it taught me to have no attachment to things but in the worst way it taught me to have no attachment - period.  

may-oct 2010 we rebuilt the house.  oct. 2010-june 2012 i was nearly paralyzed with anxiety and rarely left the house.  in 2011 i lost an aunt to cancer.  i started working in june 2012 at a local used bookstore and while i still suffered from severe PTSD i was able to go to work.  in 2013 i lost my 3 remaining grandparents and a great-aunt in 7 months.  i stayed there until 2014 then went to work at a friend's jewelry store where i learned a lot about sales and business and customer service.  

in august 2015 daddy was diagnosed with stage 4 lunch cancer and he died in april of 2016.  it was, is and remains the hardest thing i will ever go through.  i'd often heard people talk about the "club" you join after losing a parent.  i've heard people say you don't really become an adult until you lose a parent.  i'm afraid it's true.  it's the most untethered to life i've ever felt in a life that has felt full of floating just out of range of most people around me.  

almost immediately i opened my first bookstore (daddy never got to see it open but he was there when we painted the walls). upon reflection it's obvious i wasn't capable then of the stamina or drive i needed.  it's also obvious that i opened in a neighborhood unprepared to sustain a used bookstore. i was incapable of taking care of myself at the time and stopped paying all my bills and called my mortgage company and told them to take my house.  i didn't want it anymore - it had tried to kill me and i wasn't staying there one more night and i wasn't paying one more dime.  i was lucky that my mother had inherited a house from her aunt that was sitting empty so i took the dog and 2 cats and moved.  i left behind about 3/4 of my meager belongings because i didn't want anything that had ever been inside that house. i eventually filed bankruptcy (on just one credit card a credit union line of credit) to avoid foreclosure.  they foreclosed anyway. 

the presidential election later that year sent me into months of depression and grief that i had not had time to process.  i went to work but i talked to no one.  i moved my store to a temporary location in april 2017 for 6 months at the end of my first year-long lease.  i worked at the bookstore 1-2 days a week, at the jewelry store a couple of days a week and for a jewelry designer 3 days a week. i moved my house in may 2017.  i went to bed each night exhausted, sometimes hungry and always in mourning.

in novemeber 2017 i opened full-time in my permanent bookstore location.  my lifelong dream realized!  it's been a difficult run.  the neighborhood, in fact the city, is changing so fast and all retail is having a hard time adjusting.  the retail book business is especially hart-hit. in april 2018 i moved houses again. in april 2019 i lost my perfect, sweet, hilarious pug winston and i wanted to stop.  i wanted to refuse to go on.  i wanted to shout to the heavens that i'm tired of losing.  that last one i did.  the others i can't do.  that lost was the only of the many losses that made me feel as hopeless and as helpless as the loss of daddy.    

just last month the building in which i rent for the bookstore was sold to the university across the street.  my days/months are numbered.  there isn't any affordable commercial rent in nashville in the areas i could make a go of it.  i'm faced with another loss that doesn't feel possible to survive.  

i do know that i will survive it because i've survived all the rest but i'm sure beaten down by them.  i don't always know what to do with myself over them.  i'm not sure why i've suffered so many.  i try to repeat to myself a line from M*A*S*H that is 100% true.  BJ, in despair over what he's missing with his wife and daughter while away in a war, lashes out at margaret and hawkeye because with them being unmarried they can't understand his pain.  margaret says, "maybe you do have the most to lose but that's only because you've got the most." 

maybe i've lost so much because i had the most.

this is a long haul; thanks for sticking with me.

grace and peace

gratefulness

i work 6 days a week.   monday is my day off.  every other monday morning i have a therapy appointment which i need to attend for my sanity.  that means i have 2 days a month that a i don't have to set an alarm.

tomorrow is one of those 2 days.  yes, i still have to go to the store to take care of the bookstore kitty but i can do that in my pjs.  i love to have days in which i don't have to leave the house but i don't get those anymore.

i will keep this up as long as i'm blessed enough to have my own business.  and i'll be grateful

grace and peace

happy anniversary to me

today marks one year that my bookstore has been open at its current location.  basically, today is my one-year anniversary because i couldn’t do this full-time until this last move so i consider november 18, 2017 my opening day.  it went by uncelebrated and that’s okay because i knew.  i didn’t want to plan anything or have an event since it’s a holiday week.  i felt sure it would be a slow day and that would just depress me and add to my anxiety and frustration.

i had a good day though.  i had gotten in several books as part of a donation that i knew a customer would want to look at.  i texted and she came by and made a sizeable purchase.  i love doing what i do.  i love knowing my customers wants and interests and contacting them when books surface that they will like.  i had that happen one other time this past week as well and it reinforced why i do what i do.

the used book business is really hard.  i’m in constant competition with big warehouse stores and thrift shops and goodwill but i offer so much more than that.  you can’t walk into one of those places and ask for recommendations or spend literally hours talking about literature or politics or family or music or film or God or anything else.  i do that all day.  i know my customers and i do what i do for them – not just for me.

i don’t know that i will see another anniversary in this business unless something changes.  lots of things are happening in the book world and lots of things are happening in nashville.  it’s a source of pride for me that the store sustains itself but i must pay myself as well and that’s proving to be much more difficult. 

if i’m able to hang on i hope on my 2^nd anniversary then i can have a party!

grace and peace and books

these are the days

yesterday was a good sales day at the store and that always feels encouraging.  unfortunately those days are often followed by days like today - 35 degrees and pouring down rain.  it's dead.  i've had only a handful of customers and fewer buyers.  

i find it hard to reconcile the 2 realities. i'm elated on the good days and downright miserable on the bad days.  normal?  maybe.  exhausting? absolutely.

i love what i do.  i love owning my own business.  i don't love the stress though.  i don't love the uncertainty.  i don't handle the ups and downs with much grace.   

it's a trial by fire and sometimes i feel singed while other times i feel burned.  mostly today i feel tired.

headed out of here in a few minutes to my couch and my pug and my cat.  

grace and peace

but what do i say?

i told my friend daniel that i felt like writing tonight but i have no idea what i want/need to say.  his blog is always an inspiration to me but he succeeds where i spin.  his writing is focused and mine is a purging.  i sit in front of this empty screen and try to give voice to the anxiety in my brain and the way my body fights and/or gives in.  

tomorrow marks 10 months the bookstore has been open in the new location.  mostly things are great.  money is tight.  the book business has changed.  i'm looking for ways to make more money and stretch the dollars that come in.  luckily the store pays for itself - it's paying me that's the current problem.  as you can imagine, that fact is not an easy one for someone with, at times, debilitating anxiety.

my brother just called - he helps my anxiety though we had to talk politics.  he opened with, "i'm not gonna talk long, but..." because he knows i tend to rant and rave.  today and tomorrow are my days off so i hope to enjoy them and rest a little.

grace and peace

10 years and counting

10 years ago today i closed on this house.  i never thought i'd be here 10 years and i certainly never thought i'd be here 10 years with no way out.  almost 5 years after the flood the value is about half what it was beforehand.  it's still, though the saying hurts, "under water" about $25,000, meaning it's worth $25,000 less than i owe.

 

the bad part of it is that because of my anxiety i am relegated to spending nearly every waking minute here unless i'm at work.  my world has become so small as i cannot go but a handful of places.  i only have a couple of friends for which i am willing to venture out.  i can't go to the movies, i can't go to a restaurant, i can't go to church, i can't go anywhere and feel safe - though the worst part is that this is the place i feel the LEAST safe.

 

i wish i were a person who didn't remember anniversaries and wasn't so sentimental but that's not me.  i can't remember what i ate for lunch but i know every phone number i've ever had.  i can't remember how to get home a lot of days but i know every one of my ex-boyfriend's birthdays.

 

today was a busy day at work.  i'm tired and a bit congested.  i'm gonna pile up on the couch with winston the pug and try my best to look forward to tomorrow.

 

grace and peace

 

 

 

 

 

 



in like a lion...

haven't felt like writing much lately but here i am.

 

i've started working full-time so i'm adjusting to that while also trying to cope with the end of winter.  we've finally had some 70 degree days but winter has hung on much longer than i had hoped.

 

living with insomnia and PTSD is tiring enough without the gray skies and cold weather.  i'm looking forward to the days i can get to the track after work and breathe in the fresh air.  i'm so out of shape but i do look forward to the exercise, no matter how slow and laborious it may be.

 

i'm sure there was a time when things weren't so hard in my life but i honestly don't remember those days.  as i approach the 5 year mark (may 2) of the flood i can't help but think of all the days, weeks, months, years that i have all but lost.  if feels a lot like my childhood - lost years that aren't worth remembering.  ugh!

 

as a Christian i believe that hard times are a part of life and that we will all face them but there is a part of me that continues to cry out with the question, "how much?"  i would love to have something be easy for once.  for days not to just be survived but actually lived.  not sure i would know how to react to such ease.

 

grace and peace.

 

 

 



anniversary

today marks my second anniversary at rhino books.  i have loved books my whole life.  i've eaten, dreamt, talked, hoarded, argued and read books since i was 3.  i've worked in libraries but this job is the first time i'm buying and selling books as a career.  i've learned a lot and have so much more to learn.  it's a delight to love what you do.  i've never experienced it before.

 

my favorite part is, "do you have any recommendations?"  "why, YES I DO! tell me the last thing you read that you really loved" and i can almost always help you find the next one...

 

the book business is hard these days but there's no place i would rather be. 

 

grace and peace and BOOKS!

 



when it rains it SUCKS!

here's how many times i DIDN'T think of the flood today:

 

1.  i DIDN'T think of the flood when i got to work this morning and there was half of a wet ceiling tile on the floor and dozens of books ruined.

 

2.  i DIDN'T think of the flood when i had my first asthma attack of the day after trying to ascertain which books needed to be removed from the shelves.

 

3.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as i took pictures for the inevitable insurance claim.

 

4.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as clouds moved in and the sky grew heavy.

 

5.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as the rain fell.

 

6.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as a generous employee of a neighboring business helped me pull dry books off the shelves into boxes and garbage bags.

 

7.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as the water pooled at my feet.

 

8.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as i talked on the phone to the owner of the bookstore.

 

9.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as ceiling tiles fell around me.

 

i DID think of the flood as i contemplated someone (anyone but me) pulling all the wet books off the shelves and dragging them to the dumpster. 

 

i have thought of nothing else.

 

i filed the insurance claim and arranged a crew to come start the clean-up TOMORROW when i'm not there.  

 

i cannot let the bookstore, my "safe place," become bogged down in memories of wet, smelly, belongings that are precious and ruined.

 

here's hoping i'm able to actually do that.

 

grace and peace

 

 

 

 

 

there'll be days like this

how's my day been, you ask?

 

i had a therapy appointment before work.  left the house an hour early, got there on time (always a WIN) and made it to work on time.  a decent day in a good week.  i love selling books.

 

i had my worst cash register discrepancy ever.  finally figured it out but i was work an extra 45 minutes.  there went my walk.  by the time i got home it was well after 8 i was starving.  at this point my day is 2 hours longer than normal.  inside and NO POWER!  did i pay the bill?  i thought so but i had NO POWER.  i called.  yes, i paid PART of the bill but not all the bill.  hottest day of the year so far, pug inside, NO POWER.  winston the pug was hot and i was mad.  i paid the $189 over the phone but now i can't pay my mortgage.  that's next week so i won't worry about it tonight.  (just call me scarlett!)

 

i was warned that it may take up to 4 hours for the power to be restored.  remember, i was starving and all i had that didn't have to be cooked was a banana.  that wouldn't do.  only had $5 and the closest place to get food is mcdonald's.  remember i'm a vegetarian.  luckily the power was back on in about 45 minutes and i whipped up a quick dinner of couscous and veggies.

 

now i'm broke(r). and tired.  and i have to work a full day tomorrow at my store instead of the shorter day at the store i usually work on fridays.  luckily this house is small and it doesn't take much time to cool off.  oh, there was a big puddle of water in the kitchen where the ice melted out of the ice maker.  i almost fell in that which would have been icing on the cake.  i cleaned it up while i was on the phone with NES in a kitchen lit by my key chain flashlight.  

 

maybe tomorrow will be better.

 

grace and peace   

versa v. mustang

i should write more, i know.  i just can't seem to get it together.  and anyway it seems that as soon as i get one bill paid another gets behind so i either have phones but no food or electricity and no internet, etc. 

 

i got into a fight with 4 teenage boys in a mustang on the way home tonight and realized i was acting like a kid myself--in my tiny nissan.  why did it matter to me that the driver was showing off?while he was driving irresponsibly i was never in any real danger but i reacted as if i were.  i drove way too fast to get around him, and around him again, and finally got off at my exit (with him in my rearview mirror.)

 

i had a good day at work but my anxiety is ever-present.  i just kept waiting to leave and then realized that i like it better there than i do here.  ugh!  sleep won't come but i'm determined to be in bed early tonight and pray with all my might that i get a good nights sleep.  i could sure use one.

 

be patient with me and i will get back to writing on a regular basis soon...i hope.

 

grace and peace

under the weather

i don't remember the last time that i felt too bad to take a shower but today has been one of those days.  i left the couch for diet dr. pepper and the bathroom a couple of times.  i think it must be bronchitis.  i had to have a friend assure me last night that i wasn't having a heart attack.  every intake of breath hurts.  today that is a little better but my temp is up and breathing is still labored. 

 

my ears are stuffed with sweet oil and cotton balls, my box of kleenex is almost gone and i really would like to have some ice cream.  (though i don't think you're supposed to have dairy when you're this congested.)  anyway, i'm off to bed about 3 hours early.  i don't have the option of calling in sick so i have to be at work at 10:30 tomorrow regardless.  luckily i can take it easy there.

 

my anxiety has been really high for the last couple of weeks and now i find myself sick.  just goes to show how interconnected our minds and bodies are.  

 

grace and peace  

heat wave

the air conditioning has been on the fritz at work and my brain is a bit fried.  it got fixed today in the nick of time:  i was about to spontaneously combust.  i just wanted to stop in and say hello before retiring to finish my book.  when i'm within 50 pages of the end of a book all things stop until i've finished.  i'm rereading a favorite, "the shadow of the wind", in anticipation of the sequel.  as soon as "stairway to heaven" ends i will turn off the iPod and read.

i love the 4 day work week that i have.  it's amazing to me the difference in a 4 day vs. a 5 day week.  of course, i know the books have a lot to do with it as well.  i'm really enjoying the job (air conditioning crisis notwithstanding.) 

anxiety continues to plague me, but not so much during my work hours so i consider that a blessing.

grace and peace

highs and lows

had a good day today at work.  my brother stopped in for a surprise visit and, while i was busy, we still got to visit and laugh a little.  then i got the news that a dear friend's mother died suddenly today.  it was a great shock and my heart aches for her and her family.

a death always reminds me of the things i take for granted and the pain that comes with regret and unspoken truths.  to all my friends and family...i love you and i cherish you.  we aren't promised that this life will be easy and we aren't promised that it will be lengthy.  let's be grateful for every day and every blessing.

my friend's mother was a faithful Christian and without that i know that her enormous grief would be so much worse.  my love to you, s.s.

grace and peace! 

working girl

my first week of work (with my regular schedule) is over and my first paycheck (for last week's abbreviated schedule) is in the bank.  looking forward to my paycheck in 2 weeks to see what my monthly earnings will be.  it sure felt good to see that deposit in my bank account this morning.  after 2 years of not working it is such a blessing. 

other than tired feet and legs when i get home at night i have no complaints.  and even that is bearable.  it's like the soreness after a good long run or workout--you know you've earned the sore muscles and it's a "good" tired and sore.  the positive thing is that i'm not still sore when i get up in the morning so i feel like i'll adjust to all the standing, etc. 

my anxiety is mutating into other areas now that i have a job.  i remain obsessed with the death toll flashing on all the electronic highway signs.  i'm also becoming more and more anxious about my pets being home alone while i'm out all day.  they are fine, but i'm not.  i worry about them constantly (even when i'm here if they are outside or out of my sight.) 

it seems the anxiety must find an outlet.  it's exhausting!  i'm so tired of not being myself.  afraid that i don't even know the real me anymore.  i wonder if the changes are irrevocable?  will i just have to learn to live with this forever?  will the real me creep back in one day when i've given her up for good?  or is this the damn "new normal" that everyone assures me i can expect?

i just can't solve it.  i suppose everyone feels that way about something, huh?

grace and peace  

highways and byways

anxiety:  distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune.

what amazes me about my anxiety is that it attaches itself to things i have never thought about before.  i knew that getting a job wouldn't make my anxiety dissipate because this is bigger than any one thing.  yes, i am relieved to be employed but i am still bringing in less money than is going out.  i really love the bookstore, i love the books and the customers and the feeling i get while there:  that i am a part of something special, something fighting for it's very existence in a digital world but thriving in spite of it.

now i am obsessed and anxious about my safety, or lack thereof, while i'm in the car.  in nashville the electronic highway signs have begun to broadcast a running total of road fatalities in tennessee.  each day i see the number tick up and live in absolute fear that i will see the number change while i am driving and that my reaction will one of sheer terror which will cause me to be the next cold, hard number that will be displayed for all drivers to glance at, ignore or grieve for.  it's horrifying to think that with each number increase there is a family, or many families, that mourn that death and have to attach that impersonal number to their loved one for all time.

i am not sure if such tactics make drivers behave differently or if it's a deterrent to any unsafe behavior but i know i have to wage an internal war with my anxiety to get me on the road some days because i don't want to see to what extent the number has increased.  i am reminded daily that things are just not as easy as they used to be.  everything is hard while battling PTSD and anxiety.  i wonder sometimes why i am so exhausted and try to remember that i have fought so hard these last 2 years just to keep my head above water that i have a right to be tired.

i pray for the strength to carry on...

grace and peace