piling on

 

grief in two part.  the first is loss.  the second is the remaking of life.

 

anne roiphe

 

another loss in my life has left me more angry than anything.  but underneath that old familiar friend lies another hole.  i feel hollowed out, tunneled through, an open wound.  i keep thinking i will get sad for the loss of the only job i ever loved but i don't have the energy for sad.  anger and emptiness leaves nothing else.

 

i've learned a lot in these last 4 1/2 years of loss upon loss but what i haven't learned is how to hold on.  now the losses feel normal, expected, ultimately inevitable.  even the replacing of things feels ridiculous.  as if they too will be lost in the long-run, but more likely in the short-run. 

 

there is little worry over another job, in fact, i've already had an interview.  the anxiety is over my inability to even care!  perhaps i live under the false belief that each loss will be the final straw that breaks this camel's back but when that doesn't happen i find myself wondering, seriously wondering, if i have the ability to respond properly to things anymore or if i'm numb to what's happening to me. 

 

while my anxiety is ever-present it surrounds mostly small insignificant things.  the big things touch me very little.  for example, i'm much more worried about tomorrow's trip to trader joe's: the traffic, full parking lot, busy store, the unavailability of some things on my list, rather than the much bigger and more dire circumstance of my dwindling bank account and employment status.  go figure.

grace and peace