virus from hell

well, y'all, is this surreal or what?  i'm having a hard time getting my mind around it.  i've had mild symptoms for about a week now.  my doctor's office is confident i have it and that i picked it up at my bookstore.  i really only spoke with a doctor because i have asthma and i wanted to be sure that i had a new inhaler handy just in case.  he called it in and CVS pharmacy mailed it to me.  i'm now quarantined until at least april 7 - which is my birthday.

i'm glad i closed the store when i did.  i've been closed since i left there on saturday the 14th.  unfortunately i ran a few errands on that weekend, and early last week, to stock up on groceries, etc.  i sure hope i didn't make anyone else sick. 

i'm anxious about the store being closed and no money coming in.  however, for some inexplicable reason, i'm only a little anxious.  maybe it's that i'm sick.  maybe it's that i can't do one single thing about it.  maybe it's that i know that no matter what happens - whether i'm closed a month or whether i never open again - that somehow i will be fine.  see, i've survived worse.

so many people are in my boat right now.  i am confident that we will pull together and survive this.  and there are so many folks who are very sick and dying and so many families who have already lost loved ones that my little bookstore and my chest pain and my shortness of breath seem inconsequential.

i'm angry that people still aren't taking it seriously.  i'm angry that huge corporations are putting profits ahead of people.  i'm angry that the federal government will bail out the corporations and that most of us will get a $1,200 check...in a few months.  how will $1,200 pay for months of my closed store?  how will $1,200 help a family who lost one or both incomes for weeks upon weeks. how will $1,200 help most people when it won't even cover one months rent?  

ugh...i'm exhausted.  take care of yourselves.  wash your hands, keep your distance when you have to go out, stay home as much as you can.

grace and peace 

      

the official countdown

got the official word today that the new owners of the building want to renegotiote a new lease when mine expires in june BUT that my rent will double.

so they (a university-my alma mater) "want" me to stay but they intend to make it impossible to do so.  they will, within the next 2 years, tear down this 100 year old building and build shiny, new, soulless, generic buildings in its place but they can't continue to rent to me in the meantime at my current rate?  they have to double the rent?

no, they don't have to.  they choose to.  the university representative said that if i leave they won't rent the space to someone else they will just move in some existing university employees.  so it will become office space and they won't make any money at all.  still, that's preferable to them than cashing my rent check and keeping an alumna-owned small business on the block.

it's not hard to tell that i'm angry about this.  i'm also greif-stricken and anxious about it.  i have some time before i have to let them know what i intend to do but there's only one answer:  i have to close.  there is no way i can pay more.  there is no way i can afford rent anywhere else in nashville.  so the dream is ending.  it's heartbreaking.

i have to stop thinking about it tonight.  it's exactly what i knew was going to happen so it's not at all a surprise.  it just starts the countdown in an official way.  on june 30th...i'm done.  

lent begins tomorrow and i haven't spent any time on my plan for observing.  some years i give up something.  some years i add something.  this year i have no idea how to do either and sustain it for 40 days.  i'm already overwhelmed. 

i'm gonna fall into bed and pray for sleep!

grace and peace  

lazy sunday

full disclosure:  i had plans to go to church this morning (as i plan to do every sunday morning) and then to attend a meeting at daddy's church-a biblical seminar on grief-at 1:00 BUT all i've done is walk the dog, eat toast for breakfast and finish my re-read of the fourth harry potter book.  i've also read my bible study for the day and spent a good deal of time in prayer.

now i'm watching a hockey game while waiting on the titans game to start.  i have a full day tomorrow: therapy, haircut, meeting a friend for coffee, grocery store.  i'm so exhausted these days that i need one day a week that i don't have to leave the house.  when i have no plans on monday i have an easier time getting to church. i'm making it to my wednesday night class without fail but i'm struggling with getting to church sunday mornings.  i get home saturday night so stressed out and exhausted that i'm useless until about supper time sunday night (i'm a night-owl).  

january at the store has been abysmal.  it's wearing on me like it hasn't before.  i don't know if it's because, with the sale of the building, i know my days/months are numbered or what but it's killing me.  it's obvious that the neighborhood in which i'm located can no long support a bookstore.  it's obvious that the new owners of the buiding see no value in a bookstore being there.  

it's so hard to know this 100 year old building with so much history - that is so loved by the neighborhood - is going to be destroyed.  anyway, i'm angry about it.  i'm angry that the city is changing so much.  i'm angry that the neighborhood is changing so much.  i'm angry at the people who don't come in.  i'm angry at the people who do come in, compliment the store in such glowing terms then wish me luck and walk out without buying anything.  i'm angry at more than that but you get the drift.  

i'm angry and that makes me tired.  being angry is so taxing and destructive.  i don't want to spend the last few months that i get to live my dream being so angry.  i'm trying really hard (hence all my time in prayer) to enjoy the positive things: the genuine interactions, the in depth, nerdy book talks, the compliments, etc.  i want to appreciate those while i still have them.  i do know that when this is over that those are the things that will comfort me. that those are the things i will look back on in the days and years to come when i tell people about what it was like to own my own piece of heaven - a used bookstore.

grace and peace

    

my brain feels full

i'm tired, y'all.  very tired.  i took 4 days off at new year's but don't feel rested.  i opened the bookstore sunday to do inventory and year end paperwork.  i was hopeful that since dorms were opening that i would sell some books but that didn't happen.  i was so disappointed to see my 2019 sales and final numbers that i was near tears when i left.

i had a good therapy appointment monday morning and a decent day off.  i feel a little more settled after a productive day today but i don't know how much more of this i can take.  i stopped to pick up dinner on the way home because there is nothing here to eat that i don't have to cook.  while waiting i saw a news story about the peril that nashville retail is in.  listen, i don't need to see it on the news.  i'm living it.

the building sold, my lease is up in june, but i'm not even sure i can make it that long.  the stress is likely having some serious negative effects on me.  but how would i know?  how would i know?  

i'm sick at the thought of closing but i know it's my only option.  in my best moments i comfort myself by repeating a few things that i know for sure:  "it's nothing you did," "you've worked so hard!," "you did a hard thing," "most people never get to live their dream and you did!" in my worst moments it's dark.  it's miserable and it's not worth repeating.  i'm tired and i'm sad and i'm angry.  

i don't know how this ends.  anything can happen.  i try to just go day to day but i'm really not good at it.  i know that i will survive this.  i know that i've survived worse.  i still want to avoid it.  i want to keep my store and avoid the pain and stress of losing it.  i want to avoid job interviews and a boss and co-workers.  i want to avoid feeling like a failure and starting over... AGAIN.  i want to work hard and do a service and be rewarded for it.  i don't want to do any of this.

if you pray...pray for me.

grace and peace

  

watch your mouth

just can't help but write about an interaction i had with a lady in the bookstore today.  she was talking to her friend and me about a trip she took and the friend asked, "when?"  she responded, "the same time as the nashville flood.  when was that?"  i said, "may, 2010" and she looked at me like i had 2 heads.  i said, "i lost everything in that flood."  she then looked at me with pity and said, "at least you were able to rebuild." 

now, how she knew i was able to rebuild and why she thought it was okay to assume such a thing is baffling.  i said, "it's only stuff, right?"  she quickly agreed and then sensed i was being facetious and added, "i'm sure it's more involved than that."  i replied, "if only it were as easy as replacing things."  she quickly went on with her story and talked about a few books, etc.

after she left i realized i was angry.  i've mentioned ad nauseam that the physical things aren't the hard things to replace.  i've not mourned one tangible thing i lost in the flood.  the things i mourn are intangible:  my safety, my sanity, my very self. 

the point of this post is a reminder that words matter!  please, if someone you know is going through something: something big, something small, something you've endured, something you find unimportant, please think before you speak!  the clichés:  "i know how you feel", "it's only stuff", "it'll get better", "you'll be fine", "they're in a better place" are unnecessary, unfeeling and sometimes downright untrue. 

if you don't know what to say, say, "i'm sorry."  simple.  say, "i don't know what to say, but i'm here for you."  perfect. 

more on words about grief tomorrow.

grace and peace

charleston, part III

this may be my the last diatribe on charleston but it may not be.

 

 open letter to the murderer:

 

we are all made in God’s image.  we are ALL His children.  to hurt another human is to disgrace God.  to believe, or at least pretend to believe, that another race (nationality, creed, ideology) is such a threat to you that it gives you the right to wipe them off the face of the earth is INSANITY.  it is hyperbole.  you, white man, are not in danger of becoming extinct.  the cradle of civilization contained brown-skinned people.  you, white man, are the process of evolution and migration. The further north we traveled the lighter our skin became for our protection.  you, white man, are from a darker-skinned tribe.  get over it.  we are all just exactly alike on the inside. what difference, outside of some made-up, fearful, hateful ideology, can it possibly make?

 

to use the language of the lynch mob and declare, “you rape our women” before opening fire on innocents shows your twisted mindset.  guess what, white women aren’t YOURS!  we are not in need of your twisted protection from the black man. the protection we need, not just women, but the world, is protection from the thinking, teaching, violence and hatred in the hearts and minds of people like you!

 

may God have mercy on your soul.

 

may God have mercy on us all.

 

grace and peace

charleston, part II

i have a few more thoughts about what happened this week in charleston: do i think this is about guns?  yes.  i think any time a person in shot down in anger it's a good time to talk about our gun culture and the availability of weapons but i honestly don't see our intransigence crumbling after one more tragedy. and really my point is that this isn't about guns this is about racism (let's call it what it is: hatred).  this is about a man who indoctrinated himself or was indoctrinated by others (i suspect a bit of both) to hate.  it's the classic "us vs. them".  you see, this world is not about "us vs. them". no matter who the "us" or the "them".  this world is not about black vs. white, muslim vs. jew, male vs. female, catholic vs. protestant, sunni vs. shia, gay vs. straight, indigenous vs. pilgrim, urban vs. suburban vs. rural.  this world is about DARKNESS vs. LIGHT (put another way SIN vs. GRACE).

 

choices – that is what this world is about.  good vs. bad, right vs. wrong.  we can choose darkness or we can choose light. God is not in darkness. He is not in hatred. He is not in fear. He IS in the hearts of the families of the viciously murdered when they can, just a few short days later, say that there is not hatred in their hearts for the murderer. He is in forgiveness and love. God is love.

grace and peace

charleston, part I

below is facebook post one regarding the shooting of nine innocent people in a house of worship:

 

i wish i could think of something to say about what happened in charleston last night that would make a difference, that would make people think about racism, gun violence and our culture in a way they haven't before but i have nothing. absolutely nothing. this kind of thing just keeps happening and we just keep doing nothing. we'll shed a few tears, give a few dollars, debate the 'whys' and 'hows' and then the news coverage will fade and we will settle back into our safe,... easy, busy lives until the next mass shooting. then we'll act surprised and outraged that it happened again. we've got one maniac in colorado on trial for a mass shooting in a movie theatre and while that's in motion we get this one on the other side of the country shooting up a church. a church! but it's all the same. it's all hatred and pain and i'm sick of it. let's pray for the families and friends of the victims, let's pray for those shattered by the actions of someone they thought they knew, let's pray for this beloved country of ours that we will do a better job of teaching our children not to hate, that we will take greater care to treat mental illness, that we will pass reasonable gun legislation, that we will treat our brothers as we wish to be treated. all our brothers - the black ones, the gay ones, the muslim ones, the female ones, the poor ones, the homeless ones, the mentally ill ones, all God's children.

 

grace and peace

piling on

 

grief in two part.  the first is loss.  the second is the remaking of life.

 

anne roiphe

 

another loss in my life has left me more angry than anything.  but underneath that old familiar friend lies another hole.  i feel hollowed out, tunneled through, an open wound.  i keep thinking i will get sad for the loss of the only job i ever loved but i don't have the energy for sad.  anger and emptiness leaves nothing else.

 

i've learned a lot in these last 4 1/2 years of loss upon loss but what i haven't learned is how to hold on.  now the losses feel normal, expected, ultimately inevitable.  even the replacing of things feels ridiculous.  as if they too will be lost in the long-run, but more likely in the short-run. 

 

there is little worry over another job, in fact, i've already had an interview.  the anxiety is over my inability to even care!  perhaps i live under the false belief that each loss will be the final straw that breaks this camel's back but when that doesn't happen i find myself wondering, seriously wondering, if i have the ability to respond properly to things anymore or if i'm numb to what's happening to me. 

 

while my anxiety is ever-present it surrounds mostly small insignificant things.  the big things touch me very little.  for example, i'm much more worried about tomorrow's trip to trader joe's: the traffic, full parking lot, busy store, the unavailability of some things on my list, rather than the much bigger and more dire circumstance of my dwindling bank account and employment status.  go figure.

grace and peace   

this is how it really happened

i’ve been asked by several people who read this blog to give an account of the day of the flood.  since today is the 3^rd anniversary i thought i’d try.

i’ll go back a day to saturday, may 1, 2010.  i had just been fired on friday for missing 4 days of work, with a doctor’s note, with bronchitis and pneumonia.  i spent the day on the couch angry and sick.  it rained all day.  HARD.  I-40 east was closed (one route to my aunt and uncles.)

i slept little the night of saturday-sunday.  it rained all night.

i got up before 6 a.m. on sunday morning and knew right away i wouldn’t try to get out for church.  still raining and i felt awful.  power was on and off all day.  i walked the dogs at about 9 a.m. for 10 minutes when the rain let up and talked to some neighbors.  i found that mcgavock was now closed.  there are 2 roads in and out of my neighborhood:  mcgavock and briley.  with mcgavock closed that eliminated my aunt and uncles house to the east and one of the routes south to daddy’s.

the rain continued, i struggled to breathe and thought about where to apply for a job.  outside my backyard fence there is a hill 10-12 feet down that leads to a common area about the size of a football field where our dogs can run without leashes.  in the center of this space there is a slight dip about a foot deep and 30 feet across.  by midday there was water in the hole.  every half hour i went out to look.  it never changed. 

3 p.m. i went out again to walk the dogs (my golden retriever and my pug.)  i learned then that briley parkway was closed, both north and south.  i was officially stuck.  no way out.  daddy lives south, mama west and my brother, north.  no matter – no way out.

no satellite, no power, no way out.

i was getting calls on my cell phone every hour by most family members telling me to leave.  leave?  how?

by 7 p.m. there was no change.  still raining, no power, roads closed, cell phone battery dying, frantic calls.  i, with pneumonia, laid on the couch for lack of anything to do, and slept for 45 minutes.  when i woke i went out back to check and there was water a foot from my fence.  i called my brother and told him i was leaving.  the only thing i could think to do was drive 2 miles to the end of the main road where there is a church on a hill.  almost 2 miles from the river.  oh, i live yards from the river.  the cumberland.  it is just behind the football-size common area behind the house. 

it’s about 8 p.m. now - i grabbed a bag, put in a pair of shorts, a t-shirt, my cell phone, 4 or 5 bibles, my purse and put those in small SUV, a kia sportage.  i got the 2 dog beds, the dog food, the cat food and loaded them, loaded the dogs, went back in one more time for the cat and the one bottle of unopened red wine.  i spoke to a few neighbors and asked where they were going.  everyone was headed to the church.  water was pouring into my street to my right (i’m the 3^rd house on the street.)  it was 2 houses away.  a man in a canoe with a bullhorn was telling us to evacuate:  “you MUST evacuate, it’s a matter of minutes, briley parkway north will be open by the time you get there! EVACUATE!”  water was 4 houses away to my left (now my only way out of the subdivision.  i started the car and drove into the water.  3/10 of a mile from home i turned right 4/10s of a mile from the main road.

50 feet after my turn, i was following a larger SUV, i felt my tires lift off the road and i floated.  and i thought, “this is it, we’re all 4 going to die…right now.”  there is a large pond to my right a good 12-15 below the road but water was well over the tires of the ford expedition in front of me.  i knew we would drown.  if the car in front of me were a sedan, or if i were in a sedan, i don’t think i would have made it.

when i finally got to the main road i felt the tires grip the wet road.  2 miles away i got to briley and headed north.  i was headed to the river.  a half mile from the briley exit my car died.  it was a manual 5-speed and i kept it going another ½ mile.  now my car is dead, my house is under water, i’m a mile from the rapidly rising river.  it’s still raining. 

i couldn’t get through to my brother but i finally got daddy.  he called my brother to pick me up.  he was the only one that lived north and could get to me.  he was 40 miles away.  i was ready to die.  i was afraid that i wouldn’t be able to get out of the car when he came to get me.  i was afraid that we would all be dead.  i though about letting the animals out so they could find higher ground but i couldn’t move.  i just set with my phone in my hand and told the dogs and cat that we would be okay – never believing it.

an hour later he got there and i managed to transfer my few possessions to his car and make it to his house.  when i got there i realized i had no litter box, no toothbrush, no underwear, no corkscrew.  somehow i had the presence of mind to drive to wal-mart a few minutes before midnight and buy a few things.  i didn’t sleep at all and the next morning i saw my house on the news as a man in a boat took home video.  only boats could get in because the river was 5 days away from cresting.

this is what may 2 means to me.

(the red point on the map is pretty close to where my house is.  it’s just a little closer to the river.  this is no way across the river but to drive the 2 miles south to the nearest entrance to briley almost between the country club and park.)

grace and peace and prayers for today

 

 

 

 

how much more?

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart!  I have overcome the world."  John 16:33  (emphasis mine)

 

in times like these i know of nothing to do but be grateful that this world and it's pains are temporary.  i grieve, as the nation does, with the victims, families and survivors of the horrible shooting at a connecticut school on friday.  26 innocents shot down in a senseless act of aggression and evil. 

 

i know little of the man who perpetrated this act.  i don't want to know about him.  i want his name to be forgotten in all this and the names and lives of him victims to be remembered and celebrated.  he is not deserving of our attention.

 

yes,  i believe we need not only an open and realistic dialogue about guns but also about mental illness.  i know the guns he used were obtained legally by his mother - one of him many victims.  would stricter gun laws have kept them out of his hands - no.  but could stricter gun laws, a deeper understanding of mental illness, an end to the glorification of violence and saturated media coverage of these events make for fewer of these tragedies in the future - i think so.

 

there will never be an acceptable answer to why this happened.  no matter what we learn about the shooter's childhood, illness or personality will ever satisfy our pain.  as a Christian i continue to try and learn that the "why, God?" questions we have will probably never be answered on this fallen, sinful earth.  our human minds, brains and hearts can't process the evil of the world just like we can't always process the sheer and utter goodness of the world:  the teacher who shields students with their own mortal bodies, the soldier who walks into a firefight, the stranger who donates a kidney. etc. 

 

in the days to come as we are bombarded with news of funerals, protests, the 2nd amendment and the mentally ill let's NOT forget the 26 lives lost. that while the flags are at half-staff and we weep with these reminders let's not forget that for the families of the lost their pain, suffering and trauma is just beginning.  the flags will go back up, the holidays will come and go and all the victims will be stuck on dec. 14 for a long time!

 

we owe it to them and to ourselves to remember.

 

grace and peace

 

  

soapbox time

disclaimer:  this a political diatribe - feel free to not read, to disagree, to comment but know that it comes from a place of exhaustion and disgust at the tone of discourse these days.

 

on my way home from the grocery today i passed a tractor trailer with these words written into the dirt:  “vote God in and vote the devil out!” 

this made me so angry.  yes, i am a liberal democrat and an obama supporter but never, be it romney, mccain, or even bush would i call my political opponent’s agenda of the devil or imply that my candidate’s platform was of God.  if indeed that as the implication rather than calling the candidates themselves “God” and “devil.”

i am so tired of this argument:  this is a Christian nation!  and that the republican platform and their ridiculous family values agenda are more “Christian” than we democrats who are gay-loving, baby-killing, terrorist-appeasing, welfare-taking pinko commies. 

this nation was founded by a group of men who were the descendants of men and woman who came to this land so that they could worship who and how they chose to.  did most of the founding fathers believe in “God?”  YES.  But was it Christian God as we think of him?  NO.  was their belief in the divinity of Christ?  Mostly NO.  did they frame our laws based on Judeo-Christian principles?  YES.  But did they not make the First Amendment: “congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof...”  YES! 

our constitution doesn't mention God but it does say that the black man was 3/5 of a person.  abraham lincoln said, “the bible is not my book, nor Christianity my profession.”  see, he was a politician not a preacher.  we do not elect our representatives to impose or religious or moral beliefs on others.  we, as Christians, are to live out Christ on this earth.  ourselves. 

we all have to vote our conscience and i realize that there are many who don’t agree with me and will vote likewise.  i am a democrat and a Christian.  i believe the bible is the inspired word of God; that Jesus died for my sins and was resurrected and sits at the right hand of God.  i believe there is no way to the Father but through Him and we will all stand in judgment.  i just hope that i won’t have to answer for the disgusting vitriol that is spewed toward and from both sides of the aisle. 

when someone disagrees with me, i hope that i have the wherewithal to listen and disagree and go vote to cancel theirs out but that i will respect their opinion, their God, their church, or synagogue, or mosque, or temple, or cathedral and pray for them as my brother or sister and remember that we are all here to learn from one another and we WILL be judged on how we treat each other.

Teacher, what is the greatest commandment in the law?  Jesus replied, “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  this is the first and greatest commandment.  and the second is like it:  love your neighbor as yourself.  all the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments.”  Matthew 22:37-40  

grace and peace and harmony?   

"serenity NOW!"

"but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings as eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31

"...waiting is the hardest part."  tom petty

i'm struggling with two things in particular these last few days:  anger and impatience.  i'm angry at the world and impatient that it will not bend to my will. 

i'm nearly at the end of my rope and i see no safe place to land.  my money situation is growing dire and i seem no closer to a job or to school.  i may get my wish and be relieved of the burden of this house via foreclosure.  i cannot imagine that i'm here and yet i have only one more mortgage payment in the bank and that's it. 

i'm trying really hard to stay positive and tell myself that i am ready to go where God wants me to go and that if that means a job or school or a cardboard box that i will faithfully go. there is peace in that. 

some part of me, though, is afraid that the lack of concern i feel about the impending shift is just another form of denial.  i can no longer tell if my anxiety is protecting my brain from things it can't handle or if it's numbing me to the extent that i really don't care anymore what becomes of this situation.

i don't know how to change anything and i don't know how i will survive losing anything else.  i'm am truly lost.  i pray for patience, for relief, for help, for a loud and resounding command, for deliverance, for peace, for hope and for a pillar of cloud and a pillar of fire.  

grace and peace    



anger management, part II

"when angry count to ten before you speak.  if very angry, count to one hundred."  thomas jefferson

"when angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."  mark twain

good advice from both these great men!  while i'm sure they never could have imagined posting on blogs, facebook or twitter the advice holds true.  my struggle today is that i am angry and cannot determine why.  now, anger is a comfortable emotion for me and a good ol' stand-by response if there is little else to turn to.  i've tried as an adult to not resort to anger in every situation and to refrain from expressing it every time i feel it. 

i know some of the reasons for my anger today but this isn't the forum for working those out so i won't belabor the point.  one thing i am pleased with today is the weather--80 degrees and sunny.  heavenly!  one of the things i am angry about is that we are approaching the 2-year mark of the flood and it still rules my life.  i'm tired.  i'm tired of the fight and the mess and the fear.  i'm tired of the constant reminders, questions and invading memories.  i'm tired!

the constant anxiety i live with is exhausting.  the loss of the confident person i once was is a much more harrowing result than the loss of "stuff" and "material possessions" that people are always telling me i'm "lucky" to have "just lost."  as in:  "stuff can be replaced, at least you are okay."  "the house is finished and you've replaced your things." and "aren't you glad it's over and everything is back to normal?"  really?  nothing's over and nothing is back to normal.  invaluable things are gone that can never be replaced and everything i now own is a replacement for something that was ripped from me. 

the road is long and hard.  and i'm tired.  i'm almost 2 years removed and i'm still lost.  i'm still scared.  i'm still replacing things.  i'm still traumatized.  i still think of my life as "pre-flood" and "post-flood."  so those are a few of the things i'm angry about today. 

i need...

grace and peace 

anger management

"there was never an angry man that thought his anger unjust."  saint francis de sales

here's the only way i know how to do this...

things i'm angry at today:

1.  tornadoes,

2.  rush limbaugh,

3.  the tax assessor that keeps knocking on my door even though i won't let him in,

4.  gas prices,

5.  the IRS,

6.  my right ear,

7.  the dead mouse on my patio,

8.  my cat who killed said mouse,

9.  the frog that may or may not still be loose in my house,

10. my cat who brought in said frog (the same cat),

11. my dog for barking incessantly at my new cat (NOT the above-mentioned cat),

12. i forgot to buy butter,

13. i got lost again today,

14. despite the time i've recently spent exercising i'm still not losing any weight,

15. republicans,

16. the neighbor who insists on parking on the street instead of in her driveway,

17. my flood-damaged, mud-encrusted mailbox (which belongs to the home owner's association--not me),

18. my own fear that despite the warm winter we are having that a cold snap is just around the corner,

19. this house is a pigsty and yet i cannot make myself clean it,

20. my headaches are so bad that it's hard for me to read,

21. never being able to beat my brother at scrabble,

22. not being able to sleep,

23. PTSD,

24. the world.

grace and peace



practice what you preach

yesterday as i was driving home from a day of doctors and pharmacies and thoughts of being unemployed and uninsured i passed a church (let’s just say it was a Christian church and leave it at that) with a sign that announces the date and time and some bible verse, etc.  last night it said “if you don’t work, you don’t eat.”  no mention of the chapter and verse – just what felt like an accusation.  i know my bible and i know that this is paul in 2 Thessalonians 3:10 “for even when we were with you, we gave you this rule:  if a man will not work, he shall not eat.”  i will not interject a lot of scripture here but i will list a few regarding the poor, the hungry and the homeless for any who want to check them out. 

Matthew 25:35-46

Mark 10:21, 12:31, 12:41-44

Luke 9:58, 12:48, 14:12-14

I John 3:17 (this is the only one I will quote…) “if anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him how can the love of God be in him?”

as a smart, articulate, college-educated person i never thought that i would stand in a “free” clinic and tell the nurse that i am unemployed and uninsured and hand her $20 of my brother’s money to pay the co-pay.  nor did i imagine that i would again tell the pharmacist—“no, i don’t have any insurance” and, whether real or imagined, see judgment in the eyes looking back at me.  while i paid i was relieved that a check sent from my best friend will pay for my antibiotic. 

i lost my job due to an illness and a boss who ignored a letter from my doctor stating that i needed 5 days off.  after 4 days off with bronchitis and pneumonia i returned to work and was fired.  2 days later i lost my house, my car and all my possessions in a flood.  the first 6 months i helped rebuild this house with my bare hands.  over the next 16 months i have applied for 100+ jobs and sent resumes to nearly as many places and have had 2 interviews. at the end of both i was told that i am overqualified. 

there are many things that i don’t pretend to understand (i’ve never been married or divorced, i don’t have children, i’m not illiterate or homeless, i’ve not lost a parent or been seriously ill) so i don’t attempt to judge those things or pretend that i can fix them.  i am the child of divorce, i know what it’s like to graduate from college with $40,000.00 of debt, i know what being unemployed and uninsured mean, i know what it feels like to survive a natural disaster and i would like the same courtesy.  we each have our own burdens and none are to be taken lightly or dismissed.

the more i think about that sign the angrier i get.  to advertise that you, as a congregation, deign to understand what being homeless or hungry or out of work really feels like and really means in this day and age is condescending and uncaring.  are there people who abuse the system?  of course.  but there are many people like me…praying with all our hearts that we will be able to support ourselves without unemployment or any other “social program.”

Jesus said, “whatever you did for the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

grace and peace

d-day

i'm getting ready to leave for the family thanksgiving and i am NOT in a good place to do so.  my anxiety is through the roof this morning.  i love my family, each and every one, but dread interacting with the whole. 

i will not be asked about the flood and my recovery because it happened 18 months ago and to everyone but me--it's over.  i will be asked how the job search is going and i just can't stand the pat reply that i know i will give, "it's a hard market.  there's not much out there.  something will come!"  when what i want to say is "i've had 2 interviews in 18 months, this is the worst economy since the great depression, i am in no shape, mentally, to work right now but that i have no money left!!!!" 

i got a call when i was in the shower asking me to call over there before i leave the house--no doubt someone wants me to stop and pick something up.  i can't go in anywhere alone so now i have to either not call back and say i didn't get the message, call back and make an excuse because being too scared to go to the store to buy butter will not be understood (nor the fact that i have no money to do so!) or call my brother to take care of it for me.  i am thankful for my big brother! 

i'm a wreck and only want to crawl back into bed and hide!!  or get in the car and drive until i run out of gas and start over where ever i end up...

grace and peace and thanksgiving

i kinda hate to admit it but...

i'm angry today, very angry.  i have begun to feel extremely angry at the new residents in the neighborhood; those who did not live through the flood.  yes, they have bought homes in a flood zone, but they have new, updated, completed homes with no traumatic memories and no clue what the rest of us are still going through.  those of us recovering are living in the past and can see through our jaded, bloodshot eyes the world move on around us while we remain static.  it's as if our new neighbors are surrounded by force fields of seeming ease and comfort while we wrestle with ongoing construction, endless paperwork and the constant nervousness we feel in our own houses. 

tonight after i walked winston in my pajamas (with post-nap-not really a nap since i didn't sleep-don king hair) i stood talking to my next door neighbor for a few minutes.  we talked about the state of our houses, the foreclosure of the family across the street and the general anxiety of us all as we attempt to adjust to being people we don't want to be.  

the increased sleep i got last week as the result of my new medication has given way to restless, uncomfortable attempts this week.  my anxiety is up and my anger is off the charts.  it's supposed to rain tomorrow and i will try to "catch up" on sleep and get in to my new book (i made myself go out and pick up stephen king's new one today:  "11/22/63".)  i was out of the house not more than 75 minutes but it was exhausting and terrifying.  the bookstore (yes, my friends, we still have actual bookstores for the time being!) could have been on fire and stephen king himself could have checked me out and i wouldn't have noticed.  i have to get crazy "into the zone" before i can go anywhere by myself, so much so that i am unable to interact or remember any of it afterward.  

i do want to congratulate my best friend today for being cast as "kate" (the lead!) in shakespeare's "the taming of the shrew."  and congrats also to another dear friend for having her blog the learning hypothesis featured by a like-minded blogger and parent seeking to educate their kids (and all of us) through a hands-on, interactive, challenging curriculum.  i'm so proud of you both!

grace and peace (of which i am in particular need)