two peas in a pod

i spent a long time today talking to a wonderful lady about books and trauma and survival.  she lost everything in katrina in new orleans.  she talked, listened and understood.  it's invaluable to meet people who know what a loss like that means. 

 

for all my anxiety and panic, stress and fear i am grateful for days like today when all the pain and anger feel like they serve a purpose.  to have her come into the store and find what she was looking for and provide what i was looking for (a bit of peace) i feel humbled.

 

i also feel tired.  tired to the bone.  like i've had a marathon therapy session and now all i want to do is lie on the couch in the dark with the dog and listen to the rain.  i can't concentrate enough to enjoy the new episodes of TV (on the lone CBS station) and even though i am super excited about the new stephen king novel i have no hope of comprehending so i'll save it for tomorrow. 

grace and peace

 



and so it goes

for those of us with PTSD there is a new (30 years old now) therapy called EMDR  (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing).  it is supposed to help the right and left sides of the brain process trauma as a whole. 

 

when trauma happens the left side of the brain - the logical, linear, problem-solving side of the brain shuts down and the right side of the brain stores all the trauma.  the right side of the brain is the sights, sounds, feelings, reactions, memories, etc.  it takes on all the trauma but stores it in a fractious manner.  there is no ability for the PTSD affected brain to convince itself that the trauma happened yesterday, last week, last year or at age 5.  the right brain tells us that the trauma is happening NOW. 

 

EMDR is supposed to help transfer the trauma to the logical and chronological left side of the brain and help my right brain and my memories, my heart, my fight-or-flight-or-freeze response to be put into perspective.

 

i am TERRIFIED of this therapy.  i have to relive each moment of the trauma (in this case the flood - though i have had many traumas in my life) and work on moving it around inside my damaged, tired, scared and scarred brain. 

 

i have documented the losses of the flood for 3 years now.  there have been many more non-flood related losses as well.  a quick list:  a dog, an aunt, a cat, a grandfather, a great-aunt, a grandmother (7 days ago) my other, 96 year old grandmother, is in the hospital with pneumonia. 

 

EMDR can't do what it's supposed to do if the participant (patient - ME) is in the middle of a new lose or recent grief.  today i feel like i will never be at a time and place when there WON'T be a new loss.  i'm so tired of loss and grief and pain and fear.  it's the classic double edged sword or catch-22, whichever you prefer.  

 

RIP Elizabeth Ray Jackson Lowe Willis, my grandmother, who had much more trauma in her 87 years than i in my 39.  i love you!

grace and peace