R.I.P. maeve

the first snowflakes of the season are falling and i am faced with accepting that my cat, maeve, is gone.  i told myself i would hold out hope until mid-january and it seems like the time has come to finally let her go.  i don't know what happened to her.  i just hope she wasn't in pain at the end.  i miss her.  she was such a sweet girl. 

it is so hard to lose a pet.  i live alone accept for them and they are my greatest loves.  by design i am as close to a hermit as can be and go days/weeks with only my pets for company.  i believe that to have pets is to spoil pets and mine rule this house.  this is the third pet lost in the last 2 years.  i lost an 18 year old cat , maggie, right before the flood then i lost a 17 year old dog, sage, last spring.  both were old and sick and i had to make the decision to have them put to sleep.  that is a hard choice but the right one when the time comes.  this is worse--she was only 7 and i don't know what happened to her.

i feel guilty for leaving her out that night and i feel guilty that my emotions are so stunted (because of the PTSD, the anxiety, the medication, whatever) that i am unable to be as sad as i feel i should be.  the numbness that i live with is a defense mechanism but it is also an albatross.  i am no longer the person i was and i am unable to feel like i used to.  i wonder if that will ever come back?   

i know if she had been able to she would have come home.  i hope that she's been dead this whole time and not hurt or suffering somewhere. 

grace and peace



83...77...50...

no, this is not a math problem where i'm looking for the next number in the sequence; these are the high temperatures for the last 3 days in nashville.  as a person who thinks that the temperature should never be below 60 (for a low) i hate days/weeks like this.  if i weren't already sick to begin with i certainly would be now! 

50 degree days conjure up winter and all that i despise about it:  cold, pervasive darkness (the sun never shines here novemeber-february), snow (or rather frigid rain in this part of the country), cold, the holidays, months on end of mushy, soggy ground, the continuous fight to get winston to venture outside and the nerve-racking mewling from meave as she adjusts to only minutes outside (she would like to spend one out of every 10 outside expecting me to let her in/out at least 12 times every hour), cold, coats, gloves (i actually enjoy wearing scarves), etc...

i'm in a foul mood over it and am feeling very anxious.  i suppose i feel somewhat grateful that i am both unemployed and sick, therefore in no need to get out, as rain is coming and that will only make me worse.  i keep reminding myself that it will be in the 70s again by weeks end though that does little to comfort me today. 

happy 40th birthday to my big brother today!  i love you!

grace and peace