a decade beyond

ten years today since the flood.  it feels like a lifetime.  it also feels like one continuous event that has a definite beginnning but no discernible end.  

in light of the events of the last several weeks i find that some of the anxieties i haven't felt in a while are back:  the sensitivity to sirens, the disdain for filling out forms, AKA begging for money, (for unemployment, for a small business loan, for any and all help for which i'm eligible), and an overwhelming agoraphobia.

i've been behind the wheel of my car only 4 times in 6+ weeks.  three times i went to my bookstore (1 mile from my home) and once i went to get a COVID-19 test (about 10 miles roundtrip).  when i was sick i didn't have the energy to feel my anxiety but now that i'm symptom-free it's here with a vengeance.  just in time for this anniversary.  ugh.  i avoid social media and all local news on this day.  it helps.  i avoided a breakdown today until the 23rd hour.  

at 11:00 pm i happened upon a hill street blues rerun.  the music from the opening credits (if you're my age or older you know what i mean!) sent me into an emotional frenzy.  once the tears started to flow it took a while to get them to stop.  

i'm wrung out.  i do my best not to let the day get to me.  but my body knows and responds anyway.  it's a quarter till midnight.  i will watch for the clock to greet may 3 (my best friend's birthday) and i will fall into bed.

grace and peace and more peace, please          

      

i'm still here

well, i'm still here.  

it's been months since i've written.  the main reason for that is that i've been busy.  also, i took some months off from communication of any type unless it was absolutely necessary.  i've moved, i've moved the store, i'm preparing to move the store AGAIN!  

i've been feeling extra-anxious lately.  the new house (i'm renting a small house) has some moisture issues.  and now there's a hurricane and the resulting flooding in houston and all the thoughts, feelings and memories come rushing back (they are never gone) but seeing the pictures that i try very hard to avoid make it so much harder!

i'm very happy to report to that i'm moving the bookstore to a prime location (where the bookstore i used to manage was) and it should finally allow me to support myself living my dream.  there's some anxiety that goes along with that but i'm feeling positive about it overall.

can't explain how much i wish daddy were here to see all of this!  i miss him to my core.  the grief is terrible!

grace and peace

watch your mouth

just can't help but write about an interaction i had with a lady in the bookstore today.  she was talking to her friend and me about a trip she took and the friend asked, "when?"  she responded, "the same time as the nashville flood.  when was that?"  i said, "may, 2010" and she looked at me like i had 2 heads.  i said, "i lost everything in that flood."  she then looked at me with pity and said, "at least you were able to rebuild." 

now, how she knew i was able to rebuild and why she thought it was okay to assume such a thing is baffling.  i said, "it's only stuff, right?"  she quickly agreed and then sensed i was being facetious and added, "i'm sure it's more involved than that."  i replied, "if only it were as easy as replacing things."  she quickly went on with her story and talked about a few books, etc.

after she left i realized i was angry.  i've mentioned ad nauseam that the physical things aren't the hard things to replace.  i've not mourned one tangible thing i lost in the flood.  the things i mourn are intangible:  my safety, my sanity, my very self. 

the point of this post is a reminder that words matter!  please, if someone you know is going through something: something big, something small, something you've endured, something you find unimportant, please think before you speak!  the clichés:  "i know how you feel", "it's only stuff", "it'll get better", "you'll be fine", "they're in a better place" are unnecessary, unfeeling and sometimes downright untrue. 

if you don't know what to say, say, "i'm sorry."  simple.  say, "i don't know what to say, but i'm here for you."  perfect. 

more on words about grief tomorrow.

grace and peace

bankrupt

today was the "meeting of creditors" for my bankruptcy.  it took about 30 seconds.  i did have to watch a 12 minute video, answer about 6 "yes" or "no" questions and pay $7.00 for parking.  i only have a couple of creditors and no one expects to have a creditor show up.  none of mine did.  it's simple, really.

i have no embarrassment.  i only wish i had done it sooner.  i wish i knew the statistics (there really aren't any) about the number of natural disaster victims who file bankruptcy.  there appears to always be a spike in areas affected by disaster but because the filings take place over such a long period of time it's hard to quantify.  it took me more than 6 years. 

i bought the house in 2005.  in 2010 i had a good job, i didn't make a lot of money but i made enough.  the flood came and i lost it all:  job, car, house and everything in it.  i got some FEMA money but it just scratched the surface.  i did not live in flood zone so i had no flood insurance.  home owner's insurance not only denied a claim but cancelled my policy. 

i spent upwards of $65,000 (most of which was borrowed) to rebuild a house i despised.  i had nowhere else to go so i did what i had to do.  i got a lot of help from family, church and friends but it was just a drop in the bucket. 

i worked 12-16 hours a day for 5 months to rebuild.  i was diagnosed with PTSD and suffered from debilitating agoraphobia (i was terrified to leave the very house that i hated.)  something that still rears it's ugly head more often that i like to talk about.  i was out of work for more than 2 years.

when i went back to work i made less than half my pre-flood salary.  now, i work 3 jobs and make less still.  for the last 4 years i have been spending more than 50% of my income on the mortgage.  when daddy died i decided to quit.  i filed bankruptcy shortly thereafter and left that house behind. 

i'm blessed enough to have access to a family home that was sitting empty afer it was left to my mother by her aunt.  i live here now and while it's hard to get over the feeling that i live in somebody else's house it's far and away an improvement.  i live far away from all 3 jobs so i spend a lot of time in the car and a lot of money on gas but, right now, it's worth it. 

i still have school loans that i will owe the rest of my natural life (those, of course, aren't dischargeable.)  other than that i have a clean slate.  the mortgage company will apparently give the option to sign over the deed to avoid a foreclosure.  i will take them up on it.  i can't wait for the day i can honestly say that i no longer "own" that awful house.  for the time being it's still mine but i'm under no obligation to pay anything.  i've officially "surrendered" the property.

i wish daddy were here to talk to about this.

grace and peace

catching up

haven't felt like writing for a while.  life is exponentially different these days. 

my wonderful daddy died in april.  for so long my life has been defined by "before the flood" and "after the flood" but now it's "before daddy got sick" and "after daddy got sick."  he was the most important person in my life.  having him gone has opened a whole in my heart that can't be closed. 

he went to the ER on august 20, 2015 and was diagnosed with lung cancer before that day was done.  he lived 8 months.  they were a hard but wonderful 8 months.  i miss him every minute of every day! 

since then i've undergone many a change.  i opened a business (a used bookstore) i moved, i filed bankruptcy, i started a new job, i asked God to let me go to heaven to be with daddy, i asked him to have my business succeed, i asked him to show me how to live a life without daddy on this earth.  i seem to ask him something new everyday but as long as i'm talking to him i have faith that he will provide.

i don't know what life is supposed to be.  is it supposed to be a series of traumas to survive?  is it supposed to be a choice between the lesser of two evils?  is it supposed to be pain on top of pain?  i don't know.  i know that scripture tells us that hard times WILL come.  we aren't supposed to go through life pampered and pain-free.  the pain that comes is supposed to test us and make us rely on God.  i hope that i've done that. 

i know my faith is strong.  i know my daddy would want me to keep going.  i know that i will.

grace and peace.

6 years and counting

today is the 6th anniversary of the flood.  the day that changed my life beyond compare.  the day that i morphed into a jumpy, scared, fundamentally anxious ball of nerves.

today is worse in that daddy isn't here to comfort me.  i haven't been able to blog about the loss of my dear, sweet father - he's been gone less than 3 weeks.

i'm 2 days away from opening my own business, the dream of my lifetime, and he's not here to share that day either.  he was able to see the store and participate in the planning and the preparation.  last may 2 he came to my work to visit and check on me.  i faced today without him and it HURTS!

i'm tired and anxious and weepy.  i have lots of last minute things to do tomorrow and i just want to hide.  i want to stop, to shut down to hibernate. 

i want my daddy!

5 years gone

imagine with me, if you will, something significant that happened to you in 2010:  a special birthday, an anniversary, a birth, death, a book you read, a movie you love; imagine all that's happened to you since then.  now imagine that every day of that time - since that one special day or one memorable event - you have had to relive not that special event but the worst thing that's ever happened to you.  for 5 years every day has been a constant reminder of the worst time in your life.

 

that's the only way i realistically know how to convey what PTSD feels like.  PTSD steals your life, it steals who you are and keeps your brain stuck in the most terrible of moments.  intellectually i know it's 2015 and not 2010 but you can't convince my heart or my gut of that. 

 

may 2 is the hardest day of the year for me in that the calendar is in line with my memory and my emotions.  it's about SO much more that one, long ago, may 2.  the date conjures the aftermath as well as the events of the actual flood.  it's not just the driving through water in my neighborhood and accepting that i would die or sitting on the side of briley parkway waiting to die after my car quit.  it's the shock, the visual of all my soaked belongings piled in my front yard, the cuts, bruises, scrapes, sore muscles, tears, rages, standing in line for 5 hours for a building permit, having to take daddy with me for a tetanus shot, the aches, pains, fears, the begging for money, the paperwork, the 16 hour days rebuilding, the many hours at lowes, the decisions, the  aloneness, the helplessness, the bills, bills and more bills.  

 

i didn't just lose 36 years of things - i lost the things that really matter:  peace, security, comfort, HOME.  i lost returning home at the end of the day to the one place that brings respite.  i don't have that anymore.  5 years later it's still missing.  

 

today i acknowledge and mourn the lives that were lost.  i made it out with my pets and for that i am eternally grateful.  11 lives were lost.  i'm glad i don't know the number of animals lost.

 

i am grateful i had a job to go to today (though i cried for a good deal of the day), i am grateful daddy came to check on me, i am grateful yesterday was payday so i could go to the bookstore after work (today is independent bookstore day - I won't tell how much i spent), i am grateful the pets are safe and happy.  i am grateful that the day is almost over, i am grateful tomorrow i celebrate the birthday of one of my dearest, i am grateful for all i have.  i pray that i never take one single article for granted.

 

don't get PTSD.  it's not worth it.  it hurts.

 

grace and peace.    

four and counting

here's the only way i know to describe it:

 

4 years ago tonight i feel as if i was diagnosed with a terminal disease that won't kill me.  i feel like i've just been waiting to die.  not constantly fearing my death - i have a great faith and believe in Heaven and believe 100% that i will spend eternity there - it's a waiting.

 

as if my car tires lifted off the ground as i drove through the raging water and, 4 years later, they have yet to touch ground.  so much of me died that day:  who i was, who i thought i was, my belief in my future, my belief in myself, my sense of safety and security, my fearlessness, my self-assuredness, my ease. 

 

now i'm 4 years removed and it feels as if it's all happening RIGHT NOW!  they describe PTSD as the brain "shutting down" to protect itself therefore keeping itself in the HERE and not allowing it to process memories as the PAST.  so here i am.

 

i'm grateful that i have a have a job to go to - that part of the day passed without fanfare.  now i'm home and the tears won't stop, my heart won't stop pounding, i can't stop pacing, i can't eat, i didn't sleep at all last night.  i don't hold out much hope for tonight.  i wish i were a person who could just let anniversaries pass without dwelling on them but i'm not that person.  i feel them.  i REALLY feel them.

 

3 1/2 years of anxiety (the anxiety didn't start until i moved back into the house in october 2010) and i feel like i'm just waiting to die.  waiting.  to.  die. 

 

it's not a good feeling, it's not a normal feeling, it's just what i feel.  i am grateful for a good many things:  it didn't rain today, i have a good job that i love, i came home to my sweet pets, i have the weekend to process and (hopefully) relax.  i have friends who know EXACTLY what i'm going through because it happened to them too, i have a God who is bigger than my anxiety and i didn't die in the flood (some people did!)

 

grace and peace

 

  

margaritaville for the anxious

friday - i stood outside talking with a neighbor while walking winston before work.  it took no time at all before we began to talk about the flood and the long and difficult aftermath which we continue to live every day.  we talked about our desires to walk away from these houses and live in tiny one-bedroom apartments or caves or cars or anything but these houses that we hate.  i think it's impossible to ever feel better while having to live here.  i'm here.  i'm not going anywhere.  the house is worth so much less than i owe and SO much less than it was worth.  it's just my reality but it's a hard one to accept.

 

saturday - the day i have looked forward to and dreaded for several weeks.  lunch with friends.  at a restaurant!  without one of my 2 "safe people" kelly or kim.  the friends i was meeting today i have known for more than a decade and i love all 4 of them.  but it's me, out in public, vulnerable and afraid.  i couldn't sleep, i wanted to cancel, i took a long time to get ready, i forgot my cell phone!  

 

i spent the whole trip to the restaurant trying to remember my friends cell phone numbers in case i had to find a way to call (either from work close by or from the CVS which is my only pre-approved place within spittin' distance.)  my fear was that if i got there and couldn't go in i couldn't call to explain or call to have one of them come out and help me in.  my anxiety keeps me from being able to enter places alone or even enter them at all if circumstances seem dangerous. 

 

i parked and was able to sprint to the entrance as 2 of them walked in.  whew!  i made it.  i was a wreck and immediately drank a glass of water to help me breathe.  my friends understand!  by the time my other 2 friend arrived i was feeling a bit better.  by the time the food and our margaritas got to the table i calmed down.  i had a great time but the first second i sat down in the car i said aloud, "i'm glad that's over!  i had a good time but i'm SO glad it's over." 

 

it still amazes me that something so "easy" for others to do (and easy for me 4+ years ago) is SO HARD (sometimes literally impossible) for me now.  i got almost home before the panic attack set in.  it lasted a good long while.  now i feel rode hard and put up wet.  can't wait to lie down.  think i'll turn the computer off and put a funny movie on.

 

love to my friend who buried a young cousin today.  i can't imagine that pain.  i love you!

(just for clarification - my giving up restaurant food for lent was not meant to include all restaurant food.  it was my thought that i would not get eat outside food when i had the option of cooking or making meals myself but that i would allow myself to actually go out to eat with other people.  during lent i have eaten 3 meals that i didn't cook for myself:  today and one each with my "safe people" mentioned above.)

 

grace and peace

 

 

the princess and the pea

a little more than three years ago when i moved back into this house after the flood i moved in a set of $25 mattresses that my mother bought at a yard sale.  i've slept on them nearly every night and EVERY night that i slept on them i was reminded that they weren't MINE.  they didn't feel like mine, they didn't sleep like mine, they weren't mine.

 

the first thing i wanted to do with a little money from my grandmother's estate was buy new mattresses.  i did.  my mother had to go shopping with me and daddy had to be here today as they were delivered but tonight i will sleep on MY OWN MATTRESSES!

 

nearly 3 1/2 years since the flood and things are still undone, in disrepair, unpainted, neglected and downright ignored but this one little thing is a BIG thing.  i spend so much time bemoaning the fact that everything i own is a replacement for something i lost and while that is true and disconcerting i hope i will not feel that way when i lie down tonight.  it's gonna get cold tonight and the dog and cats and i are gonna pile up in our new bed and start a new book. 

 

grace and peace

two peas in a pod

i spent a long time today talking to a wonderful lady about books and trauma and survival.  she lost everything in katrina in new orleans.  she talked, listened and understood.  it's invaluable to meet people who know what a loss like that means. 

 

for all my anxiety and panic, stress and fear i am grateful for days like today when all the pain and anger feel like they serve a purpose.  to have her come into the store and find what she was looking for and provide what i was looking for (a bit of peace) i feel humbled.

 

i also feel tired.  tired to the bone.  like i've had a marathon therapy session and now all i want to do is lie on the couch in the dark with the dog and listen to the rain.  i can't concentrate enough to enjoy the new episodes of TV (on the lone CBS station) and even though i am super excited about the new stephen king novel i have no hope of comprehending so i'll save it for tomorrow. 

grace and peace

 



and so it goes

for those of us with PTSD there is a new (30 years old now) therapy called EMDR  (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing).  it is supposed to help the right and left sides of the brain process trauma as a whole. 

 

when trauma happens the left side of the brain - the logical, linear, problem-solving side of the brain shuts down and the right side of the brain stores all the trauma.  the right side of the brain is the sights, sounds, feelings, reactions, memories, etc.  it takes on all the trauma but stores it in a fractious manner.  there is no ability for the PTSD affected brain to convince itself that the trauma happened yesterday, last week, last year or at age 5.  the right brain tells us that the trauma is happening NOW. 

 

EMDR is supposed to help transfer the trauma to the logical and chronological left side of the brain and help my right brain and my memories, my heart, my fight-or-flight-or-freeze response to be put into perspective.

 

i am TERRIFIED of this therapy.  i have to relive each moment of the trauma (in this case the flood - though i have had many traumas in my life) and work on moving it around inside my damaged, tired, scared and scarred brain. 

 

i have documented the losses of the flood for 3 years now.  there have been many more non-flood related losses as well.  a quick list:  a dog, an aunt, a cat, a grandfather, a great-aunt, a grandmother (7 days ago) my other, 96 year old grandmother, is in the hospital with pneumonia. 

 

EMDR can't do what it's supposed to do if the participant (patient - ME) is in the middle of a new lose or recent grief.  today i feel like i will never be at a time and place when there WON'T be a new loss.  i'm so tired of loss and grief and pain and fear.  it's the classic double edged sword or catch-22, whichever you prefer.  

 

RIP Elizabeth Ray Jackson Lowe Willis, my grandmother, who had much more trauma in her 87 years than i in my 39.  i love you!

grace and peace

breathe in, breathe out

my anxiety is through the roof.  last night i worried all night that someone would break into the bookstore and steal orson the cat.  no one did, but that didn't keep me from worrying all night about it.  tonight i had to go the CVS (one of 2 pre-approved places that i can shop - the other being trader joe's) and the lady that is usually at the check-out went on break while i was shopping and i couldn't check out because i didn't know the guy behind the counter.  i had to stay an extra 20 minutes, and spend an extra $20, until my normal lady got off break. 

 

i finally realized once i got home tonight that my heightened anxiety has been present since the day that there was flooding in nashville a couple of weeks ago.  i've got a call in to my psychiatrist to talk about my meds but i haven't heard anything yet. 

 

i was talking to someone about PTSD today and i got anxious all over again about the fact that it doesn't go away but that those of us afflicted have to learn how to live with it instead of how to cure it.  that's anathema to me.  i want it gone and cured and in my past not just "managed!"  it's such a hard thing to accept.

 

my therapy is progressing but i always feel like it's one step forward and two steps back.  i guess that's normal.  i don't know.  i don't know much right now. 

 

grace and peace  

enough's enough!

for a flood victim this much rain is scary.  it's not supposed to be rainy like this in august.  january, yes, but not august.  my anxious mind and heart can't take much more.  the sun peaked out for a few minutes today but it wasn't enough.

 

the flooding is supposed to continue in the area and, though i don't believe i am in any danger, it means that i can't turn on the TV (the one channel that i have) and i can't escape the panic that i feel on a nearly-continuous basis. 

 

the last few days have taken a toll and i feel less like myself than ever.  that's saying something.  it causes me to believe that i will never get better, never put this behind me, never NOT be a victim.  i'm so tired. 

 

i hear the rain on the skylight as i type this and feel my heart racing to match the cacophony.  it hurts. 

 

i had errands to run today before work and i have more tomorrow.  i think i'll try to get in bed early and pray for sleep or at least rest.

 

grace and peace 

when it rains it SUCKS!

here's how many times i DIDN'T think of the flood today:

 

1.  i DIDN'T think of the flood when i got to work this morning and there was half of a wet ceiling tile on the floor and dozens of books ruined.

 

2.  i DIDN'T think of the flood when i had my first asthma attack of the day after trying to ascertain which books needed to be removed from the shelves.

 

3.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as i took pictures for the inevitable insurance claim.

 

4.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as clouds moved in and the sky grew heavy.

 

5.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as the rain fell.

 

6.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as a generous employee of a neighboring business helped me pull dry books off the shelves into boxes and garbage bags.

 

7.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as the water pooled at my feet.

 

8.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as i talked on the phone to the owner of the bookstore.

 

9.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as ceiling tiles fell around me.

 

i DID think of the flood as i contemplated someone (anyone but me) pulling all the wet books off the shelves and dragging them to the dumpster. 

 

i have thought of nothing else.

 

i filed the insurance claim and arranged a crew to come start the clean-up TOMORROW when i'm not there.  

 

i cannot let the bookstore, my "safe place," become bogged down in memories of wet, smelly, belongings that are precious and ruined.

 

here's hoping i'm able to actually do that.

 

grace and peace

 

 

 

 

 

this is how it really happened

i’ve been asked by several people who read this blog to give an account of the day of the flood.  since today is the 3^rd anniversary i thought i’d try.

i’ll go back a day to saturday, may 1, 2010.  i had just been fired on friday for missing 4 days of work, with a doctor’s note, with bronchitis and pneumonia.  i spent the day on the couch angry and sick.  it rained all day.  HARD.  I-40 east was closed (one route to my aunt and uncles.)

i slept little the night of saturday-sunday.  it rained all night.

i got up before 6 a.m. on sunday morning and knew right away i wouldn’t try to get out for church.  still raining and i felt awful.  power was on and off all day.  i walked the dogs at about 9 a.m. for 10 minutes when the rain let up and talked to some neighbors.  i found that mcgavock was now closed.  there are 2 roads in and out of my neighborhood:  mcgavock and briley.  with mcgavock closed that eliminated my aunt and uncles house to the east and one of the routes south to daddy’s.

the rain continued, i struggled to breathe and thought about where to apply for a job.  outside my backyard fence there is a hill 10-12 feet down that leads to a common area about the size of a football field where our dogs can run without leashes.  in the center of this space there is a slight dip about a foot deep and 30 feet across.  by midday there was water in the hole.  every half hour i went out to look.  it never changed. 

3 p.m. i went out again to walk the dogs (my golden retriever and my pug.)  i learned then that briley parkway was closed, both north and south.  i was officially stuck.  no way out.  daddy lives south, mama west and my brother, north.  no matter – no way out.

no satellite, no power, no way out.

i was getting calls on my cell phone every hour by most family members telling me to leave.  leave?  how?

by 7 p.m. there was no change.  still raining, no power, roads closed, cell phone battery dying, frantic calls.  i, with pneumonia, laid on the couch for lack of anything to do, and slept for 45 minutes.  when i woke i went out back to check and there was water a foot from my fence.  i called my brother and told him i was leaving.  the only thing i could think to do was drive 2 miles to the end of the main road where there is a church on a hill.  almost 2 miles from the river.  oh, i live yards from the river.  the cumberland.  it is just behind the football-size common area behind the house. 

it’s about 8 p.m. now - i grabbed a bag, put in a pair of shorts, a t-shirt, my cell phone, 4 or 5 bibles, my purse and put those in small SUV, a kia sportage.  i got the 2 dog beds, the dog food, the cat food and loaded them, loaded the dogs, went back in one more time for the cat and the one bottle of unopened red wine.  i spoke to a few neighbors and asked where they were going.  everyone was headed to the church.  water was pouring into my street to my right (i’m the 3^rd house on the street.)  it was 2 houses away.  a man in a canoe with a bullhorn was telling us to evacuate:  “you MUST evacuate, it’s a matter of minutes, briley parkway north will be open by the time you get there! EVACUATE!”  water was 4 houses away to my left (now my only way out of the subdivision.  i started the car and drove into the water.  3/10 of a mile from home i turned right 4/10s of a mile from the main road.

50 feet after my turn, i was following a larger SUV, i felt my tires lift off the road and i floated.  and i thought, “this is it, we’re all 4 going to die…right now.”  there is a large pond to my right a good 12-15 below the road but water was well over the tires of the ford expedition in front of me.  i knew we would drown.  if the car in front of me were a sedan, or if i were in a sedan, i don’t think i would have made it.

when i finally got to the main road i felt the tires grip the wet road.  2 miles away i got to briley and headed north.  i was headed to the river.  a half mile from the briley exit my car died.  it was a manual 5-speed and i kept it going another ½ mile.  now my car is dead, my house is under water, i’m a mile from the rapidly rising river.  it’s still raining. 

i couldn’t get through to my brother but i finally got daddy.  he called my brother to pick me up.  he was the only one that lived north and could get to me.  he was 40 miles away.  i was ready to die.  i was afraid that i wouldn’t be able to get out of the car when he came to get me.  i was afraid that we would all be dead.  i though about letting the animals out so they could find higher ground but i couldn’t move.  i just set with my phone in my hand and told the dogs and cat that we would be okay – never believing it.

an hour later he got there and i managed to transfer my few possessions to his car and make it to his house.  when i got there i realized i had no litter box, no toothbrush, no underwear, no corkscrew.  somehow i had the presence of mind to drive to wal-mart a few minutes before midnight and buy a few things.  i didn’t sleep at all and the next morning i saw my house on the news as a man in a boat took home video.  only boats could get in because the river was 5 days away from cresting.

this is what may 2 means to me.

(the red point on the map is pretty close to where my house is.  it’s just a little closer to the river.  this is no way across the river but to drive the 2 miles south to the nearest entrance to briley almost between the country club and park.)

grace and peace and prayers for today

 

 

 

 

beginning of a hard week

it rained all day yesterday.  it rained all night.  thursday is may 2:  3 years since the flood.  i walked this floor yesterday as if i were gonna have to swim my way out.  talk of flood watches and warnings abounded - my anxiety skyrocketed.  

 

sleep was hard in coming.  i managed an hour or so after the rain finally stopped.  today i'm so tired that i cannot see or think straight.  i finally made it to the kitchen to cook supper where i unloaded the dishwasher and put a load of towels in the washing machine.  

 

now i'm waiting for time to go to bed.  i can't go before 12 or so because i will be up at 3 or 4 otherwise.  i remember what i cooked and ate for supper - pasta.  i remember most of what i read today (probably only because it's one of the best writers ever - larry mcmurtry.)  now i'm having a really hard time remembering if i took a shower or not.  i've washed all the towels so i can't judge. 

 

when my anxiety is this intense i lose time and i have a hard time remembering very basic things.  i hate the way it feels.  i feel crazy and lost.  i don't think we're due any more rain for a few days so that should help a little but may 2 looms...

 

grace and peace

in the dark

because i'm tired i'm just going to share what i posted on facebook today...

 

"recovering from 2 days with no electricity.  hopefully it will be on when i get home.  i spent a very cold night (46 degrees in the house.)  i made it 2 1/2 years past the flood to actually have something turned off for non-payment.  actually that's not true, i've had my internet turned off a couple of times and i think my cell phone once.  anyway, as i was piled under a sheet and 5 blankets of various thickness and warmth, a pug and one of my 2 cats, reading my book by flashlight i thought how LITTLE it bothered me.  something that would have mortified me and been a HUGE inconvenience just a few years ago seemed like only a minor bump in the VERY bumpy road that i've been on since may, 2010.  save for the best daddy in the world i would be in the dark (literally) until friday, payday.  prayers appreciated while i continue to climb this mountain."

 

"here's hoping that sunday's leftover pasta that's been sitting in an increasingly warm refrigerator for the last 48 hours doesn't make me sick."

 

welcome to post-flood life:  unpaid bills, apathy and the aftermath!

 

grace and peace and electricity!

left behind

i'm behind...behind on writing the blog, behind on my diet, behind on my bills, behind on writing the book, behind on everything.  it's not a new condition - i just thought i'd mention it. 

 

thanksgiving has come and gone and now i'm on the anti-Christmas warpath.  i give praise for the birth of Jesus but i despise what the "holiday" has become.  the consumerism disgusts me.  in my opinion, such as it is, we should aspire to want less stuff not more.  and this is not a post-flood "everything could be gone tomorrow" outlook.  i've been screaming this for 10 years or more.

 

yes, i do think that i've become even more outraged since the flood when i struggle every month to pay the bills (keep in mind most of them aren't paid) and yet continue to hear, "my family has a $50 limit for gifts."  guess what $50 could buy for me?  pet food for the month or gas for the month or my reduced school loan payment.  it's hard.  everything is hard!

 

i'm so tired of living this post-flood, hyper-vigilant, hourly-wage, no health insurance life.  i'm still waiting (2 weeks now) for my inhaler to combat my asthma but the red tape and phone calls and begging for generics, etc. is exhausting and demoralizing.  i have a college degree and i can navigate all this but i feel for those people who don't have the wherewithal to stand up for themselves and accept the first "no" they hear and do without.  this is a hard world for the poor and uninsured.

 

i'm as tired of dealing with this post-flood life as i've ever been.  i'm a different person while nothing around me is different.  things continue on and yet i stay the scared, shocked, angry, exhausted person i've been since may 2, 2010.  2 1/2 years of my life is gone and i have very few memories and even fewer memorable moments to cling to. 

 

i will keep on keeping on for lack of an alternative but i will do it while NOT observing Christmas. 

 

grace and peace



2 years gone

#s since the flood...

# of years: 2

# of months: 24

# of weeks: 104

# of days: 731

# of hours: 17,544

# of minutes:  1,052,640

# of minutes i feel removed from the flood: 0

# of bills to be paid in may: 10

# of bills which will be paid via automatic withdrawal: 2

($72 car insurance, $8 netflix-which i only have because i don't have a television)

# of dollars left in checking account come may 5: $5.00

# of panic attacks: innumerable

# of new prescription medications i now take: 3

# of medicines i tried before i settled on the current cocktail: 5

# of days remaining before I run out of meds: 1

# of doors left to hang: 6

# of friends who have not spoken to me since the flood: 2

# of friends who have stopped taking my calls: 4

# of resumes sent: 187

# of job interviews: 5

# of books read: 147

# of pages written: 169

# of pets lost since the flood: 2 (sage and maeve)

# of pets adopted since the flood: 2 (kentucky and moxie)

# of pets in need of flea and tick meds: 3

# of $ needed to buy said meds: $50.00

# of days until we run out of pet food:  approx. 4


# of days feeling safe in my own house: 0

# of houses on my street alone that are abandoned: 5

# of $ still promised me by metro: $412.00

# of $ they want me to spend in order to receive $412: $879.00

# of neighbors fired post-flood: 5 that I know of

# of houses foreclosed on: 3 that I know of

# of neighbors that feel "back to normal": 0 that I know of

today i hightailed it to my brother's house so i wouldn't have to be here on the 2 year anniversary of the flood.  his kids always make me feel better, even today.  i vowed not to return until well after dark so i could justify just going to bed--which i am about to do.  i wanted to acknowledge some of the above numbers that are ruling my thoughts these days.  

i can't get my mind around these stats.  i now wonder how long my electricity and my water will stay on once i stop paying.  i wonder how many of my creditors have my home #--since i'm about to have to turn off my home phone.  i wonder how i'm going to at least buy pet food and hopefully get my car payment and cell phone bill paid each month so at least i won't lose everything all over again.  i'm resolved if i lose the house--it's not a big loss to me now.  i hate this house but i don't want to be totally helpless (carless and phoneless.)

i pray everyday that i will get a job and won't have to lose anything but it would be crazy at this point not to acknowledge that i am just a few months from foreclosure.  a few months from bankruptcy.  i can't solve any of it tonight so i'm off to bed.  "after all...tomorrow is another day."

and i could really use a may 3rd as i feel like i've been living may 2, 2010 for 2 straight years!

grace and peace