laughter is the best medicine

"dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which i guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."  deep thoughts by jack handey

i spent today at my brother's house with the family.  i laughed hard, more than once, at my hilarious niece and nephew.  those kids are too funny.  they are quirky and smart, sarcastic and lovely.  they love me no matter what; no matter how misanthropic and introverted i can be.  i laugh so rarely now that it's a shock to my system.  it feels unnatural even as it's happening.  what a shame!  i hope that one day laughter will be a normal part of my life again and not just an anomaly.  

we watched hours of french open tennis until we turned it to stanley cup hockey.  i learned of many things that i've missed out on because of my lack of TV:  a new 'batman,' a new 'men in black,' a new 'spiderman?'  i had no idea.  just another reminder of how disconnected i am from the world around me.  

my niece made it clear that she would not be spending any time with me over the summer.  her reasoning:  no TV, no meat (i'm a vegetarian) and no sweets.  not for her, she said; i'm boring and weird.  she can't imagine how hard these last 2 years have been and the toll that they've taken.  i hope she never knows.

in the house full of activity, talk, TV, laughing, singing, yelling and fighting i, at times, felt very nervous and overwhelmed.  i don't realize the level of quiet to which i have become accustomed.  i wouldn't trade these days with them for anything though.  when i have a job and am able to see them less i will ache for these days of their childhood spent basking in the light and ease of summer.

this one's for you mackenzie and ben.  i love you!

grace and peace        



28 hours

this week i have become fixated on the number of hours i'm sleeping (or not sleeping.)  since last sunday i've slept 28 hours.  granted an average of 4 hours a night is not abnormal for me but my obsession with it is new.  i cannot get it out of my anxious mind.  when i think about the 8 hours of recommended sleep, 56 hours a week, and realize that i've gotten 1/2 that i feel panicky.  i think that if i were only getting 1/2 the recommended meals per week, or 10.5 meals instead of 21, that i would be concerned for my welfare.  i've had some lost time this week and i know it's because i'm sleep- deprived.  i'm also still sick and know it's for the same reason.

i go back to the doctor tomorrow and am fearful that i will once again be on the medication merry-go-round.  i have no energy at all, the house is a nightmare, i have a serious headache (at least we have food because i would not feel safe driving.)  the plan for today is rest (if not sleep), charlie chaplin movies and a stephen king novel (if my headache lets up enough to allow me to read.)

my brother took my niece and nephew to a hockey game last night so i will have to work up the energy to talk to them about it and hear all their halloween preparations.  i wonder what i'm going to do to avoid halloween festivities tomorrow?  i usually go to a movie but my anxiety doesn't allow that these days.

grace and peace

much ado about tom

"you know you've read a good book when you turn the last page and feel a little as if you have lost a friend."  paul sweeney

"books!  i dunno if i ever told you this, but books are the greatest gift one person can give another."  bono

a symptom of PTSD is numbness; the feeling that emotions have been turned off.  i remain shocked at the level to which i have protected myself in this way.  i am still concerned with my inability to cry.  i've not been crying today but i have certainly felt sad.  what's surprising to me is that this sadness is unrelated to the flood and/or my anxiety but because i am in mourning over a book.  that's right, a book.

i read the fifth and final "ripley" book this week-"ripley under water" by patricia highsmith.  the first book, "the talented mr. ripley," was a birthday gift a few years ago from a dear friend, fellow bibliophile and flood victim (bono would approve!)  while acknowledging tom ripley as a complete and utter psychopath; we love him.  we love his french home, his espresso drinking, his gardening, his harpsichord.  

i had the same sense of loss upon finishing the 7 "harry potter" novels and the 7 "dark tower" novels by stephen king.  yes, the two latter series i've read more than once, as i'm sure i will the "ripley" novels, but there is nothing like reading a book the first time.  i experience the same feeling of loss at the end of the hockey season!       

what has sent me spinning today is that i feel more "emotional" over this book than i feel over the loss of nearly all my belongings.  knowing that only makes me feel as if i should feel more.  yet i don't feel anything at all.  i'm disconnected.  i suppose it's easier to be morose over a fictional character than to give in to the real-life things i need to mourn.  i know it's a way of avoiding the inevitable.  and that the avoiding cannot go on forever.

grace and peace and books  

R.I.P lokomotiv yaroslavl

i feel that i have made some poor choices today which have increased my anxiety to a near-unbearable level.  i'm struggling now with what to do to calm myself down; writing seems the best, in fact, it seems the only option. 

my anxiety is usually worse in the morning hours and decreases toward nightfall, however, tonight i have spent the better part of the evening in 2 pursuits which have kept that from happening.  firstly, i've read nearly everything i can find on-line about the tragic plane crash in russia today killing a KHL russian hockey team.  i am a huge hockey fan and this hit me and the hockey world hard.  43 lives lost and 43+ families devastated, not to mention players, fans, and hockey organizations around the globe.  some of the players were well-known NHL stars and some were players that i've never heard of, but i mourn them all.  they were on their way to the first game of the season.  how. very. sad.  i pray that their families and friends find comfort.

my next mistake was certainly less devastating in that it does not involve real-life, but it was anxiety-inducing to me nonetheless.  i watched part 3 (of 4) of the "lonesome dove" mini-series.  i've seen it before (years ago) and read the book (not too long ago-please read this book, it is phenomenal!) but was unprepared for this leg of the drive and now live in mortal fear of watching part 4 before saturday night when it expires on netflix instant play.  i HAVE to watch it yet i know that for my mental stability i shouldn't.  why do i do these things to myself when i know i'm not in shape to handle them?  human nature? stupidity? masochism?  WHAT?!

i continue to be surprised at my reaction to certain things and my out and out indifference to others.  intellectually i know a lot of things, emotionally i am a blank slate. 

grace and peace and love