season 4

what i should do tomorrow:  fill up my gas tank, go to church, go put in an hour of work on the store bank accounts, wash my car, give winston a bath, trim the holly bushes in the front yard, wash at least 2 loads of laundry, fold the clean clothes that are sitting in a pile on the dryer (don't judge - i'm not the only one!), cook pasta for supper (enough for leftovers for a few nights), run the dishwasher, change my sheets and try for a good night's sleep. 

 

what i will probably do:  watch "arrested development."

 

no doubt what i'll be saying on monday morning, "i've made a huge mistake."

 

grace and peace (and much needed laughter)



maximum capacity

i've begun to wonder if there will come a point when my ability to feel loss will cease to exist.  can i shut down any more than i already have?  i've lived a life of numbness - will it always be this way?

 

in 3 years i've lost a job, a house, a car, all my belongings, a dog, 2 cats, an aunt, a grandfather, a great-aunt, my safety, my sanity, my will, my independence, my security, my figure, my new man, most of my friends, my energy, my interests, myself.

 

the losses keep coming and i keep going.  i don't want to, i don't want to feel the loss and the pain, but there is no alternative.  i have to keep going.  i do have a job i love but it's not enough money to live.  i have 2 beloved pets left and i continue to spoil them as much as i can.

 

i'm so tired of the way things are but it's the way things are.

 

grace and peace

there'll be days like this

how's my day been, you ask?

 

i had a therapy appointment before work.  left the house an hour early, got there on time (always a WIN) and made it to work on time.  a decent day in a good week.  i love selling books.

 

i had my worst cash register discrepancy ever.  finally figured it out but i was work an extra 45 minutes.  there went my walk.  by the time i got home it was well after 8 i was starving.  at this point my day is 2 hours longer than normal.  inside and NO POWER!  did i pay the bill?  i thought so but i had NO POWER.  i called.  yes, i paid PART of the bill but not all the bill.  hottest day of the year so far, pug inside, NO POWER.  winston the pug was hot and i was mad.  i paid the $189 over the phone but now i can't pay my mortgage.  that's next week so i won't worry about it tonight.  (just call me scarlett!)

 

i was warned that it may take up to 4 hours for the power to be restored.  remember, i was starving and all i had that didn't have to be cooked was a banana.  that wouldn't do.  only had $5 and the closest place to get food is mcdonald's.  remember i'm a vegetarian.  luckily the power was back on in about 45 minutes and i whipped up a quick dinner of couscous and veggies.

 

now i'm broke(r). and tired.  and i have to work a full day tomorrow at my store instead of the shorter day at the store i usually work on fridays.  luckily this house is small and it doesn't take much time to cool off.  oh, there was a big puddle of water in the kitchen where the ice melted out of the ice maker.  i almost fell in that which would have been icing on the cake.  i cleaned it up while i was on the phone with NES in a kitchen lit by my key chain flashlight.  

 

maybe tomorrow will be better.

 

grace and peace   

may 2, continued

i drove home tonight shaking like a drunk and sweating like a whore in church.

 

daddy came to be with me at work for the last couple of hours – that was a big help.  but the minute i started north from work i started to feel like i was “under water.” 

my vision began to change, my heart to pound and i had to turn the radio off because the noise was too much.  i just kept thinking that if i could get in the house and shut out the outside world then i wouldn’t have to think about it.  i could just eat my dinner and be with my pets.

first i had to make it there.  i almost came home by the interstate and luckily remembered that if i did that i would have to drive across the river and i can’t do that – today of all days.  i came north on briley and closed my eyes when the river came into view on my left about a half a mile from my exit.  just how would i have explained that if i had caused an accident?

that was the least of my worries.  my head was pounding, i was talking to river as if it could hear and understand my anger and grief.  i’ve hated that river for 3 years for what it did to me.  but it just did what rivers do:  20 inches of rain in 36 hours is simply too much, it had to break free.  but i still can’t.  i’m afraid and i’m anxious and i’m angry and i’m tired.

there is so much that day did to me but the worst of it is that it made me into somebody i’m not.  i was never anxious, i was never afraid of anything.  and now i’m a big coward.  i’m afraid of so many things that make me feel crazy.  i’m afraid of suffering from PTSD my whole life.  i’m afraid that i won’t be able to get better until i can get out of this house and it’s now worth a whole lot less than i paid for it and whole lot less than i owe. 

i love my job but i don’t make enough to qualify for an apartment, let alone a house, even if i were able to unload this heap! 

i lost my safety, my sanity, my boldness, my self-assurance that day.  none of the “stuff” – the physical things – that i lost can compare to the feelings that changed in me and the loss of me. 

i’ve made it to 10:45 and i think i’ll turn out the lights, get into bed and watch an episode of some mindless tv show.  i’ve earned that much.

grace and peace

this is how it really happened

i’ve been asked by several people who read this blog to give an account of the day of the flood.  since today is the 3^rd anniversary i thought i’d try.

i’ll go back a day to saturday, may 1, 2010.  i had just been fired on friday for missing 4 days of work, with a doctor’s note, with bronchitis and pneumonia.  i spent the day on the couch angry and sick.  it rained all day.  HARD.  I-40 east was closed (one route to my aunt and uncles.)

i slept little the night of saturday-sunday.  it rained all night.

i got up before 6 a.m. on sunday morning and knew right away i wouldn’t try to get out for church.  still raining and i felt awful.  power was on and off all day.  i walked the dogs at about 9 a.m. for 10 minutes when the rain let up and talked to some neighbors.  i found that mcgavock was now closed.  there are 2 roads in and out of my neighborhood:  mcgavock and briley.  with mcgavock closed that eliminated my aunt and uncles house to the east and one of the routes south to daddy’s.

the rain continued, i struggled to breathe and thought about where to apply for a job.  outside my backyard fence there is a hill 10-12 feet down that leads to a common area about the size of a football field where our dogs can run without leashes.  in the center of this space there is a slight dip about a foot deep and 30 feet across.  by midday there was water in the hole.  every half hour i went out to look.  it never changed. 

3 p.m. i went out again to walk the dogs (my golden retriever and my pug.)  i learned then that briley parkway was closed, both north and south.  i was officially stuck.  no way out.  daddy lives south, mama west and my brother, north.  no matter – no way out.

no satellite, no power, no way out.

i was getting calls on my cell phone every hour by most family members telling me to leave.  leave?  how?

by 7 p.m. there was no change.  still raining, no power, roads closed, cell phone battery dying, frantic calls.  i, with pneumonia, laid on the couch for lack of anything to do, and slept for 45 minutes.  when i woke i went out back to check and there was water a foot from my fence.  i called my brother and told him i was leaving.  the only thing i could think to do was drive 2 miles to the end of the main road where there is a church on a hill.  almost 2 miles from the river.  oh, i live yards from the river.  the cumberland.  it is just behind the football-size common area behind the house. 

it’s about 8 p.m. now - i grabbed a bag, put in a pair of shorts, a t-shirt, my cell phone, 4 or 5 bibles, my purse and put those in small SUV, a kia sportage.  i got the 2 dog beds, the dog food, the cat food and loaded them, loaded the dogs, went back in one more time for the cat and the one bottle of unopened red wine.  i spoke to a few neighbors and asked where they were going.  everyone was headed to the church.  water was pouring into my street to my right (i’m the 3^rd house on the street.)  it was 2 houses away.  a man in a canoe with a bullhorn was telling us to evacuate:  “you MUST evacuate, it’s a matter of minutes, briley parkway north will be open by the time you get there! EVACUATE!”  water was 4 houses away to my left (now my only way out of the subdivision.  i started the car and drove into the water.  3/10 of a mile from home i turned right 4/10s of a mile from the main road.

50 feet after my turn, i was following a larger SUV, i felt my tires lift off the road and i floated.  and i thought, “this is it, we’re all 4 going to die…right now.”  there is a large pond to my right a good 12-15 below the road but water was well over the tires of the ford expedition in front of me.  i knew we would drown.  if the car in front of me were a sedan, or if i were in a sedan, i don’t think i would have made it.

when i finally got to the main road i felt the tires grip the wet road.  2 miles away i got to briley and headed north.  i was headed to the river.  a half mile from the briley exit my car died.  it was a manual 5-speed and i kept it going another ½ mile.  now my car is dead, my house is under water, i’m a mile from the rapidly rising river.  it’s still raining. 

i couldn’t get through to my brother but i finally got daddy.  he called my brother to pick me up.  he was the only one that lived north and could get to me.  he was 40 miles away.  i was ready to die.  i was afraid that i wouldn’t be able to get out of the car when he came to get me.  i was afraid that we would all be dead.  i though about letting the animals out so they could find higher ground but i couldn’t move.  i just set with my phone in my hand and told the dogs and cat that we would be okay – never believing it.

an hour later he got there and i managed to transfer my few possessions to his car and make it to his house.  when i got there i realized i had no litter box, no toothbrush, no underwear, no corkscrew.  somehow i had the presence of mind to drive to wal-mart a few minutes before midnight and buy a few things.  i didn’t sleep at all and the next morning i saw my house on the news as a man in a boat took home video.  only boats could get in because the river was 5 days away from cresting.

this is what may 2 means to me.

(the red point on the map is pretty close to where my house is.  it’s just a little closer to the river.  this is no way across the river but to drive the 2 miles south to the nearest entrance to briley almost between the country club and park.)

grace and peace and prayers for today