a dreaded day

today is the day i've dreaded for days, weeks, months:  the day i had to move the contents of my office to a storage unit.  the bookstore is almost completely empty now.  i have 3 days left on the lease and i'll have to work part of all 3 of those days to get everything done in time.  i was blessed today with helpers (in fact, i had more than enough) but i still felt like i was alone.

the problem with not having a business partner, an investor, even a husband, is that i have to suffer these kinds of things - the big stuff - all alone.  no matter how many people show up on a day like today, i still have to face it all on my own.  i have to sit with all my decisions and all my sadness alone.  

(full disclosure:  my brother just called to check on me - he helped today.  full, full disclosure:  i prefer to be alone - i don't mourn that decision.)  

anyway, i'm beyond tired and sad.  i just want to pile up in bed with my pug and my book and not think for a while.  

grace and peace. 

more of the same

sorry i've been MIA for a while.  there are a few reasons for this:  torturous and persistent headaches, a serious medical crisis for one of my best friends and a similar yet less serious medical crisis in my family, a couple of job interviews (neither of which i've heard from) and a general feeling of unease and melancholy. 

i struggle with a constant lack of motivation where my writing is concerned.  i cannot get my muddled thoughts out in any concise manner and so i just avoid the whole charade.  i always write (or not) like this.  it comes in strong and crashing waves and then trickles so slowly that i think i may indeed die of wanting.  it's like the quote i read years ago, i don't remember who said it, but the writer stated that "i write so slowly that i could write in my own blood and not bleed to death."  that's me!  i just keep reading and waiting for inspiration.

i'm job-hunting and praying and those activities keep me pretty busy.  i listen to a lot of music and try to convince myself that the house doesn't need any straightening...it does.  so that's what i do:  avoid any work and immerse myself in other people's words and chords and hope that i can hold out long enough to contribute my own.

grace and peace