28 hours

this week i have become fixated on the number of hours i'm sleeping (or not sleeping.)  since last sunday i've slept 28 hours.  granted an average of 4 hours a night is not abnormal for me but my obsession with it is new.  i cannot get it out of my anxious mind.  when i think about the 8 hours of recommended sleep, 56 hours a week, and realize that i've gotten 1/2 that i feel panicky.  i think that if i were only getting 1/2 the recommended meals per week, or 10.5 meals instead of 21, that i would be concerned for my welfare.  i've had some lost time this week and i know it's because i'm sleep- deprived.  i'm also still sick and know it's for the same reason.

i go back to the doctor tomorrow and am fearful that i will once again be on the medication merry-go-round.  i have no energy at all, the house is a nightmare, i have a serious headache (at least we have food because i would not feel safe driving.)  the plan for today is rest (if not sleep), charlie chaplin movies and a stephen king novel (if my headache lets up enough to allow me to read.)

my brother took my niece and nephew to a hockey game last night so i will have to work up the energy to talk to them about it and hear all their halloween preparations.  i wonder what i'm going to do to avoid halloween festivities tomorrow?  i usually go to a movie but my anxiety doesn't allow that these days.

grace and peace

take me out to the ballgame

i'll post a real update (such as it is) tomorrow but just a quick word to share my disappointment in the texas rangers world series loss tonight.  i'm not a big baseball fan, just a sports fan in general.  i always watch the world series and since i used to live in dallas i've been pulling for the rangers in a big way for the past few weeks.  last night almost killed me!  so close!  one strike away 2 different times and they lost!!  tonight wasn't even competitive after the first inning.  i'm disappointed for them.  i'd hoped they would join the mavericks as world champs this year!

grace and peace

maybe i can get a job as a night watchman

i cannot for the life of me understand this anxiety.  i keep thinking that i will have an epiphany that will make it clearer or that it will melt away, seemingly as fast as it began, and leave me with the hazy feeling of worthwhile pain, much like childbirth (they tell me.)  but here i sit in the middle of it with no memory of life before and no ability to see life after. 

in much the same way i feel that deja vu should dissipate upon identifying it, though it always hangs around one or two seconds too long for my liking, i feel that this anxiety should have lessened its hold on me once i named it.  it didn't.  it hasn't.  and today i fear that it never will. 

i have felt its ugly presence in everything today:  what to eat, when to eat, what sheets to put on the bed, what route to take while walking winston, what to read, what NOT to read, why this cold (or whatever) still hangs on, where to go to watch the baseball game tomorrow or should i just stay home?!? 

days like this exhaust me and reduce me to raw nerves and frayed thoughts.  though i am still sick i know that's not why i hurt all over, my very skin is tender to the touch.  i'm crying tired (sans tears and sleep.)  if i sleep at all these days it's a stolen hour or two in the middle of the day.  nights are spent tossing and turning, listening to the dog and cat snore.  little show-offs!

grace and peace (i guess) 

insomnia, i hate you!

"men tire themselves in the pursuit of sleep." laurence sterne

last night i spent the 5 hours i normally fight for sleep fighting for relief from my anxiety.  i slept from 2-3 and awoke in the throws of a severe panic attack.  i don't know what brought it about but i do know it was exasperated by my growing suspicion that the ticking mechanism in my bedside clock is getting exponentially louder.  i have long suspected this but i believe after last night that i have proof.

i have been an insomniac my whole life and there are several things that i've learned along the way, some of them are:

1. limit caffeine consumption,

2. use the bed for sleep and sex only,

3. do not have a digital clock in the room,

4. go to bed and get up at the same time every day,

5. do not watch tv in bed,

6. get out of bed, go to another room and do something if sleep won't come.

1, 3 & 5 are easy, 2, 4 & 6 not so much.  i don't have a digital clock in the house save for on the kitchen appliances, certainly not visible from my room, and i drink one cup of caffeinated coffee a day.  i will not even pretend to know how to go to bed at the same time every night though i am almost always up around 5:30.  i have also never been able to resist reading in bed. i have a small tv that is hooked up to a DVD player, but not to cable or satellite, and i very rarely turn it on.  i can never make myself get out of bed when i face even a full night of wakefulness because i continue to believe that i will fall asleep...right now, no...right now...!

when i woke up anxious i began the list-making (things left to do on the house, # of clocks I can hear ticking, # of bills that can be paid with my remaining funds) and the worrying (what if i do go crazy, what if the roaring i hear in my head - like the sound of the ocean in a seashell - is more than a symptom of this 2 week old congestion, why does my new neighbor insist on parking on the street instead of in the driveway and why does it bother me so much?)  btw, "bother" doesn't begin to describe how i feel about this injustice. other more appropriate words are: "anger," "infuriate" and "homicidal."

after laying awake until daybreak i finally got up and moved to the living room and watched a couple of episodes of "psych" on netflix before i sent my brother a text warning him of my impending visit to his house for a day of sports.  3 games, 3 different sports (college football, baseball, hockey) and 3 loses!  it was awful, but the company was good, my parents were both there as well as my sweet, funny, gorgeous and brilliant niece and nephew.  my 11 year old niece is thrilled at the fact that she is being written about right now.

i've just been home a short while and am going to post this and try my hand at getting some sleep tonight.  it is, after all, after 2:00 a.m.

grace and peace

much ado about tom

"you know you've read a good book when you turn the last page and feel a little as if you have lost a friend."  paul sweeney

"books!  i dunno if i ever told you this, but books are the greatest gift one person can give another."  bono

a symptom of PTSD is numbness; the feeling that emotions have been turned off.  i remain shocked at the level to which i have protected myself in this way.  i am still concerned with my inability to cry.  i've not been crying today but i have certainly felt sad.  what's surprising to me is that this sadness is unrelated to the flood and/or my anxiety but because i am in mourning over a book.  that's right, a book.

i read the fifth and final "ripley" book this week-"ripley under water" by patricia highsmith.  the first book, "the talented mr. ripley," was a birthday gift a few years ago from a dear friend, fellow bibliophile and flood victim (bono would approve!)  while acknowledging tom ripley as a complete and utter psychopath; we love him.  we love his french home, his espresso drinking, his gardening, his harpsichord.  

i had the same sense of loss upon finishing the 7 "harry potter" novels and the 7 "dark tower" novels by stephen king.  yes, the two latter series i've read more than once, as i'm sure i will the "ripley" novels, but there is nothing like reading a book the first time.  i experience the same feeling of loss at the end of the hockey season!       

what has sent me spinning today is that i feel more "emotional" over this book than i feel over the loss of nearly all my belongings.  knowing that only makes me feel as if i should feel more.  yet i don't feel anything at all.  i'm disconnected.  i suppose it's easier to be morose over a fictional character than to give in to the real-life things i need to mourn.  i know it's a way of avoiding the inevitable.  and that the avoiding cannot go on forever.

grace and peace and books  

83...77...50...

no, this is not a math problem where i'm looking for the next number in the sequence; these are the high temperatures for the last 3 days in nashville.  as a person who thinks that the temperature should never be below 60 (for a low) i hate days/weeks like this.  if i weren't already sick to begin with i certainly would be now! 

50 degree days conjure up winter and all that i despise about it:  cold, pervasive darkness (the sun never shines here novemeber-february), snow (or rather frigid rain in this part of the country), cold, the holidays, months on end of mushy, soggy ground, the continuous fight to get winston to venture outside and the nerve-racking mewling from meave as she adjusts to only minutes outside (she would like to spend one out of every 10 outside expecting me to let her in/out at least 12 times every hour), cold, coats, gloves (i actually enjoy wearing scarves), etc...

i'm in a foul mood over it and am feeling very anxious.  i suppose i feel somewhat grateful that i am both unemployed and sick, therefore in no need to get out, as rain is coming and that will only make me worse.  i keep reminding myself that it will be in the 70s again by weeks end though that does little to comfort me today. 

happy 40th birthday to my big brother today!  i love you!

grace and peace

5 days and counting

starting to feel like i might live through this sinus infection.  after five days, 2 boxes of kleenex, a whole bottle of theraflu and dozens upon dozens of halls cough drops, i feel a little more lively today.  granted all i've done is nap and read.  i churched at home for the second week in a row.  last week i blamed a sore throat but it was mostly that the lesson was to coincide with the chapter on "growing through grief and loss"  in the current book we are reading.  i didn't feel like i could make it through that while physically present.  i have the best church family in the world and would have been comforted by those around me if i had "lost it" during service.  while i wouldn't have been embarrassed to cry, i was genuinely fearful that if the tears did come they would never stop.  i read the chapter, did the lesson in the workbook and watched the service on-line (then met a friend for a walk in the park.)

today i stayed home so as not to offend with menthol seeping out of my pores and used kleenex peeking out of every pocket.  this lesson wasn't as emotionally taxing for me, basically  slowing down and "being quiet before God" in this over-scheduled world of ours.  for those of you who know me, you know this is not something i struggle with.  i can sit in silence without something to do for hours, days, weeks at a time and be fine.  i was blown away by a statistic in the book stating that the average person is only comfortable with silence for 15 seconds.  that's unbelievable to me!  all of that is not to say that i don't need to work on filling my time with feeling the presence of God.  i read a lot of books, write a good deal, listen to a lot of music and stare at the walls an awful lot and i need to spend more time with Him.

the only day i've been out this week was tuesday.  i spent the day with my brother and his kids who were on fall break (i almost typed "spring break" because my internal calendar is off after all this time of not working - there is no way i can fathom it being october of 2011!)  the kids biked while my brother and i walked the 4 1/2 mile trail.  my allergies really kicked in the next day and here i am with another week gone and little to no memory of it.  (much like the last year and a half.)  i have spent a good deal of time dreaming of the bike i would like to buy so i can ride with the kids some.  my brother and i enjoyed walking and talking behind the kids as they rode but we also both longed to be riding!

grace and peace

under the weather

i guess i have a sinus infection--though it could just be a cold.  anyway, i feel awful and am sleeping the week away, which is good for an insomniac no matter that the sleep is drug and fever induced.   trying to avoid the bronchitis that i get all too easily. 

my anxiety is ever-present, yet not as severe, since i am not at all intent on leaving this house (even though i am using kleenex for toilet paper and dishwashing soap for laundry detergent.)  

not much to share but, as always, thanks for reading.

grace and peace  

monday all day long

i had another run-in today at a local metro agency regarding the remaining funds in my account for post-flood home repair.  i got there with yet another lowe's receipt for the new front door and screen door.  along with last weeks receipt for the closet doors i was $7 short of the needed receipts for distribution of the next check.  listen, i nearly lost it.  it was hard enough to suffer the lowe's visit, panic attack included, fill out all the paperwork, drive across town and make it inside this place without being told i was $7 short!  it got worked out when i finally got someone to tell me that they would cover the sales tax (almost 10% here) and that i would be able to draw a check this week.  after all this time it's still so hard to get anything done.  i understand that there have to be some guidelines and they can't be handing out money without verification but it shouldn't be as hard as they make it.  we flood victims been through enough without having to fight for all that we've been promised.  i didn't throw a fit or anything (like i did last week - i was half afraid that i would get there today to see a photo of me posted in a big red circle with a line drawn through my scowling face!)

if that weren't bad enough i had to force myself to go to trader joe's for yogurt.  i've been without it for more than a week and i'm in serious withdrawal.  i didn't even make it inside before my nerves were tested.  i parked  in a row with 2 other cars just like mine, it looked like this:  red nissan, white lexus, *my* red nissan, silver volvo, red nissan.  as soon as i got out of the car i was overwhelmed with a fear that one of the other red nissan drivers would take my car by mistake (as if that would or could happen...!) but it was real to me and i nearly turned around and got back in the car.  the promise of yogurt won out.  i made it inside only to head straight to the free coffee samples so i could take the last xanax in my purse and stave off the panic that was heightening by the second.  i got my yogurt and a few bananas and ran out of there!

i felt some relief once i made it out of the green hills lunch-hour traffic.  however, i was to be tried once again by a completely irrational desire to get out of the car at a stop sign and assault another driver for wearing pink, plastic-framed, heart-shaped sunglasses.  had it not been for my singing along to rod stewart's feel-good "maggie may" on the radio i may just have done it.  there were no other cars around and i cannot tell you how strong the compulsion was.  my nerves were so frayed by the morning that i was raring for a fight, i guess.

the saving grace was that, as i flew home at top speed with the windows down and the sun shining high, i heard the clash's genius "lost in the supermarket" and laughed good and hard at myself.  at least there's that...

grace and peace  

     

three for thursday

1.  today i have severely swollen glands in my neck due to my hideous allergies and sinuses but i have spent all day preparing for a phantom cancer diagnosis;

2.  because the weather is getting cooler i'm spending a lot of time outside and leaving the french doors open almost all day.  good for my tan but bad for the aforementioned allergies and as a result there are so many flies in this house it's like "amityville horror" in here!!!  the bloody mosquitoes (pun intended) are out to get me too; and

3.  because i refuse to cut down the only tree in my front yard i am, yet again, dealing with plumbing problems.  it seems that the roots from said tree have grown into the main line from the house and every so often (way too often) these roots have to be cleaned out by a plumber.  i have no money for this procedure but i also have no clean clothes and no clean dishes as it uses too much water to run the washing machine and/or dishwasher.  i take uncharacteristically short showers and use the water as little as possible since all the drains are now almost 100% clogged.  the plumber will be here tomorrow and i will have to write a check from my pathetically anemic account. 

i remember long ago promising myself that i wouldn't say "it can't get any worse," or "i can't take one more thing," because something else always comes up and i would be reminded that things CAN always get worse.  i never dreamed that i would face a year like i've had or that i would be taking punches even now.  people keep telling me that i will survive this because i'm "stronger than i think" but i'm starting to wonder if maybe it's that i'm so used to "just surviving" that i'm not smart (or equipped) enough to sit down and "feel" or "grieve" or "cope" or any of the things other people do.  i don't know how to do any of that!  i've never known those things and i'm overwhelmed with having to learn them at 37!

grace and peace   

    



food for thought

i have several things on my mind today...

1. why did i wake up singing the theme song to "laverne and shirley?"

2. why am i so afraid to go to the grocery store?

3. why can i not talk myself out of this particular fear?

yes, i am afraid to go places alone, but the grocery store seems to be the most frightening of all destinations.  i can force myself to church alone, i can force myself to therapy alone but i cannot buy my own food.  what is that?!  i'm out of everything.  i'm down to maybe 8 ounces of juice and 2 or 3 tablespoons of peanut butter, oh and a box of organic macaroni and cheese (but no milk with which to mix it.)  i can sit here and type this and accept the irrationality of it but i cannot make myself drive to the store and shop.  the fear of what lies in wait is too overwhelming.  i'm so afraid that i will have a panic attack there and not be able to get home.  i don't know why that terrifies me so, i've never had a panic attack in the store.  maybe i'm afraid of being in line when it comes, maybe it's that i will have to leave my stuff behind and run out before i can pay and that it will have all been for naught.  the fear consumes me.

  

winston and i might have to hit up a drive-thru for lunch then i'll have to work on finding a "volunteer" to accompany me to a store soon.  with all the planning and preparing that entails i'm so exhausted by the time i get to a store that i don't have the energy for panic attacks!     

grace and peace



the numbers game

17:  months since the flood, (all these are "since the flood"),

25:  pounds gained,

30:  pounds i need to lose,

1:   toe i expect to explode,

27:  age of my little sister tomorrow,

4:   age of my niece tomorrow (daughter of said little sister),

98:  books read,

4:   closet doors left to hang,

153: pages written on my new book,

1:   family funeral attended,

5:   "disorders" diagnosed by my psychiatrist(!),

17:  estimated age of my sweet dog, sage, who died in march,

48:  lowe's receipts (at least 3 times that many lowe's visits),

10:  average purchases per lowe's receipt,

??:  afraid to even estimate the bottles of wine consumed,

2.6: miles strolled at a local lake today with a dear friend and her 2 precious sons,

24:  teeth i expect to fall out (i'm down 8 to begin with - 4 pulled prior to braces and wisdom teeth also extracted),

23,373:  miles on my new car in less than 15 months (compared to the normal 10,000 a year pre-flood),

1,000:  cups of coffee (probably a low estimate),

34,000: dollars spent on the rebuild of house and life (ballpark),

1 billion:  prayers said on my behalf (definitely a low estimate).

just some of the figures i've been thinking about today.  since the flood was on a sunday i seem to be thinking about the event itself more today than normal.  i left the house about this time of night.  some time between 8:00 and 9:00 if i remember correctly.  i just know it was may and it was already dark; it was late. 

it's funny (not funny ha-ha) that these 17 months feel simultaneously like an instant and like 17 years but not in any way like months.  less than a year and a half.  it's like i'm a toddler and still measure my age in months.  i'm not a year old and not 2 years old - i'm 17 months old.  and i'm tired.

grace and peace     



the magic of movies

last night i watched one of the greatest movies i have ever seen.  "cinema paradiso" winner of the 1989 oscar for best foreign language film. 

i haven't slept a wink.  it was just one of those nights (maybe related to one too many cups of coffee yesterday which i drank because i hadn't slept enough on thursday.  can you say "vicious cycle, folks?)  i replayed this movie in my mind, did a crossword puzzle, suffered one panic attack, watched 3 episosdes of M*A*S*H and listened to the trains go by.  10:00 am now and i think i'll try again to sleep a bit. 

grace and peace and movies