day off

i thought i was gonna get to spend most of this 65 degree december day at home.  it's my day off.  had to go over to a friends house to help her catalog some books she's selling (if only i could buy them!) that's 4 hours.  then i was off to the vet to get orson the cat's glucose checked.  got there at 3 and at 3:30 the vet came in and asked if they could keep him until close - 6:00 - so they could check his glucose every hour. 

 

in my past life i would have gone to hang out in a bookstore or taken my book (in my purse) and gone to a coffee shop for 2 1/2 hours.  now, of course, the former is unthinkable and the latter is downright impossible.  my anxiety allows for none of that!  i came home, through heavy traffic, and watched M*A*S*H, read my book and missed orson.  fought my way back to the vet then home again through worse traffic.

 

orson has a UTI which might be interfering with his insulin (it's not been very effective lately) so he has antibiotics to add to the insulin regimen. 

 

when i was sitting at the vet at 6:10 i was pretty upset about losing my day.  but then i heard a woman crying in another room and realized her day was far and away worse than mine in that she lost her kitty or puppy today.  i don't know which but my heart breaks for her.  i've had to euthanize babies before and it's such a terrible loss.  i came home to my 3 animals and felt thankful.

 

tomorrow will come too soon as i now have 3 loads of clothes to wash and it's already 8:30. 

 

grace and peace

is this what life is?

today is payday.  i bought gas and now i can't pay my mortgage.  that's not a good a problem to have.  not a problem i saw myself having at 41. 

 

i'm so tired. 

not a happy camper

i'm having an awful day.  tired and sick and anxious and sad and angry and tired again.  i'm completely and utterly spent.  i just want to disappear.  put the pets in the car and drive until i run out of money and/or road.

 

i don't know how to keep going like i'm going.  i'm unhappy in every possible way.  maybe all this is just the accumulation of the last 3 months of emotion and exhaustion.

 

feeling put upon and picked on.  how do you keep going when you don't want to?

 



thoughts about me

anxiety is a shape-shifter.  what i'm anxious about today may not bother me tomorrow and a new fear will rear it's ugly head.  there's no predicting it and no preparing for it. 

 

isolating is a part of who i am.  i'm an introvert to the nth degree.  i find people exhausting and infuriating.  i would much rather be alone with my books, my notebooks and my animals than be with anyone.  i've always been this way.  since PTSD it has become an even greater part of who i am - to an unhealthy degree.  agoraphobia is the term.  for the first year after the flood i was scared nearly to death to leave my house.  the very place i despise.  a vicious cycle ensued - so scared of what happened to me in this house that i found it impossible to leave it.  so mush so that stepping on the front porch would cause hour-long panic attacks.

 

now things are a bit different though i still struggle mightily with going anywhere.  it seems all too pointless and scary.  since daddy's been in the hospital(s) i've fallen into the familiar pattern of home, work, hospital, home.  no grocery store, no seeing my few remaining friends, no life but the small one i've been left with (or carved out for myself, i can't tell the difference).  the scary part, sometimes, is that i don't want to do anything else.  

 

i'm just wondering if this is all there is?  wondering if this is all i'll ever have?  i have so much work to do yet to manage my PTSD and i'm exhausted by having to do it.  part of me just wants to give up.  part of me can't imagine ever feeling better.  i know that's a symptom of the disease but it's an alluring one.

 

i touched base with my therapist today for the first time in weeks.  just today i realized that it's been at least 2 months since my last appointment and i think i'm feeling the result tonight. 

 

grace and much needed peace   

day 50 something

it's been more than a month since i've even thought about writing.  7 and a half weeks have passed since daddy went to the ER.  it feels like years to all of us i think.  since my last post daddy moved to a cancer treatment center where he received 3 weeks of radiation (5 days a week) and chemo (once a week).  now he's in a rehab center where he's getting physical therapy every day.  don't know how long he will be there.

 

then HOME.

 

we will meet with the oncologist later this month for test and reevaluation to decide on future treatment.  diagnosis is the same, of course, but prognosis is much improved.  i don't know how long he has and i find that rather unimportant at this point.  the important thing is that the time he has left, be it months or years, is as pain-free and as filled with love as possible. 

 

i want him here as long as i live.  that's obvious.  i can't imagine my life without him.  right now, though, i'm just glad he got to the hospital when he did and that we are in week 8 of the rest of his life.  had he not gotten there when he did i believe he would be gone now.  as hard as this is it is bearable compared to his dying untreated and in pain.

 

since this blog is in large part about my struggle with PTSD and anxiety i will try to address what i'm feeling as far as that goes.  it's hard to define, as i'm not sure i've stopped long enough to think about me during this, but here goes...

 

in some ways i've noticed my anxiety less in the past 8 weeks as i'm too focused on daddy to think of anything else and too tired to give a damn on the other had.  that being said, i'm shopping nearly 100% online because the thought of a store is terrifying.  not sure if it's exhaustion or increased anxiety but i have little to no ability to do even the few things i was able to do before. 

 

prayers please.

 

grace and peace

 

 



day 19

19 days ago daddy went to the ER with shortness of breath.  he was admitted and less than 5 hours later he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and intubated.  by the next day we were told he would probably never survive without the ventilator and that his diagnosis was week to months.

 

today we are on day 19 and he's breathing on his own most of the day, his lungs are improving thanks to a stent and removal of some of the cancer after a surgery on thursday.  as soon as he's off the vent they intend to do radiation and chemo.  i don't know what any of this means in terms of his overall diagnosis.  they aren't giving us a timeframe and that seems like good news.  they continue to be surprised at how strong he is.  he has no other health problems and never has.

 

i'm exhauted and scared but hopeful that his prognosis continues to improve. there is a possibility that when he's off the vent that he will be allowed to go home.  that is what we are praying for.  as i said, today is day 19, and i'm taking only my second day away from the hospital.  it's been a long time since i was this tired.

 

i have to finally go back to work on wednesday.  praise God that today is a holiday and tuesday is my regular day off so i've set my sights on wednesday as my return date. 

 

keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

 

grace and peace

what now?

what do you do on the day you get bad news?

charleston, part III

this may be my the last diatribe on charleston but it may not be.

 

 open letter to the murderer:

 

we are all made in God’s image.  we are ALL His children.  to hurt another human is to disgrace God.  to believe, or at least pretend to believe, that another race (nationality, creed, ideology) is such a threat to you that it gives you the right to wipe them off the face of the earth is INSANITY.  it is hyperbole.  you, white man, are not in danger of becoming extinct.  the cradle of civilization contained brown-skinned people.  you, white man, are the process of evolution and migration. The further north we traveled the lighter our skin became for our protection.  you, white man, are from a darker-skinned tribe.  get over it.  we are all just exactly alike on the inside. what difference, outside of some made-up, fearful, hateful ideology, can it possibly make?

 

to use the language of the lynch mob and declare, “you rape our women” before opening fire on innocents shows your twisted mindset.  guess what, white women aren’t YOURS!  we are not in need of your twisted protection from the black man. the protection we need, not just women, but the world, is protection from the thinking, teaching, violence and hatred in the hearts and minds of people like you!

 

may God have mercy on your soul.

 

may God have mercy on us all.

 

grace and peace

charleston, part II

i have a few more thoughts about what happened this week in charleston: do i think this is about guns?  yes.  i think any time a person in shot down in anger it's a good time to talk about our gun culture and the availability of weapons but i honestly don't see our intransigence crumbling after one more tragedy. and really my point is that this isn't about guns this is about racism (let's call it what it is: hatred).  this is about a man who indoctrinated himself or was indoctrinated by others (i suspect a bit of both) to hate.  it's the classic "us vs. them".  you see, this world is not about "us vs. them". no matter who the "us" or the "them".  this world is not about black vs. white, muslim vs. jew, male vs. female, catholic vs. protestant, sunni vs. shia, gay vs. straight, indigenous vs. pilgrim, urban vs. suburban vs. rural.  this world is about DARKNESS vs. LIGHT (put another way SIN vs. GRACE).

 

choices – that is what this world is about.  good vs. bad, right vs. wrong.  we can choose darkness or we can choose light. God is not in darkness. He is not in hatred. He is not in fear. He IS in the hearts of the families of the viciously murdered when they can, just a few short days later, say that there is not hatred in their hearts for the murderer. He is in forgiveness and love. God is love.

grace and peace

charleston, part I

below is facebook post one regarding the shooting of nine innocent people in a house of worship:

 

i wish i could think of something to say about what happened in charleston last night that would make a difference, that would make people think about racism, gun violence and our culture in a way they haven't before but i have nothing. absolutely nothing. this kind of thing just keeps happening and we just keep doing nothing. we'll shed a few tears, give a few dollars, debate the 'whys' and 'hows' and then the news coverage will fade and we will settle back into our safe,... easy, busy lives until the next mass shooting. then we'll act surprised and outraged that it happened again. we've got one maniac in colorado on trial for a mass shooting in a movie theatre and while that's in motion we get this one on the other side of the country shooting up a church. a church! but it's all the same. it's all hatred and pain and i'm sick of it. let's pray for the families and friends of the victims, let's pray for those shattered by the actions of someone they thought they knew, let's pray for this beloved country of ours that we will do a better job of teaching our children not to hate, that we will take greater care to treat mental illness, that we will pass reasonable gun legislation, that we will treat our brothers as we wish to be treated. all our brothers - the black ones, the gay ones, the muslim ones, the female ones, the poor ones, the homeless ones, the mentally ill ones, all God's children.

 

grace and peace

why i am a straight ally

here’s why i’m in favor of marriage equality:

Obergefell v. Hodges

jim obergefell just wanted to be listed on his partner’s DEATH CERTIFICATE as the spouse.  his death certificate.  they had been together 21 years.  3 months after their wedding jim’s husband died of ALS.  they married in washington DC but ohio wouldn’t recognize their union.  here’s the main problem i have with this:  it’s nobody’s business who decides to spend their life with whom.  Ii’s no one’s business with whom your neighbor sleeps, loves or marries.  just like it’s not your neighbor’s business with whom you sleep with, love or marry. 

i am a straight Christian who will never have to fight to get married (no matter how many times i might marry/divorce/remarry, etc.)  i will never have to beg and cry and sneak around to visit my spouse in the hospital or sue to be recognized on a death certificate.  if you are so sure that gay marriage won’t be recognized by God then why in the world do you care?  if you don’t believe that the second marriage of a person who is divorced with a non-scriptural divorce will be recognized by God then why do you care?  God will be the judge of all of us.  We are not the judges.

God inspired the writing of the Bible but God did not write or inspire the writing of the constitution!  no matter what the Bible says about homosexuality, the Bible is NOT our governing document.  the constitution allows for equal treatment under the law and that means if i, as a straight person, can get married then a gay person can get married as well.

i contend that if more of us were outraged by shows like “the bachelor” and “the bachelorette”, on which people compete for the affections of a mate and the prize is a marriage that is as doomed as a led balloon, we would have more of a leg to stand on when it comes to defending the “sanctity of marriage.”  THIS, we as a society, hold up as entertainment and balk at gay marriage?  how is the former okay with Christians? 

grace and peace and equality

 

the great david letterman

in my childhood it was “M*A*S*H” (11 seasons) then it was “the cosby show” (8 seasons) “cheers,” (11 seasons) “frasier,” (11 seasons) “seinfeld” (9 seasons) and “friends” (10 seasons.)  because all of these live in syndication i’ve not missed them like i will miss david letterman. 

i remember at 9 or 10 years old, on those friday nights spent at my paternal grandparents’ house, getting up to watch while the rest of the house slept.  i’ve always been an insomniac and everyone slept too early for me so i would sneak out of bed at 11:30 with my brother and my cousins sleeping and turn the TV down real low, sit just inches from the screen and watch dave. 

 

i loved it:  larry bud melman and the man under the stairs, stupid pet tricks and paul shaffer, hello deli and biff henderson.  sometimes my brother got up to watch with me.  i loved that too.  i’ve watched dave for 33 years; i’m 41.  i’ve found myself crying every night as i watch his last season.  i cried with him after his heart surgery and i cried with him after 9/11.  i’ll cry with him tonight as he says goodbye.  i’m sentimental so my attachment to a person i’ve never met or seen in person isn’t that odd but because he's the man who made a scared, lonely little girl laugh every single night i desperately mourn his leaving. 

 

for an insomniac late night TV is a lifesaver.  when i was a teenager we didn’t have cable and we only got 4 channels, ABC, NBC, CBS and FOX.  FOX still went off the air at about midnight.  while dave was on NBC, and followed the tonight show, i had those 2 glorious hours to myself while everyone else was out or asleep.  he moved to CBS when i was in college.  i watched every night. 

 

i cannot imagine his absence.  i love stephen colbert and will watch his show but there will always be a part of me that mourns dave.

 

grace and peace and dave

 

 

5 years gone

imagine with me, if you will, something significant that happened to you in 2010:  a special birthday, an anniversary, a birth, death, a book you read, a movie you love; imagine all that's happened to you since then.  now imagine that every day of that time - since that one special day or one memorable event - you have had to relive not that special event but the worst thing that's ever happened to you.  for 5 years every day has been a constant reminder of the worst time in your life.

 

that's the only way i realistically know how to convey what PTSD feels like.  PTSD steals your life, it steals who you are and keeps your brain stuck in the most terrible of moments.  intellectually i know it's 2015 and not 2010 but you can't convince my heart or my gut of that. 

 

may 2 is the hardest day of the year for me in that the calendar is in line with my memory and my emotions.  it's about SO much more that one, long ago, may 2.  the date conjures the aftermath as well as the events of the actual flood.  it's not just the driving through water in my neighborhood and accepting that i would die or sitting on the side of briley parkway waiting to die after my car quit.  it's the shock, the visual of all my soaked belongings piled in my front yard, the cuts, bruises, scrapes, sore muscles, tears, rages, standing in line for 5 hours for a building permit, having to take daddy with me for a tetanus shot, the aches, pains, fears, the begging for money, the paperwork, the 16 hour days rebuilding, the many hours at lowes, the decisions, the  aloneness, the helplessness, the bills, bills and more bills.  

 

i didn't just lose 36 years of things - i lost the things that really matter:  peace, security, comfort, HOME.  i lost returning home at the end of the day to the one place that brings respite.  i don't have that anymore.  5 years later it's still missing.  

 

today i acknowledge and mourn the lives that were lost.  i made it out with my pets and for that i am eternally grateful.  11 lives were lost.  i'm glad i don't know the number of animals lost.

 

i am grateful i had a job to go to today (though i cried for a good deal of the day), i am grateful daddy came to check on me, i am grateful yesterday was payday so i could go to the bookstore after work (today is independent bookstore day - I won't tell how much i spent), i am grateful the pets are safe and happy.  i am grateful that the day is almost over, i am grateful tomorrow i celebrate the birthday of one of my dearest, i am grateful for all i have.  i pray that i never take one single article for granted.

 

don't get PTSD.  it's not worth it.  it hurts.

 

grace and peace.    

overload

today is an emotional day for me all-around.

 

first:  it's Good Friday and as a Christian this is always an emotional day as i remember the sacrifice Jesus made for a sinner like me!

 

 

second:  it's the beginning of Passover when Jews (and Christians) remember God's deliverance from slavery;

 

third:  it's april 3, my best friend's mother's birthday.  i love her very much and rejoice that she is alive.  i am the first to say that i envy, very much, their relationship as i deal with the broken relationship with my own mother.

 

fourth:  as it's april 3, it's the anniversary of MLK's last speech on the night before he was brutally assassinated.  he's been a hero of mine for as long as i remember.  this speech makes me weep and rejoice at once.  "mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord!"

 

on this Good Friday we Christians continuously say, "sunday is coming!"

 

AMEN to that!

grace and peace and glory

10 years and counting

10 years ago today i closed on this house.  i never thought i'd be here 10 years and i certainly never thought i'd be here 10 years with no way out.  almost 5 years after the flood the value is about half what it was beforehand.  it's still, though the saying hurts, "under water" about $25,000, meaning it's worth $25,000 less than i owe.

 

the bad part of it is that because of my anxiety i am relegated to spending nearly every waking minute here unless i'm at work.  my world has become so small as i cannot go but a handful of places.  i only have a couple of friends for which i am willing to venture out.  i can't go to the movies, i can't go to a restaurant, i can't go to church, i can't go anywhere and feel safe - though the worst part is that this is the place i feel the LEAST safe.

 

i wish i were a person who didn't remember anniversaries and wasn't so sentimental but that's not me.  i can't remember what i ate for lunch but i know every phone number i've ever had.  i can't remember how to get home a lot of days but i know every one of my ex-boyfriend's birthdays.

 

today was a busy day at work.  i'm tired and a bit congested.  i'm gonna pile up on the couch with winston the pug and try my best to look forward to tomorrow.

 

grace and peace

 

 

 

 

 

 



chip on my shoulder

can't get something i heard today out of my head.  this is likely to be a diatribe many of you won't want to hear but it's just something i have to work out.  what she said while speaking of her childhood/early adulthood:

 

"i didn't know people had bad lives."  

 

what i heard: 

 

"i have no idea what the real world is like and your experience is foreign and the exception to the rule."

 

i just can't believe it when i hear something like this!  really?  no idea that people hurt, that kids are neglected and hungry and abused?  no idea that not everyone has the same life you have?  no idea that not everyone is loved and adored?  wow.  that must be nice.

 

i realize, because of my experience, and probably because of my innate personality, that i am a pessimist.  i don't believe the world is basically good; i don't believe that people are basically good.  i believe THAT is the exception to the rule.  i believe we are born into a fallen, sinful world and being good is a choice and not everyone chooses it.  not everyone who has children wants them.  not everyone who has works hard gets blessed with a big, comfortable house in the suburbs.

 

some of us are born in to families with mental illness and neglect and poverty and anger and grief and fear and all those hard, bad things.  i try really hard not to let the way i grew up dictate the way i live and for the most part i think i do a pretty good job.  however, there is no denying the fact that what i experienced, not just in my house as a child, but the trauma of the flood, affect who i am.  i most likely will always be distrustful of people and be afraid of losing the few important things in my life. 

 

for whatever reason when i hear people say the things like i heard today it hits me all over again that we are all so different.  we absolutely do not have the same experiences, the same advantages, the same backgrounds, etc.  for all my troubled childhood it was so much better than a lot of people and so much worse than others.  i just wish we could all, for the love of pete, take into account that some, if not all, of us are damaged in some way.  each of us fights a battle, big or small.  let's all be kind to each other.  

 

remember, not everyone came from where you came from.

 

grace and peace and understanding        

832-1266

ME!

 

i'm exhausted.  i had a severe panic attack tonight when i learned that daddy decided to let go to of his landline.  he lives in the house he grew up in, the house he moved into at age 8 or 9 in 1956, my grandparents' house.  the only house in which i've ever truly felt safe,  the first phone number i learned, and dialed, is no more.  

 

he still lives there and that's more important but something about knowing that number will belong to someone else makes me feel awfully empty inside.  i have such an attachment to the house and that bloody number!  i was surprised when he told me because he is the sentimental type and i didn't think he would never give up that number.  i didn't panic on the phone with him but hung up and burst into tears.  i will call him tomorrow and talk more about it but tonight i'm just worn out.  

 

would this always be hard?  i'm sure, but with this much anxiety and the constant feeling of being an open wound it's sure hurting a bunch tonight.

 

grace and peace and nostalgia     



in like a lion...

haven't felt like writing much lately but here i am.

 

i've started working full-time so i'm adjusting to that while also trying to cope with the end of winter.  we've finally had some 70 degree days but winter has hung on much longer than i had hoped.

 

living with insomnia and PTSD is tiring enough without the gray skies and cold weather.  i'm looking forward to the days i can get to the track after work and breathe in the fresh air.  i'm so out of shape but i do look forward to the exercise, no matter how slow and laborious it may be.

 

i'm sure there was a time when things weren't so hard in my life but i honestly don't remember those days.  as i approach the 5 year mark (may 2) of the flood i can't help but think of all the days, weeks, months, years that i have all but lost.  if feels a lot like my childhood - lost years that aren't worth remembering.  ugh!

 

as a Christian i believe that hard times are a part of life and that we will all face them but there is a part of me that continues to cry out with the question, "how much?"  i would love to have something be easy for once.  for days not to just be survived but actually lived.  not sure i would know how to react to such ease.

 

grace and peace.

 

 

 



upon awakening: week 16

friday:  "forever young" bob dylan;

saturday:  "hey, hey what can i do?" led zeppelin;

sunday:  "seven nation army" the white stripes;

monday:  "werewolves of london" warren zevon;

tuesday:  "the devil went down to georgia" charlie daniels;

wednesday:  "these arms of mine" otis redding;

thursday:  the sun'll come out "tomorrow" from annie.

 

this is my last week of posting about my internal soundtrack.  i made it 16 weeks and it's helped my other writing so i think i'll retire these posts.

 

as always, thanks for reading!

 

grace and peace

upon awakening: week 15

friday 1/30:  "one (is the loneliest number)" three dog night;

saturday 1/31:  "my sweet Lord" george harrison;

sunday 2/1:  "where you lead" carole king;

monday 2/2:  "daddy sang bass" johnny cash;

tuesday 2/3:  "answering bell" ryan adams;

wednesday 2/4:  "i love rock 'n' roll" joan jett;

thursday 2/5:  "watching the wheels" john lennon.

 

grace and peace and songs

upon awakening: week 14

friday 1/23:  "rudolph the red-nosed reindeer" i know, i hate Christmas!;

saturday 1/24:  "dearly departed" shakey graves with esme patterson;

sunday 1/25:  "tiny dancer" elton john;

monday 1/26:  "my way" frank sinatra;

tuesday 1/27:  "i and love and you" the avett brothers;

wednesday 1/28:  "tuesday's gone" lynyrd skynyrd;

thursday 1/29:  "ain't that a shame" fats domino.

 

grace and peace

upon awakening: week 13

friday 1/16:  "get back" the beatles;

saturday 1/17-thursday 1/23:  nothing!

 

the story is that my sleep medications were late getting to my psychiatrists office so i was without them for more than a week.  i've been an insomniac my whole life but in the last couple of years i've been taking a certain sleep medication (the strongest on the market, they tell me) and, while i don't sleep enough while taking it, i sleep more with it than without.  these days i don't sleep at all without it.  in the last 14 days i've slept about 25 hours. 

 

i'm exhausted.  i picked up the meds on wednesday but i'm so sleep deprived that i ache all over.  so sore that i can't even wear my rings.  so tired that i don't remember anything that's happened in the last few days.  

 

pray for sleep for me.

 

grace and peace 

upon awakening: week 12

friday 1/9:  "outfit" drive-by truckers;

saturday 1/10:  "that wasn't me" brandi carlile;

sunday 1/11:  "coping mechanism" shovels and rope;

monday 1/12:  "alone in my home" jack white;

tuesday 1/13:  "jesus, etc." wilco;

wednesday 1/14:  "superstition" stevie wonder;

thursady 1/15:  "love rescue me" U2.

 

grace and peace

 



upon awakening: week 11

friday 1/2:  "the river" joni mitchell;

saturday 1/3:  "uneasy rider" charlie daniels

sunday 1/4:  "papa was a rolling stone" the temptations;

monday 1/5:  "that's right, you're not from texas" lyle lovett;

tuesday 1/6:  "lay down sally" eric clapton;

wednesday 1/7: "ring of fire" johnny cash;

thursday 1/8:  "golden years" david bowie.

 

grace and peace

if wishes were horses, beggars would ride

i wish i'd slept more than 3 hours last night;

i wish i'd had the energy and ability to go to church this morning;

i wish i had the energy for a long walk;

i wish this house weren't such a wreck;

i wish i had the energy and motivation to actually clean said house;

i wish i didn't have to do the dishes before i can cook supper tonight;

i wish someone else would cook supper tonight;

i wish i would force myself to write;

i wish i could stare at the wall all day and do nothing;

in lieu of that:

i wish i could read my book and listen to records all day.

 

you catch my drift.

 

i don't want to do anything responsible and hygienic.  i just want to be a slug and sit in this filth. 

 

anxiety is HIGH and i hurt all over.  i'll just have to make a list and tackle one. small. thing. at. a. time.  i can't bear the house the way it is one more day.  i don't know about y'all but if weren't for music i would never be able to clean anything!

 

grace and peace

upon awakening: week 10

friday 12/26:  "sylvia plath" ryan adams;

saturday 12/27:  "lanterns" birds of tokyo;

sunday 12/28:  "hallelujah" jeff buckley;

monday 12/29:  "want and able" jack white;

tuesday 12/30:  "trouble" ray lamontagne;

wednesday 12/31:  "then came the morning" the lone bellow;

thursday 1/1:  "riptide" vance joy.

 

grace and peace