save the ta-tas

a few weeks ago i noticed some sharp pains in my right breast.  then last week i noticed a burning/stinging pain on the underside of the same breast.  i did some online research while waiting for my numerous phone calls to be returned.  the good news:  breast cancer rarely presents with pain.  the bad news: i'm uninsured, not 40 (though i am 39 years, 6 months and 3 weeks old) and poor. 

 

it took 3 hours at the neighborhood clinic, an exam and a week before i was able to get a referral to yet another clinic.  i  go in the morning for a mammogram and possibly an ultrasound (to the tune of $400).  THIS is why we need the ACA.

 

if i didn't have a little money in the bank from my grandmother's estate i would be unable to get these tests.  it's abhorrent to me that i might die before i could get these tests just because i'm 6 months too young.  i'm 39.  my grandmother had a double-mastectomy at 39.  my aunt had breast cancer in her 20s. 

 

no matter, i will pay the $400 and get health insurance in january whether i have breast cancer (AKA a pre-existing condition) or not.

 

take THAT republicans!

 

grace and peace

 

emptiness

"grief makes one hour ten"  Richard II, Shakespeare

 

today has been one of those days:  nothing feels right, nothing satisfies, can't read, can't write, can't sit still, can't get anything done.  i feel, at once, sad, tired, angry, anxious and uneasy. 

 

i've been struggling with this new asthma diagnosis for almost 2 weeks now and i don't feel any better to date.  i hurt all over.  steroids seem to only be making me hungry.  the pharmacist is calling the doctor tomorrow for a more affordable inhaler as the one prescribed on friday is $153 (welcome to the world of the uninsured).  wouldn't you think at the clinic for the uninsured/underinsured that the doctors would just NOT write scripts for medicines without a generic?  i mean, seriously?! $153.  i was assured that there are plenty out there with a generic so that by thursday when the oral steroid is gone i will be able to afford the inhaler.  the x-rays and additional tests will just have to wait.

 

this days seems to have lasted 6 weeks.  i wish i could have slept it away but that's not to be.  insomnia persists.  i suppose i'll try to go to bed before long if only to avoid having to eat again.  i feel hollowed out.

 

much needed grace and peace  

 

  

practice what you preach

yesterday as i was driving home from a day of doctors and pharmacies and thoughts of being unemployed and uninsured i passed a church (let’s just say it was a Christian church and leave it at that) with a sign that announces the date and time and some bible verse, etc.  last night it said “if you don’t work, you don’t eat.”  no mention of the chapter and verse – just what felt like an accusation.  i know my bible and i know that this is paul in 2 Thessalonians 3:10 “for even when we were with you, we gave you this rule:  if a man will not work, he shall not eat.”  i will not interject a lot of scripture here but i will list a few regarding the poor, the hungry and the homeless for any who want to check them out. 

Matthew 25:35-46

Mark 10:21, 12:31, 12:41-44

Luke 9:58, 12:48, 14:12-14

I John 3:17 (this is the only one I will quote…) “if anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him how can the love of God be in him?”

as a smart, articulate, college-educated person i never thought that i would stand in a “free” clinic and tell the nurse that i am unemployed and uninsured and hand her $20 of my brother’s money to pay the co-pay.  nor did i imagine that i would again tell the pharmacist—“no, i don’t have any insurance” and, whether real or imagined, see judgment in the eyes looking back at me.  while i paid i was relieved that a check sent from my best friend will pay for my antibiotic. 

i lost my job due to an illness and a boss who ignored a letter from my doctor stating that i needed 5 days off.  after 4 days off with bronchitis and pneumonia i returned to work and was fired.  2 days later i lost my house, my car and all my possessions in a flood.  the first 6 months i helped rebuild this house with my bare hands.  over the next 16 months i have applied for 100+ jobs and sent resumes to nearly as many places and have had 2 interviews. at the end of both i was told that i am overqualified. 

there are many things that i don’t pretend to understand (i’ve never been married or divorced, i don’t have children, i’m not illiterate or homeless, i’ve not lost a parent or been seriously ill) so i don’t attempt to judge those things or pretend that i can fix them.  i am the child of divorce, i know what it’s like to graduate from college with $40,000.00 of debt, i know what being unemployed and uninsured mean, i know what it feels like to survive a natural disaster and i would like the same courtesy.  we each have our own burdens and none are to be taken lightly or dismissed.

the more i think about that sign the angrier i get.  to advertise that you, as a congregation, deign to understand what being homeless or hungry or out of work really feels like and really means in this day and age is condescending and uncaring.  are there people who abuse the system?  of course.  but there are many people like me…praying with all our hearts that we will be able to support ourselves without unemployment or any other “social program.”

Jesus said, “whatever you did for the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

grace and peace

naptime

i have chronicled my lack of sleep for several weeks now.  yesterday morning my exhaustion reached comedic proportions as i got in the shower with my socks on.  it was upwards of a full minute before i even noticed.  i was able to drive to my doctor's appointment though i don't remember the trip.  the good news was that i was approved for the prescription assistance program that will allow me to get the ridiculously expensive sleeping pill that was impossible for me to afford with no insurance.  even with insurance it is hundreds of dollars a month. 

i don't know what people do that don't have the resources, education, will and abilities that i do.  i can see how it easy it would be to give up and go without.  while i am depleted and overwhelmed i am still able to fill out the paperwork, set up chaperones for trips to the store, read articles and books on PTSD and anxiety disorders, call and arrange for trauma counselling, etc.  knowing that there are so many people out there who wouldn't be able to accomplish these seemingly basic tasks in the best of times, let alone during and after a trauma, is heartbreaking.  

i started out a bleeding-heart liberal and have only had those convictions reinforced in the last 18 months.  in that time i have had to file for and accept unemployment, stand in line at churches for food, clothing and supplies in the aftermath of losing everything in the flood, take money from friends, family, my church, other churches and even strangers.  i am a smart, college-educated, middle-class person who saw for the first time what it is really like to be "in need."  it changes you.  it changed me. 

i've been sleeping most of the day, as a result of my utter exhaustion or the sleeping pill i haven't a clue.  it doesn't matter to me as long as i can get a little sleep.  after a nap (i hope) i need to force myself to clean up a little before the health department makes a visit to this pigsty.

grace and peace