and the horse you rode in on

other than 2010 (AKA "the year of the flood") i have never been so ready to bid adieu to year in my life.  that year was full of tangible loss, you know them by now...say it with me...job, house, car, all my belongings but the worst losses were the unquantifiable:  the safe, secure place called "home," the "amy" i used to be, the ease of pre-flood life, the "normal" that was so easy to take for granted.

 

but 2013 has been a year of loss so unquantifiable and so hard that it's given 2010 a run for its money.  the first week of the year came with a surprising (at least for me) cancer diagnosis for my maternal grandfather.  by the second week of april, 6 days after my 39th birthday, he was gone. 

 

my great-aunt, only 9 years my mothers senior, died in may, followed in august by my maternal grandmother (rather unexpectedly.)  my paternal grandmother died just last month at age 96.  in 7 months time i lost 3 grandparents and a great-aunt to whom i was very close.

 

my grandparents (all 4 of them) were instrumental in my life.  almost all of my good memories of childhood took place in their homes.  i didn't have the sanest of childhood homes and my grandparents were saviors.  we relied on them for money, time, a safe place and some normalcy. 

 

i feel rather like an orphan with 2 living parents.

 

the last month of the year came with surgery for 2 of my 3 pets:  winston the pug and moxie the cat.  only kentucky the cat was spared.  they, all 3, are fine and healthy now though we still have to have stiches removed for winston and moxie.  also, i'm recovering from a nasty bout of the flu.  all in all i'd rather the year be in the rearview!

 

grace and peace and hope for a better 2014

no words of my own

i have nothing to say today at all but i just wanted to share a beautiful poem from mary oliver:

 

march

 

there isn't anything in this world but mad love.  not in this world.  no tame love, calm love, mild love, no so-so love.  and, of course, no reasonable love.  also there are a hundred paths through the world that are easier than loving.  but, who wants easier?  we dream of love, we moon about, thinking of romeo and juliet, or tristan, or the lost queen rushing away over the irish sea, all doom and splendor.  today, on the beach, an old man was sitting in the sun.  i called out to him, and he turned.  his face was like an empty pot.  i remember his tall, pale wife; she died long ago.  i remember his daughter-in-law.  when she died, hard, and too young, he wept in the streets.  he picked up pieces of wood, and stones, and anything else that was there, and threw them at the sea.  oh, how he loved his wife.  oh, how he loved young Barbara.  i stood in front of him, not expecting any answer and yet not wanting to pass without some greeting.  but his face had gone back to whatever he was dreaming.  something touched me, lightly, like a knife-blade.  i felt i was bleeding, though just a little, a hint.  inside i flared hot, then cold.  i thought of you.  whom i love, madly.  



7 days and counting...

i am not good at anniversaries.  i overthink them and dread them and remember them to a fault.  today is one week since i buried my grandmother.  today has been beyond sad for me. 

 

i feel the weight of all my recent, and not so recent, losses.  there are plenty to remember and i don't intend to rehash them now.  i just need to acknowledge that i am tired and sad and that i feel like i should be able to call "time out" and keep myself from having to face any more loss.  as we all know, life doesn't work that way even when it seems more than fair to wish for such a thing! 

 

grace and peace

is it just me?

i finished a book today and now i get to go through my all-time favorite ritual:

 

first - i write down the name of the book just read on my "books read" list.

 

second - i wander through the house picking up 7 or 8 books i think might be "the one."

 

third -  i read the backs or inside covers of all of them.

 

fourth - i weed out a couple based on similarity to the last book read, subject matter or my general mood.

 

fifth - i consider what i've been thinking about or influenced by that day, e.g. today i saw a college professor of mine so i'm thinking i might choose a book on the civil war, i also talked with a customer about presidential biographies so i might read a kennedy book in my stack in honor of the anniversary we have this week, i've been listening to willie nelson for the last 2 days almost non-stop so i might choose a music biography, the last 3 things i read were all fiction so i might go with non-fiction, etc.

 

i know i can't be the only "book person" who gets ultra-excited about what to read next, right?

 

grace and peace

1917-2013

mildred lehr crownover bradford

 

a week ago today i lost my grandmother:  the world is a little less sweet, a lot less funny and infinitely less righteous!  she was the strongest person i’ve ever known. she lost her mother at 4, moved around from family member to family member as her father worked to support his second wife and his 6 children.  she married and had 5 children of her own – 2 of whom she outlived. it’s not natural to outlive your children but she told me that she just figured that’s the way life was:  young people die before their time and we have to go on.  she outlived my grandfather, her henry, by 17 years.  she helped raise all 7 of her grandchildren and loved her 8 great-grandchildren beyond compare! 

she believed in God above all else and was comforted by His Word and His love to an extent that i will aspire to my entire life.  she could quote scripture as well as she could the children’s rhymes she learned as a child. even in her 96^th year she quoted rhymes and poems we had never heard her say.  it was amazing.  she was amazing!

i never visited that she didn’t make me laugh and ask me to “stay all night” with her though i had a home, at times, less than 5 miles away.  she loved peanuts and chocolate and peanuts covered in chocolate more than any food save potato chips.  she sang hymns while she cooked, did dishes, ironed the sheets, etc.  if she had never done anything to remember except the way she treated daddy it would be enough.  She never ate a meal that she didn’t say, “did buddy (joe) get enough to eat?,”  he was never out of her sight that she didn’t wonder, “where’s buddy?”  “is buddy here?”  “did buddy leave?”  he didn’t.  he was there for the last 15 years of her life.  he was with her as she took her last breath.  and he was by my side as i cried and cried and cried. 

i will miss her all my life.  she was the world to me. i praise God for her 96 faithful years. 

grace and peace  

 

save the ta-tas

a few weeks ago i noticed some sharp pains in my right breast.  then last week i noticed a burning/stinging pain on the underside of the same breast.  i did some online research while waiting for my numerous phone calls to be returned.  the good news:  breast cancer rarely presents with pain.  the bad news: i'm uninsured, not 40 (though i am 39 years, 6 months and 3 weeks old) and poor. 

 

it took 3 hours at the neighborhood clinic, an exam and a week before i was able to get a referral to yet another clinic.  i  go in the morning for a mammogram and possibly an ultrasound (to the tune of $400).  THIS is why we need the ACA.

 

if i didn't have a little money in the bank from my grandmother's estate i would be unable to get these tests.  it's abhorrent to me that i might die before i could get these tests just because i'm 6 months too young.  i'm 39.  my grandmother had a double-mastectomy at 39.  my aunt had breast cancer in her 20s. 

 

no matter, i will pay the $400 and get health insurance in january whether i have breast cancer (AKA a pre-existing condition) or not.

 

take THAT republicans!

 

grace and peace

 

the princess and the pea

a little more than three years ago when i moved back into this house after the flood i moved in a set of $25 mattresses that my mother bought at a yard sale.  i've slept on them nearly every night and EVERY night that i slept on them i was reminded that they weren't MINE.  they didn't feel like mine, they didn't sleep like mine, they weren't mine.

 

the first thing i wanted to do with a little money from my grandmother's estate was buy new mattresses.  i did.  my mother had to go shopping with me and daddy had to be here today as they were delivered but tonight i will sleep on MY OWN MATTRESSES!

 

nearly 3 1/2 years since the flood and things are still undone, in disrepair, unpainted, neglected and downright ignored but this one little thing is a BIG thing.  i spend so much time bemoaning the fact that everything i own is a replacement for something i lost and while that is true and disconcerting i hope i will not feel that way when i lie down tonight.  it's gonna get cold tonight and the dog and cats and i are gonna pile up in our new bed and start a new book. 

 

grace and peace

inertia

STUCK! 

 

that's how i feel today.  i feel it most days in some sense but today it's worse.  i can't seem to find the energy, the wherewithal, the motivation or the drive to do much of anything.  i don't want to clean, i don't want to cook, i don't want to read or write or practice my guitar.  i just want to sit and stare at the tv without being able to pay the least bit of attention to the football game i've been "watching" since 3 p.m.  it's now halftime and i can't recall having seen one actual play. 

 

i had big plans for the yesterday:  take car in for oil change, run by and see the changes to my grandparents place, visit with a friend, buy a baby gift, shop for some clothes, buy books for the store.  those things i managed with the help of my dear friend, kelly.

 

today the plans were:  church, shop for mattresses, buy my bike, ride my bike, do laundry, return a few things i bought at goodwill yesterday, cook, clean, etc.  okay, that's WAY to much for me to do in one weekend but today so far i've finished a very short book and made myself a smoothie.  that's it.  oh, i picked out 1 or 2 songs on the guitar...

 

inertia.  when days like this come i become overly anxious that my post-flood like will never be free of days when i just CAN'T. DO. ANYTHING!  granted, because i've always been an insomniac, i had days like this pre-flood BUT now they come filled with the memory of the exhaustion, the panic, the fear, the numbness and the pain of those post-flood "down days".  the ones where all i could do was sit and stare at the wall completely disconnected from the world and living in a constant state of post-trauma shock. 

 

those of us living with PTSD usually have a handful, or more, of triggers that set off panic attacks or heightened anxiety.  i have several and one of them is being overly tired.  that's where i am today and i'm wishing that i were off for columbus day tomorrow.

 

grace and peace  

two peas in a pod

i spent a long time today talking to a wonderful lady about books and trauma and survival.  she lost everything in katrina in new orleans.  she talked, listened and understood.  it's invaluable to meet people who know what a loss like that means. 

 

for all my anxiety and panic, stress and fear i am grateful for days like today when all the pain and anger feel like they serve a purpose.  to have her come into the store and find what she was looking for and provide what i was looking for (a bit of peace) i feel humbled.

 

i also feel tired.  tired to the bone.  like i've had a marathon therapy session and now all i want to do is lie on the couch in the dark with the dog and listen to the rain.  i can't concentrate enough to enjoy the new episodes of TV (on the lone CBS station) and even though i am super excited about the new stephen king novel i have no hope of comprehending so i'll save it for tomorrow. 

grace and peace

 



and so it goes

for those of us with PTSD there is a new (30 years old now) therapy called EMDR  (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing).  it is supposed to help the right and left sides of the brain process trauma as a whole. 

 

when trauma happens the left side of the brain - the logical, linear, problem-solving side of the brain shuts down and the right side of the brain stores all the trauma.  the right side of the brain is the sights, sounds, feelings, reactions, memories, etc.  it takes on all the trauma but stores it in a fractious manner.  there is no ability for the PTSD affected brain to convince itself that the trauma happened yesterday, last week, last year or at age 5.  the right brain tells us that the trauma is happening NOW. 

 

EMDR is supposed to help transfer the trauma to the logical and chronological left side of the brain and help my right brain and my memories, my heart, my fight-or-flight-or-freeze response to be put into perspective.

 

i am TERRIFIED of this therapy.  i have to relive each moment of the trauma (in this case the flood - though i have had many traumas in my life) and work on moving it around inside my damaged, tired, scared and scarred brain. 

 

i have documented the losses of the flood for 3 years now.  there have been many more non-flood related losses as well.  a quick list:  a dog, an aunt, a cat, a grandfather, a great-aunt, a grandmother (7 days ago) my other, 96 year old grandmother, is in the hospital with pneumonia. 

 

EMDR can't do what it's supposed to do if the participant (patient - ME) is in the middle of a new lose or recent grief.  today i feel like i will never be at a time and place when there WON'T be a new loss.  i'm so tired of loss and grief and pain and fear.  it's the classic double edged sword or catch-22, whichever you prefer.  

 

RIP Elizabeth Ray Jackson Lowe Willis, my grandmother, who had much more trauma in her 87 years than i in my 39.  i love you!

grace and peace

"it's my party..."

i waited all day long to get to the house and cry in private.  now i'm here and NOTHING!  i guess crying in public all day at work today was enough.  it doesn't feel like enough.

 

grace and peace

breathe in, breathe out

my anxiety is through the roof.  last night i worried all night that someone would break into the bookstore and steal orson the cat.  no one did, but that didn't keep me from worrying all night about it.  tonight i had to go the CVS (one of 2 pre-approved places that i can shop - the other being trader joe's) and the lady that is usually at the check-out went on break while i was shopping and i couldn't check out because i didn't know the guy behind the counter.  i had to stay an extra 20 minutes, and spend an extra $20, until my normal lady got off break. 

 

i finally realized once i got home tonight that my heightened anxiety has been present since the day that there was flooding in nashville a couple of weeks ago.  i've got a call in to my psychiatrist to talk about my meds but i haven't heard anything yet. 

 

i was talking to someone about PTSD today and i got anxious all over again about the fact that it doesn't go away but that those of us afflicted have to learn how to live with it instead of how to cure it.  that's anathema to me.  i want it gone and cured and in my past not just "managed!"  it's such a hard thing to accept.

 

my therapy is progressing but i always feel like it's one step forward and two steps back.  i guess that's normal.  i don't know.  i don't know much right now. 

 

grace and peace  

the sun'll come out...

i can't even describe how i feel today.  no matter how many times it happens it's hard to acknowledge that i can't describe or even define my feelings or my emotions.  i woke up this morning thinking that i was getting sick:  i was achy and sore, tired and feverish.  as the day went on i realized that i wasn't necessarily sick but perhaps anxious. 

 

it's not the usual path my anxiety takes.  i can't read, can't write, can't watch a video, can't sleep, can't rest, can't sit outside and can't find a comfortable place inside. 

 

all i can do on days like this is pray for peace and look forward to tomorrow.  maybe it will be better...

 

grace and peace  

enough's enough!

for a flood victim this much rain is scary.  it's not supposed to be rainy like this in august.  january, yes, but not august.  my anxious mind and heart can't take much more.  the sun peaked out for a few minutes today but it wasn't enough.

 

the flooding is supposed to continue in the area and, though i don't believe i am in any danger, it means that i can't turn on the TV (the one channel that i have) and i can't escape the panic that i feel on a nearly-continuous basis. 

 

the last few days have taken a toll and i feel less like myself than ever.  that's saying something.  it causes me to believe that i will never get better, never put this behind me, never NOT be a victim.  i'm so tired. 

 

i hear the rain on the skylight as i type this and feel my heart racing to match the cacophony.  it hurts. 

 

i had errands to run today before work and i have more tomorrow.  i think i'll try to get in bed early and pray for sleep or at least rest.

 

grace and peace 

death on a cracker

i have no idea where the phrase "death on a cracker" comes from but i know it when i feel it.  

 

today's been a hard day.  i'm very tired, not sleeping and am feeling extra anxious.  the long weeks and months of sleep deprivation build up and my body eventually shuts down - i have an occasional weekend where i'm just no good.  i had that weekend this weekend and now it's monday night and i'm still just as tired.  i got home from work on friday around 6:30 and didn't leave the house (except to walk the dog) until this morning at a few minutes after 10.  not much sleep but not much else either. 

 

when this kind of tired hits i am reminded of how i felt for the 6 months to a year after the flood.  the sheer pain of exhaustion is a trigger like no other:  sirens, flashing lights, rushing water just to name a few.

 

i wish i had a week on a beach somewhere or, better yet, a week in a medically-induced coma.

 

grace and peace      

when it rains it SUCKS!

here's how many times i DIDN'T think of the flood today:

 

1.  i DIDN'T think of the flood when i got to work this morning and there was half of a wet ceiling tile on the floor and dozens of books ruined.

 

2.  i DIDN'T think of the flood when i had my first asthma attack of the day after trying to ascertain which books needed to be removed from the shelves.

 

3.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as i took pictures for the inevitable insurance claim.

 

4.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as clouds moved in and the sky grew heavy.

 

5.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as the rain fell.

 

6.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as a generous employee of a neighboring business helped me pull dry books off the shelves into boxes and garbage bags.

 

7.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as the water pooled at my feet.

 

8.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as i talked on the phone to the owner of the bookstore.

 

9.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as ceiling tiles fell around me.

 

i DID think of the flood as i contemplated someone (anyone but me) pulling all the wet books off the shelves and dragging them to the dumpster. 

 

i have thought of nothing else.

 

i filed the insurance claim and arranged a crew to come start the clean-up TOMORROW when i'm not there.  

 

i cannot let the bookstore, my "safe place," become bogged down in memories of wet, smelly, belongings that are precious and ruined.

 

here's hoping i'm able to actually do that.

 

grace and peace

 

 

 

 

 

be kind: please rewind

for those of us who grew up in the 80s you know what this title means.  for the youngsters: this phrase was found on VHS tapes (for our top-loading $600 VCRs) as a reminder to rewind the movie we had driven to the video store to rent, paid for, driven home and watched - assuming it was a good copy - and then were fined for if we returned it the next day without having rewound it.

 

tonight as i was watching "skyfall," the latest james bond film, i was thinking about this phrase.  i had to hurry and watch so i could get it back to the mcdonald's redbox before 9:00 and was anxious about it.  i didn't want to go out.  i was wishing i hadn't gone out yesterday to get it.  i was thinking that pre-flood i would never have missed a james bond movie in the theater.  now i can't go to movies and i hardly ever think to rent them. 

 

i was thinking that i wanted to REWIND to yesterday and stay home therefore not having the pressure of today.  the "have to go out" stress i now live with.  (truth the told, that's always been stress for me it's just much worse now.)  then i thought if i could REWIND to the time in which the movie was in theaters then i could have retroactively avoided any stress today.  however, if i could REWIND that far, how about just REWINDING to my pre-flood life.  

 

the trouble with that, and i know i repeat myself, is that i have no memory of that time or me in that time.  i feel so different than that person - the pre-flood amy.

 

i know we don't get do-overs and i know that we have to live and play with the cards we are dealt.  i'm just not sure how to do that and ever find this elusive "new normal" i keep hearing about.

 

grace and peace (and don't forget to REWIND!)  

halftime

today is july 1.  half the year is gone.  i wish i could say that i am 6 months closer to well or that this first half of the year has been better than the last but none of that is true.  yes, i love my job but i am still anxious all the time.  i'm still afraid all the time.  i still feel like someone else all the time.  i don't even know what being amy would feel like anymore.

 

it's exhausting to always have to try so hard just to function.  it's amazing to me the things i neglect that i NEVER would have pre-flood.  i just don't always care about sheets on the bed or clean clothes or food to eat.

 

all i want to do is read books and play the guitar (learn to play the guitar, that is.)

 

grace and peace  

highs and lows

yesterday i had a horrible day.  i learned that a girl i went to school with committed suicide.  i didn't really know her but it's a blow.  it's desperately sad and inexplicable.  my best friend from elementary school killed herself more than a decade ago and it was/is still devastating.  the news from yesterday sent me into a deep dark sadness. 

 

with the sadness came intense anxiety.  i had one of those days (you women understand) where i was starving.  by about 5:00 i had had a bite or two of everything in the house and was left with the knowledge that i had to cook dinner if i were gonna eat.  i had no interest in such and wanted to order a pizza.

 

see, it's not that easy.  one of the fears i have is a knock at the door.  even leaving the door open so i can see the pizza delivery person through the storm door isn't possible because i'm anxious about strangers approaching the house.  no way i could order a pizza!  then i began to feel more anxious and desperately uneasy.  and hungry. 

 

will this ever change?  will i ever be back to who i was before?  can i accept this "new normal" that i'm supposed to be embracing?  will i ever be able to simply order a pizza?  i don't know.

 

then as the day finally wound down i was thrilled, relieved and so happy to look up and see the sweet little face of my kitty moxie at the french door.  she had been gone for more than 3 weeks and i was sure she was gone for good.  she's skinny and she has a limp.  she's eaten and eaten and eaten and slept.  she won't let me out of my sight.  i guess she's been locked in somewhere - an outbuilding probably.  bless her little heart.  i'm in for the day to love on and take care of her. 

 

she may have to go to the vet in the morning but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  she seems to be in no pain but i'm concerned about the limp.  i'm so glad she's home.  she redeemed my really hard sad day!

 

grace and peace

my kingdom for a vacation

yesterday:  drug store before work and grocery store after work.

 

today:  therapy before work and walk after work.

 

i'm tired and upset that even though i'm busy i'm still very anxious.  i'm feeling a lot of stress these days about death.  not mine.  everyone else's.  since anxiety has become a large part of my life i've spent a lot of time thinking/expecting/waiting for everyone around me to die.  all at once.  on the same day.  

 

since i have had a couple of hard losses lately i am again obsessed with this thought.  it's exhausting.

 

having one of those nights where i just want to hide under the covers and sleep for 6 months.  that's something coming from an insomniac who can't even sleep 6 hours!   

 

grace an peace

season 4

what i should do tomorrow:  fill up my gas tank, go to church, go put in an hour of work on the store bank accounts, wash my car, give winston a bath, trim the holly bushes in the front yard, wash at least 2 loads of laundry, fold the clean clothes that are sitting in a pile on the dryer (don't judge - i'm not the only one!), cook pasta for supper (enough for leftovers for a few nights), run the dishwasher, change my sheets and try for a good night's sleep. 

 

what i will probably do:  watch "arrested development."

 

no doubt what i'll be saying on monday morning, "i've made a huge mistake."

 

grace and peace (and much needed laughter)



maximum capacity

i've begun to wonder if there will come a point when my ability to feel loss will cease to exist.  can i shut down any more than i already have?  i've lived a life of numbness - will it always be this way?

 

in 3 years i've lost a job, a house, a car, all my belongings, a dog, 2 cats, an aunt, a grandfather, a great-aunt, my safety, my sanity, my will, my independence, my security, my figure, my new man, most of my friends, my energy, my interests, myself.

 

the losses keep coming and i keep going.  i don't want to, i don't want to feel the loss and the pain, but there is no alternative.  i have to keep going.  i do have a job i love but it's not enough money to live.  i have 2 beloved pets left and i continue to spoil them as much as i can.

 

i'm so tired of the way things are but it's the way things are.

 

grace and peace

there'll be days like this

how's my day been, you ask?

 

i had a therapy appointment before work.  left the house an hour early, got there on time (always a WIN) and made it to work on time.  a decent day in a good week.  i love selling books.

 

i had my worst cash register discrepancy ever.  finally figured it out but i was work an extra 45 minutes.  there went my walk.  by the time i got home it was well after 8 i was starving.  at this point my day is 2 hours longer than normal.  inside and NO POWER!  did i pay the bill?  i thought so but i had NO POWER.  i called.  yes, i paid PART of the bill but not all the bill.  hottest day of the year so far, pug inside, NO POWER.  winston the pug was hot and i was mad.  i paid the $189 over the phone but now i can't pay my mortgage.  that's next week so i won't worry about it tonight.  (just call me scarlett!)

 

i was warned that it may take up to 4 hours for the power to be restored.  remember, i was starving and all i had that didn't have to be cooked was a banana.  that wouldn't do.  only had $5 and the closest place to get food is mcdonald's.  remember i'm a vegetarian.  luckily the power was back on in about 45 minutes and i whipped up a quick dinner of couscous and veggies.

 

now i'm broke(r). and tired.  and i have to work a full day tomorrow at my store instead of the shorter day at the store i usually work on fridays.  luckily this house is small and it doesn't take much time to cool off.  oh, there was a big puddle of water in the kitchen where the ice melted out of the ice maker.  i almost fell in that which would have been icing on the cake.  i cleaned it up while i was on the phone with NES in a kitchen lit by my key chain flashlight.  

 

maybe tomorrow will be better.

 

grace and peace   

may 2, continued

i drove home tonight shaking like a drunk and sweating like a whore in church.

 

daddy came to be with me at work for the last couple of hours – that was a big help.  but the minute i started north from work i started to feel like i was “under water.” 

my vision began to change, my heart to pound and i had to turn the radio off because the noise was too much.  i just kept thinking that if i could get in the house and shut out the outside world then i wouldn’t have to think about it.  i could just eat my dinner and be with my pets.

first i had to make it there.  i almost came home by the interstate and luckily remembered that if i did that i would have to drive across the river and i can’t do that – today of all days.  i came north on briley and closed my eyes when the river came into view on my left about a half a mile from my exit.  just how would i have explained that if i had caused an accident?

that was the least of my worries.  my head was pounding, i was talking to river as if it could hear and understand my anger and grief.  i’ve hated that river for 3 years for what it did to me.  but it just did what rivers do:  20 inches of rain in 36 hours is simply too much, it had to break free.  but i still can’t.  i’m afraid and i’m anxious and i’m angry and i’m tired.

there is so much that day did to me but the worst of it is that it made me into somebody i’m not.  i was never anxious, i was never afraid of anything.  and now i’m a big coward.  i’m afraid of so many things that make me feel crazy.  i’m afraid of suffering from PTSD my whole life.  i’m afraid that i won’t be able to get better until i can get out of this house and it’s now worth a whole lot less than i paid for it and whole lot less than i owe. 

i love my job but i don’t make enough to qualify for an apartment, let alone a house, even if i were able to unload this heap! 

i lost my safety, my sanity, my boldness, my self-assurance that day.  none of the “stuff” – the physical things – that i lost can compare to the feelings that changed in me and the loss of me. 

i’ve made it to 10:45 and i think i’ll turn out the lights, get into bed and watch an episode of some mindless tv show.  i’ve earned that much.

grace and peace

this is how it really happened

i’ve been asked by several people who read this blog to give an account of the day of the flood.  since today is the 3^rd anniversary i thought i’d try.

i’ll go back a day to saturday, may 1, 2010.  i had just been fired on friday for missing 4 days of work, with a doctor’s note, with bronchitis and pneumonia.  i spent the day on the couch angry and sick.  it rained all day.  HARD.  I-40 east was closed (one route to my aunt and uncles.)

i slept little the night of saturday-sunday.  it rained all night.

i got up before 6 a.m. on sunday morning and knew right away i wouldn’t try to get out for church.  still raining and i felt awful.  power was on and off all day.  i walked the dogs at about 9 a.m. for 10 minutes when the rain let up and talked to some neighbors.  i found that mcgavock was now closed.  there are 2 roads in and out of my neighborhood:  mcgavock and briley.  with mcgavock closed that eliminated my aunt and uncles house to the east and one of the routes south to daddy’s.

the rain continued, i struggled to breathe and thought about where to apply for a job.  outside my backyard fence there is a hill 10-12 feet down that leads to a common area about the size of a football field where our dogs can run without leashes.  in the center of this space there is a slight dip about a foot deep and 30 feet across.  by midday there was water in the hole.  every half hour i went out to look.  it never changed. 

3 p.m. i went out again to walk the dogs (my golden retriever and my pug.)  i learned then that briley parkway was closed, both north and south.  i was officially stuck.  no way out.  daddy lives south, mama west and my brother, north.  no matter – no way out.

no satellite, no power, no way out.

i was getting calls on my cell phone every hour by most family members telling me to leave.  leave?  how?

by 7 p.m. there was no change.  still raining, no power, roads closed, cell phone battery dying, frantic calls.  i, with pneumonia, laid on the couch for lack of anything to do, and slept for 45 minutes.  when i woke i went out back to check and there was water a foot from my fence.  i called my brother and told him i was leaving.  the only thing i could think to do was drive 2 miles to the end of the main road where there is a church on a hill.  almost 2 miles from the river.  oh, i live yards from the river.  the cumberland.  it is just behind the football-size common area behind the house. 

it’s about 8 p.m. now - i grabbed a bag, put in a pair of shorts, a t-shirt, my cell phone, 4 or 5 bibles, my purse and put those in small SUV, a kia sportage.  i got the 2 dog beds, the dog food, the cat food and loaded them, loaded the dogs, went back in one more time for the cat and the one bottle of unopened red wine.  i spoke to a few neighbors and asked where they were going.  everyone was headed to the church.  water was pouring into my street to my right (i’m the 3^rd house on the street.)  it was 2 houses away.  a man in a canoe with a bullhorn was telling us to evacuate:  “you MUST evacuate, it’s a matter of minutes, briley parkway north will be open by the time you get there! EVACUATE!”  water was 4 houses away to my left (now my only way out of the subdivision.  i started the car and drove into the water.  3/10 of a mile from home i turned right 4/10s of a mile from the main road.

50 feet after my turn, i was following a larger SUV, i felt my tires lift off the road and i floated.  and i thought, “this is it, we’re all 4 going to die…right now.”  there is a large pond to my right a good 12-15 below the road but water was well over the tires of the ford expedition in front of me.  i knew we would drown.  if the car in front of me were a sedan, or if i were in a sedan, i don’t think i would have made it.

when i finally got to the main road i felt the tires grip the wet road.  2 miles away i got to briley and headed north.  i was headed to the river.  a half mile from the briley exit my car died.  it was a manual 5-speed and i kept it going another ½ mile.  now my car is dead, my house is under water, i’m a mile from the rapidly rising river.  it’s still raining. 

i couldn’t get through to my brother but i finally got daddy.  he called my brother to pick me up.  he was the only one that lived north and could get to me.  he was 40 miles away.  i was ready to die.  i was afraid that i wouldn’t be able to get out of the car when he came to get me.  i was afraid that we would all be dead.  i though about letting the animals out so they could find higher ground but i couldn’t move.  i just set with my phone in my hand and told the dogs and cat that we would be okay – never believing it.

an hour later he got there and i managed to transfer my few possessions to his car and make it to his house.  when i got there i realized i had no litter box, no toothbrush, no underwear, no corkscrew.  somehow i had the presence of mind to drive to wal-mart a few minutes before midnight and buy a few things.  i didn’t sleep at all and the next morning i saw my house on the news as a man in a boat took home video.  only boats could get in because the river was 5 days away from cresting.

this is what may 2 means to me.

(the red point on the map is pretty close to where my house is.  it’s just a little closer to the river.  this is no way across the river but to drive the 2 miles south to the nearest entrance to briley almost between the country club and park.)

grace and peace and prayers for today

 

 

 

 

beginning of a hard week

it rained all day yesterday.  it rained all night.  thursday is may 2:  3 years since the flood.  i walked this floor yesterday as if i were gonna have to swim my way out.  talk of flood watches and warnings abounded - my anxiety skyrocketed.  

 

sleep was hard in coming.  i managed an hour or so after the rain finally stopped.  today i'm so tired that i cannot see or think straight.  i finally made it to the kitchen to cook supper where i unloaded the dishwasher and put a load of towels in the washing machine.  

 

now i'm waiting for time to go to bed.  i can't go before 12 or so because i will be up at 3 or 4 otherwise.  i remember what i cooked and ate for supper - pasta.  i remember most of what i read today (probably only because it's one of the best writers ever - larry mcmurtry.)  now i'm having a really hard time remembering if i took a shower or not.  i've washed all the towels so i can't judge. 

 

when my anxiety is this intense i lose time and i have a hard time remembering very basic things.  i hate the way it feels.  i feel crazy and lost.  i don't think we're due any more rain for a few days so that should help a little but may 2 looms...

 

grace and peace

life goes...on...

i'm having that sensation today that we all get on the day of a loss, a funeral or the first day back to "normal."  the "my life has changed forever and these people are going about business as usual" feeling.

i feel pretty empty and tired and hot (85 degrees today and the air conditioning at the bookstore is out.)  i just can't wait to close up and get to the house.  i have no internet at home (again) so i thought i'd post while i had access.  

i'm tired of losing things and people and pets.  the third anniversary of the flood is looming and i dread it.  someone mentioned may 2 today as the day they will close on a house and i thought i would scream!

in serious need of sleep!

grace and peace

1926-2013

87 years. a long successful life, full of family, love, God and service. granddaddy lived well and loved much. i will miss him.

in loving memory of James Walter Willis. march 11, 1926-april 13, 2013

grace and peace

day 2

for obvious reasons i'm anxious.  my grandfather died yesterday morning.  i have to leave the house in about an hour to head to the visitation at the funeral home.  yes, it will be mainly family but some will be people that i haven't seen in years and years.  certainly not since the flood.  since my anxiety can now  be registered on the richter scale i find it frightening as hell to have to go stand in a room full of people and grieve.  i just want to be left alone to do it on my own. 

 

i've never been one of those people who are freaked out by dead bodies or won't go to the casket or anything like that but i find the whole thing...being laid out in front of people...covered in tammy faye baker makeup...dead...quite ridiculous and unnecessary.  i know some people need all that to accept that their loved ones are really gone but i know he's gone.  he's no more gone to me by standing over his body. 

 

i've always wanted to be cremated and i refuse to have any kind of funeral.  if people want to get together and remember me..fine..but don't you dare let them do it in a funeral home!!!!!  i always find it to be a hinderance to the grieving process and i can't wait for tomorrow to be over.

 

much needed grace and peace  

a watched pot never boils

what does one call the anticipation of a bad thing?  dread?  fear?  i don't know but that's where i am.  my grandfather has slipped into a coma today.  though i've been saying, "it's only a matter of time" for a week now, it's here. 

 

i don't feel like i want to be there when he draws his last breath but to be 50 miles away and waiting on a phone call is unbearable.  i'm not working tomorrow because i have wonderful co-workers who have my back and because i can't take one more day of trying to be "normal" while watching my cell phone in...anticipation.

 

i'm going to have to shop for clothes to wear because i'm not the same size as the the last time i had to dress up.  that's stress enough.  i'm a BIGGER size not a smaller size so that makes me anxious and the money makes me anxious and shopping for clothes to wear to my grandfather's funeral (which i'm not gonna want to wear again) is too much. 

 

on this very rainy day i was blessed with a slow work day and a lengthy visit with my favorite cousin and her family.  she always makes me feel better.  she doesn't know this but the last words our grandfather spoke were to her and they were..."i love you." 

 

i talked with my best friend on the way home - which always helps too - and was able to find the energy to cook dinner.  now i'm ready to finish the last 50 pages of my book and turn the lights off and watch "dr. who."

 

grace and peace



can't win for losing

feeling pretty put-upon this morning.  almost got hit by a grandmother, on her cellphone, with her 2 granddaughters in the back seat.  i was coming to work through the gulch, where the roads are curvy and unpredictable, and while she was sitting still in the left lane at 12th and division i was approaching the light in the right lane just as it turned green.  she floored it and immediately got into the right lane...my lane.  i had to slam on the brakes and somehow narrowly escape jumping the curb and smashing into a pole.  i flashed my lights at her and honked my horn.  she never so much as looked up.  i sped up and passed her with my heart pounding and panic setting in.  i got to work before my anxiety went through the roof.  

now i'm here and panicking!

i was already upset by 2 much smaller occurrences:  yesterday i stopped at CVS (one of my 2 preapproved "safe" places) and bought 2 diet cokes which were supposed to be on sale for 2 for $3 but i checked the receipt after i got to work and saw that i was charged full price.  i can't stop thinking about it.  i'm mad.  

then this morning as i getting my lunch together i noticed, in the bag of individually wrapped trail mix that i eat as a snack, that one of the 12 bags was empty.  EMPTY!  when money is as tight as it is i can't have a missed snack and paying full price for a diet coke i should have gotten free.

at least i'm here now and safe.  i can stand to miss a snack and the $1.50.  it's just the principle of the thing...

grace and peace  

versa v. mustang

i should write more, i know.  i just can't seem to get it together.  and anyway it seems that as soon as i get one bill paid another gets behind so i either have phones but no food or electricity and no internet, etc. 

 

i got into a fight with 4 teenage boys in a mustang on the way home tonight and realized i was acting like a kid myself--in my tiny nissan.  why did it matter to me that the driver was showing off?while he was driving irresponsibly i was never in any real danger but i reacted as if i were.  i drove way too fast to get around him, and around him again, and finally got off at my exit (with him in my rearview mirror.)

 

i had a good day at work but my anxiety is ever-present.  i just kept waiting to leave and then realized that i like it better there than i do here.  ugh!  sleep won't come but i'm determined to be in bed early tonight and pray with all my might that i get a good nights sleep.  i could sure use one.

 

be patient with me and i will get back to writing on a regular basis soon...i hope.

 

grace and peace

writer's block

i have never felt less like writing in my life than i do now.  i just can't think of anything to say.  i suppose some of it is that i have fallen back into the routine of work, errands, home, read, pets, sleep, do it all over again. 

 

my grandfather's cancer diagnosis has hit hard.  he's 86 and dying.  his death will be hard, not just his physical absence, but the repercussions for my grandmother and the rest of the family.  i'm still in the frame of mind that one more loss, one more heartbreak, will be able to push me over the edge of sanity and that i will be unable to come back. 

 

intellectually i know that it's unlikely but it sure feels real to me.  i struggle every day to survive and to take care of myself and the pets while holding down a job and trying to pay $10 here and $10 there to all my creditors.  not so much fun.

 

i'm still as tired and as frazzled as i can be. 

 

grace and peace

 

   

i'm back

it's not that i haven't felt like writing it's just that i've had absolutely nothing to say.  yes, i made it through the holidays. they are over for one more year and i'm glad.  nothing's new, nothing's changed, nothing's better nor is it worse.

 

i feel as overwhelmed as always and as anxious.  there is so much to be done and yet after a shower i feel as if i've done all that i can do.  i'm an empty well.  i may not be digging any deeper but i sure can't see a way out.

 

it's an exhausting way to exist.  it certainly doesn't feel like living.

 

i kinda feel like i should stick to the old adage, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

 

grace and peace