laughter is the best medicine

"dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which i guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."  deep thoughts by jack handey

i spent today at my brother's house with the family.  i laughed hard, more than once, at my hilarious niece and nephew.  those kids are too funny.  they are quirky and smart, sarcastic and lovely.  they love me no matter what; no matter how misanthropic and introverted i can be.  i laugh so rarely now that it's a shock to my system.  it feels unnatural even as it's happening.  what a shame!  i hope that one day laughter will be a normal part of my life again and not just an anomaly.  

we watched hours of french open tennis until we turned it to stanley cup hockey.  i learned of many things that i've missed out on because of my lack of TV:  a new 'batman,' a new 'men in black,' a new 'spiderman?'  i had no idea.  just another reminder of how disconnected i am from the world around me.  

my niece made it clear that she would not be spending any time with me over the summer.  her reasoning:  no TV, no meat (i'm a vegetarian) and no sweets.  not for her, she said; i'm boring and weird.  she can't imagine how hard these last 2 years have been and the toll that they've taken.  i hope she never knows.

in the house full of activity, talk, TV, laughing, singing, yelling and fighting i, at times, felt very nervous and overwhelmed.  i don't realize the level of quiet to which i have become accustomed.  i wouldn't trade these days with them for anything though.  when i have a job and am able to see them less i will ache for these days of their childhood spent basking in the light and ease of summer.

this one's for you mackenzie and ben.  i love you!

grace and peace        



95 and counting

i spent today celebrating my grandmother's 95th birthday.  she, my 2 aunts, cousin, daddy and i went to eat and then visited for hours on end (as the bradfords are want to do.)  we listened to stories of her 95 years--her first memory (having pneumonia before her 2nd birthday) the first time she rode in a car (her mother's funeral a month before her 5th birthday) the first time she experienced indoor plumbing and electric lights (a trip to ft. worth to visit an aunt with her daddy and sister not long after her mother died.)  those things are invaluable to know.

i have been blessed with close relationships with my grandparents.  my daddy's daddy died the year i graduated from college.  i was 22.  my other 3 grandparents are alive.  i'm 38!  i love to hear the stories of relatives i never knew, the nicknames, the childhood memories (like the fact that 2 of my grandmama's sisters shared the same imaginary friend, harley.)  those are priceless things.

my anxiety has been high the last few days in anticipation of today.  knowing it would mean a long day outside the house and a trip to a public place.  that, and the ever-present, post-flood fear i have of death.  i spent too many hours worried about the phone call that never came telling me that grandmama hadn't lived to 95.  she was tired at the end of the day but she is fine.  i love her with all my heart.

"95, and my kids still can't keep up with me!"

this has never been more true of a 95 year old.  she still washes and dries the dishes after every meal (no dishwashers for her!)  she did say when i asked her the convenience she most appreciated that when granddaddy bought the electric washing machine that it was nice.  i imagine so with a husband and 5 kids...

i love you mildred lehr crownover bradford!  you are the most Godly, precious woman i've ever known.

grace and peace

death comes in threes

this is my first blog post and virtually my first blog anything.  i'm not the most technically savvy person, nor am i terribly social, so i'm not a facebook/twitter, always connected, text while driving, sleep with my smart phone beside my bed type 21st century gal.  i'm starting this blog because of advice given me by several people i trust who have my best interests at heart.

the long and short of it is that i have recently undergone a very traumatic year and am facing debilitating anxiety and PTSD (hence the name of this blog).  i will no doubt get to recent events in future posts but today i thought i would start by sharing how my anxiety has manifested today in both a strange and comical manner.  (at least i can laugh at a lot of my irrational thinking.)

while having chosen not to replace my television after the flood (see, there is a story to be told here) i am exposed only to what passes for television in the form of hulu for current series and netflix for mostly long since cancelled or older series.  lately my sitcom of choice is "the larry sanders show" and today i watched an episode on which appeared john ritter, gene siskel and warren zevon.  one by one as they filled my 17" laptop screen i realized, and said out loud to my pug winston (AKA:  "the world's worst dog"), "oh no, he's dead!" and with each new walk-on i said this louder and with rising alarm.  my anxiety makes me spend a lot of time worried about those around me dying and i, of course, feel like i'm dying most of the time.  seeing these men, all of whom i watched and listened to for years, in living color, as they say, sent me into a panic about death and dying that was heart-breaking.  all the while i kept thinking, "how in the hell is it possible that all 3 were on this one episode and that all 3 would die much too early?!"  what are the chances of something like that?

that's been several hours ago now and i feel a little better.  took winston for a walk and maeve, my cat, followed like she always does.  

grace and peace