Sunday, January 27, 2013

writer's block

i have never felt less like writing in my life than i do now.  i just can't think of anything to say.  i suppose some of it is that i have fallen back into the routine of work, errands, home, read, pets, sleep, do it all over again. 
 
my grandfather's cancer diagnosis has hit hard.  he's 86 and dying.  his death will be hard, not just his physical absence, but the repercussions for my grandmother and the rest of the family.  i'm still in the frame of mind that one more loss, one more heartbreak, will be able to push me over the edge of sanity and that i will be unable to come back. 
 
intellectually i know that it's unlikely but it sure feels real to me.  i struggle every day to survive and to take care of myself and the pets while holding down a job and trying to pay $10 here and $10 there to all my creditors.  not so much fun.
 
i'm still as tired and as frazzled as i can be. 
 
grace and peace
 
   

Sunday, January 6, 2013

i'm back

it's not that i haven't felt like writing it's just that i've had absolutely nothing to say.  yes, i made it through the holidays. they are over for one more year and i'm glad.  nothing's new, nothing's changed, nothing's better nor is it worse.
 
i feel as overwhelmed as always and as anxious.  there is so much to be done and yet after a shower i feel as if i've done all that i can do.  i'm an empty well.  i may not be digging any deeper but i sure can't see a way out.
 
it's an exhausting way to exist.  it certainly doesn't feel like living.
 
i kinda feel like i should stick to the old adage, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
 
grace and peace