beginning of a hard week

it rained all day yesterday.  it rained all night.  thursday is may 2:  3 years since the flood.  i walked this floor yesterday as if i were gonna have to swim my way out.  talk of flood watches and warnings abounded - my anxiety skyrocketed.  

 

sleep was hard in coming.  i managed an hour or so after the rain finally stopped.  today i'm so tired that i cannot see or think straight.  i finally made it to the kitchen to cook supper where i unloaded the dishwasher and put a load of towels in the washing machine.  

 

now i'm waiting for time to go to bed.  i can't go before 12 or so because i will be up at 3 or 4 otherwise.  i remember what i cooked and ate for supper - pasta.  i remember most of what i read today (probably only because it's one of the best writers ever - larry mcmurtry.)  now i'm having a really hard time remembering if i took a shower or not.  i've washed all the towels so i can't judge. 

 

when my anxiety is this intense i lose time and i have a hard time remembering very basic things.  i hate the way it feels.  i feel crazy and lost.  i don't think we're due any more rain for a few days so that should help a little but may 2 looms...

 

grace and peace

life goes...on...

i'm having that sensation today that we all get on the day of a loss, a funeral or the first day back to "normal."  the "my life has changed forever and these people are going about business as usual" feeling.

i feel pretty empty and tired and hot (85 degrees today and the air conditioning at the bookstore is out.)  i just can't wait to close up and get to the house.  i have no internet at home (again) so i thought i'd post while i had access.  

i'm tired of losing things and people and pets.  the third anniversary of the flood is looming and i dread it.  someone mentioned may 2 today as the day they will close on a house and i thought i would scream!

in serious need of sleep!

grace and peace

1926-2013

87 years. a long successful life, full of family, love, God and service. granddaddy lived well and loved much. i will miss him.

in loving memory of James Walter Willis. march 11, 1926-april 13, 2013

grace and peace

day 2

for obvious reasons i'm anxious.  my grandfather died yesterday morning.  i have to leave the house in about an hour to head to the visitation at the funeral home.  yes, it will be mainly family but some will be people that i haven't seen in years and years.  certainly not since the flood.  since my anxiety can now  be registered on the richter scale i find it frightening as hell to have to go stand in a room full of people and grieve.  i just want to be left alone to do it on my own. 

 

i've never been one of those people who are freaked out by dead bodies or won't go to the casket or anything like that but i find the whole thing...being laid out in front of people...covered in tammy faye baker makeup...dead...quite ridiculous and unnecessary.  i know some people need all that to accept that their loved ones are really gone but i know he's gone.  he's no more gone to me by standing over his body. 

 

i've always wanted to be cremated and i refuse to have any kind of funeral.  if people want to get together and remember me..fine..but don't you dare let them do it in a funeral home!!!!!  i always find it to be a hinderance to the grieving process and i can't wait for tomorrow to be over.

 

much needed grace and peace  

a watched pot never boils

what does one call the anticipation of a bad thing?  dread?  fear?  i don't know but that's where i am.  my grandfather has slipped into a coma today.  though i've been saying, "it's only a matter of time" for a week now, it's here. 

 

i don't feel like i want to be there when he draws his last breath but to be 50 miles away and waiting on a phone call is unbearable.  i'm not working tomorrow because i have wonderful co-workers who have my back and because i can't take one more day of trying to be "normal" while watching my cell phone in...anticipation.

 

i'm going to have to shop for clothes to wear because i'm not the same size as the the last time i had to dress up.  that's stress enough.  i'm a BIGGER size not a smaller size so that makes me anxious and the money makes me anxious and shopping for clothes to wear to my grandfather's funeral (which i'm not gonna want to wear again) is too much. 

 

on this very rainy day i was blessed with a slow work day and a lengthy visit with my favorite cousin and her family.  she always makes me feel better.  she doesn't know this but the last words our grandfather spoke were to her and they were..."i love you." 

 

i talked with my best friend on the way home - which always helps too - and was able to find the energy to cook dinner.  now i'm ready to finish the last 50 pages of my book and turn the lights off and watch "dr. who."

 

grace and peace