Wednesday, March 26, 2014

the anxiety strikes back

this morning i had my first panic attack in several weeks so i'm both overly anxious and overly tired tonight.  i'm weary of living with PTSD and severe anxiety.  the fact that it can take over my brain in a split second and bring me to my knees is something that is hard to accept.  i was diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago (6 months post-flood) though i've probably been living with PTSD since i was 9 or 10 and just didn't know it.  it's some better but it continues to hang on tooth and nail.
 
i did all i know to do to make the panic attack pass and felt some better while walking the pug.  i had no choice but to go to work (no doubt that makes me feel better anyway) but it was a struggle.  once i have an attack i live in fear of a worse one following closely on its heels.  rarely does that happen but with anxiety the constant fear of a panic attack is often much worse than the short attacks themselves.
 
because i know that God is a gracious God i know that He guided my cousin and her kids to stop by for a visit.  she is one of my favorite people alive!  she never fails to make me laugh and feel better about the world in general.  not to mention, her kids are 2 of the most adorable people in the world!  the rest of the day was nerve-wracking and long but i made it.  i am grateful that i have a bookstore cat to love on days like today.  petting an animal is PROVEN to lower your blood pressure and make you live a longer and healthier life.  thank God for orson!
 
 
grace and peace
  
 
 

Monday, March 3, 2014

anybody willing to pee on my foot?

i'm a bit worried about my anxiety tonight.  about 2 hours ago the bottom of my right heal began to hurt.  feels like it's on fire.  has gotten more intense as time passes.  here's what the last few hours have sounded like in my head:
 
"ouch!  my foot hurts.  i mean it really hurts!  it's burning.  (poke it) ouch!  why is it burning?  it's on fire.  did i step on something?  (no) did I burn it?  (no)  what's happening?  (heart racing)  (walk to the kitchen for ice) ouch...ouch...ouch...
 
"what did I do?  did i step on broken glass?  (there is no broken glass)  ouch!  (remove sock - poke it!)  ouch!  haven't left the house today...it's a snow day...couldn't have stepped on anything...haven't even worn shoes! 
 
"maybe i stepped on a jellyfish - that stings!  (there is no jellyfish)  maybe this is what a jellyfish sting feels like!  amy, you haven't left the house today and you haven't stepped on a jellyfish in the middle of your house in landlocked, hundreds of miles from any ocean, nashville, tennessee!  but...(no buts!) it's stinging!  it's on fire!  OUCH!  what's happening?
 
"calm down, crazy!  (heart pounding)  maybe there is some insulation in my slippers!  no, there hasn't been any insulation in this house since 6 months after the flood.  well, maybe...(no) and, amy, you wore the slippers yesterday!  jellyfish!!!!!!!?????..."
 
see, that's what anxiety sounds like.  i have no idea what's going on with the foot and my pulse is running at about 150 but i've stopped searching the house for broken glass and jellyfish.
 
grace and peace