another year over...

"time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."  woody allen

i have to admit that i no longer spend much time thinking about the passage of time, the meaning of life or the words of "auld lang syne."  time is different for me now.  just like all things are.  the last nearly 20 months (yes, i had to count on my fingers because i can no longer do simple math in my head) have passed almost without notice.  the time is lost.  though my pre-flood life seems much more distant than that. 

i skipped the last family function of the Christmas season today.  i feel like maybe i should have gone but i couldn't make myself.  i was so anxious.  i guess it's good that i decided not to go because i've spent the better part of today trying to gain access to my own car.  i went out this morning to get winston's milkbones from the trunk and couldn't open the car.  i tried several times then just gave up.  hours later, after walking winston, i tried again, same result, the key would not turn.  (i don't have power locks and the only way to unlock the car is with the actual key.)  on the third and final try i realized my mistake...i was using my house key instead of my car key.  now my house key is next to the car key (the big black key with "nissan" stamped right on there!) but i didn't notice.  okay, so now i'm in the car but have no memory of why i wanted in the car.  as of now, almost 4:00 p.m. i still don't have the milkbones i went to get this morning at 6:30.  our evening walk will be soon and i will try one last time.  he's not even supposed to have milkbones but they were a gift!!!!!!!!!

see how hard everything is?  no wonder i have no idea what day/month/year it is when i can't even open my car!  considering i haven't been anywhere today that car has consumed most of my day.  i did manage to write a little while listening to my radio station play the top 100 songs of 2011.  i only heard 35-1.  don't ask me what any of them were...

grace and peace and hope for the new year

rocks vs. hard places

it happened today...the inevitable phone call with my mortgage company.  none of my options are attractive:

1.  pay a reduced amount and watch my excellent credit score start a steady decline as early as january 1;

2.  pay nothing, watch my credit nosedive and prepare for foreclosure to start in april (just in time for my birthday!);

3.  borrow against my line of credit at the credit union to keep the bills paid for another 3-4 months and pray that if/when i get a job it allows me to ADD another bill to my unmanageable finances;

4.  declare bankruptcy (eventually);

5.  run away!

i suppose i could add:

6.  attempt to sell this house, wretched, unfinished hellhole that it is, and THEN run away!

let's not forget that i can't grocery shop alone, i get lost to and from my own house, i live on no sleep and constant anxiety--i do not feel at all equipped to choose the correct thing (if there were a correct thing to be chosen.)  i have until mid-january to decide but i can't imagine being any more prepared then. 

on a lighter note:  i promised myself that i would start running again today and i chickened out.  i did make myself get on the hated elliptical machine for a couple of miles.  i have regretted replacing my flooded treadmill with that damn torture machine since i bought it.  it's supposed to be 60 degrees tomorrow and i'm gonna try to talk myself into running. 

hopefully tonight i will remember to take my meds on time.  if i take my sleeping pill too late (which i almost always do) then i'm useless until well past midday.  i'm awake but drugged.  i'm supposed to take the sleeping pill at about 7:00 so i don't feel hungover the next day but i never remember to take it until bedtime so last night i took it at 11:30 and was up until 3:00 a.m.

grace and peace

  

how the grinch survived Christmas...

i wrote a little, read a little, watched all the frasier Christmas episodes that were available on netflix, watched die hard (yippie-ki-yay!), prayed the phone wouldn’t ring, took winston for a long walk since the weather was so nice (high 50s), played with kentucky, talked to no one (i did respond to a couple of texts), treated myself to a peppermint mocha from mcdonald’s, took a 45 minute nap (!), drank a little wine, ate a little brie, spoke to a father and his little girl on her new bike (complete with training wheels, streamers and a bell!) on my walk, missed my aunt jenny, skipped the family function (natch!) and watched winston devour a pigs' ear (a Christmas gift from my mom!) i don’t buy them, of course, since i’m a vegetarian! 

i ate too much even though i didn't go anywhere and i have been maudlin and anxious all day.  i'm glad it's over and all i have to do is go see my niece and nephew later this week and see what santa got them.  they are used to my anti-Christmas stance and no longer question it, they just lump it in with my vegetarianism and my bookishness and write it off...bless their hearts!

i wish i could have made it to church this morning but i settled for watching it on-line.  it was a beautiful service; i sang along, right out loud, just like i were there.  i hope to be able to get past my anxiety and make it there in person next week. 

grace and peace

a surprise in every sack

a hard day but a good day.  getting to therapy was hard, meeting my friends for coffee was hard but i got through them both.  i don't know which was better counselling...

my friends (a married couple) are flood victims too.  our stories are quite different yet so much the same that we are able to commiserate and offer small and clumsy comforts to each other.  today they gave me a wonderful gift:  they spent a lot of time shopping and hundreds of dollars on groceries and staples for me.

pre-flood i would have been embarrassed, perhaps mortified, to accept this kind of help, let alone share it with any and everyone reading this, but times change and i have changed.  last may, after losing everything, i stood in a church gym down the street with an empty box and a broken heart and realized that i didn't own a toothbrush, a fork, toilet paper, sheets, food.  i had nothing.  i was grateful to accept those things that others had so generously and lovingly given.  it changed me in a way i can't put into words.

my kitchen cabinet this morning with a box of cereal, peanut butter and crackers and one box of organic macaroni and cheese...

i know now that i will be thankful for aluminum foil and toothpaste and light bulbs in ways that i never could have before.  i take nothing for granted because i know what it feels like to be without.  my friends loaded me up with all kinds of great things and i was thrilled as i opened each sack to see all that they had done for me (almost like a kid on Christmas morning, if you will allow me the use of that phrase since you know my feelings about Christmas!)  they got me treats too, things i don't buy for myself:  nutella, diet coke, pepperidge farm cookies (yum!)

the same cabinet now...

see the nutella?!!!!  i am blessed.

grace and peace       

alternate hot and cold

i'm very anxious today.  i've been overwhelmed with job hunting on-line and worrying about the fact that i do not own a fireproof box for my important papers (those that weren't destroyed in the flood, that is!)  there is no particular reason that i thought of said fireproof box but once the thought occurred to me i have been unable to think of much else.

my headache is better today though not totally gone.  i've spent a good part of the day with a cold pack on top of my head (i.e., like a southern belle with a book on her head perfecting her posture in etiquette class.)  i'm sure i look utterly ridiculous but i think it's helped a little.  that and sleeping (ha!) with a heating pad on my neck all night.

okay, i finally broke down and joined facebook.  i've been avoiding it forever and if i weren't so obsessed with pinterest i wouldn't have done it.  anyway, i will now be sharing these posts there as well (hopefully i'll remember.)

i have therapy tomorrow and for the life of me i can't think of any valid, believable way to get out of it.  i don't think the headache is gonna keep me from it.  i dread it more so this week than most.  i suppose it's my sheer and utter hatred of Christmas and the subsequent and ever-present green hills traffic that have added to the dread. 

grace and peace

 

i've got a headache THIS big...

day 3 of this headache and i'm useless.  i have done nothing at all for 72 hours.  can't read, can't watch tv.  i managed to load and run the dishwasher because it's quiet but i had to stop the washing machine mid-cycle because it's too loud.  i let the cycle finish when i went outside with winston.  the several times i've gone out to walk him (in my pajamas) constitutes the sum total of my time outside the house.  i won't go as far as to say it's a migraine because it's not that bad but it's bad enough.  hurts to turn my head at all and feels like my skull with implode at any given moment. 

when i'm alert enough to do anything i waste time on the computer and talk quietly to the pets (both in the dark.)  i continue to live on the post-flood diet of toast and coffee, bananas and peanut butter and veggies and hummus.  it's not fancy but it's enough.  it's amazing to me that i continue to gain weight like that.  i suppose it is the medicine!  just one more stressor!

i did get good news yesterday:  my little sister is pregnant with her 3rd child!  3rd!!!!  congrats to her, my brother-in-law and my 7 year old nephew and 4 year old niece. 

no sight of meave.  kentucky seems at home.  winston wishes it would stop raining.

grace and peace

once again...

i'm touched by the death of a public figure, vaclav havel.  when i was a teenager and in love with politics, music, books and writing i joined amnesty international and learned of this activist playwright in jail in czechoslovakia.  i wrote letters on his behalf and read all i could about him in the pre-internet world of books in a one-library, small southern town.  when he later became president i felt elated and not a little responsible.  i was 15.  he was a writer, a lover of rock and roll and a nominee for the nobel peace prize on several occasions.  i am mindful of much about him that i admired then and still do today.  my favorite quote, though, has to be a funny one...

"if you want to see your plays performed the way you wrote them, become president."

grace and peace     

saturday night's alright for fighting

2 days of family functions, errands, therapy and driving have left me exhausted and, you guessed it, anxious!  i made the rounds to both grandparents' homes this weekend so that i can justify not attending Christmas festivities.  i also got a haircut, got my oil changed and visited with friends today.

it is still utterly shocking to me that my anxiety affects every single thought and action in my life.  today i got to the gas station and stood in the cold for several minutes before i could make any sense whatsoever of the process for pumping gas.  it has been less than a week since i got gas and i literally had no idea what to do!!  perhaps the fear that i took tonight's medicine this morning instead of my morning meds was a factor. 

several months ago i had to buy an old person pill holder with sunday-saturday a.m./p.m. slots in order to keep up with my many medications but today i'm almost 100% sure that i took the wrong ones.  i drove the 50 miles to my hairdresser (my mother's best friend who had been cutting my hair since i was 10 years old or i would never make the trip!) with the overwhelming fear that the interstate lanes were narrowing and that the sky itself was closing in.  i also followed a car for 10-12 miles with expired tags and had to fight the strong compulsion to ram them--if not just to warn them to actually illicit police involvement...

i got through the day and started home when i remembered to stop for gas (it's 10 to 15 cents cheaper there than at home) so i pulled into the station on 2 wheels and promptly forgot how to buy gas.  it was awful.  being away from the house is always stressful and i've been out for nearly the last 48 hours.  tonight i will lie on the couch and watch a movie.

no sign of my cat, maeve.  i rescued a kitty from the shelter in hopkinsville.  i named her kentucky.  here's an older pic of her when she first got to the shelter.

i will add an updated picture soon.  she is a blue point siamese and she is totally adorable.  she's a year old and very playful and loving.  no trouble getting her acclimated.  winston seems to like her (he likes everyone just so long as he's not alone!)  we are all getting along swimmingly just hoping against hope that maeve returns!

grace and peace

  

sad and scared

because of my inability to feel and reason like "the old amy" i find myself in quite a bind tonight.  i have arranged a trip tomorrow to adopt a cat from an animal shelter in kentucky.  my maeve has been gone 2 weeks--the ONLY 2 weeks of my life that i haven't had at least one cat--and i'm lonesome and lost catless. 

i feel an extreme amount of guilt over getting a new cat so soon, as if i'm "replacing" maeve without honoring her with my lingering grief.  though if i'm honest, it's more than that, it's that:

1. i can't grieve in any "normal" way (at least what passed as pre-flood "normal");

2. even when and if meave comes home--2 cats are better than one;

3. winston continues to look for meave and it's breaking my heart;

4. there are so many cats out there who need homes;

5. this particular cat is at a kill shelter;

6. she's a year old which significantly reduces her chance of adoption;

7. the adoption fees are affordable; and 

8. i can't stop thinking about her.

(sorry, i'm a list-maker!)

though i have shed many a tear over maeve in the last 2 weeks, i am worried about my insistence on getting a new cat right away.  it feels impulsive and screams of avoidance and desperation.  i'm not sure the right thing to do but i see myself coming home with a new siamese cat tomorrow.  right or wrong, i will love, spoil and not regret her for a minute. 

obviously my anxiety is high today.  i had to go out to the doctor this morning (which i have all but blocked out.)  it was hard in spite of the fact that i was out of the house less than an hour and a half.  the rest of the day has been spent reading, walking winston and watching and listening for maeve to come home.  my life is devoid of routine, exertion and productivity and yet i am exhausted and anxious all the time.  i'm trying to figure out some way to motivate myself to start working out again but so far it is totally an intellectual exercise.  i know that i would feel better but i continue to avoid anything resembling physical fitness.   

grace and peace and cats



reality check

i got home tonight after spending the day with a friend and STILL NO CAT!!!!  somehow i felt sure that if i finally broke down and stopped watching to door for her little face to appear she would show up...the "watched pot never boils" philosophy...no luck.  i reluctantly left winston to hold down the fort while i visited with my oldest and dearest friend.  we had a good day but my mind was never far from worry over what may have happened to the cat.  i miss her terribly.  little, spoiled, self-involved winston has noticed that she's gone and is diligently looking for her.  it's disconcerting and heartbreaking.

however, i do seem to have avoided the dreaded lockjaw.  the cut has finally begun to heal and i am resigned to putting sheets back on the bed any day now (i have been sleeping on the couch since maeve went missing just in case she starts her siamese crying in the wee hours...) 

i am in mourning over the loss of actor harry morgan, 96, who played my beloved colonel sherman t. potter on M*A*S*H for 8 of its 11 seasons. 

with my anxiety on high-alert i have begun to count the recent losses and to add these to the previous ones for what can only be quantified with equations, algorithms and numbers too complex for my addled, tired and grief-stricken mind to comprehend.  i am beyond overwhelmed.

i may actually be at the point where i can no longer pay my mortgage.  i don't know if it will be this month or next but the day is coming if i can't find a job soon.  somehow i have very little interest in or fear of this fact.  it's just too surreal for my aforementioned otherwise-occupied mind to handle. 

keep my in your prayers as i keep you in mine.

grace and peace 





lost cats and lockjaw

my sweet, beautiful, wonderful cat, maeve has been missing for 5 days now.  that's 120 hours of sheer, unadulterated panic! 

yes, she looks evil but she is a sweetheart.  she is the least neurotic animal i have ever had.  i do not feel equipped to survive one more loss.  my mother and i put up nearly 50 posters on friday and i have registered on all the local "lost pet" websites.

i have done very little this week but sit and watch the french doors for her face to appear but tonight i decided i had to finally wash my sheets.  well...i cut my index finger on a staple in the $25 garage-sale mattress that i now own and am irrationally afraid of contracting lockjaw AGAIN!  keep in mind i did have a tetanus shot just after the flood but that does little to alleviate my life-long fear of lockjaw! 

oh, the humanity!

grace and peace