full disclosure: i had plans to go to church this morning (as i plan to do every sunday morning) and then to attend a meeting at daddy's church-a biblical seminar on grief-at 1:00 BUT all i've done is walk the dog, eat toast for breakfast and finish my re-read of the fourth harry potter book. i've also read my bible study for the day and spent a good deal of time in prayer.
now i'm watching a hockey game while waiting on the titans game to start. i have a full day tomorrow: therapy, haircut, meeting a friend for coffee, grocery store. i'm so exhausted these days that i need one day a week that i don't have to leave the house. when i have no plans on monday i have an easier time getting to church. i'm making it to my wednesday night class without fail but i'm struggling with getting to church sunday mornings. i get home saturday night so stressed out and exhausted that i'm useless until about supper time sunday night (i'm a night-owl).
january at the store has been abysmal. it's wearing on me like it hasn't before. i don't know if it's because, with the sale of the building, i know my days/months are numbered or what but it's killing me. it's obvious that the neighborhood in which i'm located can no long support a bookstore. it's obvious that the new owners of the buiding see no value in a bookstore being there.
it's so hard to know this 100 year old building with so much history - that is so loved by the neighborhood - is going to be destroyed. anyway, i'm angry about it. i'm angry that the city is changing so much. i'm angry that the neighborhood is changing so much. i'm angry at the people who don't come in. i'm angry at the people who do come in, compliment the store in such glowing terms then wish me luck and walk out without buying anything. i'm angry at more than that but you get the drift.
i'm angry and that makes me tired. being angry is so taxing and destructive. i don't want to spend the last few months that i get to live my dream being so angry. i'm trying really hard (hence all my time in prayer) to enjoy the positive things: the genuine interactions, the in depth, nerdy book talks, the compliments, etc. i want to appreciate those while i still have them. i do know that when this is over that those are the things that will comfort me. that those are the things i will look back on in the days and years to come when i tell people about what it was like to own my own piece of heaven - a used bookstore.
grace and peace