well...i caved...

the plan was to refrain from alcohol at the house and only have a drink on the very rare occasion that i'm out of the house and feel like a glass of wine or a shot of jack daniel's.  tonight, though, i caved and bought a bottle of wine.  i haven't had a drink since new years eve but on my way home from the hospital tonight (my little brother had surgery today) i just couldn't help but stop at the liquor store.

i decided that i would have this bottle and then maybe buy a bottle before the beginning of lent. i've observed lent the last 2 years and never cheated so i'll give up alcohol this year.  (2 years ago it was chocolate and last year it was carbonated drinks.)

i spent all day today with my mother, dad, ex-step-mother, and future sister-in-law.  that was stressful enough but i have another 5-6 days of the same as my little brother has to have another surgery on monday.  it just seemed like wine was in order.  while i have never had a drinking problem, alcoholism runs in my family, so i am always conscious of my intake.  i am trying really hard to lose weight and the red wine doesn't help but i figure a glass tonight won't derail me.  i'll run tomorrow...

i bought this bottle in honor of my best friend whose favorite literary device is "irony."

grace and peace and pinot





be still my beating heart

so much of my anxiety is a fear of the unexpected:  a knock at the door, my iphone signalling a text message received, winston barking at a noise only audible to dogs or superheroes.  tonight i was 20 minutes into a movie when i heard the deafening sound of sirens approaching the house.  in the time it took to disengage myself from the pug and the snuggie (no small feat on either front) there were 2 fire engines, 2 police cars and an ambulance parked just across the street. 

the panic was immediate:  my heart started to race, my hands to sweat and shake, lips to tingle and legs to stand unmoved from my front window.  i have never been one of those people who slows down to stare at car accidents on the other side of the highway.  i am not by nature nosy or even inquisitive about other people.  but i stood in that window peaking out like like my very life depended on it.  in fact, that's exactly how it felt.

on the night of the flood i stood in that window while on the phone with my brother saying, "i'm on my way out.  there is a man in a canoe on my street!"  fire trucks had already blocked one of the two entrances to the subdivision closest to me (and closest to the river of course) so there was only one way out. i left here not knowing where to go; the last we had heard all the roads were closed and we were stuck.  seeing those lights again tonight triggered that fear that is always just under the surface waiting to erupt. 

i am concerned for my neighbor who was eventually taken to the hospital in the ambulance.  i don't know her but i do know her husband.  i hope she is well.  but i will admit that the fact that it seemed to be a minor medical issue as opposed to a crime or a fire or something eased my mind more that it should have.

i watched the rest of the movie while fighting off a full-blown panic attack.  now, 2 hours later, i am still trying to calm myself down.  my heart hurts.  i know that tomorrow i won't even remember the name of the movie i watched but i fear i will always remember the fear those sirens bring on.

the chances of me being able to read are slim so i may try to put on a comedy, one that i know by heart, "the breakfast club" or "clue" or something and try to lose myself in the familiar jokes and dialogue.  my heart could some soothing.

grace and peace

 

water torture

after a really nice hike and lunch with a friend today i spent the afternoon in my latest time-wasting effort:  on-line scrabble.  i read some, watched a movie and read some more.

only once on my hike, while crossing a bridge, did the sound of the water racing below make me nervous but tonight i am very anxious about the wind and rain.  i have no idea what kind of storms are expected, and don't care that much, but i got nervous enough that i decided to retire to my bedroom where the rain hitting the skylight in the living room can't be heard as loudly.

problem # 2:  i got my book and cat and dog and moved us one and all when out my bedroom window i saw blue flashing lights (not at all a normal occurrence in my neighborhood) either next door or 2 houses down.  2 of my neighbors that i actually know!  sheer panic!  it was pouring down rain, i was in my pjs, after midnight; i wasn't about to go outside.  but i started to imagine that i had heard loud and suspicious noises (gunshots, car accidents, etc.) when i'm sure i'd heard nothing of the sort.

now i'm back in the living room and i can't tell if the sounds i'm hearing are thunderclaps, howling winds or distortions of my imagination.  the flashes of light are questionable too, "was that lightning or an ambulance?  red or blue or white?!"  i no longer trust my own eyes and ears.  this is one of those times that it would be nice to actually have a guest room like i had pre-flood instead of the storage/exercise/construction-site room i now have.  perhaps i'd be asleep by now...

grace and peace and calm  

when good knees go bad

when i was 16 i was diagnosed with an hereditary bone disease in my knees.  a lot of us bradfords have it.  i hasn't bothered me too much in recent years and it was always worse in my right knee which became known as my "bad knee" and therefore by default my left knee has always been my "good knee."

until recently that is.  lately the good knee has begun to hyperextend often.  the "bone disease" is basically a form of tendinitis and causes the tendon to "stick" or "give way" and causes severe pain.  yesterday while on the elliptical machine my left knee hyperextended.  i was able to stay on the full 30 minutes and get by with little pain but it happened again today while walking winston and so now i am laid up on the couch with ice on my knee in what passes for my post-flood ice pack (a ziploc bag full of ice wrapped in a paper towel) with my civil war book and my pug on one side and cat on the other.  this is it for us tonight.

i managed to write just a little today.  about a page.  yesterday all i managed was one measly paragraph.  sometimes my goal of 2 pages a day comes easily and sometimes it's impossible.  these last 10-12 pages, which have taken me at least 2 months to write, have been torture. 

my anxiety has been a little better today but i'm getting uneasy as darkness approaches.  it feels oppressive today.  my best friend's play opens tonight and i wish that i could be in D.C. cheering her on. 

grace and peace

not in kansas anymore

with the nagging knowledge that my gas tank was near empty i made the decision upon waking today that i would at least go pump gas since the temperature is 20 degrees higher today than it's expected to be tomorrow.  from 8-12 i was in agony about having to go out.  i just dreaded it so bad!!!!  it was spitting rain but nothing major and it was warm so armed with the thought that i didn't have to actually talk to anyone i left here about noon.  i pumped gas successfully with my heart racing and hands shaking.  

then i really did it...i decided that since i had a sore throat and really wanted cokes i would go across the street from the gas station to the cvs and buy diet coke and benadryl.  i sat in my car for a couple of minutes telling meyself again and again that "if you get to the door and can't go in just turn around!" and then "if you get inside and have to leave just leave..."

after more than a year of severe anxiety, day upon day of being afraid to leave the house and a crippling fear of going anywhere alone i find myself utterly unprepared to do much of anything.  i felt like an alien in that drugstore!  so many things, so many choices, it seemed to double in size in my few minutes inside.  i may as well have been in a super walmart or a sams store.  while in no way comparing myself to someone from the third world, i imagine i feel, in some small way, like a person who has never been inside a store of any kind suddenly finding themselves in midtown manhattan in that 3 story k-mart (you know the one-near penn station if memory serves...)

i noticed that the rain had gotten heavier and when it was my turn to pay the man behind the counter said, referring to the man who just left, "he said he didn't know this storm was coming.  i thought everyone knew this storm was coming..."  i told him i didn't have a TV and that i had no idea we were to expect anything more than a little rain.  he said, "well be careful out there it's supposed to be bad!"  he had no idea to whom he was talking!  i got halfway home listening to the band's great "the weight" when the song was interrupted (!) by the national weather service with a tornado warning for nearby counties.  just then the bottom dropped out.  water pooled on the road almost immediately and my trigger went off.  my already pounding heart flipped in my chest and my shaky hands started to sweat and tingle.  the panic attack was coming. 

luckily i never did totally lose it as the rain let up within minutes and i got back to the house and inside without getting too wet.  i was out of the house just 35 minutes but was so exhausted i may as well have have just run a marathon.  my sinus headache was worse so i took the benadryl with a diet coke and chased that with a banana and peanut butter and took myself to bed.  i finally slept about an hour and am now set to write for a few minutes. 

grace and peace

  

TV-less land

today has been a frustrating day!  it's a hard day to NOT have a television.  i wanted badly to watch football and then to watch the golden globes.  i have also been craving pizza for weeks but was not in shape to go meet a friend for dinner (the prospect of having to pump gas kept me home along with severe anxiety in general.)  

i am also partially regretting my decision to give up alcohol for the foreseeable future.  since i couldn't get pizza i made myself cook a wonderful dinner of whole wheat pasta with asparagus, baby portabella mushrooms and red onion sauteed in olive oil and garlic served with tomato sauce and [red wine]--NO--diet root beer.  it was a travesty! 

since my money is a major concern and i am in earnest trying to lose weight i have given up alcohol (my normal consumption was a bottle of wine a week, basically one glass with dinner 3 or 4 nights a week.)  it hasn't bothered me until tonight (not to mention that it's sunday so i couldn't even buy wine today if i wanted to!)  of course i realize that even if we were able to buy wine in the grocery stores in tennessee that i would be unable to actually go in anywhere to make such a purchase.  not with today's level of anxiety anyway.

all in all a less than productive day.  i've not written a word.  winston and i did take a long walk and i did spend a little while catching up with a friend on the phone.  other than that i've been on the couch with my book and my pug. 

grace and peace

R.I.P. maeve

the first snowflakes of the season are falling and i am faced with accepting that my cat, maeve, is gone.  i told myself i would hold out hope until mid-january and it seems like the time has come to finally let her go.  i don't know what happened to her.  i just hope she wasn't in pain at the end.  i miss her.  she was such a sweet girl. 

it is so hard to lose a pet.  i live alone accept for them and they are my greatest loves.  by design i am as close to a hermit as can be and go days/weeks with only my pets for company.  i believe that to have pets is to spoil pets and mine rule this house.  this is the third pet lost in the last 2 years.  i lost an 18 year old cat , maggie, right before the flood then i lost a 17 year old dog, sage, last spring.  both were old and sick and i had to make the decision to have them put to sleep.  that is a hard choice but the right one when the time comes.  this is worse--she was only 7 and i don't know what happened to her.

i feel guilty for leaving her out that night and i feel guilty that my emotions are so stunted (because of the PTSD, the anxiety, the medication, whatever) that i am unable to be as sad as i feel i should be.  the numbness that i live with is a defense mechanism but it is also an albatross.  i am no longer the person i was and i am unable to feel like i used to.  i wonder if that will ever come back?   

i know if she had been able to she would have come home.  i hope that she's been dead this whole time and not hurt or suffering somewhere. 

grace and peace



smoke 'em if you got 'em!

here i am, midnight, wracking my brain in an attempt to remember the events of my day.  i have this feeling of lost time often but tonight it is intensified in that i have a new symptom simultaneously, which is:  my right hand smells very strongly of nicotine.  i am not a smoker but i swear i've been wondering if i went out today and bought cigarettes that i then smoked while being completely unaware.  there is no evidence to suggest this save the smell.  no cigarettes, no money missing from my purse, no taste in my mouth, just the strong smell on my fingers. 

because i have banned myself from webmd and all like websites i've not checked this as a symptom but i already know that "phantom smells" are precursors to migraines (which i do have) and, of course, a brain tumor, which i don't WANT!  i didn't sleep until about 4 a.m. this morning and have napped on and off all day.  part of me thinks i may have sleptwalked my way to and from the gas station but more likely it's just an anomaly.  however, it does nothing to relieve my fear of insanity.  i cannot at all describe how scary and crazy it feels to not remember large chunks of time.  not to mention the thought that i could leave the house in that state is terrifying.

if only i could get a decent nights sleep!

grace and peace

bad moon rising

"don't go round tonight.

well, it's bound to take your life.

there's a bad moon on the rise."

CCR

i bought this house in late march and moved in the first week of april, 2005, subtract the 5 months it was uninhabitable after the flood, that means i've lived here 6 years and 4 months.  if my math is right that's 76 months/76 phases of the moon.  lately i have noticed these phases more than ever before.  my anxiety no longer allows me to sit/lie on the couch in the dark and watch my laptop or read my iPad when the moon is overhead because i can see it in my skylight and it scares me.  i see it out of the corner of my eye and i flinch every time. 

because i feel like i walk around with a bullseye on my back anyway this only adds to that surreal feeling of being watched over.  it's like the famous spotlight-in-the-eye police interrogation from so many movies.  only this is the moon--that is always there--that cannot under any circumstance make me talk--and yet it causes so much anxiety.  seeing it hang there in all that nothingness that i am forces me to either turn on the lights so it's not so noticeable or get up and retire to the bedroom out of its reach.

the things this anxiety makes me think of, makes me fear, still puzzles me.  it can literally attach itself to anything and make everything seem like a threat.

grace and peace and moonless nights  

no more excuses...dammit!

below is the text of an e-mail sent to my therapist after yesterday's session where i was told to stop making excuses and do something different if i wanted to feel different...for me, right now, exercise is that thing... 

"i did 3 laps at the lipscomb track (a leisurely mile and a half) with only 2 terrifying instances:

1. a minivan pulled into the parking lot while i was on the opposite side of the track and proceeded to unload a shovel and some other unidentifiable item from the back--i was positive that i was going to be killed and buried under the baseball field. luckily they were gone by the time i got to the parking lot side. i may have literally dodged a bullet on that one;

2. some sort of bug flew up my nose so i'm certain that at this very moment some sort of burrowing insect is laying eggs in my very fragile brain.

so thanks for that. i hope you're happy now!" 

 

(she responded favorably and mentioned that the shovel-carrying van was most likely a groundskeeper--i never even thought of that--i knew i was a goner!)

 

i am 3 months away from my birthday and i am committed to seeing a difference in my exercise habits and seeing a change in my body and mind even if they are small changes.  i don't know about the rest of it but at least that is something that i can control.  even if i have to run down streets lined with half-finished houses with building permits still taped in windows (like mine) and dodge trucks full of building materials or use the elliptical machine in what used to be my guest bedroom but is now a storage room full of unhung doors, tools, boxes of who-knows-what, etc.  getting some exercise for my mental and physical health is at least the one thing i can choose and control. 

 

wish me well, and

 

grace and peace

reality invades

today fear and anxiety have completely taken over.  panic over my financial situation, not to mention my mental state, has set in hard.  there's nothing new to report re: options concerning the house, etc.  it's just that now with every thing i do and/or use:  the food i consume, the soap i use to wash my hands, changing the cat litter, the electricity used to turn on this computer, a light, my ipod i am reminded that i have no means to replace what is being used.  therefore i eat, shower, live in a constant state of anxiety and feel guilty and scared with every breath i take. 

i feel utterly helpless and alone. i am in shock at being here.  being homeless once was hard enough i can't imagine being able to survive being homeless twice inside of 2 years.  it has become increasing clear that should i lose this house i have nowhere to go. 

the once elusive tears have flowed freely today.  so freely in fact that my face is chapped from walking winston with leaky eyes and nose.  i don't remember the last time i left to house to do more than walk the dog.  i am terrified of using all the gas in the car.  i have several things "planned" for this week:  a family birthday, lunch with a friend, a visit with my little brother who is in town, therapy on friday, but right now none of that seems possible.

maybe sleep would help, maybe some real food would help, maybe posting this will help.  i don't know.  i do know that prayers will help so please keep them coming.

grace and peace  

...and a new one just begun

"...happy new year/let's hope it's a good one/without any fear." john lennon

no such luck for me.  i spent part of today trying to explain just why it is that i am afraid of my fireplace.  literally afraid of it--i can't imagine ever lighting a fire in it again.  i don't know why it seems so threatening but i've written off ever using it again just like i've written off ever taking an actual bath in either bathtub.  no matter how many times they've been cleaned i can still see them full of river water, mud and debris.  they will never be places of peace and rest again.  somehow the thought of lighting a fire in the fireplace has taken on an inexplicable terror. 

by about a quarter to 7:00 tonight it dawned on me that it was january and i hung up my new calendar (pugs.)  that is the sum total of my new years celebration.  that and i have eaten at least one of everything in the house.  i've used the elliptical machine the last few days and tomorrow i, like millions more, start in earnest the attempt to get in better shape.  

i wish i were able to feel excited, or hopeful, or even resigned to what awaits me this year but i still just feel overwhelmed and quite numb.  there is so much more to do...

grace and peace