margaritaville for the anxious

friday - i stood outside talking with a neighbor while walking winston before work.  it took no time at all before we began to talk about the flood and the long and difficult aftermath which we continue to live every day.  we talked about our desires to walk away from these houses and live in tiny one-bedroom apartments or caves or cars or anything but these houses that we hate.  i think it's impossible to ever feel better while having to live here.  i'm here.  i'm not going anywhere.  the house is worth so much less than i owe and SO much less than it was worth.  it's just my reality but it's a hard one to accept.

 

saturday - the day i have looked forward to and dreaded for several weeks.  lunch with friends.  at a restaurant!  without one of my 2 "safe people" kelly or kim.  the friends i was meeting today i have known for more than a decade and i love all 4 of them.  but it's me, out in public, vulnerable and afraid.  i couldn't sleep, i wanted to cancel, i took a long time to get ready, i forgot my cell phone!  

 

i spent the whole trip to the restaurant trying to remember my friends cell phone numbers in case i had to find a way to call (either from work close by or from the CVS which is my only pre-approved place within spittin' distance.)  my fear was that if i got there and couldn't go in i couldn't call to explain or call to have one of them come out and help me in.  my anxiety keeps me from being able to enter places alone or even enter them at all if circumstances seem dangerous. 

 

i parked and was able to sprint to the entrance as 2 of them walked in.  whew!  i made it.  i was a wreck and immediately drank a glass of water to help me breathe.  my friends understand!  by the time my other 2 friend arrived i was feeling a bit better.  by the time the food and our margaritas got to the table i calmed down.  i had a great time but the first second i sat down in the car i said aloud, "i'm glad that's over!  i had a good time but i'm SO glad it's over." 

 

it still amazes me that something so "easy" for others to do (and easy for me 4+ years ago) is SO HARD (sometimes literally impossible) for me now.  i got almost home before the panic attack set in.  it lasted a good long while.  now i feel rode hard and put up wet.  can't wait to lie down.  think i'll turn the computer off and put a funny movie on.

 

love to my friend who buried a young cousin today.  i can't imagine that pain.  i love you!

(just for clarification - my giving up restaurant food for lent was not meant to include all restaurant food.  it was my thought that i would not get eat outside food when i had the option of cooking or making meals myself but that i would allow myself to actually go out to eat with other people.  during lent i have eaten 3 meals that i didn't cook for myself:  today and one each with my "safe people" mentioned above.)

 

grace and peace

 

 

laughter is the best medicine

"dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which i guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."  deep thoughts by jack handey

i spent today at my brother's house with the family.  i laughed hard, more than once, at my hilarious niece and nephew.  those kids are too funny.  they are quirky and smart, sarcastic and lovely.  they love me no matter what; no matter how misanthropic and introverted i can be.  i laugh so rarely now that it's a shock to my system.  it feels unnatural even as it's happening.  what a shame!  i hope that one day laughter will be a normal part of my life again and not just an anomaly.  

we watched hours of french open tennis until we turned it to stanley cup hockey.  i learned of many things that i've missed out on because of my lack of TV:  a new 'batman,' a new 'men in black,' a new 'spiderman?'  i had no idea.  just another reminder of how disconnected i am from the world around me.  

my niece made it clear that she would not be spending any time with me over the summer.  her reasoning:  no TV, no meat (i'm a vegetarian) and no sweets.  not for her, she said; i'm boring and weird.  she can't imagine how hard these last 2 years have been and the toll that they've taken.  i hope she never knows.

in the house full of activity, talk, TV, laughing, singing, yelling and fighting i, at times, felt very nervous and overwhelmed.  i don't realize the level of quiet to which i have become accustomed.  i wouldn't trade these days with them for anything though.  when i have a job and am able to see them less i will ache for these days of their childhood spent basking in the light and ease of summer.

this one's for you mackenzie and ben.  i love you!

grace and peace