tonight is the last night i will sleep in this house. i’m moving to a house my great-aunt left to
my mother in 2013. it’s not where i want
to live but it’s infinitely better than living here. in hindsight i wish i had not rebuilt the
blasted thing after the flood.
because i’ve recently opened my own business and because
daddy died in april and because my money has run out i’m done paying for this
place. since the flood i’ve spent more
than 50% of my salary on my mortgage (before utilities) i can no
longer afford it and i’m past ready to be out of here.
i’d like to think that some of my anxiety will lessen when i
no longer have to come home to the place where my trauma happened. i expect to always experience some anxiety,
as PTSD never goes away completely, but i think being away from here can only
help.
i’m faced with the possibility of bankruptcy and having to
get a “real” job while somehow still keeping the bookstore open (with the help
of my mother who works for me a day or 2 a week for free!) but i think i can
avoid foreclosure by letting the bank sell the house through a short sale. since the flood the house has lost so much of
its value that i owe a good deal more than it’s worth so the possibility of me
selling it is nil.
i’m outta here tomorrow with the pets and then my brother and
i will move the big stuff (bed, dresser, dining room table) later this
week. the rest of the stuff: all the other furniture, dishes, small
appliances will go in the front yard for a yard sale when i can manage
it.) the large appliances—only 6 years
old, like everything else I own—will live in my brother’s barn until i need them.
i hope i feel relief.
i can’t imagine what that must feel like. i know i won’t feel any regret about leaving
here!
i wish i weren’t having to do this without daddy! he would know what to say to make it feel
better (at least for minute.)
grace and peace and goodbye!
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