a dreaded day

today is the day i've dreaded for days, weeks, months:  the day i had to move the contents of my office to a storage unit.  the bookstore is almost completely empty now.  i have 3 days left on the lease and i'll have to work part of all 3 of those days to get everything done in time.  i was blessed today with helpers (in fact, i had more than enough) but i still felt like i was alone.

the problem with not having a business partner, an investor, even a husband, is that i have to suffer these kinds of things - the big stuff - all alone.  no matter how many people show up on a day like today, i still have to face it all on my own.  i have to sit with all my decisions and all my sadness alone.  

(full disclosure:  my brother just called to check on me - he helped today.  full, full disclosure:  i prefer to be alone - i don't mourn that decision.)  

anyway, i'm beyond tired and sad.  i just want to pile up in bed with my pug and my book and not think for a while.  

grace and peace. 

the official countdown

got the official word today that the new owners of the building want to renegotiote a new lease when mine expires in june BUT that my rent will double.

so they (a university-my alma mater) "want" me to stay but they intend to make it impossible to do so.  they will, within the next 2 years, tear down this 100 year old building and build shiny, new, soulless, generic buildings in its place but they can't continue to rent to me in the meantime at my current rate?  they have to double the rent?

no, they don't have to.  they choose to.  the university representative said that if i leave they won't rent the space to someone else they will just move in some existing university employees.  so it will become office space and they won't make any money at all.  still, that's preferable to them than cashing my rent check and keeping an alumna-owned small business on the block.

it's not hard to tell that i'm angry about this.  i'm also greif-stricken and anxious about it.  i have some time before i have to let them know what i intend to do but there's only one answer:  i have to close.  there is no way i can pay more.  there is no way i can afford rent anywhere else in nashville.  so the dream is ending.  it's heartbreaking.

i have to stop thinking about it tonight.  it's exactly what i knew was going to happen so it's not at all a surprise.  it just starts the countdown in an official way.  on june 30th...i'm done.  

lent begins tomorrow and i haven't spent any time on my plan for observing.  some years i give up something.  some years i add something.  this year i have no idea how to do either and sustain it for 40 days.  i'm already overwhelmed. 

i'm gonna fall into bed and pray for sleep!

grace and peace  

is it just me?

i finished a book today and now i get to go through my all-time favorite ritual:

 

first - i write down the name of the book just read on my "books read" list.

 

second - i wander through the house picking up 7 or 8 books i think might be "the one."

 

third -  i read the backs or inside covers of all of them.

 

fourth - i weed out a couple based on similarity to the last book read, subject matter or my general mood.

 

fifth - i consider what i've been thinking about or influenced by that day, e.g. today i saw a college professor of mine so i'm thinking i might choose a book on the civil war, i also talked with a customer about presidential biographies so i might read a kennedy book in my stack in honor of the anniversary we have this week, i've been listening to willie nelson for the last 2 days almost non-stop so i might choose a music biography, the last 3 things i read were all fiction so i might go with non-fiction, etc.

 

i know i can't be the only "book person" who gets ultra-excited about what to read next, right?

 

grace and peace

season 4

what i should do tomorrow:  fill up my gas tank, go to church, go put in an hour of work on the store bank accounts, wash my car, give winston a bath, trim the holly bushes in the front yard, wash at least 2 loads of laundry, fold the clean clothes that are sitting in a pile on the dryer (don't judge - i'm not the only one!), cook pasta for supper (enough for leftovers for a few nights), run the dishwasher, change my sheets and try for a good night's sleep. 

 

what i will probably do:  watch "arrested development."

 

no doubt what i'll be saying on monday morning, "i've made a huge mistake."

 

grace and peace (and much needed laughter)



looking back

date and time have been on my mind these days.  the month of may especially:

may 2 - 2nd anniversary of the flood,

may 17 - my grandmother's 95th birthday,

may 22, today - the 20th anniversary of my high school graduation.

i can't help but try to remember who that 18 year old was and what the last 20 years have done to change her.  that, and how very much i still resemble her. 

i am the first to admit that i have never been one for plans, goals, rigidity or preparedness.  i graduated high school with a college scholarship to the only school to which i applied - where i was the third generation of my family to attend.  i never thought much about what classes to take, what to major in or what i wanted to do for a living.  i've never wanted to do anything but write.  the fact that i didn't major in english or journalism has not escaped my notice.  i chose political science and history  barely able to imagine a life of campaigns, waxing poetic about political theory and historical events while making a name for myself writing.  none of that worked.

i made a career in law with no ambition to attend law school.  i continue to write (everything:  fiction, non-fiction, poetry) and go where i go.  now, unemployed for 2 years, and at another crossroads, i have no idea where to go or where i will end up.  part of me figures that i will do what i always do - fly by the seat of my pants.  but another part of me wishes that i could have been and done what came so easily to other people - those of you who have always known what you wanted to do or fell into a job that you love or that fulfills you or pays the bills and doesn't make you want to pull your hair out. 

i never knew anything about what i wanted.  i only knew what i didn't want.  i never wanted children, i never wanted to work only for money, i never wanted to live in a small town again (by graduation i had already been living back in nashville for 6 months and felt very removed from the years living in the small town in which i spent the years 9-17.)

i don't remember much about graduation, just the white dress i wore, the dinner afterward with my family and a couple of parties after that.  i don't remember having any particular fears about what was coming...college...job...life...

now i have fears about everything and i wonder if that's the way life works.  what 18 year old has any idea what awaits them as the years go by?  not a one. 

grace and peace

rocks vs. hard places

it happened today...the inevitable phone call with my mortgage company.  none of my options are attractive:

1.  pay a reduced amount and watch my excellent credit score start a steady decline as early as january 1;

2.  pay nothing, watch my credit nosedive and prepare for foreclosure to start in april (just in time for my birthday!);

3.  borrow against my line of credit at the credit union to keep the bills paid for another 3-4 months and pray that if/when i get a job it allows me to ADD another bill to my unmanageable finances;

4.  declare bankruptcy (eventually);

5.  run away!

i suppose i could add:

6.  attempt to sell this house, wretched, unfinished hellhole that it is, and THEN run away!

let's not forget that i can't grocery shop alone, i get lost to and from my own house, i live on no sleep and constant anxiety--i do not feel at all equipped to choose the correct thing (if there were a correct thing to be chosen.)  i have until mid-january to decide but i can't imagine being any more prepared then. 

on a lighter note:  i promised myself that i would start running again today and i chickened out.  i did make myself get on the hated elliptical machine for a couple of miles.  i have regretted replacing my flooded treadmill with that damn torture machine since i bought it.  it's supposed to be 60 degrees tomorrow and i'm gonna try to talk myself into running. 

hopefully tonight i will remember to take my meds on time.  if i take my sleeping pill too late (which i almost always do) then i'm useless until well past midday.  i'm awake but drugged.  i'm supposed to take the sleeping pill at about 7:00 so i don't feel hungover the next day but i never remember to take it until bedtime so last night i took it at 11:30 and was up until 3:00 a.m.

grace and peace