gratefulness

i work 6 days a week.   monday is my day off.  every other monday morning i have a therapy appointment which i need to attend for my sanity.  that means i have 2 days a month that a i don't have to set an alarm.

tomorrow is one of those 2 days.  yes, i still have to go to the store to take care of the bookstore kitty but i can do that in my pjs.  i love to have days in which i don't have to leave the house but i don't get those anymore.

i will keep this up as long as i'm blessed enough to have my own business.  and i'll be grateful

grace and peace

day off

i thought i was gonna get to spend most of this 65 degree december day at home.  it's my day off.  had to go over to a friends house to help her catalog some books she's selling (if only i could buy them!) that's 4 hours.  then i was off to the vet to get orson the cat's glucose checked.  got there at 3 and at 3:30 the vet came in and asked if they could keep him until close - 6:00 - so they could check his glucose every hour. 

 

in my past life i would have gone to hang out in a bookstore or taken my book (in my purse) and gone to a coffee shop for 2 1/2 hours.  now, of course, the former is unthinkable and the latter is downright impossible.  my anxiety allows for none of that!  i came home, through heavy traffic, and watched M*A*S*H, read my book and missed orson.  fought my way back to the vet then home again through worse traffic.

 

orson has a UTI which might be interfering with his insulin (it's not been very effective lately) so he has antibiotics to add to the insulin regimen. 

 

when i was sitting at the vet at 6:10 i was pretty upset about losing my day.  but then i heard a woman crying in another room and realized her day was far and away worse than mine in that she lost her kitty or puppy today.  i don't know which but my heart breaks for her.  i've had to euthanize babies before and it's such a terrible loss.  i came home to my 3 animals and felt thankful.

 

tomorrow will come too soon as i now have 3 loads of clothes to wash and it's already 8:30. 

 

grace and peace

5 years gone

imagine with me, if you will, something significant that happened to you in 2010:  a special birthday, an anniversary, a birth, death, a book you read, a movie you love; imagine all that's happened to you since then.  now imagine that every day of that time - since that one special day or one memorable event - you have had to relive not that special event but the worst thing that's ever happened to you.  for 5 years every day has been a constant reminder of the worst time in your life.

 

that's the only way i realistically know how to convey what PTSD feels like.  PTSD steals your life, it steals who you are and keeps your brain stuck in the most terrible of moments.  intellectually i know it's 2015 and not 2010 but you can't convince my heart or my gut of that. 

 

may 2 is the hardest day of the year for me in that the calendar is in line with my memory and my emotions.  it's about SO much more that one, long ago, may 2.  the date conjures the aftermath as well as the events of the actual flood.  it's not just the driving through water in my neighborhood and accepting that i would die or sitting on the side of briley parkway waiting to die after my car quit.  it's the shock, the visual of all my soaked belongings piled in my front yard, the cuts, bruises, scrapes, sore muscles, tears, rages, standing in line for 5 hours for a building permit, having to take daddy with me for a tetanus shot, the aches, pains, fears, the begging for money, the paperwork, the 16 hour days rebuilding, the many hours at lowes, the decisions, the  aloneness, the helplessness, the bills, bills and more bills.  

 

i didn't just lose 36 years of things - i lost the things that really matter:  peace, security, comfort, HOME.  i lost returning home at the end of the day to the one place that brings respite.  i don't have that anymore.  5 years later it's still missing.  

 

today i acknowledge and mourn the lives that were lost.  i made it out with my pets and for that i am eternally grateful.  11 lives were lost.  i'm glad i don't know the number of animals lost.

 

i am grateful i had a job to go to today (though i cried for a good deal of the day), i am grateful daddy came to check on me, i am grateful yesterday was payday so i could go to the bookstore after work (today is independent bookstore day - I won't tell how much i spent), i am grateful the pets are safe and happy.  i am grateful that the day is almost over, i am grateful tomorrow i celebrate the birthday of one of my dearest, i am grateful for all i have.  i pray that i never take one single article for granted.

 

don't get PTSD.  it's not worth it.  it hurts.

 

grace and peace.    

more of the same

job-hunting, interviewing, making decisions, accepting a job and then...one of my beloved cats, kentucky, got hit and killed by a car and something inside me BROKE.

 

 

whatever it was that's kept me hanging on slipped away and i felt my grip on everything let go.  for 4 1/2 years i've been waiting and worrying about one final thing what would break me, that would finally drive me crazy.  and that once i went crazy i would never be able to get back.

 

i worked for 2 weeks at a job that wasn't at all what they advertised.  the position wasn't the one they promised and my hours were not close to full-time so i had to leave.  i've interviewed at two companies since, to no avail. 

 

more loss.  LOSS:  one of my least favorite words!  that, and CLOSURE!

 

 

grace and peace

four and counting

here's the only way i know to describe it:

 

4 years ago tonight i feel as if i was diagnosed with a terminal disease that won't kill me.  i feel like i've just been waiting to die.  not constantly fearing my death - i have a great faith and believe in Heaven and believe 100% that i will spend eternity there - it's a waiting.

 

as if my car tires lifted off the ground as i drove through the raging water and, 4 years later, they have yet to touch ground.  so much of me died that day:  who i was, who i thought i was, my belief in my future, my belief in myself, my sense of safety and security, my fearlessness, my self-assuredness, my ease. 

 

now i'm 4 years removed and it feels as if it's all happening RIGHT NOW!  they describe PTSD as the brain "shutting down" to protect itself therefore keeping itself in the HERE and not allowing it to process memories as the PAST.  so here i am.

 

i'm grateful that i have a have a job to go to - that part of the day passed without fanfare.  now i'm home and the tears won't stop, my heart won't stop pounding, i can't stop pacing, i can't eat, i didn't sleep at all last night.  i don't hold out much hope for tonight.  i wish i were a person who could just let anniversaries pass without dwelling on them but i'm not that person.  i feel them.  i REALLY feel them.

 

3 1/2 years of anxiety (the anxiety didn't start until i moved back into the house in october 2010) and i feel like i'm just waiting to die.  waiting.  to.  die. 

 

it's not a good feeling, it's not a normal feeling, it's just what i feel.  i am grateful for a good many things:  it didn't rain today, i have a good job that i love, i came home to my sweet pets, i have the weekend to process and (hopefully) relax.  i have friends who know EXACTLY what i'm going through because it happened to them too, i have a God who is bigger than my anxiety and i didn't die in the flood (some people did!)

 

grace and peace

 

  

the anxiety strikes back

this morning i had my first panic attack in several weeks so i'm both overly anxious and overly tired tonight.  i'm weary of living with PTSD and severe anxiety.  the fact that it can take over my brain in a split second and bring me to my knees is something that is hard to accept.  i was diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago (6 months post-flood) though i've probably been living with PTSD since i was 9 or 10 and just didn't know it.  it's some better but it continues to hang on tooth and nail.

 

i did all i know to do to make the panic attack pass and felt some better while walking the pug.  i had no choice but to go to work (no doubt that makes me feel better anyway) but it was a struggle.  once i have an attack i live in fear of a worse one following closely on its heels.  rarely does that happen but with anxiety the constant fear of a panic attack is often much worse than the short attacks themselves.

 

because i know that God is a gracious God i know that He guided my cousin and her kids to stop by for a visit.  she is one of my favorite people alive!  she never fails to make me laugh and feel better about the world in general.  not to mention, her kids are 2 of the most adorable people in the world!  the rest of the day was nerve-wracking and long but i made it.  i am grateful that i have a bookstore cat to love on days like today.  petting an animal is PROVEN to lower your blood pressure and make you live a longer and healthier life.  thank God for orson!

 

 

grace and peace

  

 

 

the princess and the pea

a little more than three years ago when i moved back into this house after the flood i moved in a set of $25 mattresses that my mother bought at a yard sale.  i've slept on them nearly every night and EVERY night that i slept on them i was reminded that they weren't MINE.  they didn't feel like mine, they didn't sleep like mine, they weren't mine.

 

the first thing i wanted to do with a little money from my grandmother's estate was buy new mattresses.  i did.  my mother had to go shopping with me and daddy had to be here today as they were delivered but tonight i will sleep on MY OWN MATTRESSES!

 

nearly 3 1/2 years since the flood and things are still undone, in disrepair, unpainted, neglected and downright ignored but this one little thing is a BIG thing.  i spend so much time bemoaning the fact that everything i own is a replacement for something i lost and while that is true and disconcerting i hope i will not feel that way when i lie down tonight.  it's gonna get cold tonight and the dog and cats and i are gonna pile up in our new bed and start a new book. 

 

grace and peace

highs and lows

yesterday i had a horrible day.  i learned that a girl i went to school with committed suicide.  i didn't really know her but it's a blow.  it's desperately sad and inexplicable.  my best friend from elementary school killed herself more than a decade ago and it was/is still devastating.  the news from yesterday sent me into a deep dark sadness. 

 

with the sadness came intense anxiety.  i had one of those days (you women understand) where i was starving.  by about 5:00 i had had a bite or two of everything in the house and was left with the knowledge that i had to cook dinner if i were gonna eat.  i had no interest in such and wanted to order a pizza.

 

see, it's not that easy.  one of the fears i have is a knock at the door.  even leaving the door open so i can see the pizza delivery person through the storm door isn't possible because i'm anxious about strangers approaching the house.  no way i could order a pizza!  then i began to feel more anxious and desperately uneasy.  and hungry. 

 

will this ever change?  will i ever be back to who i was before?  can i accept this "new normal" that i'm supposed to be embracing?  will i ever be able to simply order a pizza?  i don't know.

 

then as the day finally wound down i was thrilled, relieved and so happy to look up and see the sweet little face of my kitty moxie at the french door.  she had been gone for more than 3 weeks and i was sure she was gone for good.  she's skinny and she has a limp.  she's eaten and eaten and eaten and slept.  she won't let me out of my sight.  i guess she's been locked in somewhere - an outbuilding probably.  bless her little heart.  i'm in for the day to love on and take care of her. 

 

she may have to go to the vet in the morning but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  she seems to be in no pain but i'm concerned about the limp.  i'm so glad she's home.  she redeemed my really hard sad day!

 

grace and peace

this is how it really happened

i’ve been asked by several people who read this blog to give an account of the day of the flood.  since today is the 3^rd anniversary i thought i’d try.

i’ll go back a day to saturday, may 1, 2010.  i had just been fired on friday for missing 4 days of work, with a doctor’s note, with bronchitis and pneumonia.  i spent the day on the couch angry and sick.  it rained all day.  HARD.  I-40 east was closed (one route to my aunt and uncles.)

i slept little the night of saturday-sunday.  it rained all night.

i got up before 6 a.m. on sunday morning and knew right away i wouldn’t try to get out for church.  still raining and i felt awful.  power was on and off all day.  i walked the dogs at about 9 a.m. for 10 minutes when the rain let up and talked to some neighbors.  i found that mcgavock was now closed.  there are 2 roads in and out of my neighborhood:  mcgavock and briley.  with mcgavock closed that eliminated my aunt and uncles house to the east and one of the routes south to daddy’s.

the rain continued, i struggled to breathe and thought about where to apply for a job.  outside my backyard fence there is a hill 10-12 feet down that leads to a common area about the size of a football field where our dogs can run without leashes.  in the center of this space there is a slight dip about a foot deep and 30 feet across.  by midday there was water in the hole.  every half hour i went out to look.  it never changed. 

3 p.m. i went out again to walk the dogs (my golden retriever and my pug.)  i learned then that briley parkway was closed, both north and south.  i was officially stuck.  no way out.  daddy lives south, mama west and my brother, north.  no matter – no way out.

no satellite, no power, no way out.

i was getting calls on my cell phone every hour by most family members telling me to leave.  leave?  how?

by 7 p.m. there was no change.  still raining, no power, roads closed, cell phone battery dying, frantic calls.  i, with pneumonia, laid on the couch for lack of anything to do, and slept for 45 minutes.  when i woke i went out back to check and there was water a foot from my fence.  i called my brother and told him i was leaving.  the only thing i could think to do was drive 2 miles to the end of the main road where there is a church on a hill.  almost 2 miles from the river.  oh, i live yards from the river.  the cumberland.  it is just behind the football-size common area behind the house. 

it’s about 8 p.m. now - i grabbed a bag, put in a pair of shorts, a t-shirt, my cell phone, 4 or 5 bibles, my purse and put those in small SUV, a kia sportage.  i got the 2 dog beds, the dog food, the cat food and loaded them, loaded the dogs, went back in one more time for the cat and the one bottle of unopened red wine.  i spoke to a few neighbors and asked where they were going.  everyone was headed to the church.  water was pouring into my street to my right (i’m the 3^rd house on the street.)  it was 2 houses away.  a man in a canoe with a bullhorn was telling us to evacuate:  “you MUST evacuate, it’s a matter of minutes, briley parkway north will be open by the time you get there! EVACUATE!”  water was 4 houses away to my left (now my only way out of the subdivision.  i started the car and drove into the water.  3/10 of a mile from home i turned right 4/10s of a mile from the main road.

50 feet after my turn, i was following a larger SUV, i felt my tires lift off the road and i floated.  and i thought, “this is it, we’re all 4 going to die…right now.”  there is a large pond to my right a good 12-15 below the road but water was well over the tires of the ford expedition in front of me.  i knew we would drown.  if the car in front of me were a sedan, or if i were in a sedan, i don’t think i would have made it.

when i finally got to the main road i felt the tires grip the wet road.  2 miles away i got to briley and headed north.  i was headed to the river.  a half mile from the briley exit my car died.  it was a manual 5-speed and i kept it going another ½ mile.  now my car is dead, my house is under water, i’m a mile from the rapidly rising river.  it’s still raining. 

i couldn’t get through to my brother but i finally got daddy.  he called my brother to pick me up.  he was the only one that lived north and could get to me.  he was 40 miles away.  i was ready to die.  i was afraid that i wouldn’t be able to get out of the car when he came to get me.  i was afraid that we would all be dead.  i though about letting the animals out so they could find higher ground but i couldn’t move.  i just set with my phone in my hand and told the dogs and cat that we would be okay – never believing it.

an hour later he got there and i managed to transfer my few possessions to his car and make it to his house.  when i got there i realized i had no litter box, no toothbrush, no underwear, no corkscrew.  somehow i had the presence of mind to drive to wal-mart a few minutes before midnight and buy a few things.  i didn’t sleep at all and the next morning i saw my house on the news as a man in a boat took home video.  only boats could get in because the river was 5 days away from cresting.

this is what may 2 means to me.

(the red point on the map is pretty close to where my house is.  it’s just a little closer to the river.  this is no way across the river but to drive the 2 miles south to the nearest entrance to briley almost between the country club and park.)

grace and peace and prayers for today

 

 

 

 

more of the same

dealing with serious anxiety the last few days.  about nothing in particular and everything in general. 

 

hoping for a relaxing trip to mississippi with daddy tomorrow to visit family.  i don't get to see my little brother and sister enough so i'm looking forward to it.  hoping that my anxiety will abate enough to let me enjoy the visit. 

 

this has been a week full of small, infuriating reminders of the flood:  letters from FEMA, phone calls from various flood-related organizations.  it's just never-ending.  i don't see how i will ever feel like the flood is over.  it continues to slap me in the face regularly.  i'm so tired!

 

off to bed with my book and, since it's raining, all 3 pets.  here's wishing for some sleep.

 

grace and peace

headache, day 3

yes, it is only 3:30.  yes, i've already eaten my late lunch/early dinner.  and yes, i may be headed to bed soon.  my headache is still here, my stomach is upset and i want this day to end. 

 

i had an anxious day yesterday in anticipation of today:  i had both my first DAR meeting this morning and a scripture reading (john 1:1-4:42) in front of my church congregation (also streaming live) at 1:00.  i made it through both of those without my anxiety bothering me but now i'm as exhausted as if i had chaired the meeting and written the scripture. 

 

it's so hard to do things that once would have been easy.  when they asked me to say a little bit about myself at the DAR meeting this morning i couldn't think of a thing to say.  i just feel as if i'm going through the motions of this life and that i have nothing left and that i am a shell of my former self.  i managed the requisite, "i was born in raised in nashville, my family has been in tennessee for at least 8 generations, i went to lipscomb, i work at rhino books" and then...nothing.  i don't feel like i have anything to say to "normal" (meaning non-flood victims) people anymore. 

 

i think maybe winston and i will pile up in bed and turn on a movie, it doesn't really matter what.  he's still feeling the aftereffects of his BATH yesterday--meaning he's as exhausted as i am.

 

grace and peace 

cornbread and cat toys

long day at work today.  didn't sit down all day!  it's still hard to get used to.  i'm so thankful for this job.  it's just perfect for me right now.  it's the only job i've ever had that didn't feel like a waste of a good day!  :)  if only the money allowed me to have some breathing room...

tonight i let my aunt feed me dinner (pinto beans and cornbread) and let my dad give me $20 gas money, a jar of peanut butter and a box of crackers to tide me over until payday on friday. 

i'm still struggling daily with my anxiety but it does seem to abate some while i'm at work because i'm busy all day.  today, though, i was worried about my pug because he ate a cat toy over the weekend and it was causing some problems.  i believe we're out of the woods on that score - he's back to himself tonight. 

i think i will turn off all the gadgets and take my book to bed.  i feel a little overwhelmed and exhausted and do not need to spend any time catching up on "news" like i do some nights about this time.  i'll just take the easy way out and watch "the daily show" in the morning.  

grace and peace 

  

2 days, 2 walks, 2 snakes

"if man could be crossed with a cat it would improve the man but it would deteriorate the cat."  mark twain

i've been missing my sweet maeve these last few days.  it's been in the 80s here in nashville and as a consequence winston, the overweight and under-motivated pug, has made it clear that he's not interested in long walks with me.  he wants many short walks--the kind that take us only one or two blocks from the house.  the kind that maeve used to take with us.  she walked with us rain or shine.  so many drivers, walkers, bike-riders would stop and ask about her, was she mine?, did she always walk with us?, did she think she was a dog?, did she think she was a person?  i miss her.

both yesterday and today i've seen snakes on my walks.  yesterday a 2-foot long, live one in the middle of the road when i had winston with me.  today a dead one 12-14 inches long on the side of the road (and i was nearly 2 miles from home--no quick getaway!)  yet another reason not to live near a river!

my anxiety has been okay today because i was outside in the sun almost all day.  it helps.  the only real panic was when i heard someone at the door.  i could tell that someone tried to turn the handle on the locked storm door.  i held my breath and felt the initial light-headedness and pounding heart that comes with a panic attack.  no knock!!  i kept myself in check but it was a good half an hour before i worked up the nerve to open the front door to find a flier from a local church stuck in the door.  really dodged a bullet there. 

think i'm going to finish the book i'm reading and head to bed early (hopefully thanks to the benadryl i need to control my sneezing fits).  i'm meeting my brother at early church service tomorrow and i usually mosey on into the late service so we'll see how i manage 9:00 a.m. 

grace and peace

the heart wants what the heart wants

no, i didn't NEED another cat but i think she needed me.  i love her.  my mother was in the market for a new cat and i went with her to the shelter knowing it was most likely a mistake in that i, indeed, went with the cat carrier in the car in order to transport a cat i kept telling myself that i WAS NOT going to get.  i fell in love right away.

i've tentatively named her moxie.  she is not lacking it and i love the name. 

winston doesn't care about her presence at all.  kentucky is NOT thrilled.  it always takes time to adjust but i'm hopeful that they will make friends and that they will be good company for each other.  i look forward to watching them play together.  it's been a long time since i've had two cats this young (both about a year old) at the same time.

grace and peace and cats

R.I.P. maeve

the first snowflakes of the season are falling and i am faced with accepting that my cat, maeve, is gone.  i told myself i would hold out hope until mid-january and it seems like the time has come to finally let her go.  i don't know what happened to her.  i just hope she wasn't in pain at the end.  i miss her.  she was such a sweet girl. 

it is so hard to lose a pet.  i live alone accept for them and they are my greatest loves.  by design i am as close to a hermit as can be and go days/weeks with only my pets for company.  i believe that to have pets is to spoil pets and mine rule this house.  this is the third pet lost in the last 2 years.  i lost an 18 year old cat , maggie, right before the flood then i lost a 17 year old dog, sage, last spring.  both were old and sick and i had to make the decision to have them put to sleep.  that is a hard choice but the right one when the time comes.  this is worse--she was only 7 and i don't know what happened to her.

i feel guilty for leaving her out that night and i feel guilty that my emotions are so stunted (because of the PTSD, the anxiety, the medication, whatever) that i am unable to be as sad as i feel i should be.  the numbness that i live with is a defense mechanism but it is also an albatross.  i am no longer the person i was and i am unable to feel like i used to.  i wonder if that will ever come back?   

i know if she had been able to she would have come home.  i hope that she's been dead this whole time and not hurt or suffering somewhere. 

grace and peace



another year over...

"time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."  woody allen

i have to admit that i no longer spend much time thinking about the passage of time, the meaning of life or the words of "auld lang syne."  time is different for me now.  just like all things are.  the last nearly 20 months (yes, i had to count on my fingers because i can no longer do simple math in my head) have passed almost without notice.  the time is lost.  though my pre-flood life seems much more distant than that. 

i skipped the last family function of the Christmas season today.  i feel like maybe i should have gone but i couldn't make myself.  i was so anxious.  i guess it's good that i decided not to go because i've spent the better part of today trying to gain access to my own car.  i went out this morning to get winston's milkbones from the trunk and couldn't open the car.  i tried several times then just gave up.  hours later, after walking winston, i tried again, same result, the key would not turn.  (i don't have power locks and the only way to unlock the car is with the actual key.)  on the third and final try i realized my mistake...i was using my house key instead of my car key.  now my house key is next to the car key (the big black key with "nissan" stamped right on there!) but i didn't notice.  okay, so now i'm in the car but have no memory of why i wanted in the car.  as of now, almost 4:00 p.m. i still don't have the milkbones i went to get this morning at 6:30.  our evening walk will be soon and i will try one last time.  he's not even supposed to have milkbones but they were a gift!!!!!!!!!

see how hard everything is?  no wonder i have no idea what day/month/year it is when i can't even open my car!  considering i haven't been anywhere today that car has consumed most of my day.  i did manage to write a little while listening to my radio station play the top 100 songs of 2011.  i only heard 35-1.  don't ask me what any of them were...

grace and peace and hope for the new year

how the grinch survived Christmas...

i wrote a little, read a little, watched all the frasier Christmas episodes that were available on netflix, watched die hard (yippie-ki-yay!), prayed the phone wouldn’t ring, took winston for a long walk since the weather was so nice (high 50s), played with kentucky, talked to no one (i did respond to a couple of texts), treated myself to a peppermint mocha from mcdonald’s, took a 45 minute nap (!), drank a little wine, ate a little brie, spoke to a father and his little girl on her new bike (complete with training wheels, streamers and a bell!) on my walk, missed my aunt jenny, skipped the family function (natch!) and watched winston devour a pigs' ear (a Christmas gift from my mom!) i don’t buy them, of course, since i’m a vegetarian! 

i ate too much even though i didn't go anywhere and i have been maudlin and anxious all day.  i'm glad it's over and all i have to do is go see my niece and nephew later this week and see what santa got them.  they are used to my anti-Christmas stance and no longer question it, they just lump it in with my vegetarianism and my bookishness and write it off...bless their hearts!

i wish i could have made it to church this morning but i settled for watching it on-line.  it was a beautiful service; i sang along, right out loud, just like i were there.  i hope to be able to get past my anxiety and make it there in person next week. 

grace and peace

i've got a headache THIS big...

day 3 of this headache and i'm useless.  i have done nothing at all for 72 hours.  can't read, can't watch tv.  i managed to load and run the dishwasher because it's quiet but i had to stop the washing machine mid-cycle because it's too loud.  i let the cycle finish when i went outside with winston.  the several times i've gone out to walk him (in my pajamas) constitutes the sum total of my time outside the house.  i won't go as far as to say it's a migraine because it's not that bad but it's bad enough.  hurts to turn my head at all and feels like my skull with implode at any given moment. 

when i'm alert enough to do anything i waste time on the computer and talk quietly to the pets (both in the dark.)  i continue to live on the post-flood diet of toast and coffee, bananas and peanut butter and veggies and hummus.  it's not fancy but it's enough.  it's amazing to me that i continue to gain weight like that.  i suppose it is the medicine!  just one more stressor!

i did get good news yesterday:  my little sister is pregnant with her 3rd child!  3rd!!!!  congrats to her, my brother-in-law and my 7 year old nephew and 4 year old niece. 

no sight of meave.  kentucky seems at home.  winston wishes it would stop raining.

grace and peace

saturday night's alright for fighting

2 days of family functions, errands, therapy and driving have left me exhausted and, you guessed it, anxious!  i made the rounds to both grandparents' homes this weekend so that i can justify not attending Christmas festivities.  i also got a haircut, got my oil changed and visited with friends today.

it is still utterly shocking to me that my anxiety affects every single thought and action in my life.  today i got to the gas station and stood in the cold for several minutes before i could make any sense whatsoever of the process for pumping gas.  it has been less than a week since i got gas and i literally had no idea what to do!!  perhaps the fear that i took tonight's medicine this morning instead of my morning meds was a factor. 

several months ago i had to buy an old person pill holder with sunday-saturday a.m./p.m. slots in order to keep up with my many medications but today i'm almost 100% sure that i took the wrong ones.  i drove the 50 miles to my hairdresser (my mother's best friend who had been cutting my hair since i was 10 years old or i would never make the trip!) with the overwhelming fear that the interstate lanes were narrowing and that the sky itself was closing in.  i also followed a car for 10-12 miles with expired tags and had to fight the strong compulsion to ram them--if not just to warn them to actually illicit police involvement...

i got through the day and started home when i remembered to stop for gas (it's 10 to 15 cents cheaper there than at home) so i pulled into the station on 2 wheels and promptly forgot how to buy gas.  it was awful.  being away from the house is always stressful and i've been out for nearly the last 48 hours.  tonight i will lie on the couch and watch a movie.

no sign of my cat, maeve.  i rescued a kitty from the shelter in hopkinsville.  i named her kentucky.  here's an older pic of her when she first got to the shelter.

i will add an updated picture soon.  she is a blue point siamese and she is totally adorable.  she's a year old and very playful and loving.  no trouble getting her acclimated.  winston seems to like her (he likes everyone just so long as he's not alone!)  we are all getting along swimmingly just hoping against hope that maeve returns!

grace and peace

  

sad and scared

because of my inability to feel and reason like "the old amy" i find myself in quite a bind tonight.  i have arranged a trip tomorrow to adopt a cat from an animal shelter in kentucky.  my maeve has been gone 2 weeks--the ONLY 2 weeks of my life that i haven't had at least one cat--and i'm lonesome and lost catless. 

i feel an extreme amount of guilt over getting a new cat so soon, as if i'm "replacing" maeve without honoring her with my lingering grief.  though if i'm honest, it's more than that, it's that:

1. i can't grieve in any "normal" way (at least what passed as pre-flood "normal");

2. even when and if meave comes home--2 cats are better than one;

3. winston continues to look for meave and it's breaking my heart;

4. there are so many cats out there who need homes;

5. this particular cat is at a kill shelter;

6. she's a year old which significantly reduces her chance of adoption;

7. the adoption fees are affordable; and 

8. i can't stop thinking about her.

(sorry, i'm a list-maker!)

though i have shed many a tear over maeve in the last 2 weeks, i am worried about my insistence on getting a new cat right away.  it feels impulsive and screams of avoidance and desperation.  i'm not sure the right thing to do but i see myself coming home with a new siamese cat tomorrow.  right or wrong, i will love, spoil and not regret her for a minute. 

obviously my anxiety is high today.  i had to go out to the doctor this morning (which i have all but blocked out.)  it was hard in spite of the fact that i was out of the house less than an hour and a half.  the rest of the day has been spent reading, walking winston and watching and listening for maeve to come home.  my life is devoid of routine, exertion and productivity and yet i am exhausted and anxious all the time.  i'm trying to figure out some way to motivate myself to start working out again but so far it is totally an intellectual exercise.  i know that i would feel better but i continue to avoid anything resembling physical fitness.   

grace and peace and cats