inertia

STUCK! 

 

that's how i feel today.  i feel it most days in some sense but today it's worse.  i can't seem to find the energy, the wherewithal, the motivation or the drive to do much of anything.  i don't want to clean, i don't want to cook, i don't want to read or write or practice my guitar.  i just want to sit and stare at the tv without being able to pay the least bit of attention to the football game i've been "watching" since 3 p.m.  it's now halftime and i can't recall having seen one actual play. 

 

i had big plans for the yesterday:  take car in for oil change, run by and see the changes to my grandparents place, visit with a friend, buy a baby gift, shop for some clothes, buy books for the store.  those things i managed with the help of my dear friend, kelly.

 

today the plans were:  church, shop for mattresses, buy my bike, ride my bike, do laundry, return a few things i bought at goodwill yesterday, cook, clean, etc.  okay, that's WAY to much for me to do in one weekend but today so far i've finished a very short book and made myself a smoothie.  that's it.  oh, i picked out 1 or 2 songs on the guitar...

 

inertia.  when days like this come i become overly anxious that my post-flood like will never be free of days when i just CAN'T. DO. ANYTHING!  granted, because i've always been an insomniac, i had days like this pre-flood BUT now they come filled with the memory of the exhaustion, the panic, the fear, the numbness and the pain of those post-flood "down days".  the ones where all i could do was sit and stare at the wall completely disconnected from the world and living in a constant state of post-trauma shock. 

 

those of us living with PTSD usually have a handful, or more, of triggers that set off panic attacks or heightened anxiety.  i have several and one of them is being overly tired.  that's where i am today and i'm wishing that i were off for columbus day tomorrow.

 

grace and peace