i cannot for the life of me understand this anxiety. i keep thinking that i will have an epiphany that will make it clearer or that it will melt away, seemingly as fast as it began, and leave me with the hazy feeling of worthwhile pain, much like childbirth (they tell me.) but here i sit in the middle of it with no memory of life before and no ability to see life after.
in much the same way i feel that deja vu should dissipate upon identifying it, though it always hangs around one or two seconds too long for my liking, i feel that this anxiety should have lessened its hold on me once i named it. it didn't. it hasn't. and today i fear that it never will.
i have felt its ugly presence in everything today: what to eat, when to eat, what sheets to put on the bed, what route to take while walking winston, what to read, what NOT to read, why this cold (or whatever) still hangs on, where to go to watch the baseball game tomorrow or should i just stay home?!?
days like this exhaust me and reduce me to raw nerves and frayed thoughts. though i am still sick i know that's not why i hurt all over, my very skin is tender to the touch. i'm crying tired (sans tears and sleep.) if i sleep at all these days it's a stolen hour or two in the middle of the day. nights are spent tossing and turning, listening to the dog and cat snore. little show-offs!
grace and peace (i guess)
always pick the yellow sheets, obviously. :)
ReplyDeletesounds like you're having a rougher week than normal (whatever normal is). i wish i could fix it! :( my mom and dad send their love, as always. and me too, of course.