anxiety: distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune.
what amazes me about my anxiety is that it attaches itself to things i have never thought about before. i knew that getting a job wouldn't make my anxiety dissipate because this is bigger than any one thing. yes, i am relieved to be employed but i am still bringing in less money than is going out. i really love the bookstore, i love the books and the customers and the feeling i get while there: that i am a part of something special, something fighting for it's very existence in a digital world but thriving in spite of it.
now i am obsessed and anxious about my safety, or lack thereof, while i'm in the car. in nashville the electronic highway signs have begun to broadcast a running total of road fatalities in tennessee. each day i see the number tick up and live in absolute fear that i will see the number change while i am driving and that my reaction will one of sheer terror which will cause me to be the next cold, hard number that will be displayed for all drivers to glance at, ignore or grieve for. it's horrifying to think that with each number increase there is a family, or many families, that mourn that death and have to attach that impersonal number to their loved one for all time.
i am not sure if such tactics make drivers behave differently or if it's a deterrent to any unsafe behavior but i know i have to wage an internal war with my anxiety to get me on the road some days because i don't want to see to what extent the number has increased. i am reminded daily that things are just not as easy as they used to be. everything is hard while battling PTSD and anxiety. i wonder sometimes why i am so exhausted and try to remember that i have fought so hard these last 2 years just to keep my head above water that i have a right to be tired.
i pray for the strength to carry on...
grace and peace
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