it goes on...

here i am again, anxious, sleepless, and sick.  one leads to the next and finally my body breaks.  friday brought with it a level of anxiety that i had not felt in a while.  yes, i am anxious all the time...but the terrifying, debilitating nervousness awoke with me that morning and since i have paced the floor, been wide awake virtually non-stop and have been hit with a sinus infection/cold or the like. 

the 3 day headache i suffered with last tuesday-thursday left me spent and weak.  the upcoming 2nd of may ever-nearing on the calendar and a complete lack of any resolution have sent me spinning.  my life continues to revolve around a long-ago day most people have long since forgotten and/or moved on from.  i'm not made that way.  my traumatic childhood and subsequent happenings have left me more prone to inertia and stress than to coping and moving on. 

as i walked winston today i heard the neighbors' fountain, installed post-flood, and i am reminded that not everyone who suffered as i did has remained stuck in the pain.  i'm afraid, literally afraid, of the sound of running water most days and i find it damn near impossible that a family who lost everything in a flood could rebuild and then go and put a fountain on the front porch!  they are the loveliest of people and have a young daughter, who is breathtakingly beautiful, who loves to come pet winston when i walk him...but i regularly think of how i could best bash that fountain to hell and remain on good terms with the family.

it's true that most of my neighbors are right where i am--nervous, angry, lost and with not a small feeling of helplessness but some people just experienced the flood and dealt with it and recovered.  i have no idea how to deal with it.  i continue my therapy, my medication, writing about it on this blog and in other forums, and yet i'm still here.

i am unable to write, to read, to watch movies or television.  i'm just not comfortable anywhere.  i mostly lie outside on my back and stare directly into the sun.  when i get cool or the bugs begin their feast of my flesh i move inside and lie on the couch staring out the skylight into the moonlight or the moonless dark. 

i pray for...

grace and peace