"a "should" is a "have to" with no teeth; it is dead energy." -ruth ross
my therapist says that i need to stop "shoulding" myself. i am overwhelmed with that thought tonight. i feel that there are a hundred "shoulds" and shouldn'ts" rolling around in my brain and i'm unable to decipher them.
should: buy cards for my little sister and her daughter who share a birthday next week, wash a load of clothes, make plans for tomorrow night to prove to myself and others that i can, write, get more exercise (starting tomorrow), walk winston one more time tonight, pay some bills, answer the phone when it rings, make a grocery list and stick to it, unload my car of all the booty from my mother's house, write, come to terms with the fact that i may have a job soon, call my little brother, read my lesson for church, drink less wine, lose weight (directly related to aforementioned wine consumption and minimal exercise), write and dare i say it, etc., etc....
shouldn't: drink so much coffee, spend so much time alone, buy any more books, be so self-involved, define myself as "crazy" because i have PTSD, avoid the remaining work to be done on the house, continue to rely on "i can't face it" as an excuse, drink wine at 11:00 pm while listening to willie nelson, etc., etc....
the truth of the matter is, though i feel all these things non-stop, i am doing all i can to merely survive. some of the above-mentioned things won't get done because i don't feel safe going to most places alone so i avoid stores, exercise and even leaving the house most days. some won't get done because i am tired of asking people to accompany me. that's on me and not them, i have plenty of willing people around but i'm too tired to coordinate it; it's easier to do without. i may have solved my wine conundrum because i opened my last bottle a couple of days ago and i'm not going out to buy any when it's gone...
though i've been smack-dab in the middle of this PTSD for almost a year it all feels fresh and new. the edges have yet to be dulled by time; they are as sharp as freshly broken glass. the pieces cut me even as i try to dispose of them shard by tiny shard.
the job interview went well today. i feel physically sick at the thought of having to hold down a job. my panic attacks are so debilitating that i'm afraid i won't be able to function. i'm nearly paralyzed with the fear that i will lose another job. as i believe i've mentioned, i live in fear of the one remaining thing that will break me...though i guess you wouldn't really call that "living" would you?
grace and peace
if the a job comes, you can totally handle it. you have proven over and over again that you can do so much more than you thought you could. if someone told you in april of 2009 that you would live through and accomplish all you've done since then, you'd have said they were crazy. or punched them in the face.
ReplyDeletei know you're worried about the proverbial "straw" to the camel's back ("is one of us supposed to be a DOG in this scenario?"), but i'm not worried for you. you've got this. and with a job comes some financial security, and with that come VACATIONS with your BEST FRIEND!
i love you!!
I'm a little concerned over drinking with Willie Nelson ;)
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