panic attacks are overwhelming me. they started getting really bad on thursday morning. one woke me before dawn and one finally knocked me out around 2 a.m. on friday. after a fitful night i started friday in much the same way, in deep dread of therapy and my dinner plans that night. for some reason i e-mailed my therapist to verify my appointment time (which i had never done before) only to find that she was in training. one event down, one to go. and i'm ashamed to say that i may have the power to make my friends sick with just my negative thoughts because my friend texted midday to let me know she wasn't feeling well and was going to reschedule. i didn't tell her that i had been hoping dinner would be canceled. i felt responsible for her illness yet relieved beyond measure.
in the meantime i got an invitation to dinner with my dad's side of the family and went only because i was afraid that if i said "no" someone would show up to make sure i was okay and, again, remember that i live in mortal fear of a knock on my door, so i couldn't chance that. i got no more than 1/2 a mile from the house when a panic attack hit me in the form of a squirrel running in front of the car. i don't think i was ever really in danger of hitting it; i didn't even have to downshift from 4th gear when i braked, but my heart flipped in my chest and i immediately went numb. i had to pull over. it dawned on me some minutes later that i was in the exact place i had been on the night of the flood when i felt the tires lift off the road and knew for the first time that i was in real danger of drowning along with the dogs and my cat. that night i floated behind the larger SUV in front of me and, in spite of the current, i managed to avoid leaving the road. experiencing the minimal fear of hitting that squirrel and feeling my heart pound brought it all back. i know that it's what i'm reading about in all my PTSD books--that i'm not "remembering" the event i'm "reliving" it. over and over. i finally made it to my dad's but was in a bad way.
i watched as my nephew played dominoes with my grandmother and as my niece drew maze after maze that daddy had to work his way through--all i felt was PANIC! i couldn't interact but i was afraid to drive home. i was in the only house i've ever felt safe in, in my life, and i felt...unsafe. finally i pulled out a map (one of the hundreds in the bradford collection) and knew that i would at least be able to hide my shaky hands and shakier disposition by studying a map like "normal."
i started to relax a little as my aunt, brother and i began the count of states (24) and countries (7) we've been to. we discussed where we'd go first if given an all-expenses paid trip both inside (maine) and outside (ireland) the united states. basically the same conversation we always have when we are together. we love maps like nothing else! (figures and places are mine.) when i felt up to it i reluctantly left the map and gratefully took my vegetarian leftovers and hit the road.
an update on the rest of the weekend will have to wait. there are things to tell...
grace and peace
maps and good company make everything better! i'm glad you went, even if you didn't feel like you were adding anything to the evening. i know your fam was glad you were there.
ReplyDeleteps - "things to tell"??? um...do tell, please.