i think i just swallowed a fucking bug. pardon my language but i'm sure that i just swallowed a fucking bug!!! after a miserable trip to lowe's where i suffered a debilitating panic attack in the parking lot (crying, hyperventilating, etc.) i poured myself a glass of wine to drink with my leftover pasta. there are these annoying little gnats or the like that swarm this house because when i'm here i leave the french doors open all day long for the animals to come and go as they please. these little bastards are attracted to something in wine and i am constantly battling them for sole possession of my wine goblet. tonight i picked up the glass and took a swallow without inspecting its contents and i'm sure that i got a bug for my trouble. that was just the last thing that i needed. i've been in a panic all day about the lowe's trip (which was planned in advance, and with reinforcements.) i did not need this added stress.
i made it through the second interview yesterday. i just remember that i sped to the house afterward and spent the rest of the day lying prone on the couch or sitting in the sun on the patio trying unsucessfully to remember anything that happened or what i may have said. i have another interview tomorrow with an friend of a friend who just started his own law firm. i washed a load of clothes today in preparation and that's all that i can manage. i will go and do my best but i can't promise to remember enough of it to fill you in.
i bought the last of the major purchases for the house today at lowe's: the closet doors. last fall i ran out of money, volunteers and energy at the same time, and other that just a few small cosmetic things, the closet doors (both bedrooms, linen closet and pantry) have remained the elusive last purchase. as of this afternoon they are bought and paid far, now i just have to find someone to go pick them up and bring them here. they would be more than welcome to hang them, too, if they would like.
now i have to find the energy and strength to take the remaining receipts to my local government in hopes of receiving reimbursements for some of these final things. it's amazing the way they split hairs; they will cover building materials inside the house but not outside, they will cover appliances but not furniture. as if a house can ever be a home with a stove but not a bed!!! as if it doesn't kill me every day to see my fence that is about to fall but know that since it is "not technically a part of the house" it's not "essential." that means that i am faced with the still visible water line across my back fence every time i step foot outside; reminding me how high the water was in my yard, my house, my life.
the lady who helped me at lowe's today (the store is 2-3 miles from my house-on the other side of the DAMN RIVER) said she still has customers in every day who are rebuilding from the flood. 16 months later and so many people act as if it's a part of the town's "history" but for those of us who are recovering, we live with it as our "present" day after day.
i wish i could think of one thing that would calm me down but i have yet to do so. i've paced a good deal and walked winston until he vehemently protested. i had to carry him the last block - all 26 pounds of him! poor, fat pug! maeve sensed my unease (worst than the unease of a "normal" day) today and has stayed close by. maybe i can persuade her up on the couch with the rest of the family this evening.
grace and peace
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